Hi everyone,

I suspect my BF of cheating on me because in the past 6 months some things happened that make me thing so :

1. we are in a long distance relationship (could give you the background but it would be too long). It was OK for almost 4 of the 5 years we spent together. We would see each other every other week and have a good time. Our main issue: our unmatched libidos.
We had a fight about that, once again, in may and i was so mad that i went too far and told him that i couldn't take it anymore. That maybe trying to conceive in these conditions wasn't a good idea after all; also told him that anyway i couldn't have a child with someone who doesn't want to marry me… Don't remember all the details but it ended with me basically telling him that we needed a break.
after that, he never came to see me again in…six month.
I knew i hurt him so i decided to apologize and do my best to make it up to him. I was the one traveling every time to see him. I did that with no problem for like 3 months and then i started to think he was taking it too far.

2.Then i had an anonymous call and a voice mail one sunday, from a woman calling me with my nickname (only known by my family and my BF). This woman was asking me if he was with me and if she could talk to me.
When asked, he told me it was is youngest sister, that he gave her his old cell phone last time he visited them in ivory coast. I know this is a lie cause he never introduced me to his sisters and we never talk or interact.

3. In september, he went MIA for 2 weeks. We use to call each other every day, at least once but during that time he would never take is phone when i called. He would call me back hours later for 1mn and hang up. He asked me multiple times to text him instead. The few times we talked on the phone, the line was so bad, like when you call in africa ! At some point, i heard very distinctly the sea in the background when he was supposed to be in Paris ! I confronted him about it. He basically told me he had enough of my criticism and suspicions and that if i was so miserable with him i should find a better fit

4. The cherry on the cake is that he told me few weeks ago that he would not be there for christmas nor near years eve (we used to spend them together). He said he had to go to ivory coast for traditional ceremonies. I know they suffered some losses in their family this year but this ceremonie's timing comes very conveniently !

So here i am, feeling in my guts that he's cheating but with no decisive evidence of it. I don't know what to do…Do i pretend to be blind like my sisters and african friends tell me to, or do i track him down in order to expose him like my french friends tell me ?
The only good point (not sure but let it be in the + side) is that although he say's is not ready to get married, he want us to have a child. We're both 35 and i have some fertility issues so it's about time for me…
We've been TTC since may and have seek an RE to help with the matter. He's totally cooperative and even took medical exams and whatever.

So i'm totally confused here. If he's in a relationship that is so important to him that he would:
- lie to me and travel to spend 2 weeks with her
- let me down and travel again to spend new years eve with her
- take the risk to make me so mad that we almost broke up
why does he then keep TTC with me ?
What could be his plan than ? If i get pregnant, he will not be able to keep it from her…
BTW i'm searching a job in Paris too. The first time i asked him what our living arrangement would then be he told we that "of course", we would move in together. Then again, let's say i find a job in a month, i'll be in Paris by march. If he tells me to take my own place, we're done and i think he knows it. If i move in, it will not be possible for him to keep dealing with this situation…
Again, what (sick) game is he playing ? What should i do ? Is it possible that i am really making all this up ?

Abeg ur thing is too big

too long na

Both of u re 35yrs old

kudoxs:
Go and Die!

Seriously?
Because of a guy??

men ar confusd beings. Wel sis if u nt comfortable dnt manage. A brkn engagent is beta dat brkn mariage. U no he's nt ready n u cant just pretend no 2 c it. Again i say dnt bear wat u wnt b able to bear til death do u part.

Dump him

summary

My dear just give him a kid, every relationship must not lead to marriage

He's faithful until he's been proven to be a cheat

Long distance relationships are difficult to maintain.

Leave him you don't want the same things, you want to marry, he does not want to marry.

Find a man who wants the same thing you want in a relationship I know you feel bad about the effort and investment you have put in but what's the fun in being with such a reluctant man. Feels heavy and sad to me.

OK sorry all for the long post !
Yes we're both 35 and yes all this is childish, i agree.
i tried to talk to him, more than once. I asked him about his feelings for me and where he stands on our relationship.
He keeps saying i'm making stuff up, that he doesn't know what else to do or say to make me trust him. For him the simple fact that he is willing to TTC is the proof of his commitment.

Okay.. To start with, you're 35, dumping him now with the hope of finding another man to marry you isn't ideal. How long do you think its gonna take to meet a new guy, and know him enough to want to spend the rest of your life with him? Probably months or years.
And your time is counting.
According to you, he's not ready for marriage yet, but that doesn't mean he will never get married. Or did he say so too? I think he's just scared of the responsibilities that comes with building a family. Since he'd like for you to move in with him and bear him a child, I think if he's ever gonna get married, it'd be to you. You just have to help him overcome his fear of the word 'marriage' and do the needful.

chymystique:
gosh! In as much as I don't ve any probs reading epistles but this is damn too long and boring!! Wait oo did u say you both are 35? ... Hmmm, na wa oo..all these headache for one man whom its so obvious doesn't love you.. You both ve so many issues esp the libido difference.. Madam, I think its time for you to call it quits. Then try and sort out your fertlity issue alone.. You can still ve a baby through other means after your treatment. Am even wondering why you really want to ve this man's baby cause to me he is just a loser.. Unless you desperately wanna be his baby mama cause it seems even in the near future he won't be ready to marry you

You must be really intelligent from the rare..you just heard the story from one side and you already vomiting this rubbish

According to the OP does the guy sounds like a looser or a catch she cant loose since she is already in her 35?

@OP whatever it is you just need to talk things over with your man and try to be less defensive and be more objective and civil. Wish you all the best.

nomabeeee:
Both of u re 35yrs old

Lmao Dafuq

MzPreshie:
Okay.. To start with, you're 35, dumping him now with the hope of finding another man to marry you isn't ideal. How long do you think its gonna take to meet a new guy, and know him enough to want to spend the rest of your life with him? Probably months or years.
And your time is counting.
According to you, he's not ready for marriage yet, but that doesn't mean he will never get married. Or did he say so too? I think he's just scared of the responsibilities that comes with building a family. Since he'd like for you to move in with him and bear him a child, I think if he's ever gonna get married, it'd be to you. You just have to help him overcome his fear of the word 'marriage' and do the needful.

That's exactly what i'm thinking right now. Most of the responders here seem to agree that i should dump him but then what ?
My fertility issues make things even more difficult since i have this condition that makes my ovaries age kicker. If i want a child, i have a year or so to do it, probably via IVF I'm kind of stuck here. I don't know how to deal with "the other girl". Pretending to be blind is difficult cause he's acting more and more like he's getting in to her but harassing him about it doesn't help cause he get's mad at me.
He said he want to get married eventually but that he's not ready yet.

gbingafa:


That's exactly what i'm thinking right now. Most of the responders here seem to agree that i should dump him but then what ?
My fertility issues make things even more difficult since i have this condition that makes my ovaries age kicker. If i want a child, i have a year or so to do it, probably via IVF I'm kind of stuck here. I don't know how to deal with "the other girl". Pretending to be blind is difficult cause he's acting more and more like he's getting in to her but harassing him about it doesn't help cause he get's mad at me.
He said he want to get married eventually but that he's not ready yet.

How sure are you that there's another girl? Didn't I read here that he's having some family ish or did my mind make that up? There are many things that could be distracting him, not disputing it could be a girl though. But first be sure there's another girl, a real one. Not the one that lives in your imaginations.

You don't have to leave him if you don't want to but what if in the next one year you don't get a kid what happens then? You sound panicked, fearful,worried about the future, fact is future and the man are out of your control but you can control you. You mentioned a job somewhere please go for that.The other girl if she exists is not your problem or your business, your life is.

And you know the man does have a right to choose whoever he wants to marry even if its not you i know this sounds harsh but its the cold truth and sadly there is nothing you can do about it but great news! you can do something about your own life.

You ask why does he ttc with you he may be confused as well, he may be feeling sorry for you. The question is why are you ttcing with a man you are not sure of?
You ask what sick game is he playing? the question is why are you with a man who you feel is playing games with your emotions? the man is not playing any game he is living his life, you are not happy with what is on offer so why do you keep participating in this situation.

See the earlier you get out the quicker you find yourself when a man wants you, you can't be confused and yes trust your guts.

MzPreshie:
How sure are you that there's another girl? Didn't I read here that he's having some family ish or did my mind make that up? There are many things that could be distracting him, not disputing it could be a girl though. But first be sure there's another girl, a real one. Not the one that lives in your imaginations.

I'm not a 100% sure but:
- He started acting different with me like he doesn't really care anymore. For instance he used to be the one pushing for us to spend more and more time together. Now if i don't make the move, we can stay a whole month without seeing each other.
The way he talks to me changed too, now he's more abrupt.
- He went on vacation for two weeks without telling me
- I used to book last minute trips to see him. Now he gets mad when i do that. I need to tell him long before and wait for a "permission"
- when we're together he will lock himself up in the bedroom or in the bathroom to make calls...
I don't have any decisive evidence, so when i try to talk about it, i end up being the bad guy. But i just feel something's fishy

gbingafa:
Hi everyone,

I suspect my BF of cheating on me because in the past 6 months some things happened that make me thing so :

1. we are in a long distance relationship (could give you the background but it would be too long). It was OK for almost 4 of the 5 years we spent together. We would see each other every other week and have a good time. Our main issue: our unmatched libidos.
We had a fight about that, once again, in may and i was so mad that i went too far and told him that i couldn't take it anymore. That maybe trying to conceive in these conditions wasn't a good idea after all; also told him that anyway i couldn't have a child with someone who doesn't want to marry me… Don't remember all the details but it ended with me basically telling him that we needed a break.
after that, he never came to see me again in…six month.
I knew i hurt him so i decided to apologize and do my best to make it up to him. I was the one traveling every time to see him. I did that with no problem for like 3 months and then i started to think he was taking it too far.

2.Then i had an anonymous call and a voice mail one sunday, from a woman calling me with my nickname (only known by my family and my BF). This woman was asking me if he was with me and if she could talk to me.
When asked, he told me it was is youngest sister, that he gave her his old cell phone last time he visited them in ivory coast. I know this is a lie cause he never introduced me to his sisters and we never talk or interact.

3. In september, he went MIA for 2 weeks. We use to call each other every day, at least once but during that time he would never take is phone when i called. He would call me back hours later for 1mn and hang up. He asked me multiple times to text him instead. The few times we talked on the phone, the line was so bad, like when you call in africa ! At some point, i heard very distinctly the sea in the background when he was supposed to be in Paris ! I confronted him about it. He basically told me he had enough of my criticism and suspicions and that if i was so miserable with him i should find a better fit

4. The cherry on the cake is that he told me few weeks ago that he would not be there for christmas nor near years eve (we used to spend them together). He said he had to go to ivory coast for traditional ceremonies. I know they suffered some losses in their family this year but this ceremonie's timing comes very conveniently !

So here i am, feeling in my guts that he's cheating but with no decisive evidence of it. I don't know what to do…Do i pretend to be blind like my sisters and african friends tell me to, or do i track him down in order to expose him like my french friends tell me ?
The only good point (not sure but let it be in the + side) is that although he say's is not ready to get married, he want us to have a child. We're both 35 and i have some fertility issues so it's about time for me…
We've been TTC since may and have seek an RE to help with the matter. He's totally cooperative and even took medical exams and whatever.

So i'm totally confused here. If he's in a relationship that is so important to him that he would:
- lie to me and travel to spend 2 weeks with her
- let me down and travel again to spend new years eve with her
- take the risk to make me so mad that we almost broke up
why does he then keep TTC with me ?
What could be his plan than ? If i get pregnant, he will not be able to keep it from her…
BTW i'm searching a job in Paris too. The first time i asked him what our living arrangement would then be he told we that "of course", we would move in together. Then again, let's say i find a job in a month, i'll be in Paris by march. If he tells me to take my own place, we're done and i think he knows it. If i move in, it will not be possible for him to keep dealing with this situation…
Again, what (sick) game is he playing ? What should i do ? Is it possible that i am really making all this up ?

too long can't read

gbingafa:


I'm not a 100% sure but:
- He started acting different with me like he doesn't really care anymore. For instance he used to be the one pushing for us to spend more and more time together. Now if i don't make the move, we can stay a whole month without seeing each other.
The way he talks to me changed too, now he's more abrupt.
- He went on vacation for two weeks without telling me
- I used to book last minute trips to see him. Now he gets mad when i do that. I need to tell him long before and wait for a "permission"
- when we're together he will lock himself up in the bedroom or in the bathroom to make calls...
I don't have any decisive evidence, so when i try to talk about it, i end up being the bad guy. But i just feel something's fishy

Okay.. Now, these are some questionable changes. The only solution I can suggest now is that you have a heart to heart with him. Sometimes, before 'assuming', you should try this thing called 'asking'.

MzPreshie:
Okay.. Now, these are some questionable changes. The only solution I can suggest now is that you have a heart to heart with him. Sometimes, before 'assuming', you should try this thing called 'asking'.

Believe me i tried. He sends me mixed signals. say he loves me...then keep acting strange. I thought it was all because of me and what i told him about taking a break etc. I tried to suck it up and make it up to him but six months is a loooong time and i'm done.

I think i'll take a step back and see what happens. My focus needs to shift back to myself.
I'll go for the new job and try to have my bb. I want a child and don't have extra time to be picky or wait for prince charming.
After that, if he wants to stick around, fine. if he doesn't, we'll call it quits. I wanted the "perfect" family for my children but sometimes God just has another plan for you. So maybe my man is out there. A divorced or widower with some kids of his own that will treat me the way i deserve to be treated.

gbingafa:


Believe me i tried. He sends me mixed signals. say he loves me...then keep acting strange. I thought it was all because of me and what i told him about taking a break etc. I tried to suck it up and make it up to him but six months is a loooong time and i'm done.

I think i'll take a step back and see what happens. My focus needs to shift back to myself.
I'll go for the new job and try to have my bb. I want a child and don't have extra time to be picky or wait for prince charming.
After that, if he wants to stick around, fine. if he doesn't, we'll call it quits. I wanted the "perfect" family for my children but sometimes God just has another plan for you. So maybe my man is out there. A divorced or widower with some kids of his own that will treat me the way i deserve to be treated.

Okay dear. Best of luck.

Move this to the family section dear,u really won't get the advice you seek here..

gbingafa:



He said he want to get married eventually but that he's not ready yet.

this should explain everything to you...