andromida:


@moca I don't have a problem with her thought process she has agreed she needs to do something about it. Its when you say she should not give him listening ear when he is her soon to be husband I don't understand.

moca:

Not that way. What I mean is this.
If the man continously continue to bring d babymama topic up, she should ask him things like"whats d problem, pls, it's d past and we shouldn't be dwelling on it again.
Also d way u r painting this lady will make me tranfer aggression to her child which I know u won't like, or jokingly r u sure u still don't hv a thing for her? I'm suspecting u o!
There r many ways she can send her message across.
If I were her, I will telll him categorically that I don't have an ish with d lady so she can't be my enemy. If they like they should continue to be in malice but as for me,i will get close to her bc of the baby. Simple. Let him start digesting that as early as possible.
Where I will be concerned if if he threatens to stop me or quit if I should go ahead.
Then I will know that something is wrong somewhere and find my way.

moca:

Not that way. What I mean is this.
If the man continously continue to bring d babymama topic up, she should ask him things like"whats d problem, pls, it's d past and we shouldn't be dwelling on it again.
Also d way u r painting this lady will make me tranfer aggression to her child which I know u won't like, or jokingly r u sure u still don't hv a thing for her? I'm suspecting u o!
There r many ways she can send her message across.
If I were her, I will telll him categorically that I don't have an ish with d lady so she can't be my enemy. If they like they should continue to be in malice but as for me,i will get close to her bc of the baby. Simple. Let him start digesting that as early as possible.
Where I will be concerned if if he threatens to stop me or quit if I should go ahead.
Then I will know that something is wrong somewhere and find my way.

ileobatojo:



Riight.

So you didn't realize you weren't the same as your mother before opening this thread? It was only after opening a thread that you realized the child may not be anything like her mother?

Ok, so if the child turns out like her mother what should happen then?

If even after the nice and wonderful things you claim to have learnt from this thread, you're still putting conditions on the love the child should receive, then it's a problem. As far as I can see, what you claim to have learned from this thread is a superficial lesson (the mother may not be bad, the child may not be bad blah blah blah) It has not addressed your deep rooted issues. Please stop deceiving yourself.





Thoughts of bringing harm to an innocent person? A child? No, never, sorry.

carefreewannabe:


You are an optimist.

Lostmermaid does not have the maturity and self-confidence to have a healthy relation with the mother of the child. I don't condemn her, just stating the obvious.

moca:

Not that way. What I mean is this.
If the man continously continue to bring d babymama topic up, she should ask him things like"whats d problem, pls, it's d past and we shouldn't be dwelling on it again.
Also d way u r painting this lady will make me tranfer aggression to her child which I know u won't like, or jokingly r u sure u still don't hv a thing for her? I'm suspecting u o!
There r many ways she can send her message across.
If I were her, I will telll him categorically that I don't have an ish with d lady so she can't be my enemy. If they like they should continue to be in malice but as for me,i will get close to her bc of the baby. Simple. Let him start digesting that as early as possible.
Where I will be concerned if if he threatens to stop me or quit if I should go ahead.
Then I will know that something is wrong somewhere and find my way.

moca:

Babe, u summed me up.

carefreewannabe:


I was asking myself the same question.

LostMermaid:


She doesn't call me mummy all the time. But she likes to frequently pretend she is the little baby and her daddy is the daddy and i'm the mummy. When my man said don't call her mummy; do you call your mum's boyfriend daddy? She said she doesn't call her mum's boyfriend daddy and about me she explained "i like imagining it" like as a game... Otherwise I told her to call me by my name. I'm not trying to take anyone's mum's place or anything. The reason why I mentioned this was to indicate my lovely relationship with the little girl.

moca:
Stilll on this case

I see nothing wrong in little children calling elders mummy/daddy. In some culture,its d norm. I would hv been so repulsed b4 had I not been called mummy by small children I met in my baby's school. When they see u on d road or in school premises,they will run and hug u shouting mummy.
Veery funny indeed. If u now ask them mummy who? They will differentiate.

There is one woman I have know as mummmy ever since. Me too have joined in calling her mummy.

Children bonds closer with words like that especially in this case if it's true.

Honestly, I would hv lvd it if we stop attacking and proffer solutions.

I read somewhere in oyedepo's book, imaginations r not sin,rather when u put them to practice.
Cos if our mind r laaid bare here, we will see that humans r capable of doing anything with their mind.

D @op is very truthful which is a quality I admire so much. A problem shared like this is half solved.
. She should stop swallowing all her bobo tells her.
. Stop giving him listening ear.
. Now,she should change her thought pattern towards this young gal.
If she is d praying type, d most effective way is tru prayer.
. D most important is not letting her past interfer with her present and d future(cos I know this is the genesis off all these)
Ur past is gone forever. We learn from people around us,what happened to us and swear to turn things around. Ur own must not end like those around u. Make it an exception and envy of all.
.u know, children r adorable,see that child as ur first child,born by u. It will help u reshapen d images in ur mind.
.very important, even at his back, start a relationship with d mum of that little gal.

U see by d time u do all these,I'm pretty sure there will be no space for d devil to occupy in ur mind again.

Since I can see from ur posts u hv a free spirit,let it guide u. Remember, not ur husband or anybody will be held responsibly for any action of urs.
Bury them for good in ur mind.
All d best and pls, do send at least cake for us when it's time. Make sure d small gal is d little bride!
All d best.

Modesayo:
I don't think u should hate that child COs she was born of a slutty ex,u have ur own too...show them motherly love& ur husband,i think he is matured enof shld know how to control his home....I am also in the same situation,d lady that had d child remarried...i took the child as my own&i can bet you,that is making the father love me more...so just play your part,God will c you through

carefreewannabe:


Do you know what I find even more disturbing than the initial post?

The fact that some people think that such thoughts are normal.

I can understand that she feels jealous but to think that a father should love one child more than the other and to think that one child is better than the other because it is from this woman and not the other, is not normal. It's unfair, immature and dangerous.

What happened to common sense?

carefreewannabe:


You are an optimist.

Lostmermaid does not have the maturity and self-confidence to have a healthy relation with the mother of the child. I don't condemn her, just stating the obvious.

ileobatojo:



Riight.

So you didn't realize you weren't the same as your mother before opening this thread? It was only after opening a thread that you realized the child may not be anything like her mother?

Ok, so if the child turns out like her mother what should happen then?

If even after the nice and wonderful things you claim to have learnt from this thread, you're still putting conditions on the love the child should receive, then it's a problem. As far as I can see, what you claim to have learned from this thread is a superficial lesson (the mother may not be bad, the child may not be bad blah blah blah) It has not addressed your deep rooted issues. Please stop deceiving yourself.





Thoughts of bringing harm to an innocent person? A child? No, never, sorry.

softysparky:

Not when she sees the innocent child as the daughter of a slut that denied her the opportunity to have the man's first child.

Not when she already sees the girl as a dark cloud that will bring unhappiness to the family.

Not when she believes the little girl will influence her YET TO BE BORN children in a negative way just because she thinks her mother is a slut.

LostMermaid:


I already have a healthy communication with the mother of the child. You can read the details in previous posts.... I told how my man got angry that we two were talking in a friendly way; and he said he doesn't want that cause he hates her.

You're not very open-minded are you? You read my first post; and without paying attention to other dimensions of the story you made up your mind that I am someone who has horrible thoughts all the time; someone immature; someone dangerous; someone who can't care about a child; someone who possess all negative adjectives etc. etc.

It's not like that.

In science; one collects ALL DATA; to make a conclusion about something; and evaluates ALL OF THAT DATA. I don't know how much you know about sciences like math or physics, or like psychology; but if you base your conclusion on a selected set of data; extracted from the whole set; you end up with erroneous results. It doesn't reflect the fact if you leave some information aside and out of your reasoning.

LostMermaid:


Exactly. You got it, up to here, right.

But what you're missing is; THAT IS EXACTLY WHY I stated I was bothered by such random negative thoughts; and that is why I wanted to replace them with positive, more productive, more loving and caring ones,

which I now have done.

carefreewannabe:



You have a healthy communication with her despite the fact that you think that she is a sl*ut?



I am not open-minded to stu*pid thoughts, no.
I control my mind and I like to be reasonable. I don't consider a child a rival and I don't need a lot of time to figure out that a father's love is unconditional and not dependent on who the mother is.

You are immature and your thoughts are dangerous.

I am happy, however, you learned a thing or two on this thread. There is hope.




Do you think I am on NL to become a scientist? I have a job, it requires lots of energy, I don't waste it on NL. I have no time to collect all data and there is no need to. Your first two paragraphs were enough to highlight how ridiculous your thought process is and I am happy other people had more patience to explain it to you. Since you are into scientific methods, what was so difficult to figure it out all by yourself?

carefreewannabe:



You have a healthy communication with her despite the fact that you think that she is a sl*ut?



I am not open-minded to stu*pid thoughts, no.
I control my mind and I like to be reasonable. I don't consider a child a rival and I don't need a lot of time to figure out that a father's love is unconditional and not dependent on who the mother is.

You are immature and your thoughts are dangerous.

I am happy, however, you learned a thing or two on this thread. There is hope.




Do you think I am on NL to become a scientist? I have a job, it requires lots of energy, I don't waste it on NL. I have no time to collect all data and there is no need to. Your first two paragraphs were enough to highlight how ridiculous your thought process is and I am happy other people had more patience to explain it to you. Since you are into scientific methods, what was so difficult to figure it out all by yourself?

LostMermaid:


No. Not even the person who wrote she was having these thoughts(me!!!) claimed they are ok. You are misunderstanding.

These thoughts are not normal; BUT, it is normal to have some "abnormal" thoughts at times; because we are HUMAN, and whether you are aware of such thoughts; or not (because s[b]ome people see themselves in a different way than they actually are their self-mirror might not be accurate![/b]) EVERYONE has some negative thoughts at times. As long as THEY KNOW these thoughts are NOT OK (I STATED A MILLION TIMES I WAS BOTHERED BY THESE THOUGHTS! AND I WANTED TO GET RID OF THESE THOUGHTS!) AND they base THEIR ACTIONS and BEHAVIORS on positive, loving, caring thoughts; that means they are good humans; very self-aware and who are trying to do GOOD things in this world.

I replace my negative thoughts with positive ones; as soon as I notice them. This time, I was pretty confused, so like chatting with a friend; I seeked advice on here. I NEVER acted on those negative thoughts. I constantly work on trying to make myself a better person. And I think, instead of viewing themselves as 100% flawless and perfect; like a saint; if everyone did what I do, this world could be a more friendly place!

I hope you understand.

softysparky:

It's okay @lostmermaid, just treat the baby with love and care, who knows, she might even be the one to take care of you at old age.
I wish you all the best.

LostMermaid:


I know a friend's MUM who called her own daughter a slut in an argument. Does it mean it is that mum's permanent opinion? Like fixed there on her mind; her own daughter is a SLUT. FULLSTOP. Is that it?? Not all words, or thoughts reflect a permenant judgement or a stable opinion about something. Do they!
Or you get angry at someone and think "what a jerk!" / "what a bastard!". So if you had such a thought once or twice does it prevent you from having any positive thoughts towards a person? How logical does that sound to you for God's sake?


I had a friendly conversation with her. Then, based on what my man told me, I had negative thoughts about her which lead me to use the word slut.

That's it. If I used it once, doesn't mean it's like a tattoo-like thing or anything; or always there. No. If it was to become a permanent opinion I wouldn't have said it was a bothering thought; plus I wouldn't have corrected it; if you might have noticed, I corrected it long ago; even other commenters mentioned about that and it's still on the main post.

So consider all these. Not just the 'bothering thoughts'; that I didn't want to keep in my mind; AND I even don't have anymore.

That's what I meant by looking at ALL DATA. (Look at how I explained it afterwards. Or look at what I added as notes to the main post.) And not picking some from it and evaluating the situation based on limited perception.

ileobatojo:


Thank you.

carefreewannabe:


Ok, then you have figured it all out. You really don't owe me any explanation.

I have said my own, sorry, I did it in a harsh way. I was really shocked by your thought process though.

carefreewannabe:


No, when you opened the thread, it was your opinion of her and not a moment of anger but anyway.

Like I said, you owe me no explanation.

LostMermaid:


Ok you were shocked by them. And I was frightened (by them!) Cause I did not embrace those thoughts, I just wanted to get rid of them. I knew they weren't right and I stated it in many of my comments. I just wished you had paid attention to my subsequent comments too. But it's ok. It's good we understand each other now.

LostMermaid:


Actually it was a moment of anger. She threw away the present I bought for the kid. AND I was influenced by what I heard about her, what my man recently told me.

But whether it was a moment of anger or not, I corrected it; I said yes it's wrong to think like that. I even added a note on there. I thought that's what should matter the most.

carefreewannabe:


LostMermaid,

you don't seem to be a st*upid person so I would like to ask you something. I am trying to understand.

When you were having these thoughts like "Should he love my kids more because they are mine and not those of a slut?", you were not able to give yourself a sensible answer all by yourself? Were you not able to tell yourself all by yourself that a father's love is unconditional and that ALL his children deserve to be loved unconditionally?

LostMermaid:


Our logic can be shadowed by emotions. I was emotionally in a bad mood. I don't know how exactly to explain it. Maybe you can understand if you experience something similar; doesn't need to be related to a man or a child; but some thoughts you know aren't right but they come and bother you. Actually if I had an adopted kid I would love them too, maybe as much as my own kid.

Sometimes it's more affective when somebody else gives you the answers though.