He said that tonight after a heated argument, he even went as far as beating me up cos I locked his cloth. I asked him about his finances, how he spends money et al. I cant even type it all. I need to speak with matured christian woman. I am totally fed up. Our marriage is less than a year. We dated for two years. Someone should pls help me out. I dont want to leave my child behind. I need help. I am tired. I want a peaceful home and a good husband. Oh Lord, i never bargained for this, Oluwa saanu funmi.

Oluwa wil saanu for those who saanu for themselves....shikena.....n to see that topic has not hit the FP makes me wana ban all this mods


argh?!!!!!!!

You locked his cloth how? Do you mean holding onto his shirt in that manner that suggests combat-readiness?
If so,that's a silly and dangerous thing to do especially with an aggressive man.
Such a man will beat you up to detangle himself from your hold.

If that's not what you meant,pls pardon me.

The rest of your post is kind of sketchy but it seems finance is the big problem.
Do you work and contribute to the home financing?
Does he provide or is your problem the fact that you don't know what he does with the rest of the money after he pays the bills?
Did he run into recent financial problems and is blaming you for them? I'm aware some ppl believe in such things.

Arguing and screaming and "locking of cloths" won't help in passing your points across to each other.

There's a serious lack of details so if you're kind enough to provide them,maybe some people can help you here.

I have a job, earn more than him. He got a loan for our house rent. Anytime i propose tp him that we should start saving, he turns it down. I contribute to d family upkeep. Sometimes, i take care of bills without asking for refund. All i asked him was how he spent his salary for last month . I am yet to collect mine so I cant buy stuffs needed in d house. He told me he used all to settle debts and I asked him if there is any oda debt apart from the one I knew of. He kept mute. I got very angry. Seriously, i am tired of our financial state. That was what brought out the rage in me tonight

Apart from the issue of physical abuse - from both parties - that's a major, major red flag - I'd say patience is very critical. Am not married yet but in my relationship, one of the most important thing I've learnt is patience. Your marraige is still young and I wish you best of luck.


Also, work on the your ability to communicate your feeling without hurting each other. Learn the right approach, the right time to bring up the certain issues.

Finance is always a serious issue in mariage, nevertheless, device a way of communicating your feeling without hurting his ego. Men are naturally aggressive when they can't take care of their obligations as at when due. The first year of marriage is always very tough and couples have to be very careful...by the way, did you guys do marriage counseling before your wedding?

Note, he might have blamed you for his problem if you had pushed him into living a fake life, either by taking a 5 bed duplex when his or your joint income could only pay for a 2 bedroom apartment, equally if you had done an elaborate wedding instead of cutting your dress according to your cloth. Whatever the case may be talk with your husband and spare the world another child brought up without parental love.

Maybe you should start saving by yourself. No matter how little you're able to put away,it will be worth something eventually. Don't fight him anymore about what he did with his last month income. The more you fight the more he puts up resistance.
Like they say,communication is the key.
He needs to understand financial responsibility and team work. Not leaving it all for one person. at least if he took on extra debt apart from the house loan ,he should have let you know seeing as it is something that affects you both. None of you should be in the dark when it comes to loans and debts incurred by the other party which may affect the home finance.

If he won't man up and live up to his responsibility,do the much you can henceforth making sure you don't touch the money you put away for saving and the one you need to provide the basics for your kid and leave the rest for him. If he's fine with folding his arms and watching his home fall apart before his eyes,then good for him.



As for beating you up. Hmm. I don't know but I will never knowingly advice a woman to ignore such a thing or pray about it. It happened once so it can happen again. What are you going to do? Try not to provoke him into beating you up again or learn karate to defend yourself?

olu77:
Finance is always a serious issue in mariage, nevertheless, device a way of communicating your feeling without hurting his ego. Men are naturally aggressive when they can't take care of their obligations as at when due. The first year of marriage is always very tough and couples have to be very careful...by the way, did you guys do marriage counseling before your wedding?

No we didnt do counselling. I got preggy before marriage.

@cococandy, thanks so much.

Tiredwify:


No we didnt do counselling. I got preggy before marriage.

@cococandy, thanks so much.

you're welcome

Tiredwify:


No we didnt do counselling. I got preggy before marriage.

@cococandy, thanks so much.

Ok. That is probably one of the issues, calm him down and talk things over. You will still have to make him marry you legally in order for him to respect you the way you deserve.

hmmmm.my dear just calm down ok.marriage is really hard n I will say the first few yrs re the toughest. depending on how quickly u two get it sinked down dat u re now in the school of wrk! !! wear the garment of patience n make ur last name titanium. pray ofen n talk less or say no wrd.....put water in ur mouth n calm ur nerves.ask God to lead u through this unkown journey n u wld b a conqueror some yrs to come. all the best honey! !

@op i greet you.

I can only speak from the angle of a man, a husband, and somebody who has not only being married for more than a decade, but as some one also willing to learn about what it takes to make a marriage work. Infidelity and Finances is the two major culprits why most, if not all broken marriages crash.

We can factor a lot of OTHER reasons into the two aforementioned causes of a broken home. You are angry? yes you do have a right to be angry. But going as far as locking up his clothes up, shows a little of your character. But i digress as i am not here to cast aspersions at you. There is a difference between DATING a MAN and BEING his WIFE, there are a lot of REASONS the BIBLE and the KORAN says MARRIAGE is for BETTER or WORSE.

Everybody has pride, but for men and i mean especially the HEADS of house holds have a very big pride and the consider it a very big insult that they are finding it difficult to provide for their families. Sometimes, some husbands talk about their financial problems with their wives and some? They feel ashamed to talk about and so prefer to go outside to borrow and in some cases even steal just to keep up the appearances of that everything is good while hoping their situation will/can change.

Sometimes the situation don't change and this husbands eventually have to come back home and deal with the wives they initially did not want to know their financial situations. And this @ OP is where wisdom comes in, as GOD GAVE women more Wisdom than men even if we not SAY it to your faces.

Communication: You need to learn the art/act of communicating with your husband without resorting to verbal whiplashing and/or in his good mood time, talk to him about the finances of the house hold. Encourage him to talk about his financial situation without holding anything back, and nominate to help him both in advices and deeds in ensuring he starts working towards bettering himself in the financial department, you will be surprised what and how far a husband will go if ONLY he has the support of his wife.

Do not MOCK him or compare him or your marriages to others, like some of your friends marriages as every marriages has its ups and downs, but some are good in keeping their own little SECRETS to themselves and appear NORMAL to others.


Maybe the reason he has financial situations is his level of education? tell him to get more education. Maybe its his life style? i,e drinking? partying? expensive taste in life's pleasure? talk to him about it without appearing to be bossy. Maybe its the business he is into? maybe a change of business is calling. Just try talking to him in his good time without making him useless.

So you have harbored thoughts of walking away if not for your child? let me tell you a story here.

I have a lady working for me in the domestic capacity. She is in her early 30's and have 4 kids somewhere in Nigeria. She is very pretty and she knows it, so one day the husband lost his job in the banking sector and after a few months things became really tough for them. This lady was a seat at home mom. The man took out his frustration on bottles and one day this lady just disappeared back to her parents place without the kids. The man tried to make her see reasons, but she said she was not created for suffering and so the man had to let her be. He took the kids to be with his mom in the village and gradually picked his life back in Lagos.

Trust Lagos girls, one lady saw the opening and moved in with the man and according to what she said they have a son together now and she cannot/dare not go near the man's house anymore. She lives in the US and talks about her HUSBAND and Kids every 10 seconds while the MAN has moved on without her.

LESSON: Tough times don't last and a WISE woman builds her home.

you know him better do you think he can change, try sit down as adults and discuss how to handle finances, sorry for your situation

Tiredwify:


No we didnt do counselling. I got preggy before marriage.

thanks so much.

l could read little of other peoples comment. (1). If you are a christian, cry out to God for mercy cos you ignited the fire that's burning. See what the scripture says;"Marriage is honourable in all, and the bed undefiled: but whoremongers and adulterers God will judge." (Hebrews 13:4).. Sorry to say this but Pre-marital sex is one of the causes marriages crash, the Bible is strictly against it.
(2) Pray to God for WISDOM(Prov 24:3, 8:11,15-16). You can't buy this from the mkt
(3). If you registered on NL to solve marital conflicts, goodluck then but I have a suggestion; You had a carry over to write, apply 4it i.e go to a good marriage counselor with proven results of restored marriages, a female will do you best. To avoid stories tђa† touches the heart.
NB: l have not met it in any Bible that says marriage is for better for worse. Challenges will come but its not scriptural (Gen 2:19)That quotation is man's originated from their experience, is not Biblical. Just like a man that fell into the hand of a wrong woman would say "women are evil." Is that 100% correct? No!
Read for your personal pleasure too
Prov 24:3-6, 31:10-31, Eccl 4:9-12,Eph 5:22-32 (Pray, study and meditate,iff you believe in the Bible)
Also know tђa† men knows how to shift blame since the days of Adam(Gen 3:12-13), so accept responsibilities to work out things (Amos 3:3)

#GOODLUCK

Nice one @SapeleDon

I feel for you and I must tell you that you are not alone when it comes to these issues in marriage. As SapeleDon has said you need to be patient. Some men don't like being accountable with their money. I understand your sentiment, you help him a lot in the home. So it is natural for you to want him to come and make explanations on how he spends his money.

First, I will tell you that you were wrong in locking his clothes. You shouldn't have and you should never try it again. No matter how angry you are or he makes you, just walk away.

Like SapeleDon said and I concur, communicate with him later and discuss all the issues bothering you. But remember it isn't all men that likes listening to women. So if you like preach till tomorrow he might still do what he wants to do. So get your mind prepared for it.

Don't be tired of the marriage and one day these challenges will reduce they might not disappear I am being realistic here.

Solution! You don't need to agree with me but it will give you peace if mind.
First, try having a working solution on how the home will be run. He brings 70% you bring 30% or whatsoever you guys agree it. In this case you are trying to be an helper but if this doesn't work. Then start saving for yourself and your child. Contribute 40% of your salary to your fix deposit and work with the remaining. Please don't tell him you are doing that. Use the remaining ones to take care of the yourself, child and help him in the house. Make sure you still ask for money for things in the house. If he doesn't bring, don't quarrel about it. Give it time and unless it is very critical like baby food or baby health don't do it. He will bring it.

Once in a while chip in your financial advise if he takes be glad and if he doesn't let it move past.

Remember since he is man enough not to discuss his finances in the house. Let him be man enough to his responsibilities. Assist him but let him handle the major issues.

Remember to save for your future. That is the key.

Tiredwify:
He said that tonight after a heated argument, he even went as far as beating me up cos I locked his cloth. I asked him about his finances, how he spends money et al. I cant even type it all. I need to speak with matured christian woman. I am totally fed up. Our marriage is less than a year. We dated for two years. Someone should pls help me out. I dont want to leave my child behind. I need help. I am tired. I want a peaceful home and a good husband. Oh Lord, i never bargained for this, Oluwa saanu funmi.

SapeleDon has done justice to this thread. Weldone.

Locking hubby's shirt is disrespectful and an invitation to be beaten.

During your courtship, did you both discuss how your home/finances will run? Joint accounts; project account; individual contributions etc.

I would say you work on the way you communicate with your husband especially in the area of finance. If you don't have a joint account then he might not feel accountable to you after he has dropped his share of housekeeping money.

Habe you always earned more or is this a recent development? If you have always earned more, do you tie your respect to finance? Do you think a man must always earn more? Contribute more? This is also affect how you relate with him and he can sure see through it. That's why he might be behaving that way regarding finance.

I don't think it is time for you running about praying (pls don't get me wrong; prayers are effective) this is a time to sitdown and rebuild the foundation of your home.

If your church offers post martial classes, please attend together. One sided teaching is a waste of time IMO.

Also learn to save monthly.

It is well

Prayers..........Communications...........Humility............Prayers.......communications........Humility...........Prayers.......communications.....Humility
Prayers..........Communications...........Humility............Prayers.......communications........Humility...........Prayers.......communications.....Humility
Prayers..........Communications...........Humility............Prayers.......communications........Humility...........Prayers.......communications.....Humility







Read them over and Over, you will get the message .......... That's all you need!

wise words @ Sapeledon....

op, how on earth did you lock up your husband's clothes? ? That shows you have no respect for him probably because of his financial situation. ..Just too bad

Your husband is going through a hard time and you're adding to his problems, imagine locking his clothes and demanding he tells you what he spends his money on?? nawa oooo because you earn more than he does??

you gat to stay strong with him, this is the time he needs you most... Believe me, 'together' you can improve your financial situation. .. All these gra gra won't solve any prob..... Goodluck

Discuss with his family memebers and yours. Try to do what pleases him. Look deep inside yourself and see where you get it wrong and correct it. If things is still getting worse through beating, then my 1 kobo is "walk away" and take your child along with you.

I always feel sad hearing stories like this. I knw women are frustrating sometimes. While yu thinking towards west, some women will be thinking towards east. The OP locked her husband's cloths, FINE! but yet, I see no reason for her husband to beat her up. Why can't he just calm her down and explain how he spent his salary? What's the big deal there. Irresponsible men beat their wives. I have never slapped or beaten a lady before and I'm still praying to GOD to give the grace not to do such in my life.

OP, I'm so sorry about your situation, God will take control.

dridowu:
Discuss with his family memebers and yours. Try to do what pleases him. Look deep inside yourself and see where you get it wrong and correct it. If things is still getting worse through beating, then my 1 kobo is "walk away" and take your child along with you.

Doing what please him? Sometimes when you are the one doing everything to please the other partner resentment sets in. Lets believe the beating and the locking clothes was one off and it will never happen again.

Some men wants to eat their cake and have it. You don't want to be financially accountable yet you want the other partner to assist fully without asking questions. It is natural for her to want to know what he did with his salary before she could pick up a major bill. I understand what the op is going through.

tolutweety:
@marvellousGod : attending to family issues since 2005 !
@op.. Nothing to contribute o, i just came in to say hii to my lady.

Hi too


make we go to our derailing room

Please put your kids and yourself first this is not a matter of prayer and fasting but common sense do not let this man wreck you financially you have kids you don't want to live a crisis filled life anytime money is required in the home you already know your husband is reckless with money so you take care of your money save, plan and do what wise people do with their money let your husband sort his financial issues out but not bring you down with it. Avoid confrontations with him but do right by yourself and the kids you owe them that much at least.

My dear the Foundation is not right, hence the shaky building.

You said you got married becasue you got pregnant for him which suggests that he wasnt ready financially but had to shell out for a wedding which my have affected his finances. You said he has debts. He may still be paying for the wedding costs.

It seems that you are not very close and you dont share problems and issues. He should be comfortable and open enough to let you know the people he owes money to so that you can both work together at paying this off. If you know his financial capability then you wont be asking him for things that he cant afford. He needs to voice out his issues.

He may still also be annoyed that he was "forced" into marriage (Yes i know it takes 2 to tango, but people forget that) and always blame the woman for trapping the man.

As for beating . . you need to stop this here and now. When you lock a man you are telling him you have power and are ready to fight. If he breaks your head, its you head o!
Anyway this is not the way to go on. Illiterates do that. You are an educated and sensible woman. You need to sit down and work out issues maturedly and with you both respecting each other. He on the other hand should be the bigger person and walk away when things are getting too heated. I dont substibe to a man beating a woman for whatever reason. Anger can kill and there are many people in kirikiri today becasue of this.

its your home, your husband and your marriage. one year is too early for all this. Treat each other as one. its not YOUR problem or MY problem but OUR problem.
Suuru le yon fin se okuta jina. Damiso will translate for me. Know how to deal with your husband. I wish you all the best.

Dear tiredwify you can't be tired,First you should never had held his shirt or locked it as you call it.
Secondly,this man had and has no respect for you as a woman and his wife.
Thirdly,me thinks you two had no mutual agreement about how and what you guys would do with your finances.
N.B Dating for 2 years is not a gurantee you know a person too well
Now tiredwify calm down because i sense you can breathe coal,try talking to your husband,tell him you never meant locking his shirt and then you two sit down and iron out your problems like man and wife.

Tiredwify:
I have a job, earn more than him. He got a loan for our house rent. Anytime i propose tp him that we should start saving, he turns it down. I contribute to d family upkeep. Sometimes, i take care of bills without asking for refund. All i asked him was how he spent his salary for last month . I am yet to collect mine so I cant buy stuffs needed in d house. He told me he used all to settle debts and I asked him if there is any oda debt apart from the one I knew of. He kept mute. I got very angry. Seriously, i am tired of our financial state. That was what brought out the rage in me tonight

Calm down ma, a year is still very early to understand your man, talk to him in love.

cococandy:
Maybe you should start saving by yourself. No matter how little you're able to put away,it will be worth something eventually. Don't fight him anymore about what he did with his last month income. The more you fight the more he puts up resistance.
Like they say,communication is the key.
He needs to understand financial responsibility and team work. Not leaving it all for one person. at least if he took on extra debt apart from the house loan ,he should have let you know seeing as it is something that affects you both. None of you should be in the dark when it comes to loans and debts incurred by the other party which may affect the home finance.

If he won't man up and live up to his responsibility,do the much you can henceforth making sure you don't touch the money you put away for saving and the one you need to provide the basics for your kid and leave the rest for him. If he's fine with folding his arms and watching his home fall apart before his eyes,then good for him.



As for beating you up. Hmm. I don't know but I will never knowingly advice a woman to ignore such a thing or pray about it. It happened once so it can happen again. What are you going to do? Try not to provoke him into beating you up again or learn karate to defend yourself?

'Man enuf to his responsibilities' how madam?

A man that says a woman is the cause of his problems is surely frustrated and YES u 'might' actually be a part of his problems.
Who takes a loan to pay for Rent? A man hardly suggests such or aint I right?, wouldn't it have been better if u lived in a less expensive part of town and buy a small car to ferry u to work? Or u are the 'Am all class' kinda chic?
In your One year of marriage,how much have u contributed,financially or morally?
Y wud u lock a mans shirt in the heat of an argument? Or u actually wanted to beat him abi? You are lucky he didn't slap you into another nationality like I would have done if I was in his shoes(I don't subscribe to physical abuse anyway).

Woman you are already thinkin of who takes the child when u can sort out your selves in a matured manner.

Men: The easiest way to loose a woman to another is thru physical abuse. Its a NO NO.