Dont you get , its not about allowing what happened in the past.
Its about a re-order of ones psychological make up.

One said, the future is in the hands.
The hands of one torn inside, what future will that be.

Many people assume the positive, but is it enough for
ones future to turn out pleasantly.

Yes it does.

I just wrote off a suitor I was considering last month because we disagree on certain terms especially on family issues : - beliefs and values. He is from a broken home. His mum had just him and then came a divorce and the dad took a second wife. My folks don't know him yet but he is already broadcasting his intention to marry me.

He wants me to do certain things without my their knoweldge e.g

- He wanted me to come and visit him in his location

- When he visited, he would wanted me to follow him outside the town to visit a friend

- He doesn't like me being open to my family about my movements etc.

I keep telling him it is a family tradition that I must let one person know my whereabouts but it pisses him off. He insists I'm an adult and free to do as I please. That my family should be able to trust my jugdement by now nd stuff. Things got to a head one day after a heated arguement and I walked out.

He does not want to understand the importance of family ties, values, beliefs and tradition

He dosnt want to understand?
he definately has a problem, so why does he want to get married

well, its in two way
1. u will be scare to go into a relationship with the opposite sex which can delay early marriage
2. u would't want something like that to happen to your children so look before u leap. thats when some ladies/guys select before having a relationship with the opposite partner

obyann:

It all depends on how you want to live your life.
If you allow the mistake of your folks to affect you, one will live with the negative side of it.

@ topic
Well said, don't use the mistakes your parents made as an excuse to continue the vicious cycle. Make a conscious effort not to repeat them as youv'e already seen the outcome. Plus there are different levels to what a "broken home" can be, it can be a mild situation to an extreme case. As for romance and relationships it can affect how some people treat or view the opposite sex or even same sex, sometimes for the good and at times for the bad.

Different levels?

A Broken Home is a Broken Home

No matter how you see it.

People make this conscious effort
but it still dosnt seem to work.

i guess Rehab wont be a bad idea

dewaledeyi:

It is really important that I jopin this discussion because I am presently going through some "experience" at the moment.

Broken homes are bad especially for ladies and that means we guys have to shine our eyes very well.

I am about to break up a relationship of long years because she behaves combative which I see is a spillover from her broken home. Saying "sorry" is an issue, she has never consoled me actively on any issue, she flares up at me in public e.t.c

My heart is really broken because I wasnt seeing sb else but she displayed her attitude to my parents and they are not in support of us getting married.

I'm still in Love but my future matters,

I'm sorry your relationship didn't work out; hopefully you'll meet the right person soon.

I have one question, how do you know that those things you've listed. . . her being combative, not saying sorry, not being sympathetic, insulting you in public. . . are all spillover from her broken home? Could it be that she's combative because that's who she is? She's not apologetic because she thinks she's never wrong or prideful? She publicly insults you because she's a rude bitch? ^{Pardon my language}. There women who grew up in a loving two-parent home who are just as rude, unsympathetic and proud. So how do we explain that?

Therein lies the problem with the whole “I am the way I am because my past”. We live in a "not my fault" society, no one takes responsibility for their actions, instead eagerly thrust responsibility elsewhere and the sad part is we have the works of respected intellectuals like Sigmund our personality is developed by our childhood experiences Freud to back us up. We have Erickson with his list of things we have to successful go through from childhood to adulthood in order to become "well adjusted human beings". A teenager wakes up one morning and decides to gun his classmates down, we excuse it by saying “Oh he had an awful childhood” or he didn't succesfully complete the Trust vs. Mistrust stage . A woman is badly behaved, we say “oh her parents got divorced when she was just a wee little one” or "She's still in the Phallic stage of development. Give me a break! He killed because he wanted to; she is badly behaved because she just is. Simple.

I like Psychology & Psychiatry, I find both fields very interesting and do believe they are helpful when properly applied but in my opinion, it is an easy out clause, presented to us in a silver platter no less, There is a “Which came first? The chicken or the egg?” aura to the whole thing, if you ask me. I mean have you ever wondered if people feel what they are really feeling or what they are expected to feel?

@ Gamine

Personally, i feel some situations aren't as bad as others. If your parents are divorced and you have to visit one during the holidays or something it's different to someone who's grown up without one parent completly absent from their life and the other could be alcholic or a drug addict. The first person is more likely to come out better off with the emotional support from both parents. People have been able to overcome it, Barack Obama is a perfect example. Then there are bad examples like Oprah who refuses to marry. Can't say it's directly because of how she grew up, but there's a chance.

@Gamine,

From my experience, the worst kind of women are bred in a home where the mother is divorced, has only girls (or a single girl) and pours all her vernomous hatred for the ex-husband into the heart of the daughter - with such words as "all men are dogs", "your father was no good", "your father abused me", "your father cheated on me". No sane man should marry a girl from such a home.

Statistically, men remarry at a higher rate than women, after a divorce. Hence, much of the bitterness of the divorce remains with the woman. Some of these women become eternally bitter, and raise daughters that no man should ever consider marrying.

I hope your situation does not fall into this category.

Thankfully i dont have such a situation.

im just concerned about those who have.

RichyBlacK:

@Gamine,

From my experience, the worst kind of women are bred in a home where the mother is divorced, has only girls (or a single girl) and pours all her vernomous hatred for the ex-husband into the heart of the daughter - with such words as "all men are dogs", "your father was no good", "your father abused me", "your father cheated on me". No sane man should marry a girl from such a home.

Statistically, men remarry at a higher rate than women, after a divorce. Hence, much of the bitterness of the divorce remains with the woman. Some of these women become eternally bitter, and raise daughters that no man should ever consider marrying.

I hope your situation does not fall into this category.

Well if the woman grows up to be sound minded she'll know that not all men are the same. I grew up that way but don't hate all men, just more cautious of them 

Rather than a broken home, I'd say a broken heart!

Broken Homes lead to Broken Hearts?

is that what youre saying?

michelin89:

Rather than a broken home, I'd say a broken heart!

hahahahaha that's because you don't understand the question.

gamine my dear

RichyBlacK:

@Gamine,

From my experience, the worst kind of women are bred in a home where the mother is divorced, has only girls (or a single girl) and pours all her vernomous hatred for the ex-husband into the heart of the daughter - with such words as "all men are dogs", "your father was no good", "your father abused me", "your father cheated on me". No sane man should marry a girl from such a home.

Statistically, men remarry at a higher rate than women, after a divorce. Hence, much of the bitterness of the divorce remains with the woman. Some of these women become eternally bitter, and raise daughters that no man should ever consider marrying.

I hope your situation does not fall into this category.

Lawd-a-mercy!!!!

I'm too shocked to say anything!

Jeebus!

Gamine:

Broken Homes lead to Broken Hearts?

is that what youre saying?

No! Just a pun!

People are making a fuss about this broken home they sound so much like broken records. Since they have decided that they don't want to see any good in someone who had the misfortune of having divorced parents, why don't they keep their bitterness to theirselves? No one is forcing them to marry someone from a broken home and I don't understand why they'd attack these unfortunate people because of something they couldn't have avoided in any case.

The past doesn't necessarily define who we are. Personality matters. If you are weak, then broken home or not you'll sure have a tougher time in this world than someone who is strong.

CH3COO:

hahahahaha that's because you don't understand the question.

gamine my dear

Mr. Arrogant, Don't step on my toe tonight!

Sisikill:

Lawd-a-mercy!!!!

I'm too shocked to say anything!

Jeebus!

why now? Say something abeg.  And it's true that some people use this as an excuseo to carry on a pathetic way of living.  I was once around a girl who was so combative and destroyed by her broken home that anything I said to her was seen as an excuse to start a fight.

michelin89:

Mr. Arrogant, Don't step on my toe tonight!

too late. i alraedy did

CH3COO:

why now? Say something abeg. And it's true that some people use this as [b]an excuse[/b]o to carry on a pathetic way of living. I was once around a girl who was so combative and destroyed by her broken home that anything I said to her was seen as an excuse to start a fight.
too late. i alraedy did

As you said, it's an excuse and not a real factor!

michelin89:

As you said, it's an excuse and not a real factor!

Shut up. You're supposed to read a post in tota, not cut it in three and pick the one that fulfills your urge. I said some use it as an excuse. The psychological factors are there.

michelin89:

As you said, it's an excuse and not a real factor!

Took the words right outta my mouth ^(keyboard)

Excuses! Excuses!! Excuses!!!

I dont believe its just Excuses.

it could be but then again people have Real problems with this

Why are you people being so blind to the truths and facts?

Sisikill:

Took the words right out of my mouth ^(keyboard)

Excuses! Excuses!! Excuses!!!

CH3COO:

Shut up. You're supposed to read a post in tota, not cut it in three and pick the one that fulfills your urge. I said some use it as an excuse. The psychological factors are there.

Chill dear. All na excuse. Which kind psychological factors?? Weren't these kids going to turn out worse if the parents hadn't divorced? Damn!

michelin89:

Chill dear. All na excuse. Which kind psychological factors?? Weren't these kids going to turn out worse if the parents hadn't divorced? Damn!

A broken home doesn't necessitate divorce. You can be a victim of a broken home even as your parents choose to stay together for oblivious reasons.

syren:

@ topic
Well said, don't use the mistakes your parents made as an excuse to continue the vicious cycle. Make a conscious effort not to repeat them as youv'e already seen the outcome. Plus there are different levels to what a "broken home" can be, it can be a mild situation to an extreme case. As for romance and relationships it can affect how some people treat or view the opposite sex or even same sex, sometimes for the good and at times for the bad.

Gamine:

Different levels?

A Broken Home is a Broken Home

No matter how you see it.

People make this conscious effort
but it still dosnt seem to work.
i guess Rehab wont be a bad idea

PiMp_jUiCe:

it sure can. its not enough to not want to repeat same trend. Question is what steps have u taken to make sure u don't fall into the same pattern. believe me, you don't wish away scars, u treat them and hope and pray they go away. Encouraging thing is, they do go away most tyms. u could be a product of a broken home and not have many issues to deal with if your parents did well to shield u from all the wahala and der own troubles.  but when u grow up in a civil war situation, there must be scars and it takes conscise and concerted efforts to heal d wound.

i am a product of a civil war of a home. even though i have good knowledge of what i want and want not, there are tyms i see familiar(scary) patterns. am still working on me. But its a good thing because av come to realise that most great men are products of adversity. It started from bible tyms. so am proud of where am coming from.

Gamine:

Dont you get , its not about allowing what happened in the past.
Its about a re-order of ones psychological make up.

We all have all sorts of negative imprints embedded into our psychological subconcious at a time when we were least unaware of the effects of such influnces as growing kids in such negative enviroments like a broken home. So as adults we WILL make many decisions based on these faulty precepts for which e get unplesant results.

It now behoves such person to will, to decide and continously put in consious effort to "re-order" that psychological DNA embedded deep in the subconcious effecting such behavioral responses. This is no mean feat and there are times when you will seem to be backslidding but one just has to keep at it, not giving up, until the ghosts of the past have been completely exorcised.

To be or not to be, at the end of the day the choice is yours!

CH3COO:

A broken home doesn't necessitate divorce. You can be a victim of a broken home even as your parents choose to stay together for oblivious reasons.

What a waste of time. They stay together for the kids and yet they turn out to make their past a bunch of sick excuses. Whatever! As I have said, personality matters. If you have got what it takes to make it, your parents' failure won't determine yours!

michelin89:

What a waste of time. They stay together for the kids and yet they turn out to make their past a bunch of sick excuses. Whatever! As I have said, personality matters. If you have got what it takes to make it, your parents' failure won't determine yours!

Waste of time to you but maybe smart decision on their part.  If ever in doubt of the impact it does have on them, it could do you some good to ask someone from such family.
No one is in denial about this.  A strong-willed person always give himself a conceivable chance at survival.
The question asks if it has an effect and the answer is surely yes.

CH3COO:

Waste of time to you but maybe smart decision on their part. If ever in doubt of the impact it does have on them, it could do you some good to ask someone from such family.
No one is in denial about this. A strong-willed person always give himself a conceivable chance at survival.
The question asks if it has an effect and the answer is surely yes.

Darling I know what I am talking about so spare me your lectures ok? You won't see me going around crying or breaking my soul just because mum and dad have decided they nor longer belong. It's life, it's theirs.

CH3COO:

The psychological factors are there.

You said anything you say to her was seen as an excuse to fight. If you don't mind my asking, what kinda things do you say to her that makes her flare up? The reason I ask is to make sure we're not labeling "normal female mood swings" as psychological issues brought on by her parents divorce.

And yeah. . . I just admited we do have mood swings. I suspect The Association of Women Everywhere will be presenting me with a horse head pillow tonight or worse by dawn tomorrow I will be sleeping with the fishes for revelaing that little detail.

*Sigh*

michelin89:

Darling I know what I am talking about so spare me your lectures ok? You won't see me going around crying or breaking my soul just because mum and dad have decided they nor longer belong. It's life, it's theirs.

How can I spare you the lectures when you seem ignorant to the evidence.  It's never happened to you, so talk is cheap.  Outside observers can run their mouths at anything.  A true test of its effects on you won't be seen until you're put to the test; don't improperly dismiss the scar it causes.

CH3COO:

How can I spare you the lectures when you seem ignorant to the evidence. It's never happened to you, so talk is cheap. Outside observers can run their mouths at anything. A true test of its effects on you won't be seen until you're put to the test; don't improperly dismiss the scar it causes.

I said I know what I am talking about. Do I have to cry to show I am from a broken home? Damn! You are the ignorant who have stereotyped us. Sorry dude, but we don't go around killing, insulting or comitting any sort of atrocity against the male sex unlike you think. We can still live like cheerful people who want to be happy. We've got dreams and definitely do not nuture bitterness against men!