Having lost both parents at different times and comforters flooding our home to say all sorts, this write up from Lara Made soooooooo much sense that I thought to share. Here it goes people.

As we journey in this life,

We are bound to come across people who are hurting from the loss of a dear one.

People who are bereaved and are mourning.

Now, our faith and culture demand we pay them a visit and console them at such trying moments.

Our primary aim is to offer words of consolation and that our presence offers some form of strength for the bereaved.

Unfortunately, many of such visits end up breaking the bereaved more than consoling them.

I have been In such a situation myself and believe me when I say miserable comforters abound.

I have been around bereaved folks and the kind of stuff visitors spewed from their mouths at such somber moments is totally unbelievable.

So unbelievable that I have had to pinch, pull the skirt or literally step on the toes of some people ejecting verbal contents in very large, meaningless and uncontrollable quantity around someone crying from a loss.

Let me make it clear that there is nothing you are going to say to someone who is bereaved that he or she has never heard; it is well, God knows best, God gives and He takes, your friend is in a better place, cherish the memory of the time you spent together, be strong, etc. they have heard them before and have probably said so to others who had mourned. Okay?

When I mourned the loss of a child, I heard preposterous stuff like " Aunty, I heard your son died, Don't worry you hear? God will give you another one", "I heard your son died and you didn't tell me", and so many other stuff I hate to recall.

A woman is crying from the loss of a child, you walk in singing "God is good, He has done me well oh my soul, rise up and praise The Lord" and then you ask the crying mother to stand and sing with you and dance to The Lord...(Good song in a wrong setting)

Or, you walk in and ask the crying mother to "stand up jor, dance to your God and shame the devil..". Haba!

"Don't cry" is misplaced counsel.

When you are around people who mourn, it is the wrongness time to start talking about "oh God, how am I going to break the news to the others that you lost a child..?".

Listen!

Your presence alone speaks volumes so you can keep sealed lips!

Holding the bands of a bereaved one in total silence offers strength!

Lying down beside a grieving lady and just holding her means so much.

Looking into her eyes and just nodding is a message so loud she hears and understands.

When You then want to pray for the bereaved, please watch your choice of song.

Watch your choice of words.

The morning after a male friend lost a wife who left him with three kids, I was there and a 'fire-fire-lady' prayed something in this line "it is given unto man to die only once (and I nodded my head in affirmation), right now, I break every connection between the living and the dead, noooooow! ( I opened one eye at this point. It was barely 6 hours that this man held the body of his lifeless wife in his hands. That sounded so insensitive...)

For friends and relatives of people who mourn, please shield your person from jailer able comforters.

Help pick their calls and keep records.

My kid sister was one of those who stayed with me in my trying moment.

When we could laugh a bit, she told me of how she tactically turned back a lady whom she saw carrying two Bibles and marching towards where I was like a "soldier". She said "the moment I saw her, I knew she would make you cry so I told her you were sleeping and took down her name and message.

My dear friend, Jiire Kuforiji was holding my hands when one pastor came in and began some tear-jerking songs. I mean, songs that ordinarily make you cry. He went from one song to the other and I broke down again and again. She went to him, tapped him on his shoulder and said "enough!"

Summary?

Please let us be sensitive.

The aim of our visit or phone call is to cheer up and to tear down.

It is not ever time we are around the bereaved that we find the right words to say to them. At such moments, please let us keep sealed lips...our presence is more than enough strength, trust me, it is.

‪#‎Larawisesays‬

I agree with you OP.

My condolences to Larawise, don't know her anyway.

I believe presence of form, without even discussing the source of grief, does it. That is what I do sometimes, just spend quality time with the person.
I remember when I was a kid and we went to condole some bereaved people in the village, I tagged behind my elder sister. After pleasantries, it was time to say sorry. In want of what to say to embellish my "sorry", I said: "please sorry". When we left, she asked me why I should add "please", if I was the person who killed the dead man. Lol! I pinched myself and watched my tongue thereafter, I was around 8 or so.

People should learn to console, as well as to congratulate people. The right words at the right time will sooth a grieving or merrying soul.

On a lighter mood:
My friend's brother once went visiting a relative who put to bed. They knew they had to visit, but what to say there, they knew not.
After moping at the woman for what seemed a long time, they said "sorry for what happened".
The woman was surprised but burst into laughter when she realised nothing else other than her child delivery happened. She knew the boys lacked experience.