This is a culled article but it will
BLOW your mind away if you are
considering divorce or going
through one....
As a former divorce mediator, and
current couples and family
mediator, I have heard every
excuse that parents use to feel
better about breaking up their
family. In this article, I’ve outlined
several of the most common lies
that you might be telling yourself if
you’re considering divorce. Before
you believe them, or give up on
your marriage, you might want to
check out my Marriage
SOS book series and do some
serious soul-searching
1. My kids want me to be
happy.
No, your kids want their biological
mom and dad to get their act
together, behave like grownups,
and create a stable, happy home
for them. Kids are focused on
their own happiness and
childhood gives them that
privilege.
2. My kids will be better off.
Probably not. Research shows
that children of divorce experience
higher rates of emotional and
behavioral problems. They are
also more likely to experience
poverty and mistreatment,
whether it is outright abuse or
cruel indifference, from an
unrelated adult in the home.
3. My next marriage will be
better.
That’s unlikely. Second and
subsequent marriages have
higher divorce rates than first
marriages. Why? Because people
rarely change and tend to repeat
the same poor behaviors. Plus,
subsequent marriages often
involve stepkids and blended
families, which ramps up the
drama and conflict all the more.
4. My relationship with my
children won’t change.
Yes, it will. A parent who does not
live under the same roof as his or
her child cannot have the same
stature or influence in that child’s
life as a parent who does.
Whether it’s a 2 a.m.nightmare or
a house fire, you’re simply not
there to do your job.
Regardless of the reason for the
divorce, chances are good that at
some point, your child will resent
you for breaking up the family
unit. Even worse, your child will
likely blame him/herself,
rationalizing that he/she was not
“lovable” enough for the biological
parents to work through their
problems.
5. I won’t have any regrets.
You probably will. Once emotions
have cooled and you have your
distance, you’ll look back and
wonder whether you should have
worked harder to save your
marriage and family. This regret
will deepen as you move into old
age and realize you will never feel
the pride that comes with having
your children and grandchildren
admire you as the family patriarch
or matriarch.
6. We shouldn’t stay together
for the kids.
Actually, I can’t think of a better
reason to stay and work through
your problems with humility and
determination. Help is out there
for those who have the strength
of character to be accountable
and ask for it.
7. Divorce will solve my
problems.
If you have kids together, divorce
won’t solve your problems; it will
only create a
new set of
problems. You will worry about
your ex-husband’s new girlfriend,
and whether she’ll call you if your
child gets sick or scared. You will
worry about your ex-wife’s new
boyfriend, and whether he’s the
one giving your child a bath.
Don’t fool yourself. It’s unlikely
your ex-spouse will remain single
for long, and once he or she starts
dating, you will have no control
over the strangers that waltz in
and out of your child’s life
8. Kids are resilient and will
adapt to the new situation.
Think this won’t affect them in the
long-term? Kids don’t adapt …
they make do. When you break up
their home or bring your new love
interests into their life, they hunker
down emotionally and do their
best to cope. Like it or not, you
have taught them that love is
unreliable. As adults, children of
divorce are more likely to also be
divorced and break up their own
families.
Of course, divorce isn’t always a
bad thing. It’s the best course of
action in some cases, such as
abuse, unmanaged personality
disorders and infidelity, to name a
few. There are rare cases where
one spouse is entirely at fault and
where kids are better off having a
destructive or dangerous parent
out of their home or even out of
their life.
But the fact is, most broken
homes are caused by two self-
focused, short-sighted adults
who wallow in their own
misery
and rancor for each other,
instead of keeping their promises
to work through their problems—to
put their spouse’s needs ahead of
their own and to see conflict from
his or her point of view; to put
their obligations as parents above
their own pettiness as partners
and to do whatever it takes to
bring happiness back into their
marriage and home.
Frankly, I don’t see a lot of people
doing this. They’re quick to anger,
quick to blame, and quick to bail.
They always think the grass will
be greener over the next fence.
Personally and professionally, I
think it’s time for spouses to put
family obligation at the top of the
list, far above the shifting sands of
personal desires.
Why? Because obligation
provides staying power.
A
sense of obligation toward your
spouse and children is the glue
that keeps the home together
through the weak and angry
spots, giving strength and love a
chance to return. It binds a couple
together while they work through
their problems.
A sense of obligation to others is
a virtue, but it’s one that our self-
focused culture has largely
abandoned. The ancient Romans
called it pietas. In its loosest
sense, it was the highly-esteemed
“sacred duty” to one’s biological
family, one that superseded self-
interest. It’s an Old World virtue
that the New World would be wise
to embrace.



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