I am separated and heading for a divorce. I would like to hear from people who are already divorced perhaps reasons that led them to divorce, if they are comfortable sharing. I would also like to know how one gets over this...... it's so hard

Can one lead a good quality life after a divorce?

forgotusername: I am separated and heading for a divorce. I would like to hear from people who are already divorced perhaps reasons that led them to divorce, if they are comfortable sharing. I would also like to know how one gets over this...... it's so hard

Can one lead a good quality life after a divorce?

@OP, i may not know why you are heading for a divorce, but is it the last marital solution for you? Can't there be a 'gentleman's understanding' settlement? I am anti-divorce, but i think you may elaborate a little on what lead to your separation to the extent of heading for a divorce. There are a lot of good and experienced men and women here on NL who can offer great help and excellent advice.

@rolling fella
Thankyou so much for a quick response. Let us just say that we are way past the stage for reconciliation advice and trying to save a marriage. It is a marriage that should never have taken place, and i have made peace with it but for the sake of my beautiful kids divorce is the only option. The deceit and infidelity make it very difficult to negotiate staying any further.

So no offence I would really like to hear from those who have experienced what i am going through.

marriage is very funny, you rush in unprepared, you rush out prepared for the next wedding. At op, take care oo

bennyrazz: marriage is very funny, you rush in unprepared, you rush out prepared for the next wedding. At op, take care oo

Wow you appear to be making a lot of assumptions here. What makes you think i rushed into the marriage and certainly that i am rushing out of it? Do you think as 30 something year old God fearing woman with kids i make the decision of dissolving my marriage lightly without even trying? Do you think i choose to raise my beautiful children as a single parent? SERIOUSLY

You must know that something terrible must have driven me to this point. So please do not make assumptions or judge.

forgotusername:

Wow you appear to be making a lot of assumptions here. What makes you think i rushed into the marriage and certainly that i am rushing out of it? Do you think as 30 something year old God fearing woman with kids i make the decision of dissolving my marriage lightly without even trying? Do you think i choose to raise my beautiful children as a single parent? SERIOUSLY

You must know that something terrible must have driven me to this point. So please do not make assumptions or judge.

@OP, from the 'sound' of your write-up above, its obvious you have been seriously hurt, still hurting and in emotional pains. i really sympathise with you for what you are passing through. However, its obvious too that you have decided to call it quits with your marriage, irrespective of any attempts by anyone at this point, to help profer a solution. In otherwards, your divorce decision is final and definite! So i suppose any relevant attempts or advice to salvage the marriage at this point is indeed furtile. But have one thing at the back of your mind while your divorce proceedings goes on; and that is the huge emotional, psychological, and may be, spiritual impact it will have on you and most especially, your kids. Divorce is never an easy thing to go through. Its like a healed injury on one's body that leaves a visible scar. I won't even pray for my enemy to go through any divorce.

Thanx RollingFella

In my own case divorce will actually bring me peace. Removing myself from a situation that is volatile at best and actually becoming dangerous is absolutely necesary for my survival and wellbeing if i am to live long enough to raise my gorgeous kids that remain the only constant in my life.

The reason i am looking to hear from people who are divorced is to perhaps gain a little insight on life afterward. My husband may have been a crap husband but he is an amazing father who loves his kids so I have made a commitment to my children to ensure we get along, and continue co parenting and create a loving environment for this even in the midst of a divorce.

Even the bible acknowledges that where adultery has been committed , there are grounds for a divorce.

^^^^@ROLLING... And i hope you don't pray for "death from STIs" to happen to that enemy of yours.

Yes divorce is hard but i guess you saw where she wrote continous infidelity. We have read on here numerous examples of husbands infecting their wives with HIV, herpes etc and going behind their backs to take treatment while leaving the wife to die. I guess that's fair to the kids also in your dictionary.


@op. You are the one that knows where it pinches and hurt most. For you to have come to this decision shows you value your personal happiness a lot. Good luck with it. I just wish you have that family cushion to help you through it. Never been married let alone being a divorcee so i don't know how it feels. But all i can say is you need the emotional help and support of your family more than ever before also it won't hurt to start looking at different options and work opportunities that would sustain you for the journey ahead.

forgotusername: @rolling fella
Thankyou so much for a quick response. Let us just say that we are way past the stage for reconciliation advice and trying to save a marriage. It is a marriage that should never have taken place, and i have made peace with it but for the sake of my beautiful kids divorce is the only option. The deceit and infidelity make it very difficult to negotiate staying any further.

So no offence I would really like to hear from those who have experienced what i am going through.

Sorry for the ordeal you are passing through. Since we are all here to learn, you may wish to expatiate on the bolded, if you don't mind

shizzleStar:
You may wish to expatiate on the bolded, if you don't mind

ah! Can you guys allow her move on please. Its enough trauma to be going through a divorce. You don't need to add more by letting her recant the mistakes of the past thus bringing back the hurt and the "had i know" phrase. She wants to move, stop dragging her to the past please.

forgotusername: I am separated and heading for a divorce. I would like to hear from people who are already divorced perhaps reasons that led them to divorce, if they are comfortable sharing. I would also like to know how one gets over this...... it's so hard

Can one lead a good quality life after a divorce?

av been seprated for a while now.mine was due to deceit and domestic abuse.i saw it coming but stil tried to make tinz work instead my hubby was irresponsible nd violent.i was depressed and lost my self esteem.
since av been out av neva felt this relieved nd happy especially wit my angel around me

@op. You are the one that knows where it pinches and hurt most. For you to have come to this decision shows you valueour personal happiness a lot. Good luck with it. I just wish you have that family cushion to help you through it. Never been married let alone being a divorcee so i don't know how it feels. But all i can say is you need the emotional help and support of your family more than ever before also it won't hurt to start looking at different options and work opportunities that would sustain you for the journey ahead. [/quote]

Thankyou for your response. Financially i am able to take care of myself and kids without needing to ask him for anything. I am very independant always have been so no issues with money. You are correct that sometimes we are advised to forgive cheating husband and persevere in marriage but when one gets infected with HIV the very same people will shun you or ask you why you didn't leave sooner. My youngest, is 2 years old so my babies need their mum healthy and alive. We can raise them lovingly its not a must for this to be done from the same address!

ephee:

av been seprated for a while now.mine was due to deceit and domestic abuse.i saw it coming but stil tried to make tinz work instead my hubby was irresponsible nd violent.i was depressed and lost my self esteem.
since av been out av neva felt this relieved nd happy especially wit my angel around me

@ephee
Without them even knowing it my kids have been my absolute rock. Looking at their gorgeous faces makes life worthliving. I was depressed too for a while, but through therapy i realised that it was caused by the fact that i saw it coming but did not walk away before. SO i blamed myself.

I am sorry that you have experienced domestic violence it takes a long time emotionally to heal from such an ordel. But remember not every man believes in battering a woman, so when you are ready to move on try to forget the past. I know it will be hard even I cannot follow my own advice but i pray you will find true healing someday.

As for me marriage again hmmmm....... i will pass lol

....

onegig: ^^^^@ROLLING... And i hope you don't pray for "death from STIs" to happen to that enemy of yours.

Yes divorce is hard but i guess you saw where she wrote continous infidelity. We have read on here numerous examples of husbands infecting their wives with HIV, herpes etc and going behind their backs to take treatment while leaving the wife to die. I guess that's fair to the kids also in your dictionary.


@op. You are the one that knows where it pinches and hurt most. For you to have come to this decision shows you value your personal happiness a lot. Good luck with it. I just wish you have that family cushion to help you through it. Never been married let alone being a divorcee so i don't know how it feels. But all i can say is you need the emotional help and support of your family more than ever before also it won't hurt to start looking at different options and work opportunities that would sustain you for the journey ahead.

@onegig....i think you misunderstood me out of context....

@OP, i have read through an old thread you opened sometime ago: "trapped-loveless-marriage" . Going by what you wrote on that thread, I must admit that it must have been quite tough and emotionally draining for you. i salute your courage and tenacity in the whole process for hanging on till now. You are indeed a woman with a large heart. It was quite obvious and unfortunate,from what explained, that your hubby married you just to get a permanent stay permit. Sometimes, its so painful to see quite a handful of male folks (and some female folks too) put their lives and the lives of others on the line doing things like these and damning the consequences. This goes to show high level of moral decadence in the society we live in.
But looking at from different perspective too, you had the warning signs before you jumped into the marriage. You ignored it. I can also understand why you overlooked some of the warning signs. It showed you loved with your heart. Despite the fact that i am anti-divorce, i strongly despise and condenm cheating, domestic violence, all forms of emotional and psychological toture in its strogest terms. You are very well within your rights to either institute divorce or not. Speaking from the christian point of view, there are basis for both and you will be correct chosing any. But, as you go through all these, try as much as you can to limit the impact of divorce on your kids. Its going to be difficult, but with God all is possible. As for life after divorce, its only God that can give true happiness irrespective of any advice you get from anybody. Go closer to him and you will get complete happiness and healing from the impact of divorce.

I never misunderstood you. I was just explaining your points more practically. I understand your fears about divorce. No one wants that, but just like you just agreed in your last post there are some situations where its for the greater good. I would wish divorce for my best friend if they are in a marriage that's endangering their lives.

We should start embracing the fact that separation and divorce is a better option in some situations rather than hide under that divorce is bad anthem and you " should try and make it work no matter what" theme. It only works when both partners are truly remorseful and willing to correct their mistakes and not allow it repeat itself.

But question is what's the probability that a cheating man would change? That's even if he agrees to wrongdoing.

recently d one of my inlaws wanted 2 beat my junior brother cause d guy made fun of him. 2 make matters worse my junior brothers wife even came n started insulting my brother in public cos of d joke. my brother felt bitter by d way his wife behaved. d shame n embarrassment was too much 4 him so he decided 2 quit d union. I advised him dat instead of divorcement, separation would be ideal. am not someone dat believes in divorcement, rather one can separate from d wife or husband. by doing so u save ur life (dat is if ur life is endanger). give him or her time, if u have been a good wife or husband, he or she will flee back into ur arms

Thankyou all for the response thus far.

I look forward to hearing more, hopefully from people who are my situation.
Even in the darkest of times there is hope. Hope that for as long there is life, there still exists an opportunity for happiness. It is well.

buchilino: recently d one of my inlaws wanted 2 beat my junior brother cause d guy made fun of him. 2 make matters worse my junior brothers wife even came n started insulting my brother in public cos of d joke. my brother felt bitter by d way his wife behaved. d shame n embarrassment was too much 4 him so he decided 2 quit d union. I advised him dat instead of divorcement, separation would be ideal. am not someone dat believes in divorcement, rather one can separate from d wife or husband. by doing so u save ur life (dat is if ur life is endanger). give him or her time, if u have been a good wife or husband, he or she will flee back into ur arms

Divorcement??

Seriously??

.

OP you'll be fine.
In the end
Eventually.
You'll be fine

forgotusername:

Wow you appear to be making a lot of assumptions here. What makes you think i rushed into the marriage and certainly that i am rushing out of it? Do you think as 30 something year old God fearing woman with kids i make the decision of dissolving my marriage lightly without even trying? Do you think i choose to raise my beautiful children as a single parent? SERIOUSLY

You must know that something terrible must have driven me to this point. So please do not make assumptions or judge.

you never wrote about your reasons for divorce hence the assumptions. I can see the likes and I will say these a thousand times, divorcee's out there are the architect of their own divorce. Most people plan for wedding, not marriage. some get married because of pressure from family, friends and colleagues. While others get married based on physical attributes (My dream husband must be tall, he must have a house, fleet of cars, he must be from so so tribe, he must know how to dress, and so on and so on.) They have a checklist of the kind of wife/husband they are looking for while they close their eyes towards their soul-mate (God ordained spouse). This remind me of the story of David. When God asked him to go and anoint a king out of the house of Jesse, he went there to be looking at physical attributes and God told him no when the elder brothers of david passed before him. And samuel asked Jesse, are these all your male children and Jesse replied, "hmmm, there is one left tendering cattle" and samuel requested for him to be brought before him" and immediately David was brought to samuel, God told samuel he was the one. God knows what he was looking for, he did not consider his physical attribute. So is marriage, if you consider beauty, material things before you tie the knot with someone out there, when those things are no more, that's the end of the marriage. Do you know another thing, some marriages are not meant to be broken they only need spiritual surgical attention. This is where you look at family history of your spouse. Did the mother of your spouse leave her husband or break the marriage? did the father leave the marriage? how was their marriage like? his is father polygamous? is her mother promiscuos and so many other family history. Family history of both the man and woman have to be studied before marriage and if there is any problem with it then serious prayers & fasting is required to counter the evil family pattern. Marriage convenant is one of the greatest convenant in the world and when Jesus talked about Divorce he said it was because of the heart of a man is hardened that was why moses in the old testatment permitted divorce based on only sexual immorality but that it was not so from the beginning meaning once a man and a woman marry themselves, they become one in the eyes of God. The only reason for any divorce should be sexual immorality and anyone that divorce his/her spouse outside that committs adultery. I'm not a fan of divorce and i will never be a fan of it. What God as joined together, let no man put asunder. Shallom

^ here I believe is the reason for her divorce

www.nairaland.com/1583468/trapped-loveless-marriage

forgotusername: @rolling fella
Thankyou so much for a quick response. Let us just say that we are way past the stage for reconciliation advice and trying to save a marriage. It is a marriage that should never have taken place, and i have made peace with it but for the sake of my beautiful kids divorce is the only option. The deceit and infidelity make it very difficult to negotiate staying any further.

So no offence I would really like to hear from those who have experienced what i am going through.

. My dear,its well with u.with some men u r far beta alone.i got divorced somwhr in Feb although iin ma case ders no kid involved and d marriage only lasted A year 6months.it all started wen Ex started seing himself as d most handsome nd player on earth. His girlfriend wud call nd insulted me even threatened me her annoyance been dat he left ha to marry nd dey found deir way bak togeda.den he started keeping late nights nd neva found anytin gud in woteva I did,den Beating.he started d battering since d 3rd month after d so called marriage which I endured till he almost took my life.i even posted here about d issue bak den.divorce is saddening nd scary though but once u r d faithful one God will always clear ur ways for u afterwards. It was like d world was waiting for me to come out.immediatly I came out,i landed myself a job nd a shop.of which while I was married he neva allowed me to work.even with my own money saved den,he was giving me xcuses not to open a shop.nd imagine I quit my job for d marriage bak den cos. I was leavin in a diff city frm him nd had to relocate.my dear,i won't advise u to leav or stay,its ur shoes nd u sure knw ao much it hurts or comforting.wish u luck!!

@OP:

You will be fine
The most problems faced by divorcees is caused by themselves;

What will people say?
Everybody talking must be talking about me
Everyone laughing is doing so at me
Playing the victim in the community, throwing pity parties, telling everyone their stories etc.

If you go about your business normally, nobody will pay you mind.

I would advice a seperation first though

Op, u're an inspiratn! I love ur objectivity&wisdom. Don't worry, I'm sure u'll be fine.

Ujujoan:

Divorcement??

Seriously??

yep seriously, its not their first of quarreling, in fact it has been like dat since dr marriage

buchilino:

yep seriously, its not their first of quarreling, in fact it has been like dat since dr marriage

My dear the word is divorce not divorcement.

aisha2:

My dear the word is divorce not divorcement.

had no idea i was inside an English class

buchilino:

had no idea i was inside an English class

buchilino:

had no idea i was inside an English class

No vex

[quote author=ephee]

av been seprated for a while now.mine was due to deceit and domestic abuse.i saw it coming but stil tried to make tinz work instead my hubby was irresponsible nd violent.i was depressed and lost my self esteem.
since av been out av neva felt this relieved nd happy especially wit my angel around me/quote]


I've been separated too from my husband for some months now and the peace i feel deep down is second to none.

I have two absolutely wonderful kids. The best things that ever happened to me.I was severally abused physically,emotionally and verbally. I lost my self-esteem,became depressed and suicidal i was gradually losing my mind but still stayed for the kids.

Then one day,my daughter made assertions to the fact that daddy was always shouting at me. It then dawned on me that i was only fooling myself if i was staying in the fluke of a marriage because of my kids because as young as my daughter was,she knew daddy was not treating us well. I decided that i wouldn't allow her grow up with the mentality that what daddy was doing was right. (In fact, i told him what the little girl said and his response was "I'll shout at you in whatever way i like, whenever i like and wherever i like"!!!) Hahaha....And after one last incident,i left with my kids.

He has not asked about us and i don't look forward to him doing that because i am in a happy place. I am no longer worried about what would cause the next fight or who he's sleeping with at the moment or who he sleeps with when he abandons the kids and i for weeks and stays in hotels in the same town! Lol.... The deceit, the lies..... smh!

At my age, all that flooded my mind was death! But now, i want to live long to see my kids grow up to be the best that God has made them to be.

Op,be of good cheer. I don't know about divorces but hopefully,people who are conversant with it would come in and give you the best,much needed advise.

It is well.