For the most part, parents would try to shield their children from domestic violence as much as possible. They may hope or fantasise that their children do not know what is happening, which is usually a myth, because children know a lot more than the parents usually realise.

Sadly, however, in the vast majority of families where there are children and where abuse is being perpetrated, the children will definitely be aware of the abuse and will often hear it or actually see it going on. In some cases, the children themselves will get caught up in it and will suffer physical or sexual abuse from the same individual.

Some mothers and children use silence or denial to cope with abuse. But it is important to know that most children would like the opportunity to speak about the violence and to talk about what they are feeling.

Parents must talk and listen to their children without frightening them. Reassure them that the violence is not their fault and that they are not responsible for their parents’ behaviour. Explain to them that the violence is wrong and that it does not solve problems. You must remember that your children will naturally trust you and it’s important not to break that trust by lying to them.

Encourage your children to talk about their wishes and feelings. Spend quiet time with them and gently encourage them to talk about how they feel. Sometimes, children will not talk if they are still in the abusive environment for fear it may escalate; or for fear that they will be responsible for making it worse.

Sometimes, one or more of your children may become aggressive or abusive towards you or other members of the family. Some boys may try to copy the violence they see their father commit against their mother, or they may live in fear that they will turn out like him. This may become a temporary behavioural problem from the child, but requires attention from the parents.

It is equally important to know that if your child is abusive towards their mother in particular as a result of witnessing domestic violence in the family, it is not your fault. However, a severely aggressive or abusive child can have a negative effect on the other children in the family.

The term ‘domestic violence’ or ‘domestic abuse’ is used to describe any incident or threatening behaviour, violence or abuse between adults who is or has been a family member or living in a family setting. These may be psychological, physical, sexual, emotional including verbal threats, controlling behaviour and financial.

Although a man abusing a woman is recognised more often, the adult may be both genders and it can happen in any class, religion, race, occupation or age.

Sometimes, people like to think that alcohol can cause a person to be violent. Alcohol itself does not cause domestic violence, but there is evidence that where DV exists, alcohol is often present. Anyone can be a victim of DV and nowadays, it can also take place on mobiles, the internet and other social networking sites. I am sometimes alarmed at the strength and force of people’s venom towards one another on these sites.

Children can witness DV in a variety of ways. For example, they may be in the same room and get caught in the middle of an incident, perhaps in an effort to make the violence stop. They may be in another room but be able to hear the abuse or to see their mother’s physical injuries following an incidence of violence; or they may be forced to take part in verbally abusing their mother.

Parents must always remember that children are completely dependent on the adults around them and if they do not feel safe in their own home, this can have may negative physical and emotional effects. It’s important to realise that all children who witness DV are being emotionally abused.

Children will react in different ways to having being brought up in a home with a violent person. Age, sex, stage of development, cultural views and individual personalities will all have an effect on a child’s responses. However, most children will be affected in some way by tension or by witnessing arguments, distressing behaviour or assaults, even if it is not immediately obvious to the adults around.

Significantly, children may think that they are to blame or they may feel angry, guilty, insecure, alone, frightened, powerless or confused. They may have ambivalent feelings both towards the abuser and towards the non abusing parent.

Some of the more common effects of DV on children include the following: anxiety, depression, difficulty in sleeping, nightmares, or flash backs. Children may complain of physical symptoms such as tummy aches or they may even start to wet their beds. They may have a period where they display serious temper tantrums and behave as though they are much younger than they are. Very often, they may develop problems at school, become aggressive to other school mates and their siblings. They may internalise their dislikes and withdraw from other people. They may have a low sense of self-worth. They may go on to develop self-harming, coping mechanisms.

Violence can also interfere with your children’s social relationships; they may feel unable to invite friends round out of shame, fear or concern about what their friends might see. They may feel guilty and think the violence is their fault, or that they ought to be able to stop it in some way. There can be an impact on their achievements in school. Some children will be preoccupied with thoughts on how to protect their mother. This worry and lack of concentration can have very negative effects on their school work.

Girls are more likely to keep their distress inside. They may become withdrawn from other people and become anxious and depressed. They may think badly of themselves and complain about vague physical symptoms. They are more likely to have an eating disorder or harm themselves in other ways.

Children who have witnessed violence are more likely to be either abusers or victims themselves. Children tend to copy the behaviour of their parents. Boys can learn from their fathers to be violent to women, and girls learn from their mothers that violence is to be expected and something you just have to put up with.

Some children appear resilient and are able to withstand and are less affected by the DV. Children don’t always repeat the same patterns when they grow up. Many children don’t like what they see, and try very hard not to make the same mistakes as their parents. Even so, children from violent families often grow up feeling anxious and depressed, and find it difficult to get on with other people.

Open communication is helpful, rather than trying to hide the problem. Children are able to cope better and recover when they get the right and support, for example, from other family members, peers and educationist. Some children may find it helpful to speak to a professional (like a trained counsellor).

Remember, it is important to keep yourself and your children safe. Domestic violence is a crime against humanity; it is very damaging on many levels and should not be tolerated.

Source: punchng.com - Article by Gloria Ogunbadejo (gogunbadejo@yahoo.co.uk)