The Wonders of Hell: A Short Story

The first time you heard about hell was when you were seven. Then, you were a naive, slender-looking boy - faultless. The Sunday school teacher, a heavy-bearded man in his early forties, painted hell as a very horrible place. He grimly told you that hell was a huge, blazing and unquenchable wild fire where sinners would everlastingly roast like cashew nuts when they died. He told you that hell was very hot and stark dark - darker than the back of your mother's pot. There will be gnashing of teeth and regrets, tortuous soldier ants and worms everywhere, your Sunday school teacher taught.

Your Sunday school teacher's teachings threatened the tots in the class on that memorable morning. Of course, it threatened you too. You didn't want to go to hell. You didn't want to roast like cashew nuts. You didn't want to live in stark darkness, like a bat, in afterlife. You hated hell and pledged to be good, to be kind to your fellow man. You wanted to make heaven, where you would wear white robes, walk on the streets of gold, play with lions, eat fresh fruits and fishes, and sing psalms to the Almighty forever and ever.

Seventy years ago, these were your wishes as a lad. But you died at seventy-seven, yesterday, and this is your first night in hell - the place that made you have sleepless night when you were seven. Still having a staunch belief about heaven, you struggled to be good in your youth. But you veered off in adulthood when the vicissitudes of life stormily confronted you. You compromised - compromise is the greatest weapon in politics, a game you mastered when you were yet alive and kicking.

The things that landed you in hell are many, very many. The newspapers and history books have them. You killed the innocent. You sent letter bombs to your political opponents. You embezzled monies that were budgeted for 'light', leaving your people in stark darkness. You rigged elections. You granted state pardon to criminals. You didn't pay salaries on time, leaving workers and their children to starve. You sent soldiers to battlefield with sticks and sentenced to death the ones who dared to protest. You falsified facts. Above all, you made too many promises that you didn't fulfil when you held public offices. Although you romanced clerics, they couldn't help you bribe your way into heaven.

On your first night in hell, you were impressed, very impressed because you discovered that hell was not exactly how your Sunday school teacher had painted it. You found out that hell, although a relatively unpleasant place, was not a burning fire, was not dark. There was, as a matter of fact, 'light' in hell. You saw unblinking, bright bulbs in the cramped room you were alloted. The room, painted red, had the breadth of a coffin and the length of a tunnel. The room looked strange but the bulbs consoled you. You loved it. You brought out the free phone you were given at the embassy of hell, plugged it to a squarish switch at a corner of your new room, thinking the light may go off any moment soon - the way it used to be in your country.

You found a little bed in the extreme of the weird room, on which you collapsed, and slept off. Your sleep was long and sound. There was no single mosquito bite - no mosquitoes in hell too?

In the morning, when you woke up, you found out that there was still 'light' in your little room. You also noticed that some demons had dropped a cup of milk and some loaves of bread on the small wooden table near your bed. You, very hungry, grabbed the loaves and gulped down the milk, free milk. Afterward, you stood up and stretched, ready to have your bath.

You undressed yourself and walked down to a door at the end of your room. There, you found a small, luxurious bathroom. You opened the shower; it vomitted water and you soaped yourself. You noticed, for the first time, that there was plenty water in hell. You felt relieved. You remembered the biblical parable of Lazarus and the rich man and wondered the part of hell the story took place. Perhaps the story was a myth, you thought.

You returned to your room and found your phone beeping. You picked it up and found a new text message. You opened it. It ran:

"Hello Chief Toga, welcome to hell. Hell is real. We believe you had a sound sleep. We've put everything in place to make you comfortable. Call 666 if you have any complain, but NEVER leave this room UNTIL you are told to do so. Best regards."

Toga, you jumped, excited, screaming as you read the text message. It lifted your soul. You have never imagined a hell where there was no torture, no worms, no fury fire. You have never imagined a hell where there was love, free milk, free food, free water, free phones and free 'light.' This hell was different, very different from the hell you made out of your country.

While you were still lost in the euphoria of the incredible hell you have found yourself, your phone rang, you picked and the voice sounded strangely familiar. It was the voice of your great grandmother. She died over a hundred years ago. She was a witch doctor.

"Hello, Toga, my great grandson. I heard you came in last night. Welcome to hell."

"Thank you," you answered, unsure of who the caller was.

"Who's this please? I don't think I know you."

There was silence, a still silence that was punctuated by deep howls. You thought the caller was a wolf.

"It's me. Mamee, your great grandmother. Welcome to hell. I heard you came in last night."

"Ah, Mamee, are you in hell too? You were surprised.

"Of course, where else do you expect me to be? There is 'light' in hell; at least it has not been interrupted in the past three hundred years. There was no 'light' in Nigeria when I died. Do you have constant 'light' now?"

"We don't."

"What about constant water?"

"We don't."

"Free and fair elections?"

"We don't."

"Good roads?"

"We don't"

"Security?"

"We don't."

"Does every citizen get a free milk every morning?"

"No ma'am."

"Unbelievable."

"These are some of the reasons I was condemned to hell."

"I don't understand. Did you squander the budget for these things?"

"Yes, mamee."

"You're a disgrace to the Kofata family. People like you do not deserve to be in hell. You deserve to be in a worse place."

You were stunned. "And where should that be?"

"Nigeria, of course. I'm dialing 666 already."

Ademule David is a Lagos-based executive.

Abeg abeg, let s free this country na. Naija is not that bad! Btw, well put together write up. I enjoyed it.



What is happening? Second time making FTC on FP this week! Surely I am in for good things this month.

Things you have been dreaming of will come your way easily this month in Jesus name!

Ok

Loooooool.....

God will take me through HELL just to see me make HEAVEN #mastermind

Satire from the quill of a swift writer

Naija is hell, we need Buhari to make it heaven

Buhari is the way forward!!!

#iHaveDecided

Dis write up shaa

Warrisdis??

Hmm! What a shiit of a writer..

Sarcasm at its best!! Nigeria is worse

shut up your funky mouth

The man to get us out of this messy hell is here .....

First, Buhari is Bokoharam
Then he wants to islamatize Nigeria.
Then he wants to introduce sharia.
then he is too old...
Then he has no ssce result.
Then he jailed corrupt people......that's a
crime to some idiots.
Then his daughter has sickle cell
Then he divorced his wife.
Now it is he must debate.
And now...... APC is a Christian party
PDP .......give it up already. This change we
must have come 14th.

SO YOU MUST JOKE ABOUT YOUR COUNTRY IN SUCH A MANNER AND RUBBISH THE NAME OF NIGERIA IN MUD...GOOD SIR

Hahahaha, what a satire... I really had a good laugh. So, at the end, Nigeria is worse than hell.

---

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Shiit

Long and boring

.

"There is only one hell, the one we live in now"

Go Bleep yaself

Nice piece of work!

Impressive!!

Lubbish

Nice sarcasm. But try visit hell come back write another one.

This is a very unprofessional write up, trying to blame 1 man for all our problems.




May God help us.

coming back to comment cos this is the kind of topic i will want to. On the road.

EDITED

Smile,, though its not what I was expecting but it was sure a good read. But unfortunately Hell is never gonna be as the picture the op painted, Hell is going to be far worse than mind would ever comprehend.

So my advice to everyone is to avoid Hell at all cost, accept Jesus today as ur Lord and personal savior and be saved and safe!

I was here

lyk cewiozly u are a disgrace to d nation as a whole @ writer....comparing our dear nation to hell...u mzt b sick upstairs am zorry 2 say...f u kno u are tayad of dis country berra go to Gambia and reside dere or berra stil pakistan. anyway he who ghat a head ghat no cap and vice versa! cherish ur country fo once pls coz dere z no place like home. GOD BLESS NIGERIA!!!! GOD BLESS AFRICA!!!!!!

Sounds and looks like it was addressed to our past and current leaders

Enjoyed the sarcasm though...

Things can't get worse than it already is...

It can only get better

A man who is down shouldn't be afraid of falling

Naija is a hell of its own! I concur with ur article sir...