a friend of mine has developed friendship with a guy from anambra state but she is scared the r/ship wont go far because the guy is an igbo guy. my friend thinks igbo guys don't like to marry from other tribes (my friend is from bayelsa state). please cld this be true? she would like to know as this will determine her continuing the friendship or backing out now before her heart gets too involved.

What you're mentioning isn't even limited to external ethnic groups. Even within Igbo, most Anambra people (guy or girl) tend to marry within Anambra state. From what I've seen, witnessed and what I know, Anambra people marrying within Anambra is highly encouraged. Anambra people marrying outside of Anambra isn't scoffed at, but the preference tends to be for other Anambra people. Generally speaking, you're friend has a reason to worry, but like everything else though, there are exceptions. Your friend shouldn't bother herself about it so much. Maybe the guy isn't the kind of Anambra guy that would prefer to marry Anambra, maybe he is. She should ask him.

thanks so much ChinenyeN. i think we are beginning to get somewhere, at least get a clue into this whole issue. as for my friend asking the guy in question, i had earlier suggested that, but she declined, saying that she doesnt want to be too forward. i see reasons with her though, hence trying to find out this way.

more comments are welcome pls.

OMO IBO:

first of all, i don't believe for one day your friend is the one going through this problem.
funny enough, a fair number of people think just like you. but my question is why bother starting a relationship if you feel strongly about this.

To be honest, this is a no brainer. you don't start something you are not sure about.

and of wat use is it to me if u believe its my friend or not? pls if u have nothing meaningful to say, then just let the thread be. mr believer!

.

girlie2000: No problem. Like tpia said, your friendshouldn't live in fear. If she's unsure of the whole issue, then she should really confront him head on. She should either do that, or just ride the whole thing out and see where it goes. According to what you've said, she's already built up some kind of relationship/friendship. You mentioned that she has built up a friendship with the guy. So does that mean that as of now, there is no guy-girl relationship going on between them? They're just friends?

ChinenyeN:

What you're mentioning isn't even limited to external ethnic groups. Even within Igbo, most Anambra people (guy or girl) tend to marry within Anambra state. From what I've seen, witnessed and what I know, Anambra people marrying within Anambra is highly encouraged. Anambra people marrying outside of Anambra isn't scoffed at, but the preference tends to be for other Anambra people. Generally speaking, you're friend has a reason to worry, but like everything else though, there are exceptions. Your friend shouldn't bother herself about it so much. Maybe the guy isn't the kind of Anambra guy that would prefer to marry Anambra, maybe he is. She should ask him.

Ewwwww.

stillwater:

Ewwwww.

What Ewww about it?  I'm from Anambra and my mom wants me to marry an anambra man, not sure if i would though.

girlie2000:

a friend of mine has developed friendship with a guy from anambra state but she is scared the r/ship wont go far because the guy is an igbo guy. my friend thinks igbo guys don't like to marry from other tribes (my friend is from bayelsa state). please cld this be true? she would like to know as this will determine her continuing the friendship or backing out now before her heart gets too involved.

If the guy loves your friend then he would marry her whether or not she's from baylesa.

first of all, i don't believe for one day your friend is the one going through this problem.
funny enough, a fair number of people think just like you. but my question is why bother starting a relationship if you feel strongly about this.

To be honest, this is a no brainer. you don't start something you are not sure about.

Good one.

thanks all for ur comments.

ChinenyeN:

girlie2000: No problem. Like tpia said, your friendshouldn't live in fear. If she's unsure of the whole issue, then she should really confront him head on. She should either do that, or just ride the whole thing out and see where it goes. According to what you've said, she's already built up some kind of relationship/friendship. You mentioned that she has built up a friendship with the guy. So does that mean that as of now, there is no guy-girl relationship going on between them? They're just friends?

yes they are just friends, no one has openly made any commitments yet. but they are getting closer and more fond of each other by the day. as a matter of fact from the way my friend speaks, she's already in love with him.

girlie2000:

thanks all for ur comments.
yes they are just friends, no one has openly made any commitments yet. but they are getting closer and more fond of each other by the day. as a matter of fact from the way my friend speaks, she's already in love with him.

In that case, your friend really has nothing to worry about, in regards to whether or not the guy will leave her, because they aren't even 'together'. Also, your friend my want to be careful with "love". She should just live her life as his friend, and if she really feels that there are strong enough emotional feelings for her to consider the next phase of their relationship, then she should by all means go ahead. I'd advise her not to though.

.

My take on this is this; your friend should take things easy
and let things flow naturally. If she and this guy in question
are destined to be 2gether, tribe would never come in between
them (Period).

@poster

Yes we do!!!
But we have to be so into you for us to be able to convince relatives of our choice.

Bottomline: If the guy in question truly loves you, and is determined to, he'll marry you. QED.

thanks all for ur comments and advices. it is greatly appreciated and i think i am in a better position to advice my friend now and help to lay her fears to rest. thanks a lot.

YES THE DO .

Ifygurl:

What Ewww about it? I'm from Anambra and my mom wants me to marry an anambra man, not sure if i would though.

If the guy loves your friend then he would marry her whether or not she's from baylesa.

It's so "ewwww". And quite senseless.

stillwater:

It's so "ewwww". And quite senseless.

How is it senseless?

What we don't understand is foolishness to us

1 Corinthians 1:18

Ok make me understand. What is so special about marrying from your own state? Is there any super thing you derive from it?

The topic is about Anambra-Igbo marrying within Anambra State (this implies marrying Anambra-Igbo, seeing as to how Anambra is considered and Igbo state). That being said, most, if not all, Anambra-Igbo people are encouraged to marry within Anambra (meaning they are encouraged to marry other Anambra-Igbo people). What is senseless about it? What is difficult about it to understand?

Stop confusing yourself. You say ecouraged whereas people are forced to marry within the state. Again what's the reason behind the fact that parents and relatives go as far as disrupting marriages with outsiders in the name of encouragement because they are not from the state? That is where the senselessness comes in, if you ask me.

watching

stillwater: Forced? How did you come up with that? And seeing as to how you didn't really answer my question, I'll ask again. How is an Igbo parent encouraging the child to marry from a specific (or their) state senseless?

I have personal reasons for saying "forced". Don't want to sound insulting, but can you hear yourself? Children grow up and form views away from the conventional ideals they were brought up in when it comes to matters of the heart, so what's the essence of instilling who you would like them to get married to?

Okay. Personal experience. You know what, I won't even dabble with that because from what I know conerning this issue (what I've inquired about and from personal experience as well), the people were "encouraged" not "forced". Also, I am using encourage in it's strict sense (promote, recommend, expression of approval or support). That's what I mean by "encourage[ment]". I can safely say that of ALL the marriages and relationships that I personally know of and have inquired about, none have had forceful parents. That isn't to say that there are forceful parents (i.e. those who may take encouragement to an extreme -- like the general analogy you stated), because there are. I won't dispute that. But the senselessness of forceful parents can be left for a different discussion. So far as I'm concerned, and from what I know, there is nothing wrong or senseless about Igbo parents encouraging their children to marry from specific Igbo states.
 

stillwater:

I have personal reasons for saying "forced". Don't want to sound insulting, but can you hear yourself? Children grow up and form views away from the conventional ideals they were brought up in when it comes to matters of the heart, so what's the essence of instilling who you would like them to get married to?

Alright. I'll ask you what you asked me. Can you hear yourself? I think you might want to reconsider the bolded statement, stillwater, because if someone decides to follow that logic of yours, then that same person can ask:

"what's the point of instilling anything into children? They will grow and deviate from it anyway, will they not? Their heart will tell them otherwise. Their emotional sentiments will pull them in a different direction. Their instincts/desires will make them reconsider what they think as opposed to what they were brought up with. So what is the point of instilling anything into them?"

Do you see what I'm getting at here? The question you asked should not have been asked at all. The whole purpose of instilling anything into children is in hope that they grow and pass on your ideologies, your culture, your preferences, your way of life to the generation after them. It is all done in hopes that specific traits (cultural, personality, physiological, etc.) survive. Although there is no guarantee that the child will stick to what the child has been taught, it doesn't mean that there is no point in instilling the teachings, ideals, practices, etc. into the children, because there is still so much hope that the child can/will grow up and stick to what he/she has been taught. Everyone is familiar with the saying that "the apple doesn't fall far from the tree". That is the ideology behind instilling things into children. There are exceptions, but for the most part, that's just the way it is. So, you might want to reconsider that statement. You should have thought that through before you typed it.

@Topic,Yes Anambra men marry from other states in igboland.
@OP,tell your friend that If the guy really wants to marry her,he would and the parents have no choice than to accept her,the problem here is Does the guy really want to marry her?.

ChinenyeN:

Okay. Personal experience. You know what, I won't even dabble with that because from what I know conerning this issue (what I've inquired about and from personal experience as well), the people were "encouraged" not "forced". Also, I am using encourage in it's strict sense (promote, recommend, expression of approval or support). That's what I mean by "encourage[ment]". I can safely say that of ALL the marriages and relationships that I personally know of and have inquired about, none have had forceful parents. That isn't to say that there are forceful parents (i.e. those who may take encouragement to an extreme -- like the general analogy you stated), because there are. I won't dispute that. But the senselessness of forceful parents can be left for a different discussion. So far as I'm concerned, and from what I know, there is nothing wrong or senseless about Igbo parents encouraging their children to marry from specific Igbo states.
Alright. I'll ask you what you asked me. Can you hear yourself? I think you might want to reconsider the bolded statement, stillwater, because if someone decides to follow that logic of yours, then that same person can ask:

"what's the point of instilling anything into children? They will grow and deviate from it anyway, will they not? Their heart will tell them otherwise. Their emotional sentiments will pull them in a different direction. Their instincts/desires will make them reconsider what they think as opposed to what they were brought up with. So what is the point of instilling anything into them?"

Do you see what I'm getting at here? The question you asked should not have been asked at all. The whole purpose of instilling anything into children is in hope that they grow and pass on your ideologies, your culture, your preferences, your way of life to the generation after them. It is all done in hopes that specific traits (cultural, personality, physiological, etc.) survive. Although there is no guarantee that the child will stick to what the child has been taught, it doesn't mean that there is no point in instilling the teachings, ideals, practices, etc. into the children, because there is still so much hope that the child can/will grow up and stick to what he/she has been taught. Everyone is familiar with the saying that "the apple doesn't fall far from the tree". That is the ideology behind instilling things into children. There are exceptions, but for the most part, that's just the way it is. So, you might want to reconsider that statement. You should have thought that through before you typed it.

Phuleasee, I was very much aware of that statement and the logic you could derive fom it, that is why I introduced the phrase when it comes to matters of the heart, which clearly dispels other factors and focuses on the subject of love and marriage. If white people are encouraged to marry their kind, don't you think that such actions could be said to be racist? In this case tribalist?

stillwater:

Phuleasee, I was very much aware of that statement and the logic you could derive fom it, that is why I introduced the phrase when it comes to matters of the heart, which clearly dispels other factors and focuses on the subject of love and marriage. If white people are encouraged to marry their kind, don't you think that such actions could be said to be racist? In this case tribalist?

Okay, good. I'm glad that you were aware of that. Still though, matters of the heart are not so much independent entities of their own. Matters of the heart are still goverened (in some way or another) by ideals, preferences, teachings, etc. instilled in children by parents, family, peers and society. So my point still stands. Also, I actually see no just cause for people to be against actions like that. The only thing that the parent is doing is promoting his/her preference. There is a reason why people are encouraged to marry their kind. . . so that their kind can survive and continue on from generation to generation. What is so difficult to grasp about that? Of course they are being racist (or tribalistic in our case). What's wrong with that? People discrimiate all the time when it comes to making decisions. An excellent example would be buying a car of the same make and model. Someone buying said car can still say. . . "should I get the white one or the black one?" Say they have a preference for the black one, and they get it. They could though, have chosen the white one because both cars are still the same and still capable of the exact same thing. Yet, they chose the black one because that's their preference. The same applies to the situation we're discussing. What makes it so wrong to discrimiate in such decision making when deciding who to spend one's life with, as opposed to deciding what color car to buy? I really do not understand. If one has a preference for the black car, why would one buy the white car when the black car is sitting there in front of them ready to be bought? Why do people have a problem with that? Is it because because people, for some reason, get offended by other people's preferences? But why should they be offended? Preferences are preferences. People promote preferences all the time. People make decisions based on preferences. It is an intregal part in decision making. So, again, what is so wrong about someone being encouraged to marry from their own state?

In summary, there's nothing wrong being racist?

What makes it so wrong to discrimiate in such decision making when deciding who to spend one's life with, as opposed to deciding what color car to buy? I really do not understand. If one has a preference for the blue car, why would one buy the red car when the blue car is sitting there in front of them ready to be bought? Is it because it hurts people feelings if people think and make decisions that way that it's wrong? Is it wrong because people, for some reason, get offended by other people's preferences? Preferences are preferences. People promote preferences all the time. People make decisions based on preferences. It is an intregal part in decision making.

I don't consider this a good argument anyway.
We are talking about human feelings being hurt and not petty decisions over material goods like blue and red cars which in no way are persons that feel when discriminated against.

So, again, what is so wrong about someone being encouraged to marry from their own state?

It enhances/imprints tribalistic sentiments and you wonder why there is so much divide in Nigeria.

stillwater:

In summary, there's nothing wrong being racist?

To a degree, and under some circumstances, yes. There is nothing wrong with racism (or being a racist). I'd say the same for tribalism, and being tribalistic.

stillwater:

I don't consider this a good argument anyway.
We are talking about human feelings being hurt and not petty decisions over material goods like blue and red cars which in no way are persons that feel when discriminated against.

That's why I asked the question I asked.

"Why do people have a problem with that? Is it because because people, for some reason, get offended by other people's preferences? But why should they be offended?" -- ChinenyeN [Me]

So, sentiments is what differenciates one kind of decision-making discrimination from other kinds of decision-making discrimations? Wow. So even if the processes and actions are exactly the same, they cannot be classified within the same category just because someone might feel hurt by someone else's preferences? You know what, I won't even discuss the idea of sentiments here because that is beyond the scope of this discussion. On top of that, if I said what I had to say, many, many people wouldn't like me (not that they do now, anyway), even though there will be defnite truth in what I'm saying. 

stillwater:

It enhances/imprints tribalistic sentiments and you wonder why there is so much divide in Nigeria.

Really? That is why it's wrong? So you believe tribalistic sentiments is the reason for so much devide in Nigeria? Personally, I don't think so, but I won't say anything here in regards to the issue of tribalistic sentiments and whether or not is really the deciding factor as to why Nigeria is so divided. I've already talked about that issue somewhere else on the cultural forum, so I won't repeat myself here. Also, the whole purpose of encouraging sons and daughters to marry within the ethnic group (or within specific tribes/clans/villages/families) within said ethnic group is to enhance/imprint those tribalistic sentiments. So that way there is stronger ethnic pride. What's wrong with a stronger and more stable self/ethnic pride?