I grew up in a household where my parents would physically and verbally abuse each other. on the outside we were a well mannered, church going, decent Nigerian family that was career and education driven. But behind the scenes it was non-stop fights plaguing us.
This went on for many years until a big incident that lead to my parents' separation. Living apart, my dad visits and they are civil (incredulous that this can be after all the BS that went on before). Though they still maintain the other is solely to blame. As kids, my older sister was particularly effected and she had an eating disorder and a few suicide attempts. I'm not saying it was all my parents' fault but the fighting didn't help. As a result, my parents would try to exempt her from the fights. They also refrained from fighting in front of company. Yet somehow my sister and I were capable of being the main witnesses of all their trouble; they couldn't stop for our sakes.

The worst thing is that my dad has always made us feel guilty and responsible for everything. He could hit my mum but could never try and talk with her. He would instead go around to people painting himself as a sole victim and saying that us children did little to resolve the situation. We tried our best to stop them but they would always go back to square one and ignore/resist our efforts. We cried, told them off, tried to reason with them to no avail. My dad never acknowledged any of these efforts and would get relatives to come around and tell us all, including my mother, off. One incident lead to my dad being badly injured and needing surgery. This confirmed to everybody that he was a battered husband when the reality was that it was both of them causing trouble for each other. My mother didn't have the adult network my dad did (he had lived in the UK for years before bringing her over for marriage and he's a good 30 years older than her) and suffered from extreme paranoia to the extent that she thought everyone had tried to kill her (she accused me at one point and sent me to be exorcised in the middle of first year exams at uni) so she would rely on us even when we were small kids as her confidants.

There is too much to this story to write but basically I feel so guilty about what happened. On the one hand I feel it is unfair that I should be blamed for their troubles but on the other I wonder if it is really my fault. My mum, despite her faults, has always shown us that we were her priority and that she really loves us. In fact she would get angry that we couldn't see that all the pain and suffering she went through with my dad was for us because she would tell us that he never cared and said that we were social services' responsibility. Though my dad didn't bother to speak to us much and instead expected us to just know that we should act in his favour, he was a smart man that helped with our education and also to challenge the world around us (oh the irony). I currently speak with my parents, live with my mum and carry on as normal. But there are always occasions where the issue of guilt creeps up again. I love my dad but I also think he is selfish for putting such a burden on us.

Is there anyone out there that can relate?

Me! I csn relate. Dont know which is worse? Urs or mine but my story is different, I wont n dont want to share but all I have to tell u is despite what has happened try n be the best that u can Be .Ur destiny is different. Don't think because it happened to ur parents same would happen to u. Choose ur path and be the best. Ppl r going through worse u cant even imagine but thats life for you.focus on being a better person.

Both your parents have issues and are throwing blame around. They know you all saw them at their most stu*pid, and are blaming each other and even you for their problems before you hold them responsible. How old are you? It is time to stand up for yourselves. Tell them it is enough. They both are to blame for their woes and they should leave you both out of it. Damn it all and let them know that growing up, they were not role models at all. And you pray to God that you will not turn out to be what they are. Let them know the damage they have done to you and your sister by their actions. Tell them to their face, that they are the cause of their own problems, and it will be great if for once, they can leave their kids out. They have always been the adults here and are solely responsible for their actions. As the child, it is not your place to take sides, settle fights or take responsibility for adults actions. It is not also your place or concern to listen to negative talk about each of your parents. If they have anything to say about each other, they should face themselves. I think you need to get your independence and leave such a negative environment. But remind both of them, that what ever their regrets, they have themselves to blame. You are not at fault. You didnt ask to be born into this or endure two adults that act like kids.

Touching story. But I just want to clarify. Did you say your dad is 30 years older than your mum or is that a typo?

PUssinally
PUssina-PUssinally. . . .


Dear OP. . . You had a very normal childhood BY NIGERIAN STANDARDS.
Please, kneel down every day and NIGHT and thank your GODS!
No matter how dysfunctional. . . I can see some good sides to both parents. . .THEY DID NOT ABANDON YOU! YOU WERE NOT ABORTED!
You are now an adult. . . YOU MUST PAVE YOU OWN WAY. . . FIND YOUR OWN PATH. . . AND LOVE THIS ONE FAMILY YOU WILL EVER HAVE. . .
Your sister has a choice too. . . .YOU HAVE TO BE STRONG FOR YOU AND YOUR FAMILY!

My mother didn't have the adult network my dad did (he had lived in the UK for years before bringing her over for marriage and he's a good 30 years older than her) and suffered from extreme paranoia to the extent that she thought everyone had tried to kill her (she accused me at one point and sent me to be exorcised in the middle of first year exams at uni) so she would rely on us even when we were small kids as her confidants.

All I can see. . .are 2 sad people who decided to start a family. . . by default or by design!

But there are always occasions where the issue of guilt creeps up again. I love my dad but I also think he is selfish for putting such a burden on us.

If you decide to feel guilty that you were the causes of your parents' WOES. . . .THAT IS YOUR CHOICE. Given that your father is over 30 years older than your mom. . .I HOPE SHE WAS NOT IMPREGNATED AS A MISGUIDED TEENAGER? Is that why your father is PUTTING THE BLAME ON YOU. . .THE CHILDREN? Well?
Tough. . . Y'ALL NEED TO GET OVER YOURSELVES. . . PEOPLE HAVE NO FAMILIES TO CALL THEIR OWN! YOU HAVE ONE! MAKE IT STRONGER!

You are here now. . .and you survived! NO NEED TO PLAY 'DA VICTIM'. . . .What ever it takes. . . STAY HAPPY AND FOCUSED. . . LOVE THEM AND BE HAPPY! THEY BOTH NEED YOUR STRENGTH TO CARRY ON. . .SO THEY DO NOT DIE UNHAPPY AND MISERABLE! If you need some 'chemical' assistance to 'fend-off' a MOST-DEF GENETIC PREDISPOSITION TO DEPRESSION AND BIPOLAR DISORDERS. . .please, get HELP asap!

PUssinally
PUssina-PUssinally. . . .

Song of the day. . .


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ttdU19Kwce8

Nashville: Touching story. But I just want to clarify. Did you say your dad is 30 years older than your mum or is that a typo?

No it wasn't! There is roughly a 30 year difference but I should also add that my mum was around 30 years old when they met so it wasn't a teenage/adult relationship thing.

timeframe: Me! I csn relate. Dont know which is worse? Urs or mine but my story is different, I wont n dont want to share but all I have to tell u is despite what has happened try n be the best that u can Be .Ur destiny is different. Don't think because it happened to ur parents same would happen to u. Choose ur path and be the best. Ppl r going through worse u cant even imagine but thats life for you.focus on being a better person.

You are right; thank you. Sorry to hear you went through similar.

baby_123: Both your parents have issues and are throwing blame around. They know you all saw them at their most stu*pid, and are blaming each other and even you for their problems before you hold them responsible. How old are you? It is time to stand up for yourselves. Tell them it is enough. They both are to blame for their woes and they should leave you both out of it. Damn it all and let them know that growing up, they were not role models at all. And you pray to God that you will not turn out to be what they are. Let them know the damage they have done to you and your sister by their actions. Tell them to their face, that they are the cause of their own problems, and it will be great if for once, they can leave their kids out. They have always been the adults here and are solely responsible for their actions. As the child, it is not your place to take sides, settle fights or take responsibility for adults actions. It is not also your place or concern to listen to negative talk about each of your parents. If they have anything to say about each other, they should face themselves. I think you need to get your independence and leave such a negative environment. But remind both of them, that what ever their regrets, they have themselves to blame. You are not at fault. You didnt ask to be born into this or endure two adults that act like kids.

Thank you. We have confronted them about this and though my mother now sees I think my dad still feels the sole victim.

Kanwulia: PUssinally
PUssina-PUssinally. . . .


Dear OP. . . You had a very normal childhood BY NIGERIAN STANDARDS.
Please, kneel down every day and NIGHT and thank your GODS!
No matter how dysfunctional. . . I can see some good sides to both parents. . .THEY DID NOT ABANDON YOU! YOU WERE NOT ABORTED!
You are now an adult. . . YOU MUST PAVE YOU OWN WAY. . . FIND YOUR OWN PATH. . . AND LOVE THIS ONE FAMILY YOU WILL EVER HAVE. . .
Your sister has a choice too. . . .YOU HAVE TO BE STRONG FOR YOU AND YOUR FAMILY!



All I can see. . .are 2 sad people who decided to start a family. . . by default or by design!



If you decide to feel guilty that you were the causes of your parents' WOES. . . .THAT IS YOUR CHOICE. Given that your father is over 30 years older than your mom. . .I HOPE SHE WAS NOT IMPREGNATED AS A MISGUIDED TEENAGER? Is that why your father is PUTTING THE BLAME ON YOU. . .THE CHILDREN? Well?
Tough. . . Y'ALL NEED TO GET OVER YOURSELVES. . . PEOPLE HAVE NO FAMILIES TO CALL THEIR OWN! YOU HAVE ONE! MAKE IT STRONGER!

You are here now. . .and you survived! NO NEED TO PLAY 'DA VICTIM'. . . .What ever it takes. . . STAY HAPPY AND FOCUSED. . . LOVE THEM AND BE HAPPY! THEY BOTH NEED YOUR STRENGTH TO CARRY ON. . .SO THEY DO NOT DIE UNHAPPY AND MISERABLE! If you need some 'chemical' assistance to 'fend-off' a MOST-DEF GENETIC PREDISPOSITION TO DEPRESSION AND BIPOLAR DISORDERS. . .please, get HELP asap!

PUssinally
PUssina-PUssinally. . . .

I am not playing the victim. I know people have gone through worse and being my parents I am aware of their good qualities. I disagree that this is a normal Nigerian upbringing. I used to think that but now realise that it's not. I don't choose to feel guilty but it's hard not to when you are still dealing with your parents' problems. I am still there for them and love them. Parts of your comment echo my dad

Nkeon: I grew up in a household where my parents would physically and verbally abuse each other. on the outside we were a well mannered, church going, decent Nigerian family that was career and education driven. But behind the scenes it was non-stop fights plaguing us.
This went on for many years until a big incident that lead to my parents' separation. Living apart, my dad visits and they are civil (incredulous that this can be after all the BS that went on before). Though they still maintain the other is solely to blame. As kids, my older sister was particularly effected and she had an eating disorder and a few suicide attempts. I'm not saying it was all my parents' fault but the fighting didn't help. As a result, my parents would try to exempt her from the fights. They also refrained from fighting in front of company. Yet somehow my sister and I were capable of being the main witnesses of all their trouble; they couldn't stop for our sakes.

The worst thing is that my dad has always made us feel guilty and responsible for everything. He could hit my mum but could never try and talk with her. He would instead go around to people painting himself as a sole victim and saying that us children did little to resolve the situation. We tried our best to stop them but they would always go back to square one and ignore/resist our efforts. We cried, told them off, tried to reason with them to no avail. My dad never acknowledged any of these efforts and would get relatives to come around and tell us all, including my mother, off. One incident lead to my dad being badly injured and needing surgery. This confirmed to everybody that he was a battered husband when the reality was that it was both of them causing trouble for each other. My mother didn't have the adult network my dad did (he had lived in the UK for years before bringing her over for marriage and he's a good 30 years older than her) and suffered from extreme paranoia to the extent that she thought everyone had tried to kill her (she accused me at one point and sent me to be exorcised in the middle of first year exams at uni) so she would rely on us even when we were small kids as her confidants.

There is too much to this story to write but basically I feel so guilty about what happened. On the one hand I feel it is unfair that I should be blamed for their troubles but on the other I wonder if it is really my fault. My mum, despite her faults, has always shown us that we were her priority and that she really loves us. In fact she would get angry that we couldn't see that all the pain and suffering she went through with my dad was for us because she would tell us that he never cared and said that we were social services' responsibility. Though my dad didn't bother to speak to us much and instead expected us to just know that we should act in his favour, he was a smart man that helped with our education and also to challenge the world around us (oh the irony). I currently speak with my parents, live with my mum and carry on as normal. But there are always occasions where the issue of guilt creeps up again. I love my dad but I also think he is selfish for putting such a burden on us.

Is there anyone out there that can relate?

It's unfortunate that you and your sister were put through the emotional heavel of parents who don't get along.

A marriage is mean to be enjoyed and not endured - and from what you've typed up here, it's obvious that your parents ought to have parted ways long before they eventually did. Yes, ideally, marriage is for life but when two obviously mis-matched people or couples can't reconcile their differences, the people who suffer the most are the kids caught in the middle. Your sister trying to commit suicide not once but several times ought to have been a wake-up call to them. Anyone can see that, that was a cry for help from her.

You say you're in the UK? You can't erase the past, but you can take control of your future - and that's why I think both you and your sister need to get some help by seeing a qualified counsellor to talk through your traumatic childhoods. Hopefully, history won't repeat itself either through you or your sister.

It is well.

Dear OP,
Good day!
Can you in one sentence tell ME what this burden of guilt really is o. I don't get it.

Dear Op, you're stuck in your parents issues that you're not focusing on your life. Instead they are living their lives through you.
You need to overcome this and the first step is to learn to not be stuck in the middle of both of them
.
When they have issues, it's you they run to, complain to, confide in, conspire with...whereas you are supposed to be the child here.
.
It will take a lot to resist their influence over you, but you can beat this. You can be stronger than this. I know your self esteem is low. You're never confident of yourself but you can change that. I'm not saying that the road will be paved with gold, but I assure you, you will breathe more freely when you are free.
.
Always have it in mind that you owe it to yourself alone to make something good out of your life. Focus on yourself, channel your energy to being you and taking responsibility for yourself and for your siblings. Your parents are adults. Leave them to resolve their issues by themselves.
.
I've been there and I overcame. I know where to channel my energy. You too can overcome.

See guilt as box.dnt open it and dnt carry it.difficult sometimes tho. Bt i pulled thro not by physical strent o (me 4 where)it came by the grace of God.i had no choice thanTO pray God into my life,home and siblings.
U can do it as wel!

Nkeon:

No it wasn't! There is roughly a 30 year difference but I should also add that my mum was around 30 years old when they met so it wasn't a teenage/adult relationship thing.

Nkeon, nice meeting u here. but really, i think you should just work at finding peace with yourself and ur parent rather than trying to mend their differences. they have been at for like how long now to no avail. if ur mum was 30 years old that makes ur dad 60 years old at marriage and like how old now, 80, 85, common, he is getting old and will need u and ur sister soonest. forget all the fights, and just act like u've got seperated parent. dont let ur mum rope u in with her discussion on ur dad's attitude. just act neutral. be a daughter to ur dad and ur mum and have a good life, u'll find things much easier. plan to have a healthy marriage as we discussed on the other thread and God will work out the rest.

Just trying to do some math. Your mum was in her thirties, I pick 32,and your dad roughly 30 years older, puts him at 62. wow! you we're probably 10, 12, when they had the fights, yes? that would make your dad 74 years old... hmmm. if you were older because I heard you mention uni let's say 18 years old, that would make your dad 80 years... still can't wrap my head a assume this story.... wow!

Just trying to do some math. Your mum was in her thirties, I pick 32,and your dad roughly 30 years older, puts him at 62. wow! you we're probably 10, 12, when they had the fights, yes? that would make your dad 74 years old... hmmm. if you were older because I heard you mention uni let's say 18 years old, that would make your dad 80 years... still can't wrap my head around this story.... wow!

Mu he he he he he he he


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lp6z3s1Gig0

Bludeville: Just trying to do some math. Your mum was in her thirties, I pick 32,and your dad roughly 30 years older, puts him at 62. wow! you we're probably 10, 12, when they had the fights, yes? that would make your dad 74 years old... hmmm. if you were older because I heard you mention uni let's say 18 years old, that would make your dad 80 years... still can't wrap my head around this story.... wow!

Tbh, I'm not 100% sure of my parents' exact ages. We didn't know my dad's real age for a long time though people around me always noticed that he looked a lot older, we never did. But yes now he is in his 80s. I know the age gap is around 30 years or 20-something but no more than 30. I am now in my mid-late twenties but they have fought for as long as I can remember until 6 years ago when my dad moved out. The guilt and reminders still bother me though.

I mentioned the age gap to explain why my mum felt so distant from his network of friends. I should also add that they brought us up well and gave us happy times and nurture. But unfortunately the fighting was a lot and as it was never dealt with it still has an effect today.