Hello N'landers,
I had to create this account just to pour out my heart and probably get counsel on here.
I have known this guy for a long while but been dating for about a year now, he's been amazing and has flaws i can overlook.
So yesterday, he decided to propose but i did not accept neither did i outrightly reject, i told him to give us a little time.
My reason is that he has a child out of wedlock, although he's totally responsible for her upkeep, he told me about it before we started dating, although i didn't see it as a problem them and wasn't really ready for a serious relationship.
Now, my problem isnt really that he has a child but because i feel guilty for stealing another woman's(babymama) chance at happiness, i imagine how i'd feel of i were in her shoes. He never wants to talk about her, says they were both young and naive when it happened.

I really want to know if i'm being petty here, anyone being in my shoes before?

Winna88: Hello N'landers,
I had to create this account just to pour out my heart and probably get counsel on here.
I have known this guy for a long while but been dating for about a year now, he's been amazing and has flaws i can overlook.
So yesterday, he decided to propose but i did not accept neither did i outrightly reject, i told him to give us a little time.
My reason is that he has a child out of wedlock, although he's totally responsible for her upkeep, he told me about it before we started dating, although i didn't see it as a problem them and wasn't really ready for a serious relationship.
Now, my problem isnt really that he has a child but because i feel guilty for stealing another woman's(babymama) chance at happiness, i imagine how i'd feel of i were in her shoes. He never wants to talk about her, says they were both young and naive when it happened.

I really want to know if i'm being petty here, anyone being in my shoes before?

You are not being petty here and I have not been in your shoes. But the honest truth is that, if you do not feel good about it, then give it more time or just let it go. The worst thing to do is to just waste his time forever.

I honestly do not think you are stealing another woman's husband as men cannot be stolen. He voluntarily proposed to you because he has seen something in you that he loves. So you have done no wrong as long as you are 100% sure he has no relationship with the other woman. The woman might have also moved on, so no one has anything to lose.

Just think about it and make a decision that you are comfortable with, but I want you to realise he does not belong to her and you aint stealing any man!

You're not being petty.He is no more involved with the lady if I go by your words.
If he is a good man and he meets your criteria for a husband,then there's no reason not to go ahead with him.However,give it more time and see how things go.
You also need to be sure you can handle some issues that may arise from getting married to a single father.

thorpido:
You also need to be sure you can handle some issues that may arise from getting married to a single father.

I think this is the more important point op needs to consider; rather than feeling any guilt.

@Nashville, Thank you for your comment, i am sure that he's not involved with the woman. I will do well to make a decision im comfortable with after carefully thinking about it.

@Thorpido,Thank you, i will definitely give it more time as i'm not in a hurry to get married. What other issues do you think may arise? God help me!

^^If your husband-to-be decides the child will live with you after marriage,will you be ok with it?Would you be willing to raise the child as your own?

The mother might get involved with your husby sometimes over the child's welfare.Will you be ok with it?

Let him sort out his relationship with his baby mama
why doesn't he wanna talk about her?
they have a child together, he cannot do away with her just like that.
be sure that they have their issues sorted out, nobody is mad at the other before you go ahead or you'll be putting yourself in a big mess.


did you start dating him when he was still with the other woman? What exactly is the cause of your guilt?

What went wrong with him and his baby mama?

Can you agree to live his child after marriage, if that is what he wants?

Will you be comfortable with seeing his baby mama around him each time they have to inevitably meet as regards the welfare of the child?


Brb

@Thorpido, thank you. I'll consider all of that if i will be going ahead that is.

@Alutacontinua, they were not together when we started dating, i really do not know the reason why he does not like talking about her but he said they were both young then(@19),. Well, i thought somehow they could have gotten back together because of thier baby maybe.

How do you know he isnt still involved with the baby momma? Has the baby momma also moved on?

Is the baby mama married now or still single?

@MarvellousGod, she is still single.

@Ramdeuter, i've been with him for over a year and i'm certain they are not dating. The child lives with him at the moment.

If you weir my sister, i will totally discourage you against marrying a single father because I won't do it. If you have what it takes emotionally to be married to one, then you are good to go. He has to tell you everything you need to know before you delve into deep waters. If the baby mama hasn't moved on, you will be in serious poo because you have to be officially sharing him with her.


Can you take care of another's child without being the wicked step mum?

It may be hard for you to cope since the baby mama is still single and may still be in love with him, again the woman may be coming around to see her daughter, can you cope with that?

You said it happened when they were 19, that means the girl must be grown now??

OP no be pesin marry TuFace.

Unless you do not like him, I do not see any strong reason why you shouldn't accept his proposal. I mean he came clean to you, before you guys even started dating, that's to me is an honest broda.

Your call anyway.

Thanks for all your comments.
@MarvellousGod, yes, the child is grown now and honestly, it probably would have been easier if babymama were married already.

Winna88: Thanks for all your comments.
@MarvellousGod, yes, the child is grown now and honestly, it probably would have been easier if babymama were married already.

Honestly, if he hasn't married her all this while, he really does not want her. But a few things you need to consider

1. Do you want to be a mother already - to a child that would never be yours. Truth is you need to treat that child like yours but the child would always love his mother more than you.

2. The mother would also get involved with the child's welfare and that may sometime mean coming over to have conversations with your husband. Are you ok with her discussing those issues with your husband and behind your back too.

3. I would suggest you make him talk about her; what kind of person she is, what kind of issues they have had. You need to know whether this woman is a lunatic or some trouble maker so that you can be well prepared to confront or avoid her if need be.

Marriage is a lifetime commitment and everything should be shared. Make your husband talk about her - not the kinda sex they had but who she is, her family, personality etc. You honestly need to know.