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Nairaland Forum / Entertainment / Literature / Poems For Review / This Love? (comments needed) (1207 Views)
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This Love? (comments needed) by syren: 5:38pm On Jul 07, 2008 |
[center]This Love[/center] [center]My smile, he calls it his only sunrise, Never will it set, in his eyes. My tears, diamonds, he could never prize, Where is this love? My lover's touch, he strokes to please, Evokes tremors like Autumns own warm breeze, While a sensual sigh, escapes my lips with ease, Where is this love? To heal fragmented memories, split, torn, Pierced by life's callous thorn. Bruised by flesh and with a spirit so worn, Where is this love? His words fabricate the blanket for my aching soul To rest, while our days turn old, He is the womb from a world so cold, Where is this love? If there be this love on earth, No journey could exceed it's worth To fill this void and replenish my dearth, Tell me, where is this love?[/center] (Constructive criticism would be great) |
Re: This Love? (comments needed) by Janji(m): 6:53pm On Jul 07, 2008 |
The first line was catchy, will he never see your smile which he calls the sunrise !!! i like this, this poem is curny its like eating dessert that i never want to end Short it is anyway !!! Teasing, Bravo Would you like to check mine and have a comment I wrote About a player or players Let me know what you think |
Re: This Love? (comments needed) by syren: 7:01pm On Jul 07, 2008 |
Thanks for your input, so you think it should be longer? I'll read yours 2 |
Re: This Love? (comments needed) by Janji(m): 7:13pm On Jul 07, 2008 |
well its cool to understand that the subject matter is about love the first atchy verse My smile, he calls it his only sunrise, Never will it set, in his eyes. says something like he would get the beautiful things that come with the love, like your smile At the same time you talk about what interests you like his touch, memories and words this is where the peom gets one thinking what is the end result - are you going to look for such love ? Curny i say, not easy to dissect but leaves one to ponder, yeah, id want it longer. maybe because i write lenghty limericks, peoms , |
Re: This Love? (comments needed) by rotimy(m): 8:07pm On Jul 07, 2008 |
The lines of the poem are very mature and pricks the heart. I love it. Keep it up |
Re: This Love? (comments needed) by nikekenny(m): 6:07pm On Jul 08, 2008 |
dont look any further the love is here |
Re: This Love? (comments needed) by Lovelace: 4:58pm On Jul 09, 2008 |
'This love', wrestles and weaves an emotional web,of the very thought of what love would do if present,and the after effect feelings of conflict, allegiance even. 'To heal fragmented memories' ,there's a famine of love that dwells in her, and the conflict arises because the sun that shines must set at one point,to rise again. So a rebirth occurs, the loved becomes beloved and seeks love. Where is love? I'd say it never left in the first place. Look within. |
Re: This Love? (comments needed) by gorociano: 11:10am On Jul 12, 2008 |
this poem is real tight, though i agree it can be a bit longer and really touch the various corner of your yearnings for the love which a trip to the moon on a molue is worth, something like Whose mere presence gives life essence Whose mere mention makes my problems tense But all in all its a good poem, Good one |
Re: This Love? (comments needed) by BiafranFirstSon(m): 1:44pm On Oct 07, 2011 |
I read some comments from fellow writers/poets or visitors and i started smile, they wanted the poem longer because they don't want it so end so quick, in the future u will win a ken saro wiwa price. I wish u the best! I will post some of my works for people to tell me what they feel, once again,you are great! |
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