I met my husband on the rebound after I broke off my engagement with an ex as a result of infidelity. I moved abroad at a young age with my family, and met my husband who had come here to study a master's. After dating for 6 months he went to Naija for a holiday for 3 weeks to see his family. Unbeknown to me during this holiday he engaged a girl that he had been dating for a short while and the introduction was done. He came back and life continued like nothing happened he did not tell me about his engagement or the existance of this girl. I fell in love with him because he was there for me after i suffered heartbreak and was a gentleman at the time. Our intimacy life was very mediocre made worse by small size but at the time I overlooked this because he treated me so well. After 1 year of dating a discovered i was pregnant - failed contraception and thats when the ugly truth came out. He told me he was going ahead with his planned marriage and told him to go ahead and iresolved to being a single parent, after a month he begged for my forgiveness and told me he was in love with me and broke things off with his fiance at home. I took him back though I was not in love witj him and felt betrayed and decieved by his actions I thought about my unborn child growing up without a father. PRESENT DAY - we fight all the time, I dont trust him and i have even started to resent him. The fighting has reached uncontrollable heights and as a result have decided to seperate for the sake of the two kids we now have. I am unsure whether to divorce him or try and make things work. We have not had sex in almost a year i feel nothing for him and instead find sex a painful experience. It is affecting me so much that I can not sleep well at night. I need some advice. Do i stay in a loveless marriage or just concentrate on raising my kids? Tx for reading.

if you stayed with him initially because of the unborn child, why not use the same logic to still make things work or you want your kids to grow up without the love of their father? Think twice sister. How can the same sex that was mediocre due to small size now suddenly become painful? Sister, hold on tight. Hold him close to you, never let him go.

It is easier sad than done. I realise now that i stayed for the wrong reasons. The sex is painful because i feelviolated when we have sex, I am so dry and feel as though I am sleeping with a complete stranger. The fighting is causing my children distress and I am so unhappy that I have developed insomnia and loss of appetite. Must i die because i made a mistake? How long will a loveless and sexless marriage last realistically? I am also worried about the psychological impact of the constant fightinv on my children.

Instead of trying to break out of the marriage/family.
Why don't you try to make things work? Pull things together?
This can be possible if you told us what's causes the fights between you and your husband and how it all started.

It started when we stopped having sex. I don't feel anything during sex and I don't reach climax eventually my body just turned off. I am cannot brinv myself to kiss him either. Secondly he needed a visa to stay here so as a citizen our marriage meant he could get an spouse visa. My problem is that I am not sure him choosing me was love either or that he just wanted to stay here. Going to do the extent of introduction makes it very diffucult to trust him too. Though his family accepted me in the end, I feel that our marriage is not blessed because of the heartache he caused his fiancee by dumping her after they had set a date for their traditional wedding. I did walk away initially so he is the one who begged but i feel guilty at the way he treated his former lady. Its hard for me to trust him, and the fact that i am NOT Nigerian makes it even harder in this situation because i question his motives.

My lady, no one should force or compel u to stay in a relationship that isn't working. Carrying on wit a psychological trauma as dis could turn u into a monster later on. If u need a break, take one. Love isn't a thing of force, it's of choice so use ur head.

You may also be the problem with the reasons you have given.

@olas24u how so please elaborate?

Karma just struck.
You both should talk this over cos one part can not make it work.

The easiest and most natural reaction will be to give up, back out of the relationship and start all over elsewhere again. However, you're not guaranteed a better relationship elsewhere and it still another 'trial and error' out there.
You may do well to accept that the almighty 'LOVE' happens for some reason(s). Even 'MARRIAGE' survive for reasons other than love. Focus on those reasons and give the best you can to 'YOUR KIDS'. We hope things turn out better for you.
In spite of all said, he who pays the piper dictates the tune. It's you wearing the shoe, you know where it hurts. Every ball is in your court.

I think you are not also using logic to solve the issues,its not green on the other side if you quit with 2 kids .How come you now complain he his small after 2kids?And you must have been telling him to his face about the immigration stuffs.I may be wrong but i think you maybe aggressive to him.

Dear Op...from your story,I think your problem is more psychological than physical..you never really forgave him, neither did you forget his earlier betrayal..and somehow,I believe it took its toll on you..you don't trust him anymore,you don't love him anymore,you don't bond with him through sex anymore,no couple alone chatting time as well.
No marriage can survive without trust, care and love at least. I believe your situation has a solution. Work things out with him, see a therapist or a marriage councillor instead.
Or are there things he does you can't cope with?..does he cheat on you? Does he nag a lot? Does he maltreat you? Does he disrespect you? Does he shy away from his responsibilities?...cos at the end, you might even be your own problem.

While I am not trying to justify your hubby's action, I do think its time for you to give him a chance, because clearly this loveless marriage is giving you cause for concern not only for you but for your kids too. Your actions are been informed from the fact that you feel betrayed and trust has gone with the winds which is quite understandable given the betrayal your hubby did. However, if at a point you went ahead to marry him because you do not want your kids to grow up fatherless which to me is a good one. You also said that at a point in your life he was caring and was there for you when you had heartbreaking crisis. That is to say that he's not all that a bad person. Deceitful yes, traitor yes but there might still be some good things which you saw in him at the initial stage. There's every tendency that a bad person can turn out for good. You can make your marriage work if you want to because clearly the loveless marriage you talking about is as a result of your lack of trust for him and the bitterness you are feeling for having been betrayed. But if you stayed long enough in the marriage to have a second child, then you can also stay long enough to make things work. I know that he who wears the shoes knows where it pinches most, however just like someone said you never can tell how your next relationship would turn out so why not make this work....most especially if your hubby is remorseful of his previous actions.

@ola24u i am not an agressive person at all. I am quite even tempered most of the time. As for the immigration issue you could not be further from the truth. I have already assured him that should things go pear shaped we will remain legally married till he gets his permanent residence. I am doing it for my kids one, two being an African immigrant myself though brought up here I understand that staying abroad has its advantages for him so I can never take that away from him. Most importantly i need him close so he can have a relationship with our kids especially my son who, I would like to be raised as a proud African and Igbo man knowing his language culture and roots.

When you mention the other side being green you are assuming that I am leaving him for another man? Well to answer that no if we do end up divorcing then a 2nd marriage is not something i will be interested in. Perhaps a companion but don't intend bringing another man into my kids lives perhaps later on in life.

Bobo you are right, it is psychological i have forgiven him and currently in counselling Pastoral and professional but as i progress with it I have come to realise that I simply do not love him. And it will be very difficult to make my body available to him. As far a being friends and co parents i am ready for that. But he insists on working things out but i think this desire is driven more by shame than anything else as he says he can see i no longer love him. He is not abusive nor does he nag disrespect or maltreat me. For the past 2 years i have been hoping love will grow but sha its hasn't. He is a great man and friend but not a lover.

*sighs*

forgotusername: @ola24u i am not an agressive person at all. I am quite even tempered most of the time. As for the immigration issue you could not be further from the truth. I have already assured him that should things go pear shaped we will remain legally married till he gets his permanent residence. I am doing it for my kids one, two being an African immigrant myself though brought up here I understand that staying abroad has its advantages for him so I can never take that away from him. Most importantly i need him close so he can have a relationship with our kids especially my son who, I would like to be raised as a proud African and Igbo man knowing his language culture and roots.

When you mention the other side being green you are assuming that I am leaving him for another man? Well to answer that no if we do end up divorcing then a 2nd marriage is not something i will be interested in. Perhaps a companion but don't intend bringing another man into my kids lives perhaps later on in life.

Bobo you are right, it is psychological i have forgiven him and currently in counselling Pastoral and professional but as i progress with it I have come to realise that I simply do not love him. And it will be very difficult to make my body available to him. As far a being friends and co parents i am ready for that. But he insists on working things out but i think this desire is driven more by shame than anything else as he says he can see i no longer love him. He is not abusive nor does he nag disrespect or maltreat me. For the past 2 years i have been hoping love will grow but sha its hasn't. He is a great man and friend but not a lover.

then you are the problem, just give it a trial again

Whether you realize it or not, you have emasculated him. He knows you don’t trust him. He realizes you have no respect for him. Even if he has done things to make you distrust him, they are in the past. This man has allowed you to walk all over him, for the sake of his children, and I’m sure for you. You say his desire to reconcile is because of shame. This could very well be true, but it is you who have shamed him. He is a proud African man. He knows that you do not respect, honor or love him. He is beaten down, and defeated. You expect him to be able to please you in bed, when he feels this from you?

This comes down to one thing, you cannot feel attracted to him because you don’t trust him, or respect him anymore. If you can let go of the past, you can regain what you once had. If not: you, your husband, and your children will be miserable. This will be true if you stay together, or not, unless you let go. Whether you realize it or not your children can feel this too. Do you think your son will respect his father if he knows that you do not? Your husband knows this too. Do you need to wonder why he would feel shame? You won’t allow him to feel anything else. He is defeated at your hands.

Some women here will be angry when I say this, but here goes. This is all on you. Yes he was the one who initially created the mistrust. You may not realize you’ve done it, but you took that mistrust and turned it into a weapon against him. It is something he can never get past, and he knows it. You won’t forgive him, and you won’t allow him to forget it. You took him back. Part of that deal should have been letting it all go and starting over. Instead you have allowed it to fester and grow into the monster it has become. Release him from this burden. Relieve yourself of the mistrust you have allowed to turn to spite. Until you do, you will never be happy, with or without him.

Your conception of marriage is wrong, as is 90% of people out there. Marriage is not a casual affair that should be terminated because you are too lazy to work things out. If the foundation is wrong, why delve into it in the first place?

I would never date somebody "just because",talk more MARRIAGE.

We need to stop considering divorce an option and the only way to do that is to marry ONLY somebody that you are willing to live with and can't live without FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE. Of course, the feeling must be mutual.

Sorry girl, you sound like a good woman, but y'all got it wrong this time.

Damn.. Small size got you pregnant still?? Just wondering...

Dear Op..i can't really claim to understand what you are going through right now...bt i can assure that I have a clue.
You went into this marriage without the best of reasons per se. But nw is not the time to apportion blame.
Logically, you can't build something upon a shaky foundation and expect it to last a life time; but this is real life, many people dare to take the risk( of marrying for various reasons besides love, true happiness and fulfilment),some still make it work despite the odds..some don't .
here is my advise to you, nothing lasts forever,love dies too(oyes, even the true ones). EVERY marriage/relationship has its problems no matter how perfect. This is a though challenge right now for you,and I won't advise you to file for divorce (for its has its own rigours too), you need some time apart to sort yourself out, think your life through, and decide what's best for you and your kids...but in whatever you do. just know divorce is not a solution but an option. nice day

After 7 months of trying to make things work and put the past behinds i have caught my dearest hubby cheating and he even tried to lie about it! I took all the advice on board let go of my anger and was trully working on building trust........ then gbam turns out he couldn't keep it in his pants either

I am expected to forgive him AGAIN for the same LIE DECEIT etc..... or just call it a day

forgotusername: After 7 months of trying to make things work and put the past behinds i have caught my dearest hubby cheating and he even tried to lie about it! I took all the advice on board let go of my anger and was trully working on building trust........ then gbam turns out he couldn't keep it in his pants either

I am expected to forgive him AGAIN for the same LIE DECEIT etc..... or just call it a day

marriage is a scam move on

ii no know say naija babes got more understanding on married issues ooo....see as their write ups mke sense...good job guys..as for me,pls madame kindly call me on 08094797495,

How easy to share blames for a relationship that's not working. OP, I understand ur plight; I'm there. A marriage never works in the hands of just one spouse; the two has to be committed to making it work, else it will be a progressively piling burden for the one who wants/hopes it works..until he/she either collapses under the burden or finds his/her way out. In other words, if one spouse isn't putting in an effort to make the marriage work, it will eventually crash. It's a matter of time.

I also feel how sex can be a torture when the love is gone. However, since children are involved, U now have a shared responsibility for the wellbeing of the children. Inasmuch as there are no life threatening tendencies, you may choose to stay for the sake of the kids.

The pressures can benumb one's reason & peace. I've sometimes found I $exual pleasures outside the marriage a panacea while I keep being responsible in other aspects at home. It kinda helps me keep my balance, though not the best.

The choice is yours anyways.

I like attacking problems from their sources. Do you know where your problem started ?

You broke up with your fiancee because of infidelity

This is a lesson to other ladies. It is not everything your partner does that you have to capitalize on and teach him a lesson. Most times it is safer to act the fool and keep your head. It would have been in your best interest to forgive your fiancee and move ahead with your marriage to a man who you have dated for like 3 years than to jump into another man's hands to repay him for cheating..

Many ladies do not understand that for you to accept a partner also means you have accepted all his failures, stu.pid.ity, his good, his best and his worst. Other ladies should learn from you. I can't break up with a person I love just for one case of infidelity, unless it has become habitual. That is extreme selfishness.

The devil you know very well is better than the angel you don't know

"Fighting everyday", I don't really know what to advice you.

That guy who you dumped might be in a blissful relationship right now where another lady adores him like a Prince since she knows not his past and that lady enjoys the fruits of your own emotional investment in him.

Whenever you want to take a life determining decision, take your time, ask a lot of people both young and old before you jump

Most ladies are hasty in decision taking. They rush before their shadows. After they start crying for years to come. This is a very big life mistake you made. Imagine the advice you are seeking now if you had sought it that time he cheated and you wanted to quit. Maybe you would have been properly guided.

Another big mistake ladies make, jumping into another relationship immediately after dumping a loved partner

This is extreeme wickedness. You don't want to feel the effect of a break up you initiated. You go humping on another man's bed the following night when your guy is busy calling and begging you to forgive.

Whatever a man sows, he/she reaps.

olas24u: You may also be the problem with the reasons you have given.

Thank you.

" I stopped having sex with him because I don't feel it ".

Madam is the cause of her problems..

forgotusername: @ola24u i am not an agressive person at all. I am quite even tempered most of the time. As for the immigration issue you could not be further from the truth. I have already assured him that should things go pear shaped we will remain legally married till he gets his permanent residence. I am doing it for my kids one, two being an African immigrant myself though brought up here I understand that staying abroad has its advantages for him so I can never take that away from him. Most importantly i need him close so he can have a relationship with our kids especially my son who, I would like to be raised as a proud African and Igbo man knowing his language culture and roots.

When you mention the other side being green you are assuming that I am leaving him for another man? Well to answer that no if we do end up divorcing then a 2nd marriage is not something i will be interested in. Perhaps a companion but don't intend bringing another man into my kids lives perhaps later on in life.

Bobo you are right, it is psychological i have forgiven him and currently in counselling Pastoral and professional but as i progress with it I have come to realise that I simply do not love him. And it will be very difficult to make my body available to him. As far a being friends and co parents i am ready for that. But he insists on working things out but i think this desire is driven more by shame than anything else as he says he can see i no longer love him. He is not abusive nor does he nag disrespect or maltreat me. For the past 2 years i have been hoping love will grow but sha its hasn't. He is a great man and friend but not a lover.

If you wrote this then you need to work on yourself.

You also said you haven't given him sex for more than one year and you call him your husband. Hmmm! You get biiiig problem.

forgotusername: After 7 months of trying to make things work and put the past behinds i have caught my dearest hubby cheating and he even tried to lie about it! I took all the advice on board let go of my anger and was trully working on building trust........ then gbam turns out he couldn't keep it in his pants either

I am expected to forgive him AGAIN for the same LIE DECEIT etc..... or just call it a day

What's all this ?

You want him to stay without sex for one year because you dont want to get down ?

The world doesn't revolve like that. Smh..

D truth is dt u r sex starving ur husband!remember he is nt ur bf,,SMH,Y Nt forgive & forget his past?or better still u back off

Have you ever asked yourself how he feels about the whole thing? Or are you just so concerned about yourself, your feelings and how he is not doing what you expected that you do not realise what you are doing to him? You said that he once helped you when you were down but a person reading this your post might think that nothing good can come out him. He betrayed you, yea but that was before you married him. Why did you marry him if you know that you cannot let go of what happened?

You are killing yourself slowly. I know that the initial discovery of betrayal is shocking and painful and can destroy marriage but do you know that some people cannot cope with the guilt and effects of their behavior? Your mans needs you to be a better person. Things will never get better if keep reminding him of his misconduct.

You can still enjoy your marriage but it requires counseling and significant changes in behavior, attitudes etc. If you do not let go of the past then you will never enjoy the present. Forgive him and give him the chance to prove that he is a changed person.

Good luck.