Why do kids hate their stepfather? What can be done to eradicate the hate?

Does a mother have the right to choose a side? Her child or her husband?

Imagine a kid going to his mother and complaining about his step father, and then the step father scowling his wife for listening to her child.

Do steps automatically lead to the broken communication between a mother and her child?

It is a very tricky situation you cant take sides because one person will have to suffer. Either your children or the husband, You just have to keep telling your children and your husband they are all part of your life .If you don't listen to the children it will break down communication , they will feel you chose a man over them.Your husband should be able to understand as he is older that the children will feel a form of resentment towards him.Just keep talking and showing your love and affection towards them,and try not taking anybodies side if you can i know it is a very very difficult thing to do.In my own experience my father took his children's side which i loved (when i was younger)even if i knew it damaged his marriage in a way but i felt he owed it to us to protect us from her.

Arlington:

It is a very tricky situation you can't take sides because one person will have to suffer. Either your children or the husband, You just have to keep telling your children and your husband they are all part of your life .If you don't listen to the children it will break down communication , they will feel you chose a man over them.Your husband should be able to understand as he is older that the children will feel a form of resentment towards him.Just keep talking and showing your love and affection towards them,and try not taking anybodies side if you can i know it is a very very difficult thing to do.In my own experience my father took his children's side which i loved (when i was younger)even if i knew it damaged his marriage in a way but i felt he owed it to us to protect us from her.

Same thing here. . . .

If it damaged her marriage, at that time, I really didn't care. And I thank my mother for taking my side, and for that I never made her regret that she had me.

But my story and yours differ from those kids out there, who felt like there was no one to turn to, who felt that no one was listening to them. Kids nowadays have turned to something else.
Some years back, I had a friend who had same problem as I do, but her situation differs from mines in a sense that her stepfather was abusing her. We left middle school and went to different high school. When I used to walk home, I'll see her and greet her. She'd ask me for money, and I'd lend it to her. Not knowing what she was using my money to do. After a while, she stopped hiding it to the world and started smoking and drinking and carrying boys around.
I stopped talking to her and whenever I see her walking towards me, I'd act like I didn't know her.
Right now, am not even sure where she is or even if she survived.
Oh well!

My post is to target those mothers out there who remarried and how comfortable the children are with the marriage.
Sometimes, for our children's happiness, we must sacrifice a lot. . . .so why remarry when you know your husband and children won't get along?





_{Arlington, lol, abeg, this is not about me o. . . .am not a mother. This is just general}

Hope I don't sound too selfish

hahah ok you said MY CHILDREN so i just assumed you where married .The show must go on, you cant say because the children will not like there step father you will deprive your self from happiness, if you find someone else.in such situation it depends on how old the children are some women in such situations wait till they get a little bit older and the children may understand better then.To be honest eitherway one part will suffer.We women sacrifice a lot all in the name of marriage or family, sometimes i think we just have to be selfish .

Well, I am not married. But I have seen difference type of marriages.

Regarding the topic. Children can be selfish when it come to issue like this. If their father is late, they would wish he were alive. In truth, the mother have a role to play. But taking or not taking side is out of place. If you want the man to treat the kids as his, then she must not interfere. Even real fathers disagree with their kids.

At any rate, it depend on the personalities involved and the kind of father they had.

If they are used to pampering by old father while step dad is a moralist, the mother must not intervene! She either take the kids to the father's parent or let a real man teach them moral. That is if she want the new marriage to stand.

However, if the step dad is overzealous type whose idea is out of place, the blame is on the mother for marrying him. In such case, the rule remains. DON'T ARGUE IN FRONT OF CHILDREN. The adult would sort it out in private. And if they need to split to bring peace to the home so be it! I just hope they have no kid between them, But if they have kids, then commmmon sense will solve the problem.

Thank God I have never had to deal with this.  I always veted my men for 6 months before introducing them to the children.  There by getting rid of most in the first 6 weeks.

But my children love their step-dad.  Because they are so young i know that as they get older and turn into teenagers the "I hate step-dad" will be because they are teenagers and teenagers hate everyone.

I hope thou that our bonds created by then can withstand that phase in life.

Nice idea! A woman who had kids and need to remarry must learn to see the beauty of that act.

When you have someone you want to marry, then bring him home! Let him get familiar with the kids. Let the kids see him. It is important. At that stage you will see the sign of hamony or discord between them. It is a clear sign.

olanajim:

Nice idea! A woman who had kids and need to remarry must learn to see the beauty of that act.

When you have someone you want to marry, then bring him home! Let him get familiar with the kids. Let the kids see him. It is important. At that stage you will see the sign of hamony or discord between them. It is a clear sign.

After seeing someone for a while I know if my kids will like him or not. I also know that it is very important that they like him before i make him thier step-dad.

@ topic

Some kids never really like my stepparents, they see them as intruders or outsiders coming in and disturbing the family setting they are used to, but if the child is mature enough to appreciate that their parents' hapiness is also important there can be compromise. As for the young ones I think that it takes patience and bonds need to be formed, which can take time. Here the adults must be the ones to really understand how child feels about the situation and encourage them to open up to your partner.

It's a tricky one when it comes to relationships between your children and their step father.

I also feel first priority should be the children, especially if they're young.
Kids are pretty perceptive - they can usually tell if their step father loves them, likes them, or merely tolerates them for the sake of their mom.

Before things progress to the "getting married" stage, it's prudent to let the children get to know their future step father at their own pace - without pressure from either their mom or her partner.

Children can also hide their true feelings from their mom, and feel they have to like her partner, because he "makes mom happy", and they feel it's the right thing to do. So, it all depends on how close a mother is to her children, if there's good communication between them, they'd definitely let mom know how they feel about the new guy.

Sometimes, children can resent their step father, depending on why their biological father is no longer in the picture.

So, there are a fair few factors to consider.

If you get married before you sort out "loose ends", without knowing how your children feel, then there's going to be conflict.
You can't force your children to feel something for your new man if they genuinely don't connect with him, and if you're unfortunate to be caught between a rock and a very hard place, then you've only yourself to blame.

And you'll have to handle things the best way you can.
But ultimately, your children come first.

Siena:

It's a tricky one when it comes to relationships between your children and their step father.

I also feel first priority should be the children, especially if they're young.
Kids are pretty perceptive - they can usually tell if their step father loves them, likes them, or merely tolerates them for the sake of their mom.

Before things progress to the "getting married" stage, it's prudent to let the children get to know their future step father at their own pace - without pressure from either their mom or her partner.

Children can also hide their true feelings from their mom, and feel they have to like her partner, because he "makes mom happy", and they feel it's the right thing to do. So, it all depends on how close a mother is to her children, if there's good communication between them, they'd definitely let mom know how they feel about the new guy.

Sometimes, children can resent their step father, depending on why their biological father is no longer in the picture.

So, there are a fair few factors to consider.

If you get married before you sort out "loose ends", without knowing how your children feel, then there's going to be conflict.
You can't force your children to feel something for your new man if they genuinely don't connect with him, and if you're unfortunate to be caught between a rock and a very hard place, then you've only yourself to blame.

And you'll have to handle things the best way you can.
But ultimately, your children come first.

Siena!!!!!!

Arlington:

hahah ok you said MY CHILDREN so i just assumed you where married .The show must go on, you can't say because the children will not like there step father you will deprive your self from happiness, if you find someone else.in such situation it depends on how old the children are some women in such situations wait till they get a little bit older and the children may understand better then.To be honest eitherway one part will suffer.We women sacrifice a lot all in the name of marriage or family, sometimes i think we just have to be selfish .

lol Won't she lose a lot more if she becomes selfish?

olanajim:

Well, I am not married. But I have seen difference type of marriages.

Regarding the topic. Children can be selfish when it come to issue like this. If their father is late, they would wish he were alive. In truth, the mother have a role to play. But taking or not taking side is out of place. If you want the man to treat the kids as his, then she must not interfere. Even real fathers disagree with their kids.

At any rate, it depend on the personalities involved and the kind of father they had.

If they are used to pampering by old father while step dad is a moralist, the mother must not intervene! She either take the kids to the father's parent or let a real man teach them moral. That is if she want the new marriage to stand.

However, if the step dad is overzealous type whose idea is out of place, the blame is on the mother for marrying him. In such case, the rule remains. DON'T ARGUE IN FRONT OF CHILDREN. The adult would sort it out in private. And if they need to split to bring peace to the home so be it! I just hope they have no kid between them, But if they have kids, then commmmon sense will solve the problem.

Strong points. . . .

So what would you suggest the mother do?

What can she do to erase the hate/doubts her child has for him?

Trust me, living in a home where the father/child can't live together, where the child does not obey him simply because he's not "her father" will be quite tough.

Ever heard the "You're not my father so don't tell me what to do" cliche?

sistawoman:

Thank God I have never had to deal with this. I always veted my men for 6 months before introducing them to the children. There by getting rid of most in the first 6 weeks.

But my children love their step-dad. Because they are so young i know that as they get older and turn into teenagers the "I hate step-dad" will be because they are teenagers and teenagers hate everyone.

I hope thou that our bonds created by then can withstand that phase in life.

Can't disagree with you on this. . . .

My stepdad did everything he could for me. . . .up to the point of cooking and trying to be nice to me. Buying me things even my mom won't buy. . . .yet I still hated him. Why? Because he took my mom away from me. That's what I felt back then.

Don't say, oh isn't a father suppose to cook for her child. No, most nigerian men expected the kids to cook for them. I was expected to, but I never cooked for him. I cooked our food, put my mom's in the fridge and ate the rest

Mehn, I made that man see hell

syren:

@ topic

Some kids never really like my stepparents, they see them as intruders or outsiders coming in and disturbing the family setting they are used to, but if the child is mature enough to appreciate that their parents' hapiness is also important there can be compromise. As for the young ones I think that it takes patience and bonds need to be formed, which can take time. Here the adults must be the ones to really understand how child feels about the situation and encourage them to open up to your partner.

No matter how mature or not mature it is, an intruder is never welcomed.
Imagine a peaceful home, mother and child. Been living alone for a while. . . .then this guy comes him and took command of everything.
No child wants that. I think it's best if the mother remarries when the child is very young. So he can adapt to him better

Siena:

It's a tricky one when it comes to relationships between your children and their step father.

I also feel first priority should be the children, especially if they're young.
Kids are pretty perceptive - they can usually tell if their step father loves them, likes them, or merely tolerates them for the sake of their mom.

Before things progress to the "getting married" stage, it's prudent to let the children get to know their future step father at their own pace - without pressure from either their mom or her partner.

Children can also hide their true feelings from their mom, and feel they have to like her partner, because he "makes mom happy", and they feel it's the right thing to do. So, it all depends on how close a mother is to her children, if there's good communication between them, they'd definitely let mom know how they feel about the new guy.

Sometimes, children can resent their step father, depending on why their biological father is no longer in the picture.

So, there are a fair few factors to consider.

If you get married before you sort out "loose ends", without knowing how your children feel, then there's going to be conflict.
You can't force your children to feel something for your new man if they genuinely don't connect with him, and if you're unfortunate to be caught between a rock and a very hard place, then you've only yourself to blame.

And you'll have to handle things the best way you can.
But ultimately, your children come first.

You said it all. . . .simply brilliant.
Let the child and stepfather get to know each other. Interact together without the mother there. . . . .then maybe things might loosen up a little

Siena, welcome

for me, i don't like all the step this and step that. i hope not but if i have a man who got kid, i prefer the kid stay with the mother. come visit when am on vacation. i no dey for yama yama. . . of hatred

*Hauwa*:

Siena, welcome

for me, i don't like all the step this and step that. i hope not but if i have a man who got kid, i prefer the kid stay with the mother. come visit when am on vacation. i no dey for yama yama. . . of hatred

lmao!!

kilode? You dey fear ni?

@Ebony silk,
the solution is simple but would demand wisdom.

First you need to put what Siena said in consideration. I mean communication. Whether with mum or kids, communication( not talking) is a great weapon that can solve any problem.

One way to tackle such case is to unravel the cause of problem.Then who is culpable. Is the man responsible? Are the kids just being emotional?Dissect the problem and try to get the facts. Once you are able to locate the root of the problem, then you can proceed to solve it.

Let assume that the kids feel insecured and think the step dad want to deprieve them of their mum's love. What to do is to first talk to the man in private. The man must realise he had a role to play and must be able to play his part well. Unless he is a wicked, or immatured person, he should be able to understand. The kids need to be carried along. They need to be informed. They need to be convinced. This is one of the things that happen in marriages. That is what make marriage challenging. I believe any man that can not handle such a scenerio will not be able to handle even his own child when he run into serious problem that involve the kids. Little wonder why many parents can't control their own children.

I have seen alot of that scenerio where a father find it hard to communicate with his own son. Like the one I handled two weeks ago.

If you felt that you and the step dad can't handle it, engage a counsellor. It helps.

On the other hand, if there real father is still alive, and you find that the kids' behaviour is because they want to be reunite with him, I think it is wise to let the go! But do it after having talk to them.

@hauwa,
hmmm, no one pray to have more than one husband, but sometimes, it is only way to be sane when things don't work the way they are planned. For instance some couple that married early may lose of the partner. Most around late 20s to early 40s can't cope alone.I think remarrying is good for them if they found the right mam

Olajim, your points are clear and brilliant. ese n.

One question: What if the child simply wants nothing to do with the stepdad?

That will be if the child has a psychological problem. In that case the parents must help him. Still the root cause must be ascertained.

Let assumed that a child don't want to have anything to do with a step dad. He must either have seen something in that man that created the resentment or he felt the man is there for the wrong reason. If that child is matured, a grown up, then he must be seeing, or thinking of something negative about the man. In such case, he need to be educated. He need to be persuaded. He also need to open up. And if he stubornly refused to see reason, he should be left alone! But not totally alone.

But if the child is immatured and young, he may be feeling insecured, and uncertained about future. (I assumed that the step dad is perfectly okay in all departments). To help him my earlier suggestions applied.

But if by your question, you mean he doesn't want to have anything to do with any step dad at all. Then the problem is psychological.

To that, I will ask you a question: when you want to inject a sick child with a syringe. What happened? Resistance as a result of fear. But eventually you have to calm the child down one way or the other. Either by force or by persuasion,
Use the same trick,

Additionally, one need to take into consideration the circumstance of his real dad departure. In whatever case it may be, know the cause before applying remedy.

this is always a difficult situation and needs understanding and comminucations ,do not take side as u will end up hurting ur children or ur husband,its important u let them know that u love them all and they are part of ur life and that u want them all to get along. counselling will be a great help to the kids as they are being insecure and needs reasurrance that they are still loved and nothing will change that

Sometimes, for our children's happiness, we must sacrifice a lot. . . .so why remarry when you know your husband and children won't get along?

This is selfish dont you think? Especially since this doesnt happen in all situations concerning step parents.

olanajim:

That will be if the child has a psychological problem. In that case the parents must help him. Still the root cause must be ascertained.

Let assumed that a child don't want to have anything to do with a step dad. He must either have seen something in that man that created the resentment or he felt the man is there for the wrong reason. If that child is matured, a grown up, then he must be seeing, or thinking of something negative about the man. In such case, he need to be educated. He need to be persuaded. He also need to open up. And if he stubornly refused to see reason, he should be left alone! But not totally alone.

But if the child is immatured and young, he may be feeling insecured, and uncertained about future. (I assumed that the step dad is perfectly okay in all departments). To help him my earlier suggestions applied.

But if by your question, you mean he doesn't want to have anything to do with any step dad at all. Then the problem is psychological.

To that, I will ask you a question: when you want to inject a sick child with a syringe. What happened? Resistance as a result of fear. But eventually you have to calm the child down one way or the other. Either by force or by persuasion,
Use the same trick,

Additionally, one need to take into consideration the circumstance of his real dad departure. In whatever case it may be, know the cause before applying remedy.

How can you assume that the child has psychological issues just because he does not want to deal with his stepdad?

Maybe he simply does not want a replacement for his father, or maybe he felt hurt because the stepfather was not introduced to him.

ice idea! A woman who had kids and need to remarry must learn to see the beauty of that act.

When you have someone you want to marry, then bring him home! Let him get familiar with the kids. Let the kids see him. It is important. At that stage you will see the sign of hamony or discord between them. It is a clear sign.

How many men do this before they bring in new wife

Although I agree with sistawomen, it's usually women who feel out/care if the kids like the dude. Most men dont give a damn as long as they someone to keep in bed at night.

KarmaMod:

This is selfish don't you think? Especially since this doesnt happen in all situations concerning step parents.

I know it sounds selfish.

But I mean, if you know there's a problem between your son and his stepdad, why go on with it?

Ebony-Silk:

I know it sounds selfish.

But I mean, if you know there's a problem between your son and his stepdad, why go on with it?

Most women wouldnt.

But one has to find out whether it's that particular person the kid has a problem with or he wants his mom t be alone for the rest of her life.

KarmaMod:

Most women wouldnt.

But one has to find out whether it's that particular person the kid has a problem with or he wants his mom t be alone for the rest of her life.

Or it could be, not knowing that your mom until the last minute.

Teenagers hate change. . . .esp, when it comes to a replacement on the hierarchal ladder. Now, someone is controlling their mother, and them.

This is indeed a very sensitive and controversial issue.  Like I advised a brother of mine once, I will likewise do the same. Anyone with intentions of entering a "ready-made" family should use their children as "litmus" paper.  You can tell a lot about someone, in the way they deal with offsprings that aren't biologically theirs.

On the other hand, I know of unruly children who just set out to destroy great marriages because of personal ill-feelings toward the step.  Now in this case those involved needs to take their happiness into consideration. Am I going to give up a great hubby because my child doesnt like my choice? Hell NO, very soon he or she will be off to college out of my house. They will soon be having their own families, leaving me all alone.

As I said, to each its own, In the end one's happiness should be paramount in any decisions we make in life. Just my two cents.

CodeRED:

This is indeed a very sensitive and controversial issue. Like I advised a brother of mine once, I will likewise do the same. Anyone with intentions of entering a "ready-made" family should use their children as "litmus" paper. You can tell a lot about someone, in the way they deal with offsprings that aren't biologically theirs.

On the other hand, I know of unruly children who just set out to destroy great marriages because of personal ill-feelings toward the step. Now in this case those involved needs to take their happiness into consideration. Am I going to give up a great hubby because my child doesnt like my choice? Hell NO, very soon he or she will be off to college out of my house. They will soon be having their own families, leaving me all alone.

As I said, to each its own, In the end one's happiness should be paramount in any decisions we make in life. Just my two cents.

You said, when they leave off to college.
But some children are not so fortunate, esp when they're dealing with withdrawal. No one is listening, they get abused and beat around by their step father, etc, what if that child does not make it through.

Like I said, one of my friend turned to smoking and drinking as a relief. Will she go to college? Don't think so.

Ebony-Silk:

Or it could be, not knowing that your mom until the last minute.

Well like most said it's not ideal to just marry a person without letting your kids know what's going on and let them gauge him/her themselves.