1) An 8-year-old girl went to her grandfather, who was working in the yard and asked him, "Grampa, what is couple sex?"

The grandfather was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decided that if she's old enough to ask the question, then she's old enough to get a straight answer. Steeling himself to leave nothing out, he proceeded to tell her all about human reproduction and the joys and responsibilities of intercourse.

When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open, eyes wide in amazement.

Seeing the look on her face, the grandfather asked her, "Why did you ask this question, honey?"

The little girl replied, "Grandma says that dinner will be ready in just a couple secs."

Dooohhhhh....

2) A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden
he
said out loud, "Lord grant me one wish." Suddenly the sky clouded above
his
head and in a booming voice the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be
faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish".

The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii, so I can drive over anytime I
want
to." The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the
logistics of that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the
bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it,
but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a
little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honor
and
glorify me."

The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I have
been
married and divorced four times. All of my wives said that I am uncaring
and
insensitive. I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they
feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent
treatment,
why they cry, what they mean when they say "nothing" and how I can make a
woman truly happy"

After a few minutes God said, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

Lol.....women!!!! GOD sef no understand dem

That's y we are incredibly special

3) Santa: I am getting married. How would I
know if my wife is a virgin?

Banta: Get an Virginity test kit.

Santa: What's that?

Banta: Get a Can of Red Paint, a can of
Blue Paint and a hammer.

Santa: What ? Are you mad?
Banta: Paint your right Ball Red and Left
Ball Blue and as you remove ur underwear,if your wife says, 'that's the strangest pair of balls I've ever seen' Hit
her head with the hammer !

4) A psychiatrist was conducting a group session with 3 young mothers and their small children.
"You all have obsesions," he observed.

To the 1st mother, he said, "You are obsesed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy.

He turned to the 2nd mom. "Your obsesion is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny

At this point, the 3rd mother got up
and whispered, "Come on, Dick, let's go.".lol

niffymizzy:
Lol.....women!!!! GOD sef no understand dem

I understand the ladies...

5) Once there were twin brothers by the name of Jones.
John Jones was married, and Joe Jones was single. The
single brother Joe was the proud owner of a dilapidated
row boat. It happened that John Jone's wife died the
same day that Joe's rowboat filled with water and sank.
A few days later, a kindly old lady met Joe and mistaken
him for John said; "Oh Mr. Jones, I am sorry to hear of
your great loss, you must feel terrible".
Joe smiled and said, "Well I am not a bit sorry, she was
rather old from the start. Her bottom was all chewed up
and she smelled of dead fish. Even the first time I got
into her, she made water faster than anything I ever
saw. She had a bad crack and a pretty big hole in her
front, and that hole got bigger every time I used her. It
got so I could barely handle her, but if anyone else
used her she leaked like anything. The thing that
finished her was four guys from the other side of town.
They came down looking for a good time and asked if I
could lend her to them. I warned them she wasn't so
hot, but they could take a crack at her if they liked.
Well, the result was the crazy fools tried to get inside
her all at once and it was too much for her. She
cracked right up the middle".

6) The train was quite crowded, so a Redneck U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle.

The war-weary Marine asked, 'Ma'am, may I have that seat?'
The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular, 'Ameri-ca-ns are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat.'

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog.

'Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired.'

She snorted, 'Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!'This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.

The woman shrieked, 'Someone must defend my honor! this American should be put in his place!'

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, "Gladly Madam......Sir, you Americans often seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong b*tch out the window!"

More to follow...check back later...

Makks777:
5) Once there were twin brothers by the name of Jones.
John Jones was married, and Joe Jones was single. The
single brother Joe was the proud owner of a dilapidated
row boat. It happened that John Jone's wife died the
same day that Joe's rowboat filled with water and sank.
A few days later, a kindly old lady met Joe and mistaken
him for John said; "Oh Mr. Jones, I am sorry to hear of
your great loss, you must feel terrible".
Joe smiled and said, "Well I am not a bit sorry, she was
rather old from the start. Her bottom was all chewed up
and she smelled of dead fish. Even the first time I got
into her, she made water faster than anything I ever
saw. She had a bad crack and a pretty big hole in her
front, and that hole got bigger every time I used her. It
got so I could barely handle her, but if anyone else
used her she leaked like anything. The thing that
finished her was four guys from the other side of town.
They came down looking for a good time and asked if I
could lend her to them. I warned them she wasn't so
hot, but they could take a crack at her if they liked.
Well, the result was the crazy fools tried to get inside
her all at once and it was too much for her. She
cracked right up the middle".

L L L L L L

6) A Preacher said: "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river".
And the congregation cried,"Amen!"
"And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it in the river".
And the congregation cried,"Amen!"
"And if I had all the whiskey and rum in the world, I'd take it all and throw it in the river". Again the congregation cried,"Amen!"
...
The preacher sat down. The deacon then stood up & said: "For our closing hymn, let's turn to page 126 of our hymn books and sing, 'We shall drink from that river".
THE CONGREGATION SCREAMED HALLELUJAH!!

7) Blonde calls Air India. 'How long does it take to fly to India?'
'Just a sec,' says the customer service assistant.
'Thank you.' says Blonde and hangs up.......hahahahaa.....lol

Love is a gamble,
Sex is a game,
Boyz do the thing
Girls get the blame,
1 night in pleasure
9 months of pain
1 day in hospital and
a junior needs a name

A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself, "Two plus five, that son of a b**ch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a b**ch is nine...."
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?"
The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mum."
"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked "Yes," he answered.
Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in math?"
The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."
The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a b**ch is four?"
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered,
"What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."

9) Two elderly ladies were outside their nursing home having a smoke, then it started raining. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the ends, put it over her cigarette and continued smoking.
“What that?’ the other lady asked.
“A condom,” the lady responded, this way my cigarette doesn’t get wet”
“Where did you get it?’
“At any drugstore”
The next day the lady hobbled herself down to the drug store and told the pharmacist she wants a box of condoms. The guy looked at her strangely but politely asked what kind of brand she prefers.
“It doesn’t matter as long as it fits a Camel (cigar)"
The pharmacist fainted.

9) Two guys in a bar are watching the TV. There is a news report about a man who threatens to jump off a 5 story
building unless the cops give him 3000 dollars. One guy at the bar says to the other: "I bet you 100 bucks the
guy jumps". The other guy takes the bet, and the guy on the TV ends up jumping. The guy hands over the $100,
but the winner gives it back, saying that he had already seen the guy jump on the earlier showing. The loser
says "Well I saw it too but I didn't think he would jump again"

10). A married couple was invited to a Halloween party. That night, as they were getting ready to go out, the wife said she had developed a migraine headache and had to stay home. She told her husband to go to the party without her. "Don't let me spoil a good time for you," she said. After further discussion, the husband put his costume on and went to the party. The wife took some aspirin and went to bed.

After sleeping for a while, she woke feeling much better and decided to go to the party and surprise her husband. As she was getting ready, she thought to herself, "I wonder what my husband really does when I'm not around." She then got into a different costume, so her husband wouldn't recognize her, and went to the party. Getting there, she stood off to the side and watched.

There was her husband dancing with one girl after another and getting very physical with them. She decided to see just how far he would go. She went up to him and started dancing with him, got very close and whispered that they should go outside. Going to one of the cars, they made love. Prior to the midnight unmasking, she left and went home to wait for her husband to return so she could confront him.

He arrived home about 1:00 a.m. and climbed into bed.

She sat up and asked "Well, how was the party?" He replied, "It was no fun without you honey."

She said, "I don't believe you. I bet you had lots of fun!"

He replied, "Really, Honey. When I got to the party, some of the guys and I got bored and we went downstairs and played poker all night. But you know, that guy I loaned my costume to had one hell of a great time."