I just entered my first serious relationship months ago. I've always had fantasies of how wonderful a relationship would be like, and I could not understand the why men could not just stick to one lady. Most of my friends that were in relationships told me how lucky I was to be free of women, but I did not believe them.
Anyways, I saw a pretty girl that fit most of my expectations, and I went for her, got her, and now she is head over heels in love with me.
However, I am tired of the relationship, feeling imprisoned, and I want to move on. But I have no tangible reason, the desire for her just died down, and she is noticing and complaining, which is adding to the problem.
Personally, I do not want to be the kind of man that will promise something, then live the girl hanging, we talked about long term plans, and I want to stick to those plans, but the desires are just not there anymore, (besides, Im beginning to find other girls really attractive)
So I need advice from nairalanders,
Is this what I should expect from relationships in general? (if this is the case, then is there any point in moving on?)
Should I try and work on it and try to stimulate those feelings I felt before, will it work?
what should I do?

Your comments (even yabs) are welcome, and I would really like it if people who have experienced this sort situation could give me some advice
(at the moment, I'm trying to see if I can re-animate that initial attraction)

people feel that way most of the time, but the best thing would be to take a break n if you feel like you can do without her, then move on, but if you miss her more than u can imagine then you are prolly both meant to be together, but dont expect her to wait for you to make up ur mind. you both should talk about n try to give each other some space, you dont have to see each other everyday.

thx, ima1, for the reply, at the moment we are not together, we are in different parts of the country, temporarily,
I miss her, but not much, and Im thinking maybe its because I am kinda self absorbed, like a loner, I dont require or desire a lot of social interaction,
However, my main problem is that leaving her would be like going back on my word (I promised her that if the relationship did not work out it would not be because of a lack of effort on my part),
Then I also have the feeling that if I walk away from this, how can I guarantee that I will be able to stick to any lady in the future? that also brings up fears of cheating on my partner, something I am really afraid of, now It seems to me that I am that kind of person, I dont know, Im really confused,

well you gotta examine urself n where you want to be in the future, do you want a family n stuff like that. i think you need something to put ahead of your own self, not sure wat it is though, you gotta figure it out 4 urself.

thats food for thought, I'll chew on that for a while, thx a lot.

. . .thats what happens when u dont love your partner

seriously speaking i didnt read the post to the end but i deduced a lot from it that u have slept with her thats the reason that u are tired of her but from th eonset there was no sign that u were gonna be tired but sincerely speaking u are now making a stage for the ladies to hold unto the platform that guys are sheepskins have what they want and leave pls go and reconcile wit her she cud be the love of ur life

this things happen all the time, genuine reasons could be that

1.  you had built so much expectations before indulging into a relationship and when u eventually entered u had all the expectation met like u said and like a saying goes "when a man needs fruit(vitamins) for the time being he eats and after that he walks out looking for beans(protein)

2. true love never dies, but true lust do

L-looking
U-unbelievably
S-[/b]sweet
[b]T-then later sour

You are a born player jare. Go do your thing and stop acting lost. Dump her, date someone else, then dumpe her again and date someone else that dump her again . . . and the story of your life continues.

Ujujoan:

You are a born player jare. Go do your thing and stop acting lost. Dump her, date someone else, then dumpe her again and date someone else that dump her again . . . and the story of your life continues.

Dont listen to uju, if its not going down with u let her go, explain things to her and take whatever comes with it, but knowing that in the end u will be free to move on without having to look behind u every 3 steps. Believe me, turn the tables round and say u are a girl in this situation, and even uju will advise u to dump his ass like its hot and move on

whitelexi:

don't listen to uju, if its not going down with u let her go, explain things to her and take whatever comes with it, but knowing that in the end u will be free to move on without having to look behind u every 3 steps. Believe me, turn the tables round and say u are a girl in this situation, and even uju will advise u to dump his ass like its hot and move on

No I will not. I always advise to look first before you leap. But once you take that leap, don’t go crying out for help when you don’t find what you want; except of course you took the leap for the fun of it.

Why will you get a girl to date and love you and then get tired of her after a little while start spitting spit from your mouth What happens to the girl and the feelings she has for you now?? Oh right, you don’t care, there are a lot of other more attractive girls and you really need to get them.

Like say better thing dey ever finish for market.

Ujujoan:

No I will not. I always advise to look first before you leap. But once you take that leap, don’t go crying out for help when you don’t find what you want; except of course you took the leap for the fun of it.
Why will you get a girl to date and love you and then get tired of her after a little while start spitting spit from your mouth What happens to the girl and the feelings she has for you now?? Oh right, you don’t care, there are a lot of other more attractive girls and you really need to get them.
Like say better thing dey ever finish for market.

I give u this one, the mistake has been made. He cant now sit in there and be miserable all his life, besides the girl wont enjoy it if he's not interested.
Surely, he cant stay there and suffer for his deeds. Relationships are all about learning from mistakes, and i'll advise u to go out there and get em son! just be careful not to break too many hearts, but always take heart break on the chin when it comes to u too.

_{Do not throw away good oil while struggling to save used out oil}

whitelexi:

I give u this one, the mistake has been made. He can't now sit in there and be miserable all his life, besides the girl wont enjoy it if he's not interested.
Surely, he can't stay there and suffer for his deeds. Relationships are all about learning from mistakes, and i'll advise u to go out there and get em son! just be careful not to break too many hearts, but always take heart break on the chin when it comes to u too.

_{Do not throw away good oil while struggling to save used out oil}

Every mistake comes with a price and it stinks more when the other party takes the burnt of it. But that’s life, s**t happens!! Let him go on doing his thing and stop acting like he’s in a dilemma.

It’s not a mistake; it’s his way of life. The least he can do is to accept it. Don’t even think of reasoning with me on this, you know I won’t.

i dont know if my response is late but i will give it anyway for the benefit of others. Now your problem could be that you where only attracted to her outward attributes like her sophistication, poise, beauty and so on ( a usual mistake) that is not bad in itself. but the problem is that usually the closer people get the more they care less about acting up and the they tend be be themselves. this can disillussion you. To maintain a serious relationship you need a lot of things one of which is maturity. Experience will tell you that all relationships go the same way, that is no matter how much you love someone there will be times you will feel no desire, like running away, the person is not attractive enough, and other girls will look more atractive. But if you are ready for a relationship you will stick in there and make it work. the success of relationships like everything in life depends on the efforts you put in it. except if the other party is making things too difficult which is not the case here. However you can sit her down and tell her that love is not measured only by the number of times you spend together, that you can love each other be close and still maintain your individual identity like friends.

sowura:

i don't know if my response is late but i will give it anyway for the benefit of others. Now your problem could be that you where only attracted to her outward attributes like her sophistication, poise, beauty and so on ( a usual mistake) that is not bad in itself. but the problem is that usually the closer people get the more they care less about acting up and the they tend be be themselves. this can disillussion you. To maintain a serious relationship you need a lot of things one of which is maturity. Experience will tell you that all relationships go the same way, that is no matter how much you love someone there will be times you will feel no desire, like running away, the person is not attractive enough, and other girls will look more atractive. But if you are ready for a relationship you will stick in there and make it work. the success of relationships like everything in life depends on the efforts you put in it. except if the other party is making things too difficult which is not the case here. However you can sit her down and tell her that love is not measured only by the number of times you spend together, that you can love each other be close and still maintain your individual identity like friends.

LMAO!!!

How on earth do you guys come up with stuffs like that

Ujujoan:

LMAO!!!

How on earth do you guys come up with stuffs like that

Only immature guys come up with sh*t like that.

Long story short, the truth is you're asking yourself "Ok, i'm here [in a relationship with this woman], is there more to this?"

what matters is if you're content with what you have. Are you?

I was in your exact shoes once. It took a lotta soul searching, but When i found out that i wanted more - i broke up. Heartless? Yes. Brutal? Yes. Trappings of a Player? Yes. Regret It? Yes. Thought I made the wrong choice? No. But more importantly, I had a better understanding of what i wanted, something you don't get from not going into any relationship at all.

Dude, there will always be someone better - You can't go into a relationship thinking the way you are now, or else you'll be in one vicious cycle of popping every relationship whenever a hotter pair of legs walk by [Don't think otherwise - Naija babes have made it pointless to use a yardstick in terms of beauty/sexuality].

What you are looking for (WITH EFFORT FROM BOTH COMPATIBLE PARTNERS), is a relationship with someone who EVENTUALLY complements you [and vice versa] in a way that forms a bond so strong and meaningful in the shallow world we live in that you won't be thinking if there is someone else who is better, and it won't matter anyway. This is when you make THAT FINAL DECISION to close all other options (what could have been) and say "i do" (Of course,Pepper before hand is strongly recommended). This will not come to you on a platter of gold, and requires time, dedication, and those inevitable mistakes we make because we are inperfect.

And more importantly, this WILL NOT HAPPEN IF YOU SIT ON THE FENCE and do something about. It's life. Shit happens. things change. People we were so attracted to/lusting after  aren't so attractive anymore. The only thing that doesn't change is that substance of love that some people don't believe exists anymore. And quite frankly i don't blame them.

So there you have it. If you STILL CAN'T make up your mind after thinking about this then you're incapable of handling that kind of relationship. which isn't bad. you got time. from the way you pondered about this i hope you're young. Comprende?

Sorry for taking so long to reply, had some business to attend to that took me away from the net.

@Sangreal
Your basic premise is false, I have not slept with her ( and I do not intend to unless we get married, God-willing), therefore the rest of your analysis is irrelevant.

@ Uju
I really do not understand why you are being so aggressive here. I am simply expressing a feeling and wondering the way forward. It IS not my intention to break her heart, Your conclusions about me being a 'born player' and dumping girls being my 'lifestyle' is wierd, considering that I said earlier that this is my FIRST relationship,
Statements like 'spitting out of my mouth' and 'acting lost' are out of place here and will not help matters.

Did somebody break your heart? I am not him, dont take it out of me.

You do raise an important point concerning the girls feelings, and this is one of the main reasons why I will not end the relationship.

@Sowura
Your post makes sense to me. I understand that good things take effort, I have experienced this from other aspects of life, however, I did not apply this to relationships. Maybe this is because I have bought into the popular notion of fairytail love, and happily ever after endings, But I like your advice about putting efforts into the relationship in order to make it work. I am going to give it my best shot. thanks for sharing your insight.

@ndividual
I am youngish - 23 to be exact - and Ive spent a little time thinking about the whole thing, I think I'll try n put more effort into the relationship in order to make it work. (Been trying for a some days now, and I think I am regaining some glimpses of the original magic) So, wish me luck.


@ everyone , thx for taking time to share and offer advice, u guys are the best!

hey mr POSTER, i am not here for long stories but read well and read real good, if this particular girl hasn''t done anything to warrant you calling off the relationship then stick to her çus if you dump her believe me that the girl you will eventually want to settle down with will do the same to you (anyone ever heard of law of camar?, it is real)
Boring moments are bound to happen in relationships but we have to liven it up rather than killing it.

I NO FIT SOOOUUUUUTTTT!!!!

@ Op,

It's unfortunate u're feeling this way, does she feel the same way as well?. . . . .

If she does, then it is essentially time for both parties to move on. . . .  .

More so u, according to ur statement have started finding other girls attractive,. . . . .

Good Luck. . . ,

it is not true love

There will always be ups and downs.

hey man, any serious relationship has its ups and downs and at times, you could just feel irritated and wouldnt mind leaving, but, the difference and maturity only comes to play when you apply, real life logic. Listen bro, even in life, some times are bad and some are good. all i'm trying to make you understand is the fact that, this same chic impressed you, maybe, dem new girls are only acting as some sortta distraction. try to fix yourself and besides, your time's too short to share and wonder over girls, alright? Hustle hard, try to earn a better standard of living, render little or no attention to girls and you'll be amazed how they're gonna start flocking all around you.

Just an opinion though. Peace, man.

@lanray88, check date stamps b4 replying

ds stuff's dead n buried only 4 u 2 resurrect it.

Relationships aren't always quite the walk in the park many people believe them to be

goodboybad:

I just entered my first serious relationship months ago. I've always had fantasies of how wonderful a relationship would be like, and I could not understand the why men could not just stick to one lady. Most of my friends that were in relationships told me how lucky I was to be free of women, but I did not believe them.
Anyways, I saw a pretty girl that fit most of my expectations, and I went for her, got her, and now she is head over heels in love with me.
However, I am tired of the relationship, feeling imprisoned, and I want to move on. But I have no tangible reason, the desire for her just died down, and she is noticing and complaining, which is adding to the problem.
Personally, I do not want to be the kind of man that will promise something, then live the girl hanging, we talked about long term plans, and I want to stick to those plans, but the desires are just not there anymore, (besides, Im beginning to find other girls really attractive)
So I need advice from nairalanders,
Is this what I should expect from relationships in general? (if this is the case, then is there any point in moving on?)
Should I try and work on it and try to stimulate those feelings I felt before, will it work?
what should I do?

Your comments (even yabs) are welcome, and I would really like it if people who have experienced this sort situation could give me some advice
(at the moment, I'm trying to see if I can re-animate that initial attraction)

awww, poor baby. how old are u first b4 i give u my advice

Hey man


You've basically fallen out of love, and sadly some relationships are like that. Actually a lot of relationships are like that, but not all. Some stick through it because they've made promises to their partners, and some others stay stuck because they feel comfortable or are afraid it's too late or there's no one else out there for them.

It's up to you to decide your next course of action. If you can re-ignite the spark of love that's missing then more power to you, if not just move on dude.

Since this is your first relationship, you can not assume that is how all relationships are, you won't always expect to marry your first love, its unfortunate that you have made a lot of promises to the lady but then, its not enough reason to stick with her and be unhappy, you will end up not treating her right in the long run if you do decide to stay because of the promises you have made.
What I will suggest you do is to sit down,analyse the relationship and identify what has actually gone wrong, however, if you do have to walk out of the relationship, do let the lady know that its not her fault and be more careful before going into another relationship.