Good evening,am relatively new on nairaland but I need advice on a pressing life issue. I have been dating a guy for about 8 months now,I know he feels strongly for me and wants to take the relationship further,yesterday he asked me if I wanted the Bella naija sort of wedding. He is thirty three and works in the bank as a marketer,living a comfortable life as a bachelor. I really like him too but I know we don't match in terms of drive. He is the slow and steady person and I am the quick and articulating spec. I intend starting something of my own after school but he thinks I should just get a job and chill. He is an amazing person but I know if I later stick with him I will be in for a life of under achievement. He is living well,a car,a good house,lots of amazing gadgets and all. But am thinking long term success. Am really confused,I don't want temporary emotion to control a permanent decision. And I don't want to lose a good guy.

What do you mean by a "life of underachievement"...

Are you saying he doesn't have any goal or vision for life?

What is your definition of achievement?

tomatoJos:
Good evening,am relatively new on nairaland but I need advice on a pressing life issue. I have been dating a guy for about 8 months now,I know he feels strongly for me and wants to take the relationship further,yesterday he asked me if I wanted the Bella naija sort of wedding. He is thirty three and works in the bank as a marketer,living a comfortable life as a bachelor. I really like him too but I know we don't match in terms of drive. He is the slow and steady person and I am the quick and articulating spec. I intend starting something of my own after school but he thinks I should just get a job and chill. He is an amazing person but I know if I later stick with him I will be in for a life of under achievement. He is living well,a car,a good house,lots of amazing gadgets and all. But am thinking long term success. Am really confused,I don't want temporary emotion to control a permanent decision. And I don't want to lose a good guy.

Simple, be hiz baby ma ma!

What do you mean by quick and articulating?Are you saying with his present status,he has not done enough for himself?
You're still in school and have a lot of dreams and drive but do you realise the 'outside' working world is a different game altogether?
If you're still young and you don't have to get married soon,maybe you should get into the working world and test the waters first.

Simple, don't marry him.
Last Bullet
Even though you may still end up marrying him

tomatoJos:
Good evening,am relatively new on nairaland but I need advice on a pressing life issue. I have been dating a guy for about 8 months now,I know he feels strongly for me and wants to take the relationship further,yesterday he asked me if I wanted the Bella naija sort of wedding. He is thirty three and works in the bank as a marketer,living a comfortable life as a bachelor. I really like him too but I know we don't match in terms of drive. He is the slow and steady person and I am the quick and articulating spec. I intend starting something of my own after school but he thinks I should just get a job and chill. He is an amazing person but I know if I later stick with him I will be in for a life of under achievement. He is living well,a car,a good house,lots of amazing gadgets and all. But am thinking long term success. Am really confused,I don't want temporary emotion to control a permanent decision. And I don't want to lose a good guy.

Some contradictions in your post. You boyfriend is living a good life but seems like an underachiever. You want to start a business and he advices you to work first and you think that makes him slow? That is the same advice I will give you, unless you have a very sound business idea with a ready market. Working first helps you to build a network and gives you some good understanding of the business world.

I will advise you not to marry him. I do not think you are ready for marriage yet. You are still in school. Focus on your studies for now or your business ideas and let him know you are not ready for marriage. If he chooses to move on, then don't try and stop him; because you are not just yet ready for marriage.

Thank you all for your contributions,but I feel I didn't properly Express myself. What I mean by am fast and articulating is that I have big realizable dreams. While he really doesn't like to dream out of his box. His income is fine for a bachelor but I know once we get married it wouldn't do. And he wants to get married next year. And i have younger siblings to take care of.

tomatoJos:
Good evening,am relatively new on nairaland but I need advice on a pressing life issue. I have been dating a guy for about 8 months now,I know he feels strongly for me and wants to take the relationship further,yesterday he asked me if I wanted the Bella naija sort of wedding. He is thirty three and works in the bank as a marketer,living a comfortable life as a bachelor. I really like him too but I know we don't match in terms of drive. He is the slow and steady person and I am the quick and articulating spec. I intend starting something of my own after school but he thinks I should just get a job and chill. He is an amazing person but I know if I later stick with him I will be in for a life of under achievement. He is living well,a car,a good house,lots of amazing gadgets and all. But am thinking long term success. Am really confused,I don't want temporary emotion to control a permanent decision. And I don't want to lose a good guy.

Hi OP

You intend doing domething of your own but he thinks you should get a job and chill

What do you want to do? Do you have a plan, source of capital, ready or developing market or is it a typical pipedream of 'I want to start something'?

Have you asked him what he means by get a job and chill... Is he saying work first to understand the corporate world and learn stuffs to apply to your business or is he saying do not start business at all?

Working for someone doesnot mean underacheiving; Afteral, Late Dora did not own NAFDAC, Ngozi doesn't own world bank, Omotola doesn't own nollywood etc.


PLease respond to my questions

tomatoJos:
Thank you all for your contributions,but I feel I didn't properly Express myself. What I mean by am fast and articulating is that I have big realizable dreams. While he really doesn't like to dream out of his box. His income is fine for a bachelor but I know once we get married it wouldn't do. And he wants to get married next year. And i have younger siblings to take care of.

How much does he earn?

A range will be fine

This is one of those times I tend to agree that some ladies donot know what they want!

Now, you've got a great guy. He's got a job and he seems responsible, but you are afraid he's an underacheiver? By what standard? He's the one with a career and you, a student, is the overacheiver?

The advice he gave you as regards getting a job first is the advice I will give anyone fresh out of school. These businesses look good on the outside till you get in and see its not all rosy. Its always better you have a stable job and you can learn the ropes from there. You can even run that business alongside your job to see how profitable it is before fully delving into it.

How much does he earn that makes you think it won't be enough to raise a family? Does anyone ever earn enough anyways? If he's a Banker, like you said, then he can atleast feed an extra mouth. It is left for you two to look for a way to work with the little finance available. You will also start earning money after your studies and you get to support.

It might also be that you are not ready for marriage. If it is so, please, donot be cajoled into it. Leave him to get someone who is ready.

I have a little working experience,and I already have a ready network. That's why I would rather marry someone with capital and drive. He wants me to be a civil servant.

Hi OP

You intend doing domething of your own but he thinks you should get a job and chill

What do you want to do? Do you have a plan, source of capital, ready or developing market or is it a typical pipedream of 'I want to start something'?

Have you asked him what he means by get a job and chill... Is he saying work first to understand the corporate world and learn stuffs to apply to your business or is he saying do not start business at all?

Working for someone doesnot mean underacheiving; Afteral, Late Dora did not own NAFDAC, Ngozi doesn't own world bank, Omotola doesn't own nollywood etc.


PLease respond to my questions[/quote]

Less than a hundred...]

How much does he earn?

A range will be fine[/quote]

You have not answered any of the questions I asked.

Answer them well and we can go from there...

tomatoJos:
I have a little working experience,and I already have a ready network. That's why I would rather marry someone with capital and drive. He wants me to be a civil servant.

Have you tried discussing this 'business idea' with him?
Is he totally against it? Could he be right about that?

Civil servant jobs are some of the most flexible in the country. You go to work, get paid a steady income & still have a lot of extra time on your hands for 'side-businesses'. So you can have it both ways depending on how much you're willing to sacrifice to make both your relationship/marriage & career work.

Using the availability of "capital" as a measure for marital compatibility is not advisable.

tomatoJos:
Less than a hundred...

N100k monthly income in 2014 is average for a young bachelor looking to marry. Some may earn higher but lots more are earning lower. Don't eliminate him based on his income.

Kanwulia baby.your attention is needed here

tomatoJos:
I have a little working experience,and I already have a ready network. That's why I would rather marry someone with capital and drive.

You have great plans and ambitions - and you have every right to have those - but he's not actually someone you'd ideally like to marry? Although he "ticks a lot of boxes" (you understand, but do not fully appreciate the value he brings). Your real aim is to use marriage to him as a platform to achieve your ambitions (with a mind to having him as backstop if your ambitions don't materialise).

Whilst I don't actually think you are a necessarily bad person - I find this kind of approach dangerous and even detestable to be honest. But I know it's a common mindset for many entertaining/entering marriage

Long-term, if your "dreams" are not realised, you'll likely become frustrated, you'll blame him and convince yourself that he caused your dreams to go unfulfilled. It's not a great basis for a happy marriage.

If I were advising him, I'd say "run a mile - and in record time. It's all about her and not actually you or the union. You have a modicum of achievement, and "contentment". Great gain the bible says. Find someone more suitable and more in tune with your pace and long-term desires.

If things don't go according to her plan you may well end up a broken man and very likely with a broken marriage. It could even happen if things do go according to her plan, as she may see you as not "worthy" of her. Bro, please spare yourself"


I wish you well with your dreams, but it makes sense to find someone who shares them - or at least someone with the "capital & drive" you ideally want.


TV

tomatoJos:
I have a little working experience,and I already have a ready network. That's why I would rather marry someone with capital and drive. He wants me to be a civil servant.

The reason he wants you to take a civil service job is this would be more compatible with home responsibilites compared to a corporate job. He probably works with married women, sees what they go through and does not want the same for his own wife. Having said that doing a job that you hate can be soul destroying in the long run. Have you tried talking to him about his future plans or your plans? What type of man is he, modern thinking and open to or old fashioned "i yam di ed of dis 'ouse" type?

Please get to know his family BEFORE you say YES!

tomatoJos:
Thank you all for your contributions,but I feel I didn't properly Express myself. What I mean by am fast and articulating is that I have big realizable dreams. While he really doesn't like to dream out of his box. His income is fine for a bachelor but I know once we get married it wouldn't do. And he wants to get married next year. And i have younger siblings to take care of.

I want to believe what you are saying is, he is the type that is ok with 'just enough' and does not see the need to push for a better much. I want you to understand that if you have two of your 'on the go' kind in your home, it may affect your home and kids. I am saying you can complement each other, you may even be the little push he needs once in a while. BUT you have to let him know your type of person and dreams in a nice, reasurring yet firm way. If you are convinced he accepts you like this, then its ok so that he wont hinder you or be insecure/jealous of your success. AGAIN you have to be sure he is merely a contented person and NOT LAZY cos if he is the latter and he loses his job he may not find the drive/zeal to search for another and your personality wont find this accomodating. I want to believe i grouped the options well enough for you to choose.

SAMBARRY:
Kanwulia baby.your attention is needed here

What was the problem again dear?
I don't see any o. . . . .but the usual tok-tok between couples WHO ALWAYS DELUDE THEMSELVES that THEY CAN CONTROL a matrimonial snowmobile in the event of an domestic earthquake!

Sha-sha. . . . Make dem marry FIRST!
I don't really take such "musings" seriously.
Make dem finish with round 1 first.

Na audition dem dey do first!
Please, allow the OP to indulge in her most self-validating fantasies.
Every woman needs that abi?

Won't you give her wise words of admonition before she puts her legs in?

Kanwulia:


What was the problem again dear?
I don't see any o. . . . .but the usual tok-tok between couples WHO ALWAYS DELUDE THEMSELVES that THEY CAN CONTROL a matrimonial snowmobile in the event of an domestic earthquake!

Sha-sha. . . . Make dem marry FIRST!
I don't really take such "musings" seriously.
Make dem finish with round 1 first.

Na audition dem dey do first!
Please, allow the OP to indulge in her most self-validating fantasies.
Every woman needs that abi?

SAMBARRY:
Won't you give her wise words of admonition before she puts her legs in?

Naaaaaaah.
Marriage is like a Pandora-Box!

You can NEVER KNOW WHAT YOU HAVE GOTTEN INTO. . . ..or how you got there IN THE FIRST PLACE!

Why bother?

Lobatan

Kanwulia:


Naaaaaaah.
Marriage is like a Pandora-Box!

You can NEVER KNOW WHAT YOU HAVE GOTTEN INTO. . . ..or how you got there IN THE FIRST PLACE!

Why bother?

SAMBARRY:
Lobatan

Abi?
Na who h-advise you or me ke?
Shiooooooooooor.

Kanwulia:


Abi?
Na who h-advise you or me ke?
Shiooooooooooor.

He is not the right man for you. He'll surely kill your dreams; I have seen people like your man. You need to hear them talk, they do not believe in risk taking, their thought life is one dimensional. Even when they see a promising business idea, it will take grace and fear for them to invest N1000.

You guys have different passion; its not bad to desire a civil service job, but it's scary to force your taste on others. Some people are frustrated today because their parents forced a university course/discipline on them; do not make that mistake ma'am. Even if he earns N1million monthly; large amounts of money do not always yield fulfillment.

If he's open to idea exchange, relevant and thought-provoking discourse, you can give him a chance.

Kanwulia,where have you been?






I smell selfishness from the Op's side..She doesn't want to let a good guy go and she wants to establish a world-class business...
My take,
Take it a step at a time,,finish studies,get a job(I actually think he wants you to be bouyant enough before getting into business),get married,have children,dedicate sometime to them and when they are grown enough,start your business.




Why do I keep having the thought that Op wants a politician and not a banker

Odilafta:
Kanwulia,where have you been?






I smell selfishness from the Op's side..She doesn't want to let a good guy go and she wants to establish a world-class business...
My take,
Take it a step at a time,,finish studies,get a job(I actually think he wants you to be bouyant enough before getting into business),get married,have children,dedicate sometime to them and when they are grown enough,start your business.




Why do I keep having the thought that Op wants a politician and not a banker

I dey KAMKPEEEEEEEEE like OBJ!
It is the end of the year. . . . As in "END YEAR TINZZZZZ"!
Time to time up the LOSER-ENDS of 2014!!!!

2015 dey smell ooooooooooh!!!! AMINNNNNNNNNNN OOOOOOOOOOOOOH!!!!

I really appreciate your time spent on your "common sense" tips.

Oya KONTINU!

op, I really do understand you.... You seem an ambitious person but your man isn't encouraging or supporting you. He seems like a person who will rather remain at a point, he doesn't dream big.. Your man should atleast share in your dreams, be supportive and if the dream seems unachievable he can then advise against it and not just telling them off at such an early stage... or did he give you reasons why he's against your aspirations or wants you to end up a civil servant against your wish??

if a person doesn't share in your dreams or your life aspirations and those dreams/aspirations are a major part of your life which you can't compromise, LET HIM/HER GO... some people could be dream killers, backward thinkers and pessimists.. Please, don't let go of your dreams because of a person who hasn't given you a good reason to...., I will encourage to continue with your goals and I wish you success..... But you may not gain at both ends, you have to let go of one since both can't agree. ...


Ehhh, have you really spoken to him well??. I don't understand why a person won't be supportive of something promising, atleast giving it a trial?? .... Some men are actually looking for women like you who have dreams/career aspirations..

Kanwulia:


I dey KAMKPEEEEEEEEE like OBJ!
It is the end of the year. . . . As in "END YEAR TINZZZZZ"!
Time to time up the LOSER-ENDS of 2014!!!!

2015 dey smell ooooooooooh!!!! AMINNNNNNNNNNN OOOOOOOOOOOOOH!!!!

I really appreciate your time spent on your "common sense" tips.

Oya KONTINU!

Yea,yea,shopping things
abeg explain that last sentences ..E don tey wey I go school last

Since you think it will be a life of under achievement, please OP move on already. Don't marry him or think posters could give you idea how to speed him up. His lifestyle has made him what he is, yours will make you what you will be.

Odilafta:


Yea,yea,shopping things
abeg explain that last sentences ..E don tey wey I go school last

MEANING. . . . .you have invested much valuable time explaining how to use common sense, which has never been common by the way!

Op u r jst building castles in d air. U tink ur man is an underachiever n slow gosh. Can u tell us one thing u ve achieved with ur life so far apart frm dreaming and being a student. U r fast n articulate lol nothing u ve written suggests that no b by mouth. Tell us wat u ve gone into d real world n achieved dreamer

Listen if u r anywhere close to fast ur business plan shld ve been acted on n it ll even be boomin nw as a std.