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Re: h by deylookme: 8:12am On Dec 29, 2014 |
W |
Re: h by Nobody: 8:23am On Dec 29, 2014 |
deylookme: One thing you said that touched me is that he takes care of you and baby even with his little. He who can be trusted with little will be trusted with much more. God will open showers of blessings for him If you love him ask him to consider a court wedding as we did while you plan later towards a bigger celebration. GOD WILL WATER EVERY LITTLE SEED YOU HAVE PLANTED 2 Likes |
Re: h by mutter(f): 10:30am On Dec 29, 2014 |
aisha2: Respect! The greatest joy in life comes from giving and doing good. I get my greatest joy from giving and I have been subject to so much attack even from my husband and kids but deep inside I know they are proud of me. I know this because I catch them doing the same. mama we are doing it for you to make you happy. But I am not fooled. Respect Aisha. @ Poster. The issue here is not if you should marry him but ARE YOU WORTHY OF SUCH A MAN. A man with morals and principles. Now re think what you wrote. You want to take your child away from his bio- father who is an up right and good man. You want to take this child to a drunkard and spoilt brat to raise. Abeg if you do not pity yourself, pity your child! Why do you want to mess the child up- There are women that support the home financially today and have a happy home. This man will be blessed by God and and them you would be on the outside wailing and gnashing your teeth in vain. As long as the father of the child is reasonable, please marry him. Most women that are single mothers are that way because the men rejected them, either by kicking them out or by making it impossible for them to stay. |
Re: h by veave(f): 11:17am On Dec 29, 2014 |
You have been duly advised. Wait for your baby daddy. The devil you know is a lot better than the angel you see from afar. |
Re: h by Nobody: 1:20pm On Dec 29, 2014 |
mutter: Hmmmmmm it is well. God strengthen you |
Re: h by LyfeJennings(m): 2:16pm On Dec 29, 2014 |
God has given you peace, na U dey go hunt trouble yourself. U think just anybody can love you and your son. Its takes a highly matured and understanding dude to love another man's son. Boo, stick to ur baby father. Weather the storm with him and u will get the marriage u deserve but if U go and marry vos U want to be a Mrs. Kai, U go don too suffer in the future. Infact the troubles and heart ache U wld have wld be wrapped in that ring U put on your finger |
Re: h by TV01(m): 4:07pm On Dec 29, 2014 |
deylookme: Deylookme hello and festive greetings, I know I wasn't tagged directly, but I think I can "palm" two of blunt, straightforward and wise ![]() In a nutshell, you want to be married, have more children possibly and secure some stability for your child. Quite laudable really. Your problem is youa re bereft of decent choices. The truth is, you are caught between a rock and a hard place. I'll go as far as to say, if you didn't have a child, neither of these two men would be on your radar, especially if what your baby fathers family has to say about you - in your words below - is true. In fact, you won't go to far wrong if you take the advice inherent in that statement. He told me that they said I'll leave him soon because according to them I'm beautiful, young, ambitious and intelligent so they are advising him to impregnate me again. You claim to "love" BF, yet you are considering and in discussion with an ex from over 10 years ago whom you dated for barely 3 months and is quite clearly immature? Further, you have other suitors. Perhaps our definition of suitors differs, but to me qualification as a suitor demands a certain level of interest has been shown and considered, and certain things have happened? Unless you are working with the old adage of "until she marries, every man is a suitor"? You are being prompted by a females basic instinct - and that's not as bad thing - in fact, you are probably guilty of not taking things to their natural conclusion. Your BF at this point in time is simply not the kind of fabric you want to be sewing a husband from. But deep down, you know that don't you? His inability to commit to both you and your child or make any kind of definitive statement about your settling down is glaring. Like I noted previously if there was not a child involved, he wouldn't be on your radar. It's why your father detests him, and if I were speaking as male relative, I would have little time for him. He is simply not up to it at this point. Be it because he is not confident in his ability to provide, unequal to the responsibility of taking full ownership, or simply more comfortable with you being a baby-mama, than challenged by taking on the burden of being a committed husband and father. His family' involvement is even more telling, they are pushing and looking to support him in to doing what he should be driving himself, and making it conditional as they don't actually see him as that able. You are the catch here not him - he simply lucked out getting to you early. OP you can skip the quote below, it's more for men; I touched on the female instinct earlier, the dread "H" word, hypergamy. I make no value judgement about it, it just needs to be correctly understood and applied. There has been much talk about charitable giving - or the gift of liberality if we set this in a Christian context - but two things here, you mentioned nothing about faith and faith would suggest he makes amends for the "out of wedlock" situation. Further, one who fails to provide for his household is worse than an infidel. Any gift of liberality or charitable bent must be coasidered in light of means and responsibilities. Please don't spiritualise your situation, for one thing, when you are in the crucible of marriage it won't render an ounce of succour. So consider what possibly awaits you should you marry him and have further children. He either delivers, or he fails too, despite his familial support (which in any event will have limits) and the provider burden falls majorly on you. Are you prepared to live out the worst case scenario or will there be another failed marriage with the attendant costs - especially to the child? As for the child you have, the outcome for him/her will be best in a stable household, be this with his biological father or someone who commits to you both. The difference will be in provision and modelling. Whether you act on instinct or make clear considered choices (and they may well be the same), I wish you all the best. I hope the young and unwed are taking notes here. TV 5 Likes 1 Share |
Re: h by ihedinobi2: 6:22pm On Dec 29, 2014 |
TV01:Very bitter pill to swallow, big bro, but I really can't argue with this. @OP, if marriage is on the cards - and with a kid it should be - your baby daddy is not an option nor is your ex, judging by what you have said. And yes, men can love children that are not theirs. |
Re: h by trekkie: 9:36pm On Dec 29, 2014 |
2 Likes |
Re: h by deylookme: 5:21am On Dec 30, 2014 |
Q 1 Like |
Re: h by ihedinobi2: 7:00am On Dec 30, 2014 |
deylookme:I was actually echoing what TV01 said. That you actually have to get married if you already have a kid and that neither your baby daddy nor your ex is a good option. Then I answered your question about whether men can love children that are noy theirs. But with this new information you just gave that things got bad along the line, maybe you should wait for your baby daddy to put himself back together but he needs to feature more closely in the kid's life. I assumed earlier that he was still trying to settle his finances for the first time. It's good to know that he had before. The choice to wait is not an easy one and I will advise you to not make it lightly. It will involve his deliberately spending more time with the kid and doing all he can to settle you down soon. And it's great news that things are improving. Cheers, honey. Your story just made my morning better. 1 Like |
Re: h by TV01(m): 1:53pm On Dec 30, 2014 |
deylookme: Morning deyooklme, hope you are well. I must say the equanimity and grace with which you are discussing the situation is quite refreshing and to be commended. You come across really well. And if it's any indication of your wider character, I believe and truly hope you'll come through this. The extra insights are helping me understand things in a more personal sense and are quite revealing. I've also read you other posts about the situation. You have a lot vested in this relationship, and, with a child to consider, it's understandable that you are keen to make it work - absolutely nothing wrong with that - although your giving consideration to other "suitors" suggests you are aware it may not? Hence, your dilemma remains, do you stick it out, or do you move on. I'll say this first, if you do decide to move on, understand what a good husband is made of and don't settle for less. Your interest in your ex from a decade ago smacks of immaturity/desperation. I personally think you should have it out with him. But first, you must gather yourself and consider if you can deal with the possible outcomes? I'd sit him down, remind him of where you have both come from, the journey thus far. The promises made, the vision and the anticipation, and your enduring commitment to it. Explain to him that you understand the pressure and what he seeks to do, but for the best long-term interest of you and your child he needs to formalise the commitment. You need to be clear about what time frame is acceptable to you and what you expect in terms of milestones/events up until the day. Then you need to make it readily apparent that you will move on with your life if he cannot commit wholeheartedly and fully accept the responsibilities that come with the challenge of being a husband and father. If he's looking for a way out, it'll soon be clear, if he's seeking to keep the status-quo which effectively absolves him of real ownership, it'll be apparent, and if he realises that it's time to take the reigns and honour you and your child as he first planned you'll know. Perhaps give him time to go away and consider his response or prep him beforehand so he knows exactly what you have in mind. Either way, with an understanding of his position, you can determine the way ahead. A real idea of what he stands to lose might galvanise him. But in any event, be clear, be firm and be resolute. And please, please, please, don't take in at this point. All the best TV To my bros' 1 Like |
Re: h by Busybody2(f): 3:41pm On Dec 30, 2014 |
Left to you, you are not bothered, but because of pressure from your parents, your babydaddy's parents and your loverboy's parent, there is intense pressure on you to marry asap!!! Overbearing Nigerian parents and the 80% role they play in marriages crashing everywhere sha ![]() You met loverboy when you were both aged 15/16 and dated just 3 months and this is whom you contemplate leaving the "known" for ![]() ![]() As long as no one is feeding you, politely tell everyone to get off your case and face their own lives and stick with your babydaddy whose feeling and utmost devotion to you and your baby has never changed from day one...He went through a rough patch and is probably suffering from clinical depression so what he needs from you is support. Reach out to him and stand by him and don't let people who are only worried about reputation live your life for you. Reassure your man you love him and understand this is just a temporary dip in his status and promise him you would never leave nor forsake him... 1 Like |
Re: h by soulglo: 7:17pm On Dec 30, 2014 |
cococandy: He drinks too much and his family openly admit that he is financially irresponsible. That does not sound like someone a woman can count on. If times get too tough he will turn to his bottle and trust me, if you give an alcoholic the choice between spending his last dime on baby food versus his bottle, he will always choose the bottle |
Re: h by cococandy(f): 7:31pm On Dec 30, 2014 |
soulglo: If I'm not mistaken it is the other guy who drinks too much. 1 Like |
Re: h by soulglo: 7:38pm On Dec 30, 2014 |
cococandy: You're right. I thought her ex was the baby's dad. She needs to drop the heavy drinker. People who use drinking as a coping mechanism do not fare well in tough life situations. I agree with your earlier post . He seems to be the better option. She shouldn't get pregnant again till he puts a ring on it 1 Like |
Re: h by Nobody: 9:18pm On Dec 30, 2014 |
Op, I just want to say I admire your sincerity and willingness to learn and listen. There's something about your posts that makes me believe you will not take the wrong step. Many intelligent posters have given you sound advice too, and in as much as I'm not in your situation, I have learnt a lot from you and everyone who has posted so far. May God guide you ma'am. Cheers. ![]() 2 Likes |
Re: h by trekkie: 5:12pm On Dec 31, 2014 |
deylookme: both of you need to know something... financial troubles can come even after marriage.. so if the trouble is only finance... take a deep breath and take the plunge. courage my friend is not the absence of fear, but forging ahead in spite of it. faith is the same thing but this time you believe that God has got your back. 3 Likes |
Re: h by trekkie: 5:14pm On Dec 31, 2014 |
keep your chin up. |
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