I went for a very long walk this afternoon, and came up with this. It is satire. And totally fictitious.
Names and characters have not been changed, in order that mocking can commence in abundance.


It Takes A Political Village


ACT I (Happy Birthday, Odumchi . . . Love, Nairaland)
Scene i

www.nairaland.com/attachments/680847_odumchi_JPG80c92110a516ec8bf1cf27058646b710
Portrait, Courtesy of
https://www.nairaland.com/913382/friendly-caricatures-nairalanders/5#10593025


Odumchi is a happy boy. His mummy loves him. His daddy works hard for the family.

He is sheltered and well-cared for. He is surrounded by happy and friendly people.

All the neighbours know and love him.

Odumchi is an only child, but not a lonely child.

His best friend Maryam lives next door. His other best friend, Idowu, lives across the street. They go to the same school. Idowu’s mother is his schoolteacher, Mrs. Taiwo.

Life is good in Odumchiland. There are friendly dogs, pretty flowers, and big trees that cover you from the sun. A nice breeze blows in at night from the lake nearby.

What a wonderful life!

Mummy: Odumchi! Chichi! Good morning. Happy birthday, darling! Your uncle in New York is calling to wish you Happy Birthday! Here’s the phone.

Odumchi: Uncle! Is it cold there in New York? I missed the snow last year.

Uncle: It’s chilly at the moment, but no snow yet. Well, you missed the snow because you came for summer. Maybe when I come down for Christmas, you can come back with me and spend New Year here. You can see snow. Would you like that?

Odumchi: Yes, I would like it! It’s my birthday today. What did you send me?

Uncle: Ah! I got you something even better than a gift. I think you will like it.

Odumchi: What? An I-Phone? I-Pad? Wii game? I want all three.

Uncle: hahaha. Even I don’t have an I-Phone. It’s $500, Odumchi!

Odumchi: So? You live in America and drive a big car! And live all by yourself in a 4-bedroom house with 5 bathrooms!

Uncle: Ah! Odumchi. That car was bought on credit. It will take me 5 years to pay it off. And the house loan is underwater. The economy is not so good here. It’s because of that half-breed bastard, Obama. We are trying not to get foreclosed on. You know what foreclosure is, nephew?

Odumchi: What did you get me? It’s my birthday!

Uncle: hahaha. Okay, kiddo. I sent you some money through your mummy. Since it’s your 8th birthday, I sent you $80 dollars – Ten dollars for each year! You can use it to buy whatever you like.

Odumchi: Okay, I will get I-Pad, I-Phone, Wii game, and buy my friend Maryam a nice dress and hijab for the Eid celebration. She’s Muslim, but God loves everyone.

Uncle: Yes, Odumchi. Good boy!

Odumchi: Here’s mummy again. Bye-bye. Thank you for the money. You’re my favourite uncle!

Mummy: Hi again. Yes, he’s happy. Hahaha. You told him how much? You were supposed to tell him $40! So, what about me that has to walk to Western Union to collect it? Okay, never mind. Send my own next month. Make sure it’s $450. Since I’ll be turning 45.

Uncle: You’ll be 35. I’m older than you! You trying to con me, sis?

Mummy: hahaha. Kidding. Catch you later (cough Cheapskate cough). I have to make lunch for him to take to school now. Bye.

Odumchi: Mummy, how much does $80 mean in naira? I want to buy lots of things.

Mummy: I don’t know the exchange rate right now, but you can go on the computer to see. You know how to use the computer now since you started learning in school. Just make sure you type in N-A-I-R-A and dollar exchange rate. If any bad picture comes up, you tell me right away. I’ll be in the kitchen making your sandwich for school.

Odumchi: All right, Mumsy. Okay, here is a website called Nairaland. That must be where they tell you how much $80 is.


ACT I (Happy Birthday, Odumchi . . . Love, Nairaland)
Scene ii

It’s a typical day in Nairaland. In the Politics section there are many topics discussing the affairs of the day. Nothing out of the ordinary. The tribes are getting restless. For some, boredom sets in. One by one, the warriors are logging off and turning their eyes to different activities.

Lo and behold a new post appears. What name is this? Probably a disgraced veteran has decided to get a new moniker. Well, we’ll see about that!

PLEASE HOW MUCH IS DOLLAR TO NAIRA TODAY? By Odumchi. Location: JOYLAND. Signature: SMILE AND THE WHOLE WORLD SMILES WITH YOU.

Berem: What? Are you a scammer?

Odumchi: No, I just want to buy nice things with $80.

Rhino3dm: What kind of name is that? Are you a 419 kidnapper from the East?

Odumchi: No, I’m not a kidnapper. I’m a kid.

Garri the 1st: So what does that have to do with the price of garri?

Odumchi: Please, where can I buy naira?

Eggheaders: Hey, what’s your problem? Are you in Lagos? Go back to your village. No one sells naira here.

Odumchi: Okay, thank you sir.

Rhino4dm: Asswipe! You didn’t call me “sir.”

Odumchi: I’m sorry, sir.

Berem: Boy, how old are you?

Odumchi: I’m Eight. . .teen! 18.

Rhino5dm: Get outta here until you’re grown. I don’t have your time. Go study your books and think about what you gonna be when you grow up. Maybe you become a big and very very rich man like me.

Odumchi: Thank you, sir. I already know what I want to be when I grow up. I want to be president.

Ileke-Idi: GTFO!

Dayokanu: President of where?

Bluetooth: Maybe in Bia-fa-ra.

Sefago: Drop the pipe!

Fstranger: I will kill any Igbo that becomes president!

Desola: Nibo? Omo-ajokutamamomi yi o gbadun rara.

Afam4Eva: You first have to be Vice-President.

Ndu_Chucks: Your Yoruba brothers will not let it happen.

Negro_Ntns: Just stay out of Lagos!

Nagoma: Yanminri, you dey craze!

Berem: Join APC! PDP are molesters!

Shymexx: This country needs to break up.

Dede1: This cesspit of a country needs to break up.

PointB: Bros, call me. I’ll be your campaign manager. Igbo Kwenu. Impossible is nothing.

Ezeuche: I am the first son of Arochukwu. I shall be president before you.

Nri-Priest: No disgraced Aro slave-trader descendant will ever rule over Igbos, says I, the proud son of the great Nri people, the leader of the Igbo race, and the best people to ever walk the earth.

Okija-Juju: Just bring me kolanuts and free bicycle for my okada business; you’ll be blessed.

Onlytruth: I am onlytruth, the 1st, 3rd, 4th, 5th Eze Ndigbo, Nairaland Chapter. Here I stand!

Katsumoto: These chaps don’t understand the rule of debate. SMH.

Ikeyman00/Ak47Mann: @@@

Andre-Uweh: Boy, do you speak and write Igbo language?

Alj-Harem: Odumchi, I am Igbo-Kanuri-Awori myself. Trust me, we Igbos can never be president. Become a spare parts dealer instead.

Naptu2: You lads want another war to start right here on Nairaland.

Seun: Please don’t wake me from my beauty sleep; Call Mukina!

SexKillz: Jeez! I hate politics and I hate all these talkative people.

Ogugua88: I will vote Sexkillz for president!

Chino: Anambra are the best; Enugu Igbos not good.

Williy-Willy: Ofe.ma.nu people will feed you poisoned amala. Say no to Igbo presidency!

Abagworo: Igbo people are not ready for this, my brothers.

ChinenyeN: I’m not Igbo.

Musiwa: I am Igbo. Ask Aguiyi-Ironsi; we went to school together.

Beaf: Ironsi is from Sierra-Leone, you fricking illiterate.

OAM4J: All your posts have been deleted. This thread is locked.

Stale!! Who told you Odumchi is a kid?

That man is old enough to be your dad.


Btw, why didn't you put your handle up there since you're the biggest snake on the forum?

I went for a very long walk this afternoon, and came up with this. It is satire. And totally fictitious.
Names and characters have not been changed, in order that mocking can commence in abundance

It Takes A Political Village

www.nairaland.com/attachments/680847_odumchi_JPG80c92110a516ec8bf1cf27058646b710

Odumchi: Thank you, sir. I already know
what I want to be when I grow up. I want to
be president.

isale_gan2: Approved but son 'first of all' 'do the needful'

Jbluv55:

Okay o. I think you're the uncle. I might do the needful and modify - Uncle Jbluv55 in NYC.

funny as hell. Hope it makes FP!

This joke is too bad to be true.
what is this thing?


I love it.

LOL.
Funny. You really got Nri,Chief Negro,Dede,Berem and Ikeyman,down to the t.


No Musiwa?

Afam4Eva: You first have to be Vice-President.

Whaazaaaa lol

you got NL pros spot on!

Isale, you seriously need need help

PAGAN 9JA:
funny as hell. Hope it makes FP!

Thanks. But no front page, please. I beg you with the gods.

Olugbenger: This joke is too bad to be true.
what is this thing?


I love it.

ifyalways: LOL.
Funny. You really got Nri,Chief Negro,Dede,Berem and Ikeyman,down to the t.


No Musiwa?

You really think I could forget Aare Musiwa? He's there above Beaf who is before the dreaded killjoy OAM4J.

BTW, Ify, you would have been perfect as Mummy. Though you're not that old.

Dis Guy:

Whaazaaaa lol

you got NL pros spot on!

I love Afam. It's all love love love.

naijababe: Isale, you seriously need need help

I love you too, babe. Yes, I seriously need a double dose of help.


Remember to click the "Like" button. Only if you actually like like it, of course.

isale_gan2:

Thanks. But no front page, please. I beg you with the gods.







You really think I could forget Aare Musiwa? He's there above Beaf who is before the dreaded killjoy OAM4J.

BTW, Ify, you would have been perfect as Mummy. Though you're not that old.



I love Afam. It's all love love love.



I love you too, babe. Yes, I seriously need a double dose of help.


Remember to click the "Like" button. Only if you actually like like it, of course.

I guarantee you it will be on FP by the am. U don enter one chance

shymexx: Stale!! Who told you Odumchi is a kid?

That man is old enough to be your dad.


Btw, why didn't you put your handle up there since you're the biggest snake on the forum?

Olodo.

Who said this?

“Persons attempting to find a motive in this narrative will be prosecuted; persons attempting to find a moral in it will be banished; persons attempting to find a plot in it will be shot."

isale_gan2:

Olodo.

Who said this?

“Persons attempting to find a motive in this narrative will be prosecuted; persons attempting to find a moral in it will be banished; persons attempting to find a plot in it will be shot."

So who's getting the first bullet?! Fstranger?

isale_gan2:

Olodo.

Who said this?

“Persons attempting to find a motive in this narrative will be prosecuted; persons attempting to find a moral in it will be banished; persons attempting to find a plot in it will be shot."

Mark Twain. But I'm Hannibal cos I raised him.

Getting brolic with Hannibal would only get him her thrown in the Mississippi River.

I almost choked with laughter.

Poor odumchi - he will never be the same again

naijababe:
I guarantee you it will be on FP by the am. U don enter one chance

naijababe:
So who's getting the first bullet?! Fstranger?

The first bullet, sword, and koboko will be tested on whoever places on FP.

shymexx:
Mark Twain. But I'm Hannibal cos I raised him.

Getting brolic with Hannibal would only get him her thrown in the Mississippi River.

Dude, I had to googol that.

oyb: I almost choked with laughter.

Poor odumchi - he will never be the same again

I totally missed too many awesome NLers. I will do sequel(s).

But I will wait for inspiration.
Which is why I need this thread to stay hidden.
As it slowly builds momentum.

isale_gan2:

Thanks. But no front page, please. I beg you with the gods.

NO FP?!

your the first person to say that!

PAGAN 9JA:


NO FP?!

your the first person to say that!

true!

I was expecting Pagan to feature with the gods perhaps the next series

Except for the casting of Odumchi in bad light , the characters are more or less fairly depicted. Nice try, Isale_gan.

Dis Guy:

true!

I was expecting Pagan to feature with the gods perhaps the next series

hahahaha.

Maybe he can appear in his own special play. The 12 Angry Men of Nairaland, starring Rossike, Pagan9Ga, Shymexx, Coogar, Nitlad, Cap28, and 6 other award-winning characters! They're passionate, bellicose, acid-tongued and incorrigible! Rated Naija-17 for language and venom. Absolutely no children or females, except tomboys, allowed (in the theatre).

PointB: Except for the casting of Odumchi in bad light , the characters are more or less fairly depicted. Nice try, Isale_gan.

P.S. Nominate the other 6 angry men.

PPS: Let's forget the suggestions. I work alone.

How come I am missing from the list?

. . . thank God sha,

vedaxcool: How come I am missing from the list?

. . . thank God sha,

Bros,

I thought of you after posting the 6 (angry men) names, but I didn't want to edit and remove Shymexx anyone. So I went back and asked people to nominate their choice. Do you see I modified my post?

isale_gan2:



Bros,

I thought of you after posting the 6 (angry men) names, but I didn't want to edit and remove Shymexx anyone. So I went back and asked people to nominate their choice. Do you see I modified my post?

Wait, are u implying I am an angry man? I am deeply disappointed. Now I have to unlike the op!

Okay, Vedaxcool. Salaam!

Very nice.

isale_gan2: Okay, Vedaxcool. Salaam!

salam!

isale_gan2:

P.S. Nominate the other 6 angry men.

Well, I am yet to see any Nairalander half as angry as Gbawe. If you want an angry woman, you should consider throwing Desola in the midst. Those two will make a nice couple any day, provided they don't talk themselves into a Musiwalic state.

LMAO. . .

Isale_Adogan has officially gone bonkers!

Olugbenger: Too bad

Nitlad, I will get you. I know where.

isale_gan2:



Nitlad, I will get you. I know where.

No, you won't. I am eternally elusive.