Timbuktou:
Kimoni:

Swedish women are that way because that's how safe women behave. By safe, I mean, provided for, protected and a guarantee of a future for their offspring.

Also, I see you're taking the piss with your fantasising. Wetin you wan use outliers do? . I'm a little sleepy now, so I'll just leave you with my response on the concept of work to some comment on another thread.

Well, it also hinders and slows men's careers too, though, it could be a catalyst for career advancement as he'll work harder. Furthermore, the difference between husbands and wives in the work force is needs versus wants. Most men because they need to, most women work because they want to. Yes, there are women who work out of need but only because their husbands cannot afford them a decent lifestyle or that lifestyle they desire.

If a woman works not because of need but desire, it would make sense to take a less-demanding job. It is the height of vanity for a woman to work a job that deprives her quality home time just because she "went to school". Did you go to school to slave at a job brainlessly or to increase your opportunity for better living?
There's a reason why married men are the most dependable employees. Most men work jobs they hate because the alternative is a drop in living standards and even hunger.

That women have to sacrifice their dreams to run their homes is not oppression, or discrimination or man's-worldism. It is common sense and pragmatism. The dreams of billions of men died the day they had families. It cuts both ways. Unless a man is unhappy in his home and marriage, I doubt he would choose having a job that takes him away from home and one that affords him quality time with family.

The difference in how men handle their roles in life and how women handle theirs is acceptance of fate. We have resigned ourselves to our provisioning role. That is what we do. You, women need to accept yours. As my posts on Page1 illustrate, women in Sweden do the barest minimum when the basics are covered. Na so life be.[/]
https://www.nairaland.com/3222060/women-arent-getting-promotion-because/2#47544566

Tim, you've gone to a whole new level with this post o. I may not disagree much with every other thing you've said as they would be arguments for and against that would make sense but you see the bolded ehnn, I STRONGLY disagree with every statement. In short, I fit tear pant inside the argument as the thing pepper me for body reach and I'm serious o

Kimoni:


Tim, you've gone to a whole new level with this post o. I may not disagree much with every other thing you've said as they would be arguments for and against that would make sense but you see the bolded ehnn, I STRONGLY disagree with every statement. In short, I fit tear pant inside the argument as the thing pepper me for body reach and I'm serious o

Abeg, don't come and traumatise me with you grandma panties. I'm a baby.

On a more serious note, looking at Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs Theory, these are the needs of humans in order of importance.

1. Physiological
2. Safety
3. Love/belonging
4. Esteem
5. Self actualisation

Going by this, I would consider it vain to sacrifice family for work out of ego satisfaction. In my very informed opinion, working on building a strong family is far more beneficial to everybody(lineage and society) than working at a job at which you're super-disposable. What would be the point really?

I was at my son's graduation ceremony yesterday(he graduated to Basic 1 ) and he was, by far, the best pupil in his class. I was a proud father, I just dey stand l'emewa(continually) dey snap like say I be pro photographer. . He's a very intelligent boy but I'm under no illusions as to why he performed that well in class; solid parental support with school work. I help with his homework every chamce I get, but his mum deserves all the accolades. Her middle name na "Hands-On". And she is so because she can afford it. When they announced the prize for the Best-Behaved Student, I nearly laughed out loud, I told his mum he could never win that one and he didn't.

I was woeful at his age because I was left to my devices, I don't begrudge my parents that one single bit. They couldn't afford it. Any other arrangement would have meant extreme poverty. It was difficult for them, but they made it work. My mum would typically return from work at 9pm, there were 10pm and 8pm days, but those were rare. And forget saturdays, she had overtime to do plus ICAN classes and a part-time degree at LASU . The woman na winch. Yet, there are women who don't need that money that do that. Why? Just to feel good. I don't understand it. They return late and then spends their overtime allowance sending their kids to the best and most expensive schools, but it is usually hardly enough; they support that with evening lessons with private teachers. Upon all the evening lesson wey I go, my common entrance score was 491 . My popsy was hysterical. .

Nothing beats family bonding time. It is cheaper and way more effective than throwing money at your child's development.

Sorry, me I don't know how to summarise o.

Timbuktou:



Abeg, don't come and traumatise me with you grandma panties. I'm a baby.

Tim, take this



I'll be back for more

Kimoni:


Tim, take this



I'll be back for more

That your punch wey be like feathers running on the skin? I'm not bothered..

Timbuktou:

On a more serious note, looking at Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs Theory, these are the needs of humans in order of importance.

1. Physiological
2. Safety
3. Love/belonging
4. Esteem
5. Self actualisation

Going by this, I would consider it vain to sacrifice family for work out of ego satisfaction. In my very informed opinion, working on building a strong family is far more beneficial to everybody(lineage and society) than working at a job at which you're super-disposable. What would be the point really?

I was at my son's graduation ceremony yesterday(he graduated to Basic 1 ) and he was, by far, the best pupil in his class. I was a proud father, I just dey stand l'emewa(continually) dey snap like say I be pro photographer. . He's a very intelligent boy but I'm under no illusions as to why he performed that well in class; solid parental support with school work. I help with his homework every chamce I get, but his mum deserves all the accolades. Her middle name na "Hands-On". And she is so because she can afford it. When they announced the prize for the Best-Behaved Student, I nearly laughed out loud, I told his mum he could never win that one and he didn't.

I was woeful at his age because I was left to my devices, I don't begrudge my parents that one single bit. They couldn't afford it. Any other arrangement would have meant extreme poverty. It was difficult for them, but they made it work. My mum would typically return from work at 9pm, there were 10pm and 8pm days, but those were rare. And forget saturdays, she had overtime to do plus ICAN classes and a part-time degree at LASU . The woman na winch. Yet, there are women who don't need that money that do that. Why? Just to feel good. I don't understand it. They return late and then spends their overtime allowance sending their kids to the best and most expensive schools, but it is usually hardly enough; they support that with evening lessons with private teachers. Upon all the evening lesson wey I go, my common entrance score was 491 . My popsy was hysterical. .

Nothing beats family bonding time. It is cheaper and way more effective than throwing money at your child's development.

Sorry, me I don't know how to summarise o.

have you recovered from my killer punch? or you need more time?

I think it's a fallacy to think that career women produce more wayward/less brainy children than full time mothers. It's not true even though it's the generally accepted theory. I remember reading a scientific study somewhere(I'll pull it out sometime) that as against public opinion, children who have career parents (especially career mothers) actually perform better in their academics than those with non career mothers. And one of the reasons is, career women hold their children to a higher degree of accountability than SAHMs. It's like a transfer of formal standards to the home front.

Generally, i think, to a large extent, its all about individuality. You could be a full time mom and watch telemundo or be on nairaland thruout while the one who goes to work though spends less time at home but still manages to spend more quality time with the kids.

Congrats on your kid's result...I'm glad and relived the young man took after his mother's brains

Timbuktou:


That your punch wey be like feathers running on the skin? I'm not bothered..

Kimoni:
There is problem o TV, it's going to create inefficiencies in the system. We could as well maintain status quo if after all the previledges, we are all still going to end up as daycare givers

What you term inefficiency, I may well see as meaningful sacrifice, or opportunity cost, for the betterment of the whole. And be clear, both sides have to make these accommodations. Timbuktou has expatiated on some of this so succinctly, that I'm hopefully grabbing a back seat and large salted popcorn after this post.

If large enough numbers of people push for outlier status, they will no longer be outliers will they . And when I say the "norm", I essentially mean the coming together of men and women to build healthy families - with that being their priority.

Take the example of the female elite marine I gave (is elite marine a tautology ). Do you know women operating at that level often experience degrees of physical trauma that leave seriously debilitated, even infertile?

Ignoring that, what are her chances of successfully finding a "suitable" man? As even the hardest men generally prefer feminine women, and women still want men they consider "higher status". Not to mention that pursuit of that career will probably "shorten her window", due to the involvement and commitment required.

Now take the above as a metaphor for all the various pursuits (by outliers), that could potentially hinder the "essentiality of the male/female" dynamic as explained above. Then repeat this from a single family unit to a community or national level. Then if you will add in the "extreme" I mentioned earlier, of people being allowed to "construct" their own reality. Now, what did you come up with .

Yes, the West . Al the major western nations are experiencing plummeting fertility rates amongst their indigenous populations. Those that are experiencing population growth are doing so due to immigration.

If they could repopulate with like for look-alike i.e. UK taking in Aussies or Kiwis, Germany taking in Italians etc., it would be fine, as they are ethnically, culturally and for the most part religiously similar. Indeed, a european family can rock up here one generation and be part of the establishment by the next. But as they are all in essentially the same situation, they have to look further abroad, literally.

The problem Europe has now is that for the most part, the immigrant stock are not ethnically, culturally or religiously similar. We now have a flash-point between those that are post-faith and those that are fundamentally so. Those that give little thought to the pivotal notion of family, lineage, cultural heritage and faith traditions, and those who jealously guard theirs.

This would never have become an issue if indigenous Europeans simply bred in large enough numbers. Which they would if they held on to the traditional notions of what it meant to be male and female, family and faith. The Jihadi threat, has always been there. What has allowed it to have it's head is the familial failings of Europe. It is actually a symptom of the malaise in the West, not a cause.

TBH, I actually believe losing faith is the predicate for losing all the other things. Without faith or deeply embedded faith notions driving things, there are no absolutes (especially not moral ones) and then everything can be "deconstructed" can't it, everyone is an outlier aren't they?


TV

Kimoni:


have you recovered from my killer punch? or you need more time?

I still dey for ICU.

I think it's a fallacy to think that career women produce more wayward/less brainy children than full time mothers. It's not true even though it's the generally accepted theory. I remember reading a scientific study somewhere(I'll pull it out sometime) that as against public opinion, children who have career parents (especially career mothers) actually perform better in their academics than those with non career mothers. And one of the reasons is, career women hold their children to a higher degree of accountability than SAHMs. It's like a transfer of formal standards to the home front.

You see typical Nigerian? I specifically said the parents gotta be hands-on na. Of course, a SAHM who lets telemundo interfere with her motherly duties isn't better than a mother who has to work, I'd say she's worse even. And per career women, if the career affords you time to give quality time to your kids, by all pursue. Even if it doesn't but you need the money, I can't, in good faith ask such a woman to leave work for kids. We've got to be pragmatic. However, that research about the career woman/SAHM child difference seems a bit bias towards woeking mothers. Just because someone isn't doing something right doesn't make it of low quality.

Generally, i think, to a large extent, its all about individuality. You could be a full time mom and watch telemundo or be on nairaland thruout while the one who goes to work though spends less time at home but still manages to spend more quality time with the kids.

Exactly. Except that some models are better than others.

Congrats on your kid's result...I'm glad and relived the young man took after his mother's brains

Baba e lo fi jo(na him papa he take am resemble). Truth is by the time I got in senior secondary I began to understand my potential. When I got into uni, dia fada. I wan kill dem. . Yeah, his mum is solid too. Reetards repulse me.

Timbuktou:
I was at my son's graduation ceremony yesterday(he graduated to Basic 1 ) and he was, by far, the best pupil in his class. I was a proud father, I just dey stand l'emewa(continually) dey snap like say I be pro photographer. . He's a very intelligent boy

Congratulations and very well done...but you don't think you can just rinse and go like that se? Please present gallery of your efforts here .


TV

^{...and please, no ex-in-laws, neighbors, strangers you sat next to on the train, random strangers or shutterstock images .}

TV01:

Congratulations and very well done...but you don't think you can just rinse and go like that se? Please present gallery of your efforts here .


TV

^{...and please, no ex-in-laws, neighbors, strangers you sat next to on the train, random strangers or shutterstock images .}

Hehehe. I go soon upload am.

Timbuktou:
Kimoni:

Swedish women are that way because that's how safe women behave. By safe, I mean, provided for, protected and a guarantee of a future for their offspring.

Also, I see you're taking the piss with your fantasising. Wetin you wan use outliers do? . I'm a little sleepy now, so I'll just leave you with my response on the concept of work to some comment on another thread.

[b]Well, it also hinders and slows men's careers too, though, it could be a catalyst for career advancement as he'll work harder. Furthermore, the difference between husbands and wives in the work force is needs versus wants. Most men because they need to, most women work because they want to. Yes, there are women who work out of need but only because their husbands cannot afford them a decent lifestyle or that lifestyle they desire.

If a woman works not because of need but desire, it would make sense to take a less-demanding job. It is the height of vanity for a woman to work a job that deprives her quality home time just because she "went to school". Did you go to school to slave at a job brainlessly or to increase your opportunity for better living?
There's a reason why married men are the most dependable employees. Most men work jobs they hate because the alternative is a drop in living standards and even hunger.

That women have to sacrifice their dreams to run their homes is not oppression, or discrimination or man's-worldism. It is common sense and pragmatism. The dreams of billions of men died the day they had families. It cuts both ways. Unless a man is unhappy in his home and marriage, I doubt he would choose having a job that takes him away from home and one that affords him quality time with family.

The difference in how men handle their roles in life and how women handle theirs is acceptance of fate. We have resigned ourselves to our provisioning role. That is what we do. You, women need to accept yours. As my posts on Page1 illustrate, women in Sweden do the barest minimum when the basics are covered. Na so life be.[/b]


https://www.nairaland.com/3222060/women-arent-getting-promotion-because/2#47544566

Damn. This is epic

Kimoni:
There is problem o TV, it's going to create inefficiencies in the system.

Ineficiencies, tension and conflict. See an example. The point in this post is not the construct that the indivdual desires,but the opportuity cost for others who are in dir eneed of medical services in a "cash-strapped" healthcare system.

The story at the end. A 17 year old wants to transition from female to male, and have her eggs stored, so her "girlfriend" can be a surrogate mother at some point.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-3716301/March-Male-Mums-Women-having-sex-changes-NHS-receiving-free-IVF-three-men-born-female-brink-having-babies.html


TV

^{Timbuktou, abeg, you neva finish work 0.}

TV01,Kimoni, et al; I'm on vacay make una no vex. Young Tim says hi

Timbuktou:
TV01,Kimoni, et al; I'm on vacay make una no vex. Young Tim says hi

Now that's what I'm talking about. Enjoy your vacation o jare and tell Young Tim that uncle TV sends his warm regards - wardrobe sorted. At how old!


TV

TV01:
Ineficiencies, tension and conflict. See an example. The point in this post is not the construct that the indivdual desires,but the opportuity cost for others who are in dir eneed of medical services in a "cash-strapped" healthcare system.

The story at the end. A 17 year old wants to transition from female to male, and have her eggs stored, so her "girlfriend" can be a surrogate mother at some point.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-3716301/March-Male-Mums-Women-having-sex-changes-NHS-receiving-free-IVF-three-men-born-female-brink-having-babies.html

TV

^{Timbuktou, abeg, you neva finish work 0.}

TV, you probably misunderstood the inefficiencies I'm talking about but I'll explain later.

Tim, today must be a good day. Our lil man has got his swags on...congrats to him once again.

TV01:

Now that's what I'm talking about. Enjoy your vacation o jare and tell Young Tim that uncle TV sends his warm regards - wardrobe sorted. At how old!


TV

Will do. He'll be six in two months, and his swag is on point.

Thanks, Kimoni.

Good discussion all

Surprisingly kimoni is still on this her crusade

Carry go ooooo

pickabeau1:
Good discussion all

Surprisingly kimoni is still on this her crusade

Carry go ooooo

...holá Pick, how fa? Where haff you bin .


TV

TV01:

...holá Pick, how fa? Where haff you bin .


TV

Bro

I've been around o

Had some stuff I had to settle offline

How's the family

Interesting contribution from Tval tim and the other men on this thread.

https://www.nairaland.com/3295175/why-most-wives-deny-husbands

Thursday, send your wife a message right now, ask her what she's doing, if there's light etc. Come home earlier than usual and play with the kids. Buy cake for your wife and everybody eat. When I say play, I mean PLAY. Dance like an egun masquerade. During this play, you guys should make a paper ball, recreate the NIG-GER match of yesterday (pls be Germany angry) and stylishly throw it at Mum. Let her pass it back, infact,rush her if she holds the ball long. Feel free to smack her bum during the play, no red card given. Don't ask for sex.

Tomorrow, come home and watch whatever she wants to watch, discuss it with her animatedly. What hairdo is she wearing? Bet you don't know offhand smiley tell her to bring her nailpolish, you want to practise painting because the economy has crashed and manipedis ain't cheap. Ask her what's going with life. Just listen. Gist freely.

Saturday, you and her go to the mall. Go watch a movie together (no kids allowed). In the car home, hold her hand. When you get home, don't sit in your usual seat (the one you use as your personal space), sit with her. Tell her "I've missed us having fun, I've missed you". See how the evening goes

Imagine having to go on a 3 day project to convince your wife to have sex with you? Its just sex, in most times last less than 30mins to an hour. So the husband would after a long days work, be thinking of dancing for his wife, buying her gifts doing manipeds, etc just to have sex?

Sex thats so spontaneous that you would feel like now and in another 2hrs you dont even feel like again is now what you go on a week planning for

I have a friend going through the same. and they have even forgotten about having sex, since its always a war everytime its suggested and he has started helping himself elsewhere

He also tried the taking to vacation, discussion even bought a book "sheet music" for the wife, gone to counsellor none works. He said they now live like roommates and just share bills. Everytime he complains to me that he is trying to get a divorce he has served her divorce papers in the past but withdrew it. They have a child.

Their dating was a little long distance because the wife was in school out of state before they married and when she was around the sexx was better.

I feel a little guilty in his situation because I was one of the people who supported him to marry the girl because she wasnt a very flashy girl, she took her career seriously

kimoni, mindfulness

pickabeau1:


Bro

I've been around o

Had some stuff I had to settle offline

How's the family

...we are all well thanks. Hope likewise.

raumdeuter:
Interesting contribution from Tval tim and the other men on this thread.
https://www.nairaland.com/3295175/why-most-wives-deny-husbands
Imagine having to go on a 3 day project to convince your wife to have sex with you?

My 2 posts on that thread - and the link - pretty much sum it up for me. By all means make an effort. Be attuned to the needs and desires of your wife, use romance to bond. It's an "all term" investment a smart guy will make.

Long/short, you've got to get it right going in. Anything else is too risky, especially in the West. We've expended a lot of time and energy on this here.

Once in it, do not pander or jump through hoops to get what's rightfully yours. Don't force or beg for intimacy. Especially if you are a dutiful husband. Like she is not obligated to please you?or make the same investment.

If you pander and are lucky, you may receive rations. Unwittingly you may create a "princess" with a monster entitlement mentality. She may also use it to assert control in the relationship and make escalating demands all round. And worse of all, women lose respect, and hence attraction, for men they can dominate, it's supposed to be the other way round. You can't lead by pandering, only serve.

I never advice extra-marital solutions or divorce, so the only thing I can suggest here is for him to re-establish his status/dominance. I see you feel one kind, but we men have to bear responsibility for our choices, informed or not, hard, but that is a mans lot.


TV

TV01:

...we are all well thanks. Hope likewise.


My 2 posts on that thread - and the link - pretty much sum it up for me. By all means make an effort. Be attuned to the needs and desires of your wife, use romance to bond. It's an "all term" investment a smart guy will make.

Long/short, you've got to get it right going in. Anything else is too risky, especially in the West. We've expended a lot of time and energy on this here.

Once in it, do not pander or jump through hoops to get what's rightfully yours. Don't force or beg for intimacy. Especially if you are a dutiful husband. Like she is not obligated to please you?or make the same investment.

If you pander and are lucky, you may receive rations. Unwittingly you may create a "princess" with a monster entitlement mentality. She may also use it to assert control in the relationship and make escalating demands all round. And worse of all, women lose respect, and hence attraction, for men they can dominate, it's supposed to be the other way round. You can't lead by pandering, only serve.

I never advice extra-marital solutions or divorce, so the only thing I can suggest here is for him to re-establish his status/dominance. I see you feel one kind, but we men have to bear responsibility for our choices, informed or not, hard, but that is a mans lot.


TV

Having the same issue with my wife. Love her and all but the sex is waaaay below par. Strangely enough, she was an Olympian in bed pre-marriage. I talked and talked, raged and pleaded, did all the house chores I could lay my hands on, dialed up the romance settings and talked some more. All with little improvement. I eventually started looking outside but my conscience tends to get in the way. I finally resolved within myself that she was telling the truth when she said one day that after our first kid the urge in her withered. I decided to ignore her and see how long she could go. It wasnt easy .I've studied her and have tabulated her sexual needs at once in six weeks, as in , after six weeks she starts throwing me subtle hints and green light. As for me, I'm a tri-weekly fellow, and I think that's not too much.

I worry sometimes if this is how we r going to be until....whenever. But I guess everyone has their issues and no marriage is perfect.

I think the ladies on here hate to admit it, but they just don't have the same sexual libido as us guys. Inasmuch as they crave romance which I don't think its a bad thing in itself, it behoves them to realize that we men are wired different and are highly tempted to go outside if we can't find our sexual satisfaction indoors.

For any lady reading this. Its good to make love. It's good to give and receive romance. But for goodness sake once in a while help your husband and just have sex with him, whether u are romantically inclined to do so or not. Take it as your sacrifice and know it benefits both of you on the long run. Don't be selfish with your bodies. Help us out. We men hate rejection too and being rejected over and over and over again, well, there's just so much any man, trustworthy or not, can take.

Thanks.

RiloKiley:


Having the same issue with my wife. Love her and all but the sex is waaaay below par. Strangely enough, she was an Olympian in bed pre-marriage. I talked and talked, raged and pleaded, did all the house chores I could lay my hands on, dialed up the romance settings and talked some more. All with little improvement. I eventually started looking outside but my conscience tends to get in the way. I finally resolved within myself that she was telling the truth when she said one day that after our first kid the urge in her withered. I decided to ignore her and see how long she could go. It wasnt easy .I've studied her and have tabulated her sexual needs at once in six weeks, as in , after six weeks she starts throwing me subtle hints and green light. As for me, I'm a tri-weekly fellow, and I think that's not too much.

I worry sometimes if this is how we r going to be until....whenever. But I guess everyone has their issues and no marriage is perfect.

I think the ladies on here hate to admit it, but they just don't have the same sexual libido as us guys. Inasmuch as they crave romance which I don't think its a bad thing in itself, it behoves them to realize that we men are wired different and are highly tempted to go outside if we can't find our sexual satisfaction indoors.

For any lady reading this. Its good to make love. It's good to give and receive romance. But for goodness sake once in a while help your husband and just have sex with him, whether u are romantically inclined to do so or not. Take it as your sacrifice and know it benefits both of you on the long run. Don't be selfish with your bodies. Help us out. We men hate rejection too and being rejected over and over and over again, well, there's just so much any man, trustworthy or not, can take.

Thanks.

This thread is alive again
probably one of the few threads left where adult discussions are tabled maturely.

Rilokey, thanks for providing a honest and a deep insight into this

I guess the bottom line is that generally speaking the female libido isnt as high as the mans and my thoughts are that this can be due to hormonal differences which is biological and these differences are affected by other external issues such as tiredness, stress, the state of the relationship, romance or lack of it, being a mum etc

I would love to hear from men who weren't romantic before but did change and started to do everything their wives wanted. I will like to ask them if there were any changes in the bedroom

Something that does sometimes affect women but is not commonly mentioned is the upbringing and the way sex and pregnancy was used to scare teenage girls.
In a way men have a hand in this as men tend to shame women who they feel are "loose" which makes women lie and cover up their real sexual needs and desires for fear of reprisal.
Ive read numerous stories over the years where some men say they have been lied to by their girlfriends on the number of sexual partners that she has had
TV calls it bodycount LOL
Still reminds me of something out of CSI

Anyway, so while men are patted on the back for their escapades, women are shamed and they then decide to not be themselves when they are in the bedroom which is a shame really
This is more of an African thing.
There is a girl I know who is getting married in a few weeks. All I hear is people in hushed tones saying she is pregnant hence the rush. No one is shaming the man for getting her pregnant. Thats the reality.

This past week has been stories of girls being beaten an humiliated for having boyfriends/sex. Only the girls are being beaten. The boys nko? These girls will get married and probably hate intimacy because they will remember what happened to them.

If its any consolation, it does get better. With Kids grown up, more time for each other, relationship more stable, companionship is more appreciated, careers more stable, finances better, couple under less stress and you begin to mirror each other and you almost morph into each other. Thats the point in which people say you look alike.
You are not making love on Sunday evening and then suddenly remember that you cant find juniors plimsols for PE the next day.

I am not a man, but from what ive heard and read, I do understand that its hard for the man if he is constantly having to beg his wife for sex
Id be miffed too if I had to beg my husband to do something for me time and time again.
however having an affair is not the answer.
You see when you do that, it breaks the already sprained bond between you
The last thing you want is a cold and detached woman in your home
The yes sir yes sir 3 bags full sir
She will deeply resent you and deep in her, have no respect for you.
Its like living with a room mate. Whats the point of marriage then?
for the 5 minute enjoyment I dont think its worth "killing" the relationship
As Rilokiley said, if only both can meet in the middle somewhere.

RiloKiley:


Having the same issue with my wife. Love her and all but the sex is waaaay below par. Strangely enough, she was an Olympian in bed pre-marriage. I talked and talked, raged and pleaded, did all the house chores I could lay my hands on, dialed up the romance settings and talked some more. All with little improvement. I eventually started looking outside but my conscience tends to get in the way. I finally resolved within myself that she was telling the truth when she said one day that after our first kid the urge in her withered. I decided to ignore her and see how long she could go. It wasnt easy .I've studied her and have tabulated her sexual needs at once in six weeks, as in , after six weeks she starts throwing me subtle hints and green light. As for me, I'm a tri-weekly fellow, and I think that's not too much.

I worry sometimes if this is how we r going to be until....whenever. But I guess everyone has their issues and no marriage is perfect.

I think the ladies on here hate to admit it, but they just don't have the same sexual libido as us guys. Inasmuch as they crave romance which I don't think its a bad thing in itself, it behoves them to realize that we men are wired different and are highly tempted to go outside if we can't find our sexual satisfaction indoors.

For any lady reading this. Its good to make love. It's good to give and receive romance. But for goodness sake once in a while help your husband and just have sex with him, whether u are romantically inclined to do so or not. Take it as your sacrifice and know it benefits both of you on the long run. Don't be selfish with your bodies. Help us out. We men hate rejection too and being rejected over and over and over again, well, there's just so much any man, trustworthy or not, can take.

Thanks.

This may be of necessity a longish one, I like to cover for those heading for matrimony as well as those already in it. Please bear with me and I hope it helps in some way.

A lot of this has been touched on in this thread already, and although there may be a lot to sift through, I think for many on both sides it will
l prove worthwhile.

I counsel against pre-marital sex, simply because it's the Christian thing to do. But I never met a Christian doctrine that didn't have sound practical application. PMS can so easily deceive and mislead.

Deceive because it gives you a snapshot at that point in time, and under conditions that will almost certainly not hold for very long into the union - if you eventually get married.

Mislead, because it is likely to cloud judgement and the binding nature of sex can make it hard not to make the assumption and cloud ones thinking/action on certain things, even glaring red flags.

Men and women are different. Whilst there can be lots of overlap and they are both multi-functional, they have different perceptions, responses and underlying motivations for a lot of things.

When a woman is looking to seal the deal, when she is fighting off competition, when there is something she wants sex - however much swathed in romance and sweet nothings - is a go to tool, and usually "makes sense".

For men, sex is basically a response to stimuli and a very basic lust, hence it doesn't have to come with any wrapping, and explains why for men without control or restraint, multiple partners is not an issue and affairs are relatively easier.

I'm not saying women can't want it for wanting it's sake,or it can't be purely for stress relief, or that they can't be predatory, I'm stressing where there can be major sex-based differences. The typical fault lines.

The sex-drive hormone is testosterone, and men simply have many times more. It's needed for aggression, dominance etc (why men need to be more assertive in relationships, as women are attracted to it, and not vice-versa, or reversed). Oxytocin is more about comfort and security, and much more of a factor for women.

It's a very common trajectory in marriage; frenzied sex before and soon after, first child comes, bodily changes, esteem issues, new stressors, libido flags. The key is to have 1. reasonable expectations, 2. expect and deal with it.

But most of all and 3, is getting it right going in. You want a woman you will and is worthy of bearing with to a degree, as often 1 & 2, do not mean you will necessarily be getting the sex you want or even feel you deserve. As I said in the initial thread - linked from innovestors thread - on this, you'll rarely have a perfect match, and in a marriage which is long-term, there can be a lot of flux and change.

You need someone your commitment to - and hopefully vice-versa - is so strong, dealing with variation - as varied as draught & famine - will be something you consider worthwhile for the long-term benefit of your union. Someone who making sacrifices for won't be too hard, because you truly care for, and want to please each other.

Not saying it will be so, or so all the time, but just to get your head right going in, and so that when/if this does come upon you, you don't wilt, or do so to a degree that jeopardises your union, or start thinking you married the wrong wife.

...tbc


TV

https://www.nairaland.com/3150116/husband-selfish

Just saw this
Coach TV, dayo, Rilokley........

tearoses:
https://www.nairaland.com/3150116/husband-selfish

Just saw this
Coach TV, dayo, Rilokley........

...Holá CC...had a quick look at the OP...limited time tonight, and I haven't actually finished on this thread. So first, how are you? Hope it's all ranka dede . Secondly, she just has to say and explain, a man who cares and is committed as noted in point 3 above will give ear to his wife. If he doesn't her problem is fundamentally deeper than a sexually unaware man, and she will have to fix this underlying problem first. Indeed, the sexual issue may resolve itself ass a consequence. ALthough to me, a problem with 3., foundation, is always more worrying.


TV

TV01:

...Holá CC...had a quick look at the OP...limited time tonight, and I haven't actually finished on this thread. So first, how are you? Hope it's all ranka dede . Secondly, she just has to say and explain, a man who cares and is committed as noted in point 3 above will give ear to his wife. If he doesn't her problem is fundamentally deeper than a sexually unaware man, and she will have to fix this underlying problem first. Indeed, the sexual issue may resolve itself ass a consequence. ALthough to me, a problem with 3., foundation, is always more worrying.


TV

We dey o!
Just got back from Naija so all no ranka dede anything
Eating pounded yam for breakfast is not a good thing
Back on track though

To be honest I just tire
One would think that the first response to anything in marriage is service and making your spouse happy
But it seems to be me me me these days. its really sad
It almost seems as if people now go in expecting the worse and if it does work out then its a bonus

raumdeuter:
Interesting contribution from Tval tim and the other men on this thread.

https://www.nairaland.com/3295175/why-most-wives-deny-husbands

Imagine having to go on a 3 day project to convince your wife to have sex with you? Its just sex, in most times last less than 30mins to an hour. So the husband would after a long days work, be thinking of dancing for his wife, buying her gifts doing manipeds, etc just to have sex?

Sex thats so spontaneous that you would feel like now and in another 2hrs you dont even feel like again is now what you go on a week planning for

I am not sure but I don't think that anyone suggested doing all this each time the husband wants s.ex. I think that the idea behind it was to bring romance back to the relationship on the assumption that many men tend to neglect this aspect.

I have a friend going through the same. and they have even forgotten about having sex, since its always a war everytime its suggested and he has started helping himself elsewhere

He also tried the taking to vacation, discussion even bought a book "sheet music" for the wife, gone to counsellor none works. He said they now live like roommates and just share bills. Everytime he complains to me that he is trying to get a divorce he has served her divorce papers in the past but withdrew it. They have a child.

Their dating was a little long distance because the wife was in school out of state before they married and when she was around the sexx was better.

It's a difficult situation and everyone in this situation would give his best to resolve the issue but like I said on the other thread, very few people run medical check-ups even though physiological factors / changes are often the cause of a decreased se.xual drive, even for women in their 20s.

I feel a little guilty in his situation because I was one of the people who supported him to marry the girl because she wasnt a very flashy girl, she took her career seriously

mindfulness

Don't feel guilty, it won't help him and you had good intentions.

#Observing. Jotting notes

Mindfulness:


I am not sure but I don't think that anyone suggested doing all this each time the husband wants s.ex. I think that the idea behind it was to bring romance back to the relationship on the assumption that many men tend to neglect this aspect.



It's a difficult situation and everyone in this situation would give his best to resolve the issue but like I said on the other thread, very few people run medical check-ups even though physiological factors / changes are often the cause of a decreased se.xual drive, even for women in their 20s.




Don't feel guilty, it won't help him and you had good intentions.

The solution is simple: ask him to flex his butt cheeks at her.

On a more serious note, it's a complex issue as personalities and attitudes to sex come to play here in addition to the factors you mentioned.

shaybebaby:

The solution is simple: ask him to flex his butt cheeks at her.

Do it only if you don't look like an anorexic chicken.

On a more serious note, it's a complex issue as personalities and attitudes to sex come to play here in addition to the factors you mentioned.

Very true. It's quite normal for women to feel Hot during the phase of their menstrual cycle when they are fertile and it's pretty normal for them to lose some appetite after childbirth. If it is a permanent issue, the reasons can be plenty. However, very few Nigerians consult a gynecologist even though modern medicine can fix this problem easily - provided the cause is a physiological change.