Yap... finally my short don done, thanks to my ogas: villageboi and sholay, I’m not much of a short film script guy cos I do not know the way to end a good story quick. I wrote this last month, revised it into being a second draft after reading villageboi (mothering heights) and sholay (Nigerian horror story, paranoia)’s scripts. Villageboi was kind to me here:

https://www.nairaland.com/1268222/tale-east-origin-arochukwu-kingdom

But honest (won’t used the word unkind) with me here:

https://www.nairaland.com/1331998/m.o.w-script

Whether honest, kind or unkind, I just want a positive comments cos there is always rooms for improvement, enjoy.

NOTE: just for formatting sake, I attached a well formatted DOC file for download.



BLACK SCREEN:

FEMALE (V.O)
Are you hearing me now?

MALE (V.O)
(funny accent)
Ya, but can’t still see you.

FEMALE (V.O)
Okay, let me check something...

We hear a tapping sound (typing on a laptop keyboard kind of sound).

CUT IN:

LAPTOP CAM VIEW – we are viewing through laptop’s inbuilt camera - the view is dim, we see a beautiful girl’s torso body, wearing a t-shirt sitting before the screen using an unseen laptop, her hands grab the side screen as she positions it to get her facial view, she’s wearing a smiley face, tanned complexion, a student - she is ALERO (20’s).

In the background: is a single room apartment, exit/entrance door, ceiling fan, wall hanger, bed, rubber rack, T.V, clock (says ten minutes after ten). Alero had been conversing with her WEB FRIEND who we can’t see, she then continues the conversation from where they stopped.

ALERO
Can you see me now?

WEB FRIEND (V.O)
Ya... but not bright, can you adjust the brightness?

ALERO
Okay.

Alero then focuses on the unseen keyboard as she taps (typing).

Screen becomes brighter and okay.

WEB FRIEND (V.O)
Good, it’s okay like this. You look more beautiful than that of your pics.
Alero focuses on the unseen keyboard as she types.

WEB FRIEND (V.O) (CONT’D)
You typed: thanks, when you can just say it.

ALERO
(beams)
Ohw, forgive me, I’ve totally forgotten that we are now communicating through audio, you know since I met you it has been I.M chatting.

WEB FRIEND (V.O)
Ya, you can still type your massages if you like?

ALERO
Let’s talk on, I like it like this.

WEB FRIEND (V.O)
Okay. There is this question you where about to ask me before we switched to audio.

ALERO
Okay, I want to...

Interrupts by a rapid knock on the door.

ALERO (CONT’D)
What a hell.

WEB FRIEND (V.O)
What is that?

ALERO
Just a knock on the door, let me check who the person is.

Alero stands up to her feet to answer the door. We now see that she is wearing a bum short as she steps close to the door flaunting an awesome physique as she marches.

WEB FRIEND (V.O)
(low tone)
Gorgeous you.

Alero then speaks to the person at the door...


ALERO
Who you be?

FEMALE (O.S)
Na wah you o. Na Ruth and I.B.

ALERO
You dey craze, I no go ask who una be before?

Alero unlocks the door as two girls step in, one is taller than the other, the taller one is dark in complexion, dressed in a nerdy way, holding a fast food take-away bag - she is RUTH (20’s), the other short girl, dark complexion, very exuberant - she is IBIWARI (20’s).

RUTH
(to alero)
You no sabi how we dey knock again?

ALERO
How una dey knock?

IBIWARI
Like say we be your room mates.

WEB FRIEND (V.O)
Hello.

The girls did not hear...

ALERO
You dey mad, una be my room mate? Instead I go get una two as room mates, I go find guy wey go be my room mate.

RUTH
(gloomy)
Na craze dey worry you o.

ALERO
(re: fast food bag)
Wetin you carry?

RUTH
That one na question or en elder brother?


ALERO
You carry something come my house and you wan chop am alone abi?

RUTH
Na me and you go suffer the consequences?

ALERO
Shoo?

IBIWARI
Bobo things.

WEB FRIEND (V.O)
Ladies?

The girls did not hear...

ALERO
(to Ruth)
You still dey do bobo things eh?

RUTH
Wetin that one come mean nah?

ALERO
Me, I don graduate for bobo things, they no dey pay, ehen! Talking of bobo... eh... make una come make I introduce una to my foreign bobo.

IBIWARI
Your mugu?

ALERO
Shush, en go hear you o.

IBIWARI
Ahhh, sorry o.

Alero, Ruth and Ibiwari step closer to the screen, as Alero sits on the only seat, Ruth drops the fast food bag by the screen, as she stands with Ibiwari at Alero's back. Ruth and Ibiwari then lean forward to catch the screen.

ALERO
(to web friend)
I’m sorry I kept you waiting.
WEB FRIEND (V.O)
Don’t worry I understand, who are your stubborn friends?

Ruth and Ibiwari giggle.

ALERO
(re: Ruth)
This is Ruth, my course mate and...
(re: Ibiwari)
Ibiwari my course mate also.

WEB FRIEND (V.O)
(to Ruth and Ibiwari)
How are you doing ladies?

RUTH & IBIWARI
Fine.

WEB FRIEND (V.O)
You all are beautiful.

RUTH
Thanks.

IBIWARI
Thank you.

RUTH
(to web friend)
You are not looking bad yourself.

WEB FRIEND (V.O)
Thank you.

ALERO
(to web friend)
Are you trying to say that they’re more beautiful than me?

WEB FRIEND (V.O)
Not at all, how can?

IBIWARI
Mmh, nah wah o.
(to web friend)
So what’s your name mister?
ALERO
His name is J.J.

RUTH
Jay jay can’t be his real name?
(to J.J)
What is your real name?

J.J (V.O)
Justine Jaz.

ALERO
(astound)
You never told me that?

J.J (V.O)
You never ask.

IBIWARI
(to J.J)
Which country are you from?

J.J (V.O)
Philipines.

ALERO
(bemuse)
I thought you said you are from Germany?

J.J (V.O)
No, I said I base in Germany.

RUTH
Funny.
(to Alero)
It’s like you don’t know your web friend too well?

ALERO
Pfft, you can say that again.

Knock on the door.

ALERO (CONT’D)
(to oneself, tiredly)
Who a hell?

RUTH
Maybe Nnenna.

ALERO
Nnenna don’t knock like that, I know how she knocks.
(to Ibiwari)
Get the door.

IBIWARI
What?! Can’t you see I’m trying to have a conversation here?

ALERO
In my own room?

J.J (V.O)
What is happening?

ALERO
Nothing J.J.

Knock on the door.

RUTH
I.B?

IBIWARI
Not even a “please”. Mtcheeeew!

ALERO
(re: hiss)
I heard you.

J.J (V.O)
What is going on?

ALERO
Nothing much.

Ibiwari steps close to the door angrily.

RUTH
(to J.J)
So jay jay...


ALERO
(interrupts)
I’ll be doing the talking now please.

RUTH
Do you know you’re a jealous girl?

In the BACKGROUND: Ibiwari unlocks the door as a gorgeous young man on cooperate steps in - he is FRANK (30).

ALERO
(to Ruth)
And so... what would you like to know about my web friend?

FRANK
(to Alero)
Alero!

Alero turns head to catch the view of Frank, as she sees him.

ALERO
(beams)
Frank?

Alero stands to her feet to meet Frank in the b.g. Ruth then sits on the only seat. Alero and Frank speak inaudibly, Ibiwari steps closer to screen as she joins Ruth.

J.J (V.O)
(re: frank)
Who is he?

RUTH
Her boy...

IBIWARI
(interrupts)
Brother.

J.J
What is he doing here?


IBIWARI
Ah ah, can’t a brother visit his sister again?

Alero steps closer to Ruth and Ibiwari leaving Frank in the b.g.

ALERO
(to Ruth & I.B)
Oya Ruth and I.B, it’s time.

IBIWARI
Time for what what?

ALERO
To leave.

RUTH
Ah ah, we just arrived.

ALERO
Yes I know, my...
(glance at screen)
My...

IBIWARI
Brother?

ALERO
Ya, my brother is here.

RUTH
Your brother?

ALERO
(gloomy)
Yes, my brother.

RUTH
Okay.

Ruth extends hand to grab her fast food bag by the screen.

ALERO
You wan carry am?

RUTH
No be waka we dey waka so?

ALERO
No nah, make una hang around, I go call una back after.
RUTH
(to J.J)
We’ll be back jay jay.

J.J (V.O)
Okay.

Alero and Ruth step out of the room.

ALERO
(to J.J)
I’ll be back.

J.J (V.O)
Okay.

Alero steps closer to Frank.

FRANK
Who were you talking to?

ALERO
Nobody.

J.J (V.O)
(low tone)
Nobody?

FRANK
You said ‘I’ll be back’ to nobody?

ALERO
Ah ah frank, I was busy with my computer, so I told “it” that I’ll be back ‘cause you’re here.

FRANK
Ohw.

Frank takes a quick peer at the computer/screen.

FRANK (CONT’D)
What is that video stuff I’m seeing, with a fair guy on it?
ALERO
(beat)
Na wah o, okay... he’s a white guy on cam whom I was chatting with before you arrive.
FRANK
He was the person...

ALERO
Ya, he is.

FRANK
Why did you lie then?

ALERO
Sorry.

FRANK
(scoffs)
Alero, Alero, when are you going to change. Em... I’m heading to that my friend’s wedding I told you about. And...

ALERO
And I told you I can’t come ‘cause I will be busy today.

FRANK
Busy chatting with your white friend?

ALERO
Don’t start.

FRANK
I should be going, don’t want to miss the church service.

ALERO
Okay.

Frank leans his head forward towards Alero and pout for Alero to leave a kiss on his lips. Alero cowers as she glances at the screen, pushing frank backward.

FRANK
(bemused)
What?!
J.J (V.O)
(low tone)
What.


ALERO
(whispering)
I’m not in the mood.

FRANK
You’re not in the mood to kiss your boy...

ALERO
Ahhhhhhhhhhhh!!!

FRANK
(astound)
What is wrong with you?!

ALERO
Nothing.

FRANK
I should be going.

Frank made a dart to the door, steps out as he slams the door. Alero takes a deep shy.

ALERO
(low tone)
Nah wa o.

A shirtless guy forcefully unlocks the door as he step in – he is angry, he locks the door from inside. Alero is terrified as she sees him.

ALERO (CONT’D)
Emeka?!

Emeka leaves a back hand slap on Alero’s face as she falls down Into the bed, lying continually with her hand on her cheek.

J.J (V.O)
What a hell.

EMEKA
What did I tell you about that your rich friend eh?! You no dey fear o, for the same lodge!

Emeka crouches before where Alero is lying.


ALERO
I am sorry Emeka, I won’t do it again.

J.J (V.O)
What is going on there?!

They didn’t hear.

EMEKA
That’s what you said the last time.

ALERO
I mean it this time, it’s over between me and him, he came here to beg me, ‘cause I dumped him.

J.J (V.O)
Alero!

They didn’t hear.

EMEKA
Ehhh, I’ll teach you a little lesson so that when you see him you will run.

ALERO
Abeg nah.

Emeka grabs Alero’s neck as he starts strangling her.

ALERO
(choking)
Help...

Alero struggles to breath as Emeka strangles her continually.

J.J (V.O)
Hey, stop!

EMEKA
Next time if you see a guy wey get car you go run.

Alero suffocates slowly as she chokes to death. Emeka is still grabbing her neck when he noticed that Alero has stopped struggling. Emeka let go of Alero’s neck as she lies lifelessly on the bed. Emeka stands to his feet terrified.

J.J (V.O)
What have you done!

EMEKA
What?

Emeka glances at the ceiling.

J.J (V.O)
What have you done to her?!

EMEKA
Who’s there? Are you inside my head?

Emeka glances about.

J.J (V.O)
In the computer fool.

Emeka peers at the screen as he steps closer to screen and sits. Emeka taps (types) on the computer.

EMEKA
(terrified)
So you saw everything?

Rapid knock on the door as Emeka flinches.

J.J (V.O)
Is she dead?

Emeka is speechless and terrified. The doorknob wriggled.

IBIWARI (O.S)
Alero, this one you lock door?

J.J (V.O)
Is she dead?

RUTH (O.S)
I think say en don waka? I wan collect my stuff o. As you no wan let us inside.

J.J (V.O)
Answer me fool!

Emeka stares at the screen in an estranged manner.
IBIWARI (O.S)
Alero!

RUTH (O.S)
Open door nah?

Emeka taps on the computer...

CUT TO BLACK:

THE END

?

Lemme download the .doc so I can read that one..
arbeback..

?

??

Hmmmmm.

Maybe if I hadn't seen 'Web Pulp fiction', I would have enjoyed the script a bit but I just found it to be a rip-off of the scene where Samuel Jackson and John Travolta went to meet some guys in their apartment and shot them at the end of the day.

The meatpie Doug and Frank ate in the script is equivalent to the burger Samuel L. Jackson munched in the aforementioned Tarantino movie ([s]no wonder you opened a thread on how you prefer Tarantino to Rodriguez [/s])
The 'what' palaver also ensued in this scene of the film but you dragged it for too long in your short script, mitigating the momentum of the story.
It's not a bad thing to get inspired by another person's work but let the rip-off be subtle and not too obvious. (I got the inspiration to write Paranoia from "Silver linings playbook" but you can rarely link the two. I got inspired for Nigerian Horror Story from "American Horror Story" but the similarity ended in the title.)

Now, lemme get back to the script.

1. Your struggle with tenses was too obvious and almost killed my interest in reading the script. Singular subject goes with 's' in its verb while plural doesn't. Eg: *"Villageboi GOES to a film school"
*"Villageboi and Prof GO to a film school"
*"They GO to a film school".
# Sholay GASPS.
# Sholay and Briareos GASP.

2. I still don't understand why you wrote some words in CAPITAL LETTER, even those that would make your mistakes with tenses obvious.

3. The characters that should have been interesting and provided tension were written "out of character". I am referring to Doug and Frank. There was a place Frank said: " the meatpie dey der" and then in a split of a sec...they were speaking like "americanas" again. You kinda confused the readers on the identity of these men. Are they Nigerian hitmen or they were "imported" from America? If dem wan speak pidgin, make dem yarn am from beginning to end of the script; if they speak fluent english, let it be consistent. If they mix the two, let it be realistic!

4. There were unnecessary things that dragged the story too long (though would have liked them in a feature). Like Doug telling a story of a neat man and bla bla... (the story was lame anyway because I can't remember how that is related to the issue on ground and it wasn't funny even though it was told as a joke). All the unnecessary definitions of words do not help in a short script. And Doug mentioning how Alero bangs Chief Ezeogwu but doesn't scream looks very unnecessary. What concerns him with what his Oga does in the bedroom? And asking Kehinde same question about Alero not moaning in bed sounds more annoying to me.

5. I didn't really feel the dialogue (some parts didn't flow) and the story started well but the ending was a let-down. The secret to making a short script worth it is a very good storyline, pacy and realistic dialogue (coupled with good writing of course). The storyline would help ppl develop connection with your characters since they can't be fully fleshed out in a short script but you wanted to flesh out Doug and Frank as badass niggas which almost made the script boring.

Nonetheless, your writing has greatly improved and I really like your description. ..kinda helped in easily imagining the scene.

Sorry for my epistle but [s]it was the "spirit of Villageboi" that descended on me[/s] . I had to point out things that I feel you should correct. All the best in your script writing endeavours.

^^^^^

+Octillion likes.

Briareos: ^^^^^

+Octillion likes.

Eeewoooo..!
What is 'Octillion' oooo...
Me ar nor hia inglishi ooo...

Briareos: ^^^^^
+Octillion likes.

A villagillion likes on top of your octillion likes.

Sholay said it all so well

Sholay, thanx for ur comments, FYI - i want ppl that has watched pulp-fiction to know it's a rip off from the film, that's why i gave it a resemblance title and also said that i'm not much of a 'short' guy, and also got inspired by your work and villageboi's. I just want ppl to comment on the concept + dialogue etc whc u just did. For the caps locks, that was me trying to indicate my shots, others were necessary, like the sounds. Pls try to indicate for me to see whr i used plural instead of singler. Let's not argue abt characters being out of characters, but how do u mean that the hitmen changed from naija to Americana b'cos one spoke pidgin in one line? I can remember vividly, one of ur scripts i read, a character spoke yoruba in his/her line, what makes u to think that the hitmen were speaking americana? I understand what u're trying to do and i appreciate, pls clear me on those points i indicated, maybe others can help me to understand you too.

tony ayo: Sholay, thanx for ur comments, FYI - i want ppl that has watched pulp-fiction to know it's a rip off from the film, that's why i gave it a resemblance title and also said that i'm not much of a 'short' guy, and also got inspired by your work and villageboi's. I just want ppl to comment on the concept + dialogue etc whc u just did. For the caps locks, that was me trying to indicate my shots, others were necessary, like the sounds. Pls try to indicate for me to see whr i used plural instead of singler. Let's not argue abt characters being out of characters, but how do u mean that the hitmen changed from naija to Americana b'cos one spoke pidgin in one line? I can remember vividly, one of ur scripts i read, a character spoke yoruba in his/her line, what makes u to think that the hitmen were speaking americana? I understand what u're trying to do and i appreciate, pls clear me on those points i indicated, maybe others can help me to understand you too.

Are you kidding me?! You want ppl to know you ripped off a whole scene from a movie without subtlety and dats why u gave it a similar title?! Accept that I caught you "red-handed" and didn't swallow your story as "original". Simple!

I should indicate where you misused verbs meant for plural nouns? Okay oh. Here are excerpts from your script:

*In the BACKGROUND, Ibiwari opens the door and two men ENTERS

*Alero and Ruth APPROACHES and STANDS before Doug, Frank and Ibiwari.

*Doug and Frank GIGGLES.
There are many of them in your script bro. Do you get what I'm saying?

Let me also indicate how your characters were out of character. Follow this dialogue with an open mind, an excerpt from your script:

DOUG
Mmh, this is good.
(To Frank)
Are you enjoying it man?
Note the way Doug spoke. Which Nigerian adds "man" at the end of his statement? Even if he is a posh naija assassin, this one too much.

FRANK
The meatpie dey there.
Bro, this is bad dialogue. How can my friend ask me a question in "correct" English and I would respond like this? Lemme assume Doug too be proper naija pesin and that "man" was just by the way. Check the following dialogue:

DOUG
I'm bleeping used to "what" Alero!
How can someone whose partner-in-crime speaks pidgin be saying "bleeping"? And the conversation continues like this:

ALERO
He-he's my uncle.

DOUG
Your uncle? I see, and you bleeps your uncle, mmh?
Which real naija assassin says "you bleeps"? Bro, it's not realistic! You've seen too much of Pulp fiction.

Bro, you're right that I used a Yoruba line in my script but it made it more realistic. That Yoruba line already portrayed the character as a Yoruba man...and since his English is okay...then he is an educated Yoruba man. But he doesn't go about saying "bleeping", "you bleeps", "gonna", "wanna" 'cos he isn't an American or a Nigerian in diaspora. Bro, if you are open-minded in taking my criticisms, you will get my points.

sholay2011:

Are you kidding me?! You want ppl to know you ripped off a whole scene from a movie without subtlety and dats why u gave it a similar title?! Accept that I caught you "red-handed" and didn't swallow your story as "original". Simple!

I should indicate where you misused verbs meant for plural nouns? Okay oh. Here are excerpts from your script:

*In the BACKGROUND, Ibiwari opens the door and two men ENTERS

*Alero and Ruth APPROACHES and STANDS before Doug, Frank and Ibiwari.

*Doug and Frank GIGGLES.
There are many of them in your script bro. Do you get what I'm saying?

Let me also indicate how your characters were out of character. Follow this dialogue with an open mind, an excerpt from your script:

DOUG
Mmh, this is good.
(To Frank)
Are you enjoying it man?
Note the way Doug spoke. Which Nigerian adds "man" at the end of his statement? Even if he is a posh naija assassin, this one too much.

FRANK
The meatpie dey there.
Bro, this is bad dialogue. How can my friend ask me a question in "correct" English and I would respond like this? Lemme assume Doug too be proper naija pesin and that "man" was just by the way. Check the following dialogue:

DOUG
I'm bleeping used to "what" Alero!
How can someone whose partner-in-crime speaks pidgin be saying "bleeping"? And the conversation continues like this:

ALERO
He-he's my uncle.

DOUG
Your uncle? I see, and you bleeps your uncle, mmh?
Which real naija assassin says "you bleeps"? Bro, it's not realistic! You've seen too much of Pulp fiction.

Bro, you're right that I used a Yoruba line in my script but it made it more realistic. That Yoruba line already portrayed the character as a Yoruba man...and since his English is okay...then he is an educated Yoruba man. But he doesn't go about saying "bleeping", "you bleeps", "gonna", "wanna" 'cos he isn't an American or a Nigerian in diaspora. Bro, if you are open-minded in taking my criticisms, you will get my points.

Noted.

@tony yayo...
This is your first short...so keep writing more shorts and you'll get better.
You'll see how it will improve your writing a great deal.
This one's 34 pages...although it has not reached the limit but it's long.
You can try to do lesser pages.
I admire your efforts.!

prof800: @tony yayo...
This is your first short...so keep writing more shorts and you'll get better.
You'll see how it will improve your writing a great deal.
This one's 34 pages...although it has not reached the limit but it's long.
You can try to do lesser pages.
I admire your efforts.!

thanx prof.

Dialogue messed it up but nice story.

Ignatio: Dialogue messed it up but nice story.

thanx ignatio