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Nairaland Forum / Entertainment / Literature / Christopher's Cave... (888 Views)
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Christopher's Cave... by LarryVercetti(m): 5:25pm On Jan 05, 2014 |
Hey guys. I'm new to the game of posting, just as Ozil is new to EPL, but I've been observing for a while (Like Ozil with the hawk eyes) and I think I'm ready. I'll be posting here. Your criticisms and comments would be greatly appreciated. Thanks.. |
Re: Christopher's Cave... by LarryVercetti(m): 5:30pm On Jan 05, 2014 |
[b][/b][b][/b]RATS NIGHT OUT -- CHAPTER 1 {Hello, I know it may shock you to find out that a rat wrote this blogpost. I’ve been genetically engineered, scientifically modified, biologically disposed, personally — erm, you get the idea already. Lemme share an experience with you before the owner of this blog catches me on his dashboard} *sips Larry’s wine* *puts ‘Skelewu’ on repeat****************************************** The room was filled to the brim with our species of different kinds and from different walks of life («– by that, I mean the animal kingdom). The white rats, the ‘ewuju’, ‘ekute’, ‘emo’, brown rats, black rats et al were all present. The room was also stuffy. There was noise everywhere, murmurs, cries of the ratlings and also foul odour everywhere (I know the white rats with big anal cavities can’t be trusted on that). Everyone also shared a common trait in there — hunger. Its been months since anyone of us went out to feed since ‘The Battle of the Chefs’, which took place at Sweet Sensation, when we lost some of our brothers to the merciless humans with white hats in a clean kitchen («- kitchen or arsenal?) The head of the colony had imposed strict rules that no one must leave the pack since then, for fear of losing others, since a new potent killer known as ‘ota pia pia’ has been invented by the ‘Federal Ministry For Rats Annihilation Programme’. Whew! The war humans wage against us though. Tonight, we all received messages on our BlackBerry smartphones (yeah, Blackberry. You never thought we rats had swaggs abi?) and the rest who didn’t have got a ping on their torchlight-nokias. We were all summoned to a meeting where we were going to decide our fate by the head of the clan (the shameless leader ate my dead grandpa. I’ll never forgive him). “O ye does and gentlerats”, the rat leader paused for silence to dwell, “I have summoned ye all here today to express thine minds concerning the issue on ground, so that we may proffer a lasting solution” (you think he speaks good English? You better go look for your KJV bible. He stole it!!!) Everyone gave him their rapt attention now. Mouths had started salivating and stomachs rumbling. Their days of hunger-spells and eating of family members (oops! I wasn’t supposed to tell you guys that) were about to come to an end. The much desired effect had dawned on the congregation and the beard of the head-mouse twitched at that. Something mischievous was about to come out of those lips, I know. “So I have decided” he began. This generated murmurs from the congregation. This wasn’t the first time the headrat would do this. He would ask for opinions on things he was already decided on. “That tonight”, he continued, without minding the murmurs, “we attack the Intercontinental Suites. There is a presidential party going on there, and guess what that means? Yeah, you guessed right, lots of food for us” At this, even those of us that were unhappy that he didn’t inlclude us in his plans were happy. We all jumped and yelled for joy. We were going to have the feeding session (naïve humans call it infestation) of our lives. I looked in the direction of the council of elders, their look didn’t show me they wanted us to go, but the head had spoken. Each rat returned to his own home, me to my own castle (I live in an engineer’s cupboard *shines teeth*) and prepared for the escapade, later in the night. Thanks for reading. Don’t forget to comment and share. Stay tuned for Chapter II |
Re: Christopher's Cave... by LarryVercetti(m): 9:36am On Jan 06, 2014 |
CHAPTER II ***************************************** Everyone went to their various houses, cleaned up, changed their set of teeth and came back to the meeting area (I lifted some weight myself *wink*. Did I hear the ladies say ‘oooh’). Anyways, when we got back, the headrat summoned us all once again and silence fell upon us. “Welcome, does and gentlerats, welcome. Today will be a great day in all our lives. The human race has tried all their possible best to eradicate us, but all to no avail. Their fore- fathers used ‘panpe’, catapults and even guns to stop us, but still, we didn’t die. The ‘War Against Ekute’ group also came up, making ‘soole’ and ‘gbeku’, yet we didn’t budge. Tonight, we conquer them. Tonight, we give them a taste of their own bitter medicine. Tonight, we eat all they’ve prepared. Never fear, vermins, vicccctory, is ours!!” The whole rat population gave shouts of joy at this sweet- mouthed motivation. We were very happy. The last time we were this happy was when Nigeria nearly won a match like that, before Yakubu missed the goal (Did I mention that we ate his jersey in revenge?) and when Skelewu was released (although we do not know what the song is about). We were all very ecstatic about the feeding session of that night. The stores had also been made ready for extra food. “That’s enough”, the headrat said heartily, after some minutes of joy, “let the master strategist give us our modus operandi” In case I forgot to mention, we also have professionals among the rats. The master strategist for all operations we go for is Mr. Ratata (you know that name that R2Bees always call now). The rat mounted the podium with a big map in hand, spectacle resting on his scrawny little pink yellow nose, his stupid shaky legs holding the floor and his devil eyes set upon us all (don’t mind the description. He cheated me to get the job). He laid the big map in his hand on the wall for all to see, and began explanations. “Right here, here and here are the main entrances to the suite, but only here and here have direct links to the kitchen. Observers (by observers, he means Linda Ikeji’s Blog) have said that the chefs perform routine walks to this entrance, and so have reason to believe its the toilet area. From that point, we proceed to a giant cabbage crate. There, we lay in wait for the chefs to all go out and serve” Everyone hailed Ratata’s plan, everyone except me(I’m still angry at the dude. I could crush his balls). Shawty, a female, sexy and hot rat, raised a question after the noise died down. “Mr. Ratatzy (she seduces everyone with a nickname. That she-devil!), any downside to this plan?”. Ratata melted at this and I noticed some activity in the shameless thing’s groins as he replied,”I’m afraid the answer is yes. I must warn you, that the new Skelewu song and the shameless songs by Tonto Dike will be highly hazardours to our healths. You all remember the ‘Alanta Fever Season’ when our brothers took it too far by setting themselves on fire. We might be looking at another Skelewu Fever. So be careful, when you hear the song, block out your ears. And might I add, the First Lady is capable of spewing bombs from her mouth, grammar-wise. Do not stay near her when she’s about to speak”. At this, even I was envious of the job well done by this strategist. He left the podium amidst claps and the headrat once again mounted to give us the closing prayer, so that we might begin the attack. “O ye gods of the vermins! We, thine be-teethed servants have come before ye once again, give us the stomach to hold the food of the sapiens, give our teeth the extra power to chew the food, give our legs the same power ye gave Guy Dangerous to escape any predators, and bring us back here into our cave from where we can always come to listen and groove to the song thine son, David O, just released. Let the attack begin”. At this, we all hooted and ran out of the cave, headed under the grassess and cover of darkness to the Intercontinental Suites. Just tell me, what do you think would happen next? Gotta go, I think Larry’s coming. Stay connected for Chapter III. Don’t forget to comment. |
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