An old woman buys herself some bright red crotchless
panties and goes home to surprise her husband.
When her husband comes home, she calls him into the
bedroom and points to her new panties. "Hey old timer,"
she says, "come and get some of this!"
The old man says, "Hell no, woman. It done ate a hole in
your drawers!"

An old couple celebrates their 50th wedding anniversary
in their home.
"Just think," the old man says, "we were sitting here at this
same breakfast table, naked as jaybirds, 50 years ago."
"Well," the old lady snickers, "what do you say -- should
we get naked?"
The two immediately strip to the buff and sit back down at
the table. "You know, honey," the little old lady says slyly,
"My breasts burn for you now as they did 50 years ago."
"I'm not surprised," replies the old man. "One's in your
coffee and the other is in your oatmeal!"

A very old woman realizes that she's seen and done
everything and the time has come to depart from this
world. After considering various methods of doing away
with herself, she decides to shoot herself through the
heart.
Not wanting to make a mistake, she phones her doctor and
asks him the exact location of the heart. He tells her that
the heart is located two inches below the left nipple.
The old woman hangs up the phone, takes careful aim and
shoots herself in the left knee.

A funeral service is held for a woman who just passed
away. As the pallbearers carry the casket out, they
accidentally bump into a wall.
They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find
that the woman is actually alive.
She lives for 10 more years and then dies. They have
another funeral for her. At the end of the service, the
pallbearers carry out the casket.
As they are walking, the husband cries out, "Watch out for
the wall!"

A man walks into a bar and orders three beers.
The bartender brings him the three beers, and the man
proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the
third, until they're gone.
He then orders three more and the bartender says, "Sir, I
know you like them cold, so you can start with one, and I'll
bring you a fresh one as soon as you're low."
The man says, "You don't understand. I have two
brothers, one in Australia and one in the Ireland. We made
a vow to each other that every Saturday night, we'd still
drink together. So right now, my brothers have three
beers, too, and we're drinking together."
The bartender thinks it's a wonderful tradition, and every
week he sets up the guy's three beers. Then one week, the
man comes in and orders only two. He drinks them and
then orders two more. The bartender says sadly, "Knowing
your tradition, I'd just like to just say that I'm sorry you've
lost a brother."
The man replies, "Oh, my brothers are fine -- I just quit
drinking."

A blonde's house was on fire. She called 911 and started
screaming, "Help me, please! My house is burning! Hurry!"
The operator said, "Okay, calm down and we'll be there
soon. How do we get to your house?"
The blonde answered, "Duh, in that big red truck!"

A blonde was headed to Detroit. She got on the plane and
sat down in first class.
A few minutes later, a flight attendent came up to her and
told her that her ticket was for coach and she had to move
from the seat. She refused. The flight attendent was
persistant, but the blonde replied, "No, I want to sit here,
I've always wanted to see what it is like in first class."
The flight attendent was getting frustrated. Finally, after
quite some time, she convinced her to move.
Another passenger who overheard the conversation asked
the attendent, "How did you get her to move?"
The flight attendent replied, "I told her that first class
doesn't stop in Detroit."

An airline captain was helping a new blonde flight
attendant prepare for her first overnight trip. Upon their
arrival, the captain showed the flight attendant the best
place for airline personnel to eat, shop, and stay overnight.
The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for
the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was
missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and
called her up to ask what happened to her. She answered
the phone, crying, and said, "I can't get out of the room!"
"You can't get out of your room?"; the captain asked. "Why
not?" She replied, "There are only three doors in here," she
sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one
has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"

Marriage therapists did a study and found out the the #1
cause of divorce in this country is....MARRIAGE!

Q: Did you hear about the guy who found out the secret to
making women happy?
A: No, neither did I.

Two college roommates are about to go to bed. The guy in
the top bunk has his girlfriend sleeping over. To try and
keep quiet, they devise a code. His girlfriend will say
"tomato" if she wants him to go slower and "lettuce" for
him to go faster. As they begin to have sex, the girl starts
to moan, "Lettuce, lettuce, tomato, tomato!" The roommate
on the bottom bunk wakes up the next morning and says,
"Stop making sandwiches at night. You got mayonnaise in
my eye!"

This guy was having a problem with mice in his
apartment. "Dude," he told a friend, "I've tried everything
and those damn mice keep coming back." "I had the same
thing man," his friend says. "All you have to do is stuff
steel wool in their little holes." "That's it?" the guy asked.
"I'll do it tonight if it means getting rid of the damn
rodents."
About a week later the guy gets a call. "How's it going with
the mice, buddy?" "Not so good, dude." "What's the
problem?" his friend asks. "To be honest, I'm having a lot
of trouble holding their little legs apart."

A question had appeared in a student's medical
examination which read: "List four benefits of breast milk."
A student began to answer the question: 1. No need to
bottle it. 2. Cats can't steal it. 3. Available whenever
necessary. But the fourth point eluded him.
When there were barely a couple of minutes before the
exam ended, the fourth point flashed before his mind. So
he completed the answer by writing: 4. Available in different and attractive containers.

Little Johnny's first grade class was playing "Name That
Animal." The teacher held up a picture of a cat and asked,
"What animal is this?"
"A cat!" said Suzy.
"Good job. Now, what's this animal?"
"A dog!" said Ricky.
"Good. Now what animal is this?" she asked, holding up a
picture of a deer.
The class fell silent. After a couple of minutes, the teacher
said, "It's what your mom calls your dad."
"I know!" called out Little Johnny. "A Hot bastard!"

One day God came to Adam to pass on some news.
"I've got some good news and some bad news," God said.
Adam looked at God and said, "Well, give me the good
news first."
Smiling, God explained, "I've got two new organs for you.
One is called a brain. It will allow you to be very intelligent,
create new things and have intelligent conversations with
Eve. The other organ I have for you is called a penis. It will
allow you to reproduce your life form and populate this
planet. Eve will be very happy that you now have this
organ to give her children."
Adam, very excited, exclaimed, "These are great gifts.
What could possibly be bad news after such great
tidings?"
God looked upon Adam and said with great sorrow, "The
bad news is that when I created you, I only gave you
enough blood to operate one of these organs at a time."
Then, God came to Eve to pass on some news too. "I've
got some good news and some bad news," God said.
Eve looked at God and said, "Well, give me the good news
first."
Smiling, God explained, "I've got two new organs for you.
One is called a brain. It will allow you to be very intelligent,
create new things and have intelligent conversations with
Adam. The other organ I have for you is called a vagina. It
will allow you to reproduce your now intelligent life form
and populate this planet. Adam will be very happy that you
now have this organ to give him children."
Eve, very excited, exclaimed, "These are great gifts you
have given to me. What could possibly be bad news after
such great tidings?"
God looked upon Eve and said with great sorrow, "The bad
news is that when I created you, I only gave you enough
blood to operate one of these organs at a time. While
you're bleeding through one of them every 28 days, the
other will remain useless."

Q: Why can't a blonde count to 70?
A: Because 69's a mouthful.

A guy sees his new neighbor out in his backyard, so he
decides to get acquainted. After introductions, he asks the
new neighbor what he does for a living.
The new neighbor says, "I'm a professor." The first
neigbhbor then asks, "Oh yeah, what do you teach?"
"Logic," the professor reponds.
"What is that?" the neighbor inquires.
"Well, let me see if I can give you an example...you have a
dog, right?"
"Yeah, that's right," neighbor #1 responds.
"And you have children too, right?" says the professor.
"Wow, right again!" exclaims the neighbor.
"So, then you must be married and that would make you a
heterosexual, right?'' proclaims the professor.
"Unbelievable, you're absolutely correct. How do you
know all this about me?"
"Well," the professor says, "I observed there was a dog
house in your backyard, so you must have a dog. I also
saw bicycles next to your garage, so you must have
children. And if you have children, you are probably
married and if your married, you are most likely
heterosexual... it was all logical!"
The next afternoon, the neighbor runs into his old friend.
His friend asks if he has met the new neighbor. The man
says that he met him yesterday.
"What's he like?"
"Well," the man says, "he's nice and he is a professor of
logic."
"Oh," says the friend, "what's logic?"
"Maybe I can give you an example. Do you have a dog
house?"
"Why, no, I do not," responds the friend.
"Well, then," proclaims the man, "you must be gay!"

Q: Why did the blonde get so excited when she finished
her jigsaw puzzle in only 6 months?
A: Because on the box it said "From 2-4 years."

On the first day of college, the dean addressed the
students, pointing out some of the rules: "The female
dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and
the male dormitory will be off limits to the female students.
Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the
first time. Anybody caught breaking this rule the second
time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost
you $180. Are there any questions?"
One student raised his hand and asked, "How much for a
season pass?"

Three Americans were up against a very large Russian in a
wrestling meet. They were nervous because he had a
famous move called "The Russian Pretzel," which often
landed his opponents in the hospital.
When the first American caught a glimpse of him, he said,
"Coach, he's HUGE. I'm scared."
The coach replied, "You da MAN! Just go in there and tear
him up!"
The guy started the match quite confidently, but after
about a minute, the Russian picked him up, slammed him
into the famous pretzel, and sent him to the emergency
room.
The same thing happened to the second wrestler, so the
third guy was petrified. He told his coach he was backing
out.
The coach said, "C'mon, son. You're our last chance!"
The kid started out pretty well, but when the Russian
started to twist him into the pretzel, the coach covered his
eyes. When he opened them, he saw the referee holding
the American's hand up in victory. The coach, baffled,
asked the kid how he did it.
"Well Coach, when that damn Russian picked me up and
started twisting my body, it HURT! So when I saw two red
things dangling there, I bit them... HARD! You'd be
surprised what you can do when you bite your own balls!"

It was Christmas Eve, and a lady hadn't had sex in a long
time, so she decided to wait for Santa. When he came
down the chimney, she took off her shirt and said, "Ooh
Santa, please stay."
And he said, "Ho ho ho, guess I better go, gotta get toys to
children, ya know."
So she took off her pants and said, "No no - please stay."
And he replied, "Ho ho ho, guess I better go, gotta get
toys to children, ya know."
So she took off everything else, and said, "Ooh, please
stay."
And he said, "Hey hey hey, guess I better stay, can't get up
the chimney with my d**k this way!"

Dont know about you guys but I think 'Akpors' is overrated.

Wilfred had just learned his abc's and was very scared of
doing them in front of the class. The teacher, though, told
him that the best way to conquer his fears would be to just
go ahead and do it. So, trembling, he stood in front of the
class and began.
"ABCDEFGHIJLKMNOQRSTUVWXYZ."
"Very good, Wilfred. But you forgot the P. Where's the P?
"It's running down my leg."

There was a little boy and a little girl in a bathtub having a
bath. Suddenly the little girl looked down at the boy.
"Can I touch it?"
"No way -- you already broke yours off!"

A man was in a bar all day and he had to use the
bathroom. He was in there for a while, yelling, so the
barmaid reluctantly went to the bathroom to check on him.
"Sir, what are you yelling about? You're scaring the
customers."
"Every time I try to flush the toilet something keeps biting
my balls!"
"Sir, please get off the mop bucket."

A blonde goes on a hot date and ends up making out with
the guy in his car. The guy asks if she would like to go in
the backseat.
"No!" yells the blonde.
Things get even hotter, and the guy asks again.
"For the last time, no!" says the blonde. Frustrated, the guy
asks, "Well, why the hell not?"
The blonde says, "Because I wanna stay up here with
you!"

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