For my house we dey chop
well-well,we dey chop. God
don butter my bread, come
sugar our tea.He don bless us so much with food sotey all the domestic and international
animals wey dey our house dey form "Ajebor".
Make you for take know say I nor dey lie, the
rats wey dey our compound dey flex, dem be
like bull dog. Our dogs? Dem be like Lion.Our
chicken dem nko? Dem be like Kangaroo! All
the food wey we eat remain naim dem dey
eat. We sef be like puff-puff, our body dey
shine, e dey shine pass 60 watts light bulb. If
you never still believe me, come visit me for
my house for Sekina street. Yes, things don
dey better for our area now. Government don
put Kolotar for our road, come cover our
gutters well-well. No more mosquitoes, but
the one wey manage show, for him small
mind na London e dey.
Water no be problem for our area again after
wetin happen to papa Blessing. If you wan
know wetin happen to papa Blessing, you go
meet with our tori keeper for nairaland
here. Na for there you go see how man use
water take wicked him fellow man, and how
water take show man say wetin Fela talk no
be lie,say true-true, water nor get enemy.
As things take change sharperly for our
korokoro eyes for Sekina street with surprise,
na im the thing wey happen, wey I wan talk
so, take shock me. If to say na another person
e happen to,I for no agree with wetin I hear.
But my people, the thing happen to me. I dey
shake my head as I dey write so even sef my
hand dey follow shake too. Oyinbo go say
tremble. My people as ASUU dey strike- we
nor kuku know who strike pass between dem
and thunder,and PDP dey get new branch
wey nor gree, plus Boko Haram wey no gree
for our soldier people, na so the rats wey dey
for our house too come dey para.
I been think say NCC don register all
numbers for our country so security tight
well-well. But na lie o, some people dey train
demselves to scatter good things. As the
country come nearly wan get k-leg, dey come
sack me for my work place.Na him I join the
new PDP declare fast for my house. One week
fast o, just one week, make God show me my
enemies dem.Na the enemy wey you know,
better pass the one wey you nor know o.
True-true my enemies dem show,dem show
well! Who say God nor dey answer prayer?
Papa God dey answer prayer well-well. But
this prayer wey He answer, na strong ting,e
pass my power.
Make I nor dey tempted to enter my
neighbour house go chop free food, naim I
comot go church go stay for seven days o. As
I dey prepare to break my fast on the last day,eye don dey turn me
make I for return to my house, na im I receive
this call from Mr. Rat, Co-ordinator of the
activities of rat in my room.Na so e introduce
himself o.
With him tiny voice, “hello”, Yes hello, who
am I speaking with?
Na Mr Oghene be dis abi?
"Yes you are speaking with Mr Oghene, who is
this please?"
"So you no recognize my voice abi? Na me
your room mate Mr. Rat, the co-ordinator of
all the rat runs for your room."
"Jesus! You say what?I rebuke you!"
"Wetin you dey
rebuke? Abegi, I dey on top your table now
for inside your bedroom."
-I beg your pardon? Which room?
"Which yeye beg you dey beg. And which yeye
English u dey follow me yarn? You never hala. See I
never chop for the past 7 days wey you waka
comot. You nor know say na your house be
our secretariat for Sekina street?How
secretariat no go get food? I check that place
wey you dey put food I no see anything. I
check the kitchen nothing. I even check your
fridge no single food there."
-You got into my fridge?
"keep quiet, I still dey talk.E be like say you no
like yourself.So you wan kill me and my guys
abi? Before you go kill us,we go don kill you
first.You see as man dem wicked? No
problem, my informants dem tell me say dem
don sack you for work naim make food nor
dey this house.But that one no be my
business. Anyway, I just wan let you know say
that your certificate wey dey inside your
wardrobe wey dem write DELTA STATE
UNIVERSITY I don eat the “DEL” comot.
Remaining “TA STATE UNIVERSITY". Make I see which work you go take”TA” State
University find. Rubbish!!!"
Hello,hello are you still there…
Na so Mr. Rat drop the phone o.
My brothers and sisters as una take shock,
naim me take shock. I just dey shake for here.
Una dey see wickedness? Where rat see
phone? When rat start to dey talk? But how I
go take shock reach again when things dey
happen everyday wey dey shock man
pikin.Na speed I take begin to run go
house.But wetin my eyes see as I reach house,
no be wetin my mouth fit talk.I go tell una
when my blood don come down.:p

Part two
As if wetin I hear for phone
neva do, wetin I hear for
inside the bus wey carry me
reach the bustop wey near my house, no be
wetin my mouth fit talk finish. But I go try
talk am, after all, person wey electric shock
still get mouth take shout. Make una help me
ask Papa Blessing wetin e see wey a whole
man like am go dey cry “milk, milk”, like
small pikin when electric show am pepper.My
people no be small thing.
As I comot for church dey waka go bustop, I
dey think wetin I go do for this Mr. Rat wey
call me from my own house. My own house o,
on top my table for inside my bedroom! Chai
wetin man pikin no go see for this end time
wey we dey so.
As I dey think dey go, naim I hear conductor
dey shout under hot sun, “Sekina, Sekina, 70
naira. Sekina straight, enter with your change
ooo”. Why dem dey shout like this sef? I just
dey wonder.
“If you no get change no enter o. Ma wole ti o
ba ni change o”. Na so I jump inside the bus
o. I kuku look for one corner inside the bus
sufri dey think about my life and wetin I go
do to this rat wey dey threaten me from my
own house! Oyinbo go say can you imagine.
My people make una help me imagine o,
ehmn.
Before the bus reach bustop e don full na so
we face Sekina. For my mind I dey fear
because how I wan take face rat wey get the
LIVER to call me.To tell me say him don eat
my certificate, my original certificate wey I
sweat to get from Abraka- As I dey think
about the matter inside the bus, naim the
china phone of the man wey sidon for my
side begin ring.Na so passengers begin hiss.
As everybody take hiss because of the
ringtone, naim everybody inside the bus take
laugh from wetin them use their ear take hear
from the man as he dey follow the person for
phone talk. You know say for inside bus,
person no kuku get secret. Anything wey you
dey talk naim everybody go dey hear. Na so
everybody chook ear-
With cool temper, “Hello, yes this is Mr.
Ogbonna”.
-Ali, wetin good about the afternoon? Ehn I
say wetin good? You better keep your stupid
compliments to yourself.You dis thief.
We for inside the bus no dey kuku hear wetin
the person wey dey call am dey talk and wetin
he do. But wetin him talk next give us idea
say the person dey owe am money. By this
time the man don dey vibrate with him
Igbostic accent for the phone like say na the
phone be the person wey dey owe am money.
-Before you frustrate me, I will frustrate you
if you dont give me my money.Infact listen to
me carefully, I will give you two options. Just
two options and you must choose one. It is
either I take your name to a native doctor
and kill you! Or I arrest you with the C.I.D
and you will die in prison. Choose one and
call me back!!! Na so he drop him phone with
vex.
By this time driver don stop for roadside
begin dey laugh like Jackee. Everybody begin
to shake with laugh some of us just kuku dey
roll for ground, while the conductor wey we
think say he no hear don jump down begin
dey laugh dey go. Till today we no see am
again.
Me wey dey think of my own rat palava don
see another man palava come forget say I get
problem for ground. But Eureka!!! As we dey
laugh go naim the thing nak me for my mind.
Shebi na human being threaten another
human being with babalawo. Me sef I go
threaten Mr. Rat with rat poison, afterall the
people wey dey sell am be like baba lawo too
no difference. This rat think say e get sense
abi? Me I go show am say even though I dey
work for Lagos, na for Warri dem born me. A
whole me- Oghenekaro Tega Nowamagbe,
aka Ikotomo naim rat dey threaten, e nor dey
fear? Forget say I dey carry bible o,me sef I be
ninja turtle!
Na so my confidence take rise o. But my
people, rat pass rat.
Na so I come down from the bus waka enter
Mama Sikirat shop where she dey sell
Amala.I bring my phone out from my pocket
and with courage naim I look for the number
wey Mr. Rat take call me.Na so he pick.
I just form masquerade voice take call am.
“Hello, Mr Rat”.
-This no be Mr. Rat o, this naim secretary,
infact this is a wrong number.”
Eh!!! See swagger when the phone fall comot
for my hand I nor know. Rat wey get
secretary? Which type of work he dey do!!!
My people, me wey dey form courage before
when I hear say rat get secretary, come dey
tell me join say I dey call the wrong number, I
just weak. Make I first nak correct amala
whether I go get power to call again. If I eat
finish I go nak una the rest tori. I dey come.
¤¤Watch out for Part 3 ¤¤:p

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Comment if you want the Part 3 of RAT. PALAVA

part 3
Food na for belle and belle na for food. If you
no believe me go ask Mr. Paul wey fast for
only one day,one day o, naim he begin hear e
name. He begin tell people say dem dey call
am. Who dey call am ,we no know. Na when
he finish one plate of correct rice wey dem
use salad and dodo take decorate, naim he
no hear him name again.
As I eat mama Sikira Amala finish, naim my
own eyes clear well-well. Although nobody
dey call my name like Mr. Paul so make una
no laugh. So I pick my phone to take call this
rat before I reach my house. I no kuku know
wetin dem don do again. But I go Iet dem
know who be the real owner of the house, but
I go dey careful sha make I no enter their
trap. Rat wey eat your certificate, your
certificate wey you spend years with many ASUU strike
take collect, fit do anything. As una use una
eyes take see and una go still see.
Before I think finish naim my phone ring.
“Hello”
Mr. Oghene, my secretary tell me say you call
me, you no dey fear? Your Papa left yansh dia, So you get liver to call
me and you expect me to pick your yeye call?
You no dey fear?
-Hello, Mr. Rat, fear what? Are you God?
You are not even a human and I should be
afraid of you?
Now listen to me, I will give you two options
and you must choose one. It is either I kill
you and your stupid gang with rat poison or I
come into my house with rodent fumigator
and fume all of you out of the whole of
Sekina. Choose one and call me back!
Na so I use the style of the bus man answer
am come drop the phone! Before I get the
chance to laugh,naim the phone
ring again.
Him voice be like tataafo own for phone.
“Mr Oghene I know say you be warri boy, me
sef I be warri rat. How you think say I take be
the Co-ordinator of things for this area? We
nor dey come last, you sef know that one.
And incase you dey wonder how I take reach
here, na inside that your mumu bag wey you
call suitcase naim I dey for Warri before you
separate me from my papa and mama.As I
come reach Lagos naim I see all this Lagos
rat wey just big for nothing dey do like Osuo.
E nor reach ten days before I become oga for
here.As a street rat wey don survive crude oil
wahala for our hole for Warri,Lagos na small
thing as even you can see.
I confuse.
-Ha?
Why you dey shout? You never hear anything
you dey shout. So na me you dey use rat
poison to threaten, a whole me. No be today
we don dey eat rat poison na,dem no tell you?
E don tey. Make I tell you wetin you no know,
I go cool down eat your food, still cool down
eat your rat poison and nothing go happen.
Your head no correct!
And for that fumigator, bring am come, we
go help you do am. Na there you go know say
Boko Haram wahala for North na small
thing. We no need to do national conference
before we take action. Before you go fumigate
your house, we go don use our shit take
design Nigeria map for your wardrobe. Come
use our mess take fumigate your room for
you.
-Ye!
-Ye ke, you no know say rat dey mess? Mr
Oghenekaro, this is fire for fire! You better
come back to this house with food for the
boys unless we go kidnap your house.
-Kidnap my house?
You never hear am before? Okay If you never
hear am, na we wan start am. Nonsense!
Na so phone drop.
My people na shout I fit dey shout, as e dey
talk because I tire. If Warri rat tell you say he
go eat your poison and nothing go happen to
am, help you fumigate your house come
kidnap your house, you better believe am. But
my people make una advise me.

If you dey
my shoes, wetin you go do?

Signal! Signalp!! Signal!!!
This is LT.Gen PussyCat.......
Alpha Team to d right
Red berret attack frm d rear.Roger! Red berret to d rear....Over
Evacuate d occupants...Over(Roger back)
Kill all d rat millitant on site...That's d direct order.
Shoot every rat rebels on site...Over
All units reports to base whn d operation over...