By Richard Cann at 4:32 pm 06/09/2014 Tuesday 25 August Mwahahaha. In the words of the
great John ‘Hannibal’ Smith, “I
love it when a plan comes
together”. It’s taken a while,
about three months I’ll admit,
but I’ve finally made Ed Woodward my bitch. Everything I do takes three months to
perfect. Truss asked me to paint
the skirting boards last week. I
said to her, “Look dear, I’ll do
it, but it’s going to look schijt
at first. However, by the time I get to the ninth bedroom I’ll be
the greatest skirting board
painter on the planet. You are
lucky to have met me later in
life, for I am now a world class
maker of love too. But skirting boards, this is new.” At first Ed resisted. I asked him
for Robben, Hummels, Muller,
Vermaelen and to complete the
Kroos deal. He told me we had
ALL the money, then got all tight
when it came to coughing up. I thought we had Kroos, then Real
came in and that was it. The
little schijt Woodward told
everyone at his private weekly
press circle-jerk that I had
vetoed the deal. For Toni Kroos! Then he said I didn’t want
Fabregas either! Van Gaal never
forgets. Instead he gave me
Herrera, who I like, and some fat
kid called Shaw, who turned up
on the first day of training with an a*se like Kim Kardashian. Anyway, we kept winning in pre-
season, and he kept saying,
“Look Louis, we’re winning, do
we need to spend huge
amounts?” He wouldn’t listen,
so I played a little practical joke that put the schijts right up him. Swansea on the first day of the
season. They scored first, but
we equalised through Wayne Rooney. It looked like we might win. I wasn’t having that, so
subbed Herrera and put my
sh*ttest player on in midfield.
High Jinks! And hey presto, we
lost. You should have seen
Woodward’s sad, pale cartoon face in the executive lounge. The
Glazers were there too. I
couldn’t stop smirking. #454327950 / gettyimages.com Next day Ed calls in to see me at
Carrington and offers to buy
anyone I want. I had a search
around for the player with the
most complex and intricate
contractual ownership situation in Europe. Turns out it was that
lad who played left back for
Argentina at the World Cup. I’ve
only seen him twice but I
thought I’d test Woodward’s
transfer skills. He only went and signed him, but forgot about a
work permit. Dipschijt. Anyway, I thought feck it, I’ll
ask for Di Maria. Ed wasn’t sure.
But I’m cunning, so I trolled him
by naming the player in public as
the sort we’re missing. I made sure we were suitably
abysmal at Sunderland too. Mata
went and scored. Traitor. We
drew, but it was enough. Two
days later Di Maria is in the
house! I’m not sure how far I can stretch this but I’ve publicly
thrown Messi and Vidal in to the
mix. If they sign I’m going to
unleash my love sacks in the
boardroom. Robin started on Sunday too. I
missed him since the World Cup.
We passed each other in the
corridor for the first time since
Brazil and our hands momentarily
touched. My loins stirred. Truss knows. She understands. She is
the lady in the streets, but
Robin is the freak in my bed. He
was very sad when I made
Rooney captain. 239 texts in
three days! He said that I’d betrayed him, but we made
sweet love and it was all fine
again. I suppose I’m going to have to
start making the team win now
that I’ve finally got my way.
This, of course, will be easy.
After all, I made Ron Vlaar look
good. But there’s only so much a coach can do and not even
Van Gaal can stretch to making Tom Cleverley a competent footballer, so I got rid of him.
What sort of manager agrees to
pay Ashley Young £120,000 per week? Amateur. And what is a
Kagawa? What does it do? I
don’t even know what he looks
like. I’ve picked the little schijt
three times now and he
couldn’t even be ar*ed to show up. That Smalling lad is an odd
one. Permanently has a look on
his face like he’s got concussion.
Plays like it too. He’s fine doing
cardio training or weights, but
as soon as someone produces a football he soils himself and runs
for the changing room. He’ll find
no sanctity in there. Phil Jones has broken half the squad and
they point and laugh from the
canteen. It was Giggs who persuaded me
to make Rooney captain. He said
that the responsibility would
inspire him. I said that on
£300,000 a week he shouldn’t
f*cking need inspiring, but there you go. Giggs said that Fletcher
can still be a top class central
midfielder. I laughed, but made
him vice captain anyway. It’s a
pointless position. Giggs also said
that Tom Cleverley can be the best midfielder in Europe, that I
shouldn’t have let Ferdinand or
Evra go and should have tried to
persuade Paul Scholes, Edwin Van der Sar and Gary Neville to come out of retirement. All the
coaches humour him, but we
have a proper gossip in Dutch. But overall things are going well.
I just wish Woodward would stop
telling me to refer to United as
the biggest club in the world.
It’s not. But it will be when I’ve
finished with it. I can’t believe I get to work with Sir Bobby Charlton every day. SIR Bobby Charlton! Well, strictly speaking I sometimes take him to the toilet,
but he always thanks me for
wiping his bottom. Three months
in and I’m now world class at
that too. This is just the
beginning.

Thursday 4 September Ok, this is just too easy. All I
have to do is make the team
play badly and Ed gives me a
couple of new players. Putty
face is putty in my hands. How
long can I keep this up? My team selection for Milton Keynes was
perfection. It was all I could do to
stop myself sniggering as each
goal went in. Giggs was fuming.
How Albert and I laughed. We’re
seeing how far we can take the piss taking. Frans told him that
he bums sheep in Dutch right to
his face in training. Giggs just
smiled and nodded. Banter! Anyway, at Milton Keynes I just
picked all the players I wanted
rid of that Ed was prevaricating
about selling, put them in 3-5-2
and told them to treat it like a
training game. It actually went better than I’d hoped! 4-0! Hey
presto, next day he emailed
every club in Europe offering the
lot. Interest was a bit slow. Aston
Villa wanted to sign Tom Cleverley. I had them in the sweepstake. Easiest money I’ve
ever made. The most
nondescript, average Premier
League club wanting to sign, well,
the most nondescript, average
footballer in the Premier League. They do nothing, he does
nothing. Perfect! I’ve watched
all of United’s games from last
season on DVD and he only
played well once, at Villa. They
should have watched them all too. A fool and his money. The
little sh*jt wanted to screw me
over on deadline day by trying
to force a move to Everton. Silly
boy. They weren’t willing to pay
him actual money, so he had to make do. Ed got Kagawa back to
Dortmund. I still don’t know
what he looks like. Zaha went
too. He asked me if I had a
daughter. It’s none of his
business so I said no. Strange question to ask. Five minutes
later he’s asking to leave. I
don’t get it, but whatever. His
loss. Now he doesn’t get to be
trained by the great Van Gaal. We let Welbeck go to Arsenal. He
said that he wanted to be “Dat
guy”. I said if “Dat Guy” was
youth talk for substitute then I
would make it happen.
Apparently it wasn’t. Anyway, Arsene Wenger called and said
that he didn’t have enough
tricky, technical players who
can’t shoot. I don’t see them
as title challengers anyway, and
Welbeck had escaped from his pod and high-haired it down to
London when I wasn’t looking,
so £16m was a good deal. We got an email saying that Real
Madrid wanted to make a loan
offer for Hernandez. We all
laughed and Ed sent an email
back saying that he’s fallen for
enough Nigerian email scams to know one when he sees one. Five
minutes later Florentino Perez
was on the phone. Much
embarrassment! We bundled the
player in to a Chevvy van and
kicked him out on to the curb at Manchester Airport. He’s not
come back and we have the
money so all must be well. Real
Madrid fans thought they were
getting Falcao! Speaking of Falcao, how crazy was deadline day? We gave up
on Vidal and brought in Daley
Blind. I wasn’t keen because I
didn’t want anyone at the club
who’s better looking than me,
but needs must. Have you seen his girlfriend? Double Ds! When I got to Carrington I found
Ed in his office lying on a huge
bed covered in money. He said
that Adidas had been on the
phone and told him that if he
didn’t spend it before midnight they’d have the Glazers feed
him to sharks. I suggested that
we tried again for Hummels.
“Too late”, said Ed, “I’ve got
you Falcao!” How am I supposed to explain
this is Robin? #454218718 / gettyimages.com I’m going to have to leave Mata
out. De Gea will be really sad.
Dressing room affairs cause no
end of problems. Except for mine.
Do as Louis says, not as Louis
does. Falcao turned up and I have to admit that he’s a fine
figure of a man. Ed badgered him
for half an hour to say that
United is the biggest club in the
world in his MUTV interview. Mendes told me that Radamel is
physically incapable of lying. Ed
told him that the sponsors would
shijt the bed. Di Maria was like putty! He even
said that United were the only
club he’d have left Real for,
having spent all summer trying
to sign for PSG! We were like the
sloppiest of sloppy seconds. But Falcao wouldn’t budge. The Glazers called Ed and told him if
he couldn’t swing it they might
feed him to the sharks anyway.
We reached a compromise and
the player called us “the big
club” in the most Hispanic English he could manage and we
pretended it was just because
he couldn’t explain himself
because of his limited language
skills. No one will have noticed. Did you see Di Maria for
Argentina against Germany on
Wednesday? My my my. Ed says we can’t sign any more
players until January now. And
I’m stuck with that useless shit
Anderson. I suppose I’d better
ditch my 3-5-2 sabotage and
start winning some games, but not enough that he starts
thinking that we don’t need
Strootman.

This poo actually got me laughing