keppyy:
Is it right for a single lady to buy a land and build a house?

My sugar-mom is against it because she thinks it will limit my Pool of potential husbands to a specific location because I'll not want to relocate...

If you don't mind moving and renting out the house,there should be no problem owning a property where you are.it will even bring in additional income to the family.real estate is a good investment.
Your sugar mom( still trying to find out what that means lol) has a point though
If the house will limit your movement,you may not get a good pool of men as potential suitors since you will be limited by location.
You shouldn't be limited when you are single and searching
You have to keep all your options open and give yourself some flexibilities

babyosisi:


If you don't mind moving and renting out the house,there should be no problem owning a property where you are.it will even bring in additional income to the family.real estate is a good investment.
Your sugar mom( still trying to find out what that means lol) has a point though
If the house will limit your movement,you may not get a good pool of men as potential suitors since you will be limited by location.
You shouldn't be limited when you are single and searching
You have to keep all your options open and give yourself some flexibilities

Nice!!!

My Sugar-mum is the sweet, sexy damsel that pushed my big head out of her vagina..

MrsOJ I know you have a question to ask.come and let the ladies help answer that question

keppyy:



Nice!!!

My Sugar-mum is the sweet, sexy damsel that pushed my big head out of her vagina..

Lol

babyosisi:


Wow
This is sad
Looks to me like the love and passion is gone from the marriage and you are now just two people living in a house
That must not be fun
It is normal to have disagreements and days where the atmosphere is not loving but checking out emotionally from the marriage is an extreme no marriage should get to.
Before I answer specifically please tell me
How long have you been married?
Are you working?
At what point in the marriage did this begin or has he always been a womanizer even while you were dating?

Been married for 6yrs. I was working before but the company closed down. While looking for another job I learnt a skill which is not bring in much. He changed completely in 2012 w

babyosisi:
I have made my share of mistakes,learned a world of lessons ,I have grown and matured while married to the same man a while and still very much in love with him and together we are raising some very well adjusted exemplary children.So I must have something to say about what makes marriage work and what doesn't .I know what doesn't ,I have tried them all.
I believe God gave me wisdom in marital issues because constantly young women ( and men) confide in me in real life and offline (from forum interactions )about personal issues with relationships and the response is always a big thank you for helping.
I have heard the stories of many and have counseled many also
I don't know it all so I welcome opinion from other wives on the forum who have been at this business at least for a decade
This Thread is intended to answer questions and dispel fears about men and husbands and marriage and children
How do you know he is the one?
What is appropriate?
Attitude towards inlaws?mother in law fears
Money issues
Parents say no to your intended spouse
Can't make up your mind
Time is passing by and still single,what could it be?
Bad habits you don't like in a man and how to handle it
Bedroom issues?
Handling conflicts?
Communication breakdown?
Old flames and admirers ?
His female friends how to handle that
Questions you had been embarrassed to ask people in real life,this is your opportunity to ask and have people share from their experiences truthfully.
I will be real,I promise
Physical abuse issues
Childlessness ?
You may not like the answer but I will tell you the truth uncoated
If you are too embarrassed to ask in your known moniker,you can create a new handle

Alright ladies,aunty babyosisi is waiting.

Nne do you know that after seeing the thread you posted about Hubby's gift and how you talked about marriage is a lot of work I was so hoping you will dish out more advice. Thanks for this thread keep it coming please.

@shining mama, I feel u.
But the children u r desperately trying to secure will be at d receiving end emotionally and psychologically.
Nothing breaks a child like knowing that his parents r not in love as they envisaged.

Depending on what each parent feeds the child,they may end up being anti.

moca:
@shining mama, I feel u.
But the children u r desperately trying to secure will be at d receiving end emotionally and psychologically.
Nothing breaks a child like knowing that his parents r not in love as they envisaged.

Depending on what each parent feeds the child,they may end up being anti.

They are still very young now, don't understand what is going on.
The only problem we have is that I can't just take the way he chat with all these people. I have tried to pretend but it doesn't work for me. He doesn't know that I saved some of the ladies phone no on my phone. Once he cones back from work, he will start and they won't stop till late in the night.

keppyy:



Nice!!!

My Sugar-mum is the sweet, sexy damsel that pushed my big head out of her vagina..

Love this!

Shiningmama:


They are still very young now, don't understand what is going on.
The only problem we have is that I can't just take the way he chat with all these people. I have tried to pretend but it doesn't work for me. He doesn't know that I saved some of the ladies phone no on my phone. Once he cones back from work, he will start and they won't stop till late in the night.

Even though they r small,they know.unless they have not started talking.
The question is,will u continue like that till when?
Have u looked for external intervention?

Peeping tru his phone always will only give u heart attack.
If u feel u two are emotionally disconnected and he don't want to reason with u even after external intervention,honey,i will tell u the truth,u have to face reality.

Shiningmama:


They are still very young now, don't understand what is going on.
The only problem we have is that I can't just take the way he chat with all these people. I have tried to pretend but it doesn't work for me. He doesn't know that I saved some of the ladies phone no on my phone. Once he cones back from work, he will start and they won't stop till late in the night.

I don't want you to move out
Do you belong to a church and are active in it? Or have an older couple you both respect and admire?
I advise you to sit with your husband and tell him that you know he is in touch and engrossed with all these women and it is a disrespect to you for him to do that .
Let him know that at this time you wish to bring up the topic to some older couple you respect for the purposes of counseling since you will not tolerate that anymore.
No arguments or derailments
No discussions of how bad you are since he may want to twist this to make you the problem
You must not cry
You must not beg
please do not beg him
Don't give him that same high he gets from these sluts,that is why you must not beg,you don't beg for love
You should not threaten
You have to be firm and direct,look him in the eyeballs when you are talking
Tell him you will not be in a marriage where your husband is preoccupied with whores on the outside
Then follow through and tell a couple in church that you confide in about what is going on
That is what you must do

If you feel you are not emotionally prepared to do it and may break down while speaking then that is not the day to this
You will do it the day you are not terribly angry or emotional so you can have total control.
Rehearse your words over and over again so it comes out exactly the way you want it.


Anyone that tells you it is normal for men to cheat and flaunt it is lying don't accept that
It is not normal

moca:

Even though they r small,they know.unless they have not started talking.
The question is,will u continue like that till when?
Have u looked for external intervention?

Peeping tru his phone always will only give u heart attack.
If u feel u two are emotionally disconnected and he don't want to reason with u even after external intervention,honey,i will tell u the truth,u have to face reality.

I agree with the highlighted
Don't tell parents please
Find a neutral person who has both your interests at heart

keppyy:
Here it is:


I'm not married and I'm not in a relationship sefffff....still very much single....

I'm sort of planning a career and School (Masters) that will take a lot of time, I conveyed my plans to my Sugar-mama and she said I should not plan to deep till I'm married...She said marriage might change my plans seffff...

On the other hand, she said I can go ahead if I choose to get married after my Masters...

Anyway, I wish to get married next year and pop my first bunny same year, Ermmmmmmmm....I'm still very much single anyway....

So, I need to know if I should put my plans on hold first till I get married or kick it off...

I hope someone understands my message shaaaaaa....

Please get the next available form for MSc and start before mr right comes along.
I thank God i'm doing mine now... you do not know how supportive whoever you finally get to marry will be. Waiting first untill marriage before planning your future is a risky gamble...

babyosisi
post=30735664:



The worst thing that can happen to a woman is marry a man she doesn't
love passionately.
Marriage is tough especially the early years and there will be times you
will feel like packing your bags and running away
Even marriages that started very well can sour over time when they are
ill managed let alone one that started with a tone of uncertainty in
one's voice.
From what you have written you do love this man but not enough to spend
the rest of your life with him that is why you have those doubts and
misgivings.

Let me use myself as an example
I was engaged to someone else before meeting my hubby,I have shared that
many times
Very very handsome and romantic man
His family adored me,my folks loved him
Very kind and generous,would give his last dime to a stranger in need
Perfect gentleman
But he is a little too boisterous in nature and had some terrible table
manners
Some people may say this is minor but it bothered me a lot
The last straw was at a wedding when he motioned servers a little too
loudly to get us food,I was a little embarrassed,we were in a hotel and
could easily go and get food.my husband will never ever do a thing like
that never!!
To make matters worse when the food came,he opened the wrap of moi moi
and licked the foil and I wanted the ground to swallow me ,and that was
the day my spirit left the union
I couldn't marry him,I couldn't be with a man that would embarrass me.,I
just couldn't take it coupled with the fact that he wanted to get into
politics and I couldn't envision myself standing on a podium
campaigning.

To some these were minor things,to me they were major

You said you are not compatible sexually,can you live with that all your
life?
Bad kisser,can you manage that?
If you don't feel sexually attracted to this man I wouldn't advise you
to continue
It won't work

When hard marital current strikes sometimes the sexual chemistry is what
will take you over the hump and if it is lacking from day one,you may
be swimming against the tide.
You should be madly in love at this stage if he is the one
It doesn't sound that way from what you wrote

jeez

i cant believe you just wrote these...

what d f...did you just call your self a perfectionist.

men...get the cover blown off...and stop crashing relationships.

what happend to the love you ever felf for the man...girl ..i hope your husband does not disappoint you.

babyosisi
post=30735664:



The worst thing that can happen to a woman is marry a man she doesn't
love passionately.
Marriage is tough especially the early years and there will be times you
will feel like packing your bags and running away
Even marriages that started very well can sour over time when they are
ill managed let alone one that started with a tone of uncertainty in
one's voice.
From what you have written you do love this man but not enough to spend
the rest of your life with him that is why you have those doubts and
misgivings.

Let me use myself as an example
I was engaged to someone else before meeting my hubby,I have shared that
many times
Very very handsome and romantic man
His family adored me,my folks loved him
Very kind and generous,would give his last dime to a stranger in need
Perfect gentleman
But he is a little too boisterous in nature and had some terrible table
manners
Some people may say this is minor but it bothered me a lot
The last straw was at a wedding when he motioned servers a little too
loudly to get us food,I was a little embarrassed,we were in a hotel and
could easily go and get food.my husband will never ever do a thing like
that never!!
To make matters worse when the food came,he opened the wrap of moi moi
and licked the foil and I wanted the ground to swallow me ,and that was
the day my spirit left the union
I couldn't marry him,I couldn't be with a man that would embarrass me.,I
just couldn't take it coupled with the fact that he wanted to get into
politics and I couldn't envision myself standing on a podium
campaigning.

To some these were minor things,to me they were major

You said you are not compatible sexually,can you live with that all your
life?
Bad kisser,can you manage that?
If you don't feel sexually attracted to this man I wouldn't advise you
to continue
It won't work

When hard marital current strikes sometimes the sexual chemistry is what
will take you over the hump and if it is lacking from day one,you may
be swimming against the tide.
You should be madly in love at this stage if he is the one
It doesn't sound that way from what you wrote

jeez

i cant believe you just wrote these...

what da f... babyosisiøøødid you just call your self a perfectionist.

men...get the cover blown off...and stop crashing relationships.

what happend to the love you ever felt for the man...girl ..i hope your husband does not disappoint you.

babyosisi:
MrsOJ I know you have a question to ask.come and let the ladies help answer that question

@ babyosisi, i have been married for 6 years now with kids. Though it wasn't easy at the early stage cos i was not tolerance enough so we had rough periods. After 2 yrs in the marriage we had a heart to heart talk on how to move forward and minimize the quarrels. It did work, but like they said human beings cant change. So am tolerating now, matured, overlook those areas that can't be changed. Well am learning on more ways to make it better from what it is now. I believe every woman would want a loving partner and home, so that what am aspiring to achieve. Thanks for reaching out, u are doing a good job here

MrsOJ:

@ babyosisi, i have been married for 6 years now with kids. Though it wasn't easy at the early stage cos i was not tolerance enough so we had rough periods. After 2 yrs in the marriage we had a heart to heart talk on how to move forward and minimize the quarrels. It did work, but like they said human beings cant change[b]. So am tolerating now, matured, overlook those areas that can't be changed[/b]. Well am learning on more ways to make it better from what it is now. I believe every woman would want a loving partner and home, so that what am aspiring to achieve. Thanks for reaching out, u are doing a good job here

Examples

mutter:


Don´t worry you will cope just fine.Women are so good at multi tasking.

People often ask me how I cope and I always give the same answer- one day at a time.
When one day does not go well or you are tired, tomorrow is a new day with new chances.

It is better to try and fail than never try at all.

If you aim for 100 and get 50 you have something. If you aim for zero and get zero- you have nothing.

What a touching advice and talk! Thank u ma.
I'm blessed with this
"It is better to try and fail than never try at all.
If you aim for 100 and get 50 you have something. If you aim for zero and get zero- you have nothing"

babyosisi:



Examples

Pls don't get yu!

I love this

babyosisi:



I don't want you to move out
Do you belong to a church and are active in it? Or have an older couple you both respect and admire?
I advise you to sit with your husband and tell him that you know he is in touch and engrossed with all these women and it is a disrespect to you for him to do that .
Let him know that at this time you wish to bring up the topic to some older couple you respect for the purposes of counseling since you will not tolerate that anymore.
No arguments or derailments
No discussions of how bad you are since he may want to twist this to make you the problem
You must not cry
You must not beg
please do not beg him
Don't give him that same high he gets from these sluts,that is why you must not beg,you don't beg for love
You should not threaten
You have to be firm and direct,look him in the eyeballs when you are talking
Tell him you will not be in a marriage where your husband is preoccupied with whores on the outside
Then follow through and tell a couple in church that you confide in about what is going on
That is what you must do

If you feel you are not emotionally prepared to do it and may break down while speaking then that is not the day to this
You will do it the day you are not terribly angry or emotional so you can have total control.
Rehearse your words over and over again so it comes out exactly the way you want it.


Anyone that tells you it is normal for men to cheat and flaunt it is lying don't accept that
It is not normal

Thank u very much ma,I don see hell for this marriage.

babyosisi:
I have made my share of mistakes,learned a world of lessons ,I have grown and matured while married to the same man a while and still very much in love with him and together we are raising some very well adjusted exemplary children.So I must have something to say about what makes marriage work and what doesn't .I know what doesn't ,I have tried them all.
I believe God gave me wisdom in marital issues because constantly young women ( and men) confide in me in real life and offline (from forum interactions )about personal issues with relationships and the response is always a big thank you for helping.
I have heard the stories of many and have counseled many also
I don't know it all so I welcome opinion from other wives on the forum who have been at this business at least for a decade
This Thread is intended to answer questions and dispel fears about men and husbands and marriage and children
How do you know he is the one?
What is appropriate?
Attitude towards inlaws?mother in law fears
Money issues
Parents say no to your intended spouse
Can't make up your mind
Time is passing by and still single,what could it be?
Bad habits you don't like in a man and how to handle it
Bedroom issues?
Handling conflicts?
Communication breakdown?
Old flames and admirers ?
His female friends how to handle that
Questions you had been embarrassed to ask people in real life,this is your opportunity to ask and have people share from their experiences truthfully.
I will be real,I promise
Physical abuse issues
Childlessness ?
You may not like the answer but I will tell you the truth uncoated
If you are too embarrassed to ask in your known moniker,you can create a new handle

Alright ladies,aunty babyosisi is waiting.

keppyy:
Yes, christain missions

Business & Christian missions seem parallel except If I do not understand the Area of missions you are interested in.

Please explain

moca:

Even though they r small,they know.unless they have not started talking.
The question is,will u continue like that till when?
Have u looked for external intervention?

Peeping tru his phone always will only give u heart attack.
If u feel u two are emotionally disconnected and he don't want to reason with u even after external intervention,honey,i will tell u the truth,u have to face reality.

I"ve done that so many times. His male friends that I know are just few, no point in telling them becos they are almost the same. I told his relatives, one of his Uncles told me that I should even be happy he never brought any of them home. Though he had discussion with hubby o. No changes

Shiningmama:


I"ve done that so many times. His male friends that I know are just few, no point in telling them becos they are almost the same. I told his relatives, one of his Uncles told me that I should even be happy he never brought any of them home. Though he had discussion with hubby o. No changes

Was he like This pre marriage?

Keppy I was also about to ask what sugar mum meant

You have gotten good advice. .I know our parents can sometimes be over apprehensive about this marriage issue (my dad not soo much though ) but you can't keep your life on hold because of marriage especially when you are not in any sort of serious committed relationship.

Masters at the most is 24 months who knows wedding bells might ring midway through it..Who knows you might even meet someone at PG school

Following

bukatyne:



Was he like This pre marriage?

He was not like this during courtship. But I later realised through one of the people I reported him to that he was like that. He confided he her that he stopped when he met me. But his friends didn't allow him to rest he had to go back to them

It is only is keeping and chatting with female friend that do cause katakata. I have proofs but I won't want to disclosed it online because I don't know how is who. I am not accusing him wrongly. I confronted him one time and he confessed that he just dated her when I just gave birth then, I kept the rest to mysef because I don't want wahala

Great job ladies this is an awesome thread

Present.

Shiningmama:



Thanks a lot, I will be waiting. I am based in lagos but no steady income yet.

Shiningmama.

Like I mentioned in my earlier post, I had a read through of the thread you created a little over a year ago concerning your marital issues. You've got some heavy stuff going on at the moment and I do understand that you don't want to walk out on your marriage - I get that, but at the same time, I'll be honest with you and advice you like my own sister.

First and foremost, does your husband still raise his hands against you? You mentioned that two weeks after you'd given birth, he beat you. If he does, then whether you like it or not, I'll advice you to pack your bags this very minute, take your kids with you, and go to your parents'. Domestic violence is an absolute no-no and I don't care what reasons he may have had (or still has?) to raise his fists against you. I also do not care that your sister's been in her marriage for 20+ years and tells you that she's seen 13 O'clock in her marriage. That's her cup of tea and just because it works for her, doesn't mean you have to put up with the same thing. It's not only harmful, but downright dangerous when people tell you to grin and bear certain no-go areas all for the sake of marriage. Domestic violence is not something you trifle with or take lightly and it's just a matter of time before he loses it again and may just hit you on a wrong spot. I know your circumstances are difficult but you need to find the inner strength within you to get up and take you and your kids out of that violent environment to a place of safety.

If not for yourself, you owe it to the kids you brought into this world to stay alive for them, guide them and bring them up. Every child deserves to have their mother. And this is why I'm rooting for you to go straight to your parents and let them know that you fear for your life. If your mother is of the school of thought that a good wife is one who stays put no matter what, then please, appeal to your father. I'm yet to hear of a father who'll turn a blind eye to his daughter's suffering. There is always (or more often than not) a special father-daughter bond. So special that a father would do everything within his power to shield and protect his girl child from any harm. Bottom line here is, you mustn't keep something like this to yourself. It'll eat away at you gradually until there'll be nothing left. You need support right now and your family should be able to give it to you.

Now, if that occurrence was a one-off then my advice to you is to start loving and appreciating yourself, and I want you to start that process today. Go into the bathroom, lock the door behind you, and take a good, hard look at yourself. Look your reflection in the eye and say to yourself, I, Shingingmama am special. Say this over and over and over again till you start to believe it. I can see that right now, your self-confidence and esteem is at an all time low. But you know what? When we as humans hit rock bottom, the only way forward is up. Make this statement your daily prayer / focus. Say it first thing in the morning, and last thing at night before you go to bed. What I'm trying to do here is get you to build up your self-confidence, which right now, is badly bruised.

Next, you really need to make concerted efforts to get yourself busy. Get your mind actively engaged by either looking for work, or making plans to start a business of your own, no matter how petty. Right now, you are completely dependent on your husband for money and this is one of the reasons he looks down on you the way he does. Yes, we all know it's wrong of him to do that but let's face it. It is what it is and I'm suspecting his attitude which you say changed in 2012 was probably when you lost your job? Sad as it is, some men are just like that. You become nothing better than what they scrape off the bottom of their shoes when you aren't working or bringing in money to the home front. They draw away from you and become downright nasty, finding fault in everything you do. Then the wife at the receiving end usually turns to food for comfort, eats more and more, gains weight and her husband finds her even less appealing then ever. But rather than face up to his contributions to the problem will choose instead to run after every skirt available to him (hence your husband's wild partying, keeping in touch with his exes, and endless chats with numerous women). He even admitted to you that he was in a relationship with one of these ladies for about a year after you'd given birth to your second child, didn't he? Again, you obviously must have put on weight (no fault of yours) but he certainly didn't find you attractive, hence him starting an affair outside.

Shiningmama, I know this is a hard read for you especially if I'm hitting the nail squarely on the head but I'm pushing you forward. Your kids are probably under six years of age (still very young) and if getting an office job with your university qualifications is out of the question, then focus on starting a business of your own. You did say that you've got some skills / talents? Good.

~ If you can cook / bake, then think of starting your own cake making or food business from home. That way you can still keep an eye on your kids. If they're already in nursery, even better for you.

~ If you can sew, then again start thinking of running your own tailoring business from home. Find out how much it would cost you to hire a sewing maching, and do your research on the market. In the meantime, strengthen your hand by sewing your kids' clothes and if you're really good, consider getting a small contract to sew school uniforms for any of your local / private nursery, primary, or secondary schools. Get someone to introduce you to the schools' headmaster / headmistress and see what they can do for you.

~ If you're into hair dressing then again do your research and follow the advice up here ^^.

~ Or are you interested in organizing events? Or running your own creche for little kids?

See, the list is endless, but you must start something of your own. If the reason for your husband's change in attitude towards you was because you lost your job / your company folded up, then when he sees you're on your way to finding your own two feet again, he will come back to you.

I also want to advice you to take care of yourself. Go online and look up YouTube videos for simple exercises you can do to keep yourself in shape. Now mind you, you aren't doing this for him, but for yourself. I mean it. Exercising is a very good way to relieve stress. It also helps lower your BP, and gives you a right boost to your self-confidence, because as you start to see the outward changes to your body, you'll feel so much better, more self-assured in your abilities. But please, don't over do it or go on a crash diet. Start nice and slow and keep it up, whether hubby comes back to you or not. Remember, you're doing this for yourself. Also, if you can, try and get a goodnight's sleep. Aim to get your household chores done on time, feed, bathe, and put your kids to bed on time. If oga's not in, still make his food and cover it, so when he gets home he can eat (and hopefully, won't have to disturb you from your sleep). If he is in, then still do as adviced and then go to bed. If he wants to ping / text / chat the night away OMGing and LOLing at his whores, turn your back on him and sleep. Act like you don't care. And you really shouldn't. Fill your mind with thoughts of what you plan to do with your time the next day. Make mental notes on what you must do to get your business up and running, who you need to contact, how you need to source funds, and so on. Just ignore him and leave him to his devices. He go tire.

Now, as to his infidelity. This really is painful but like we mentioned a few pages ago, you really can't change a person unless they want to change. You can shout at him, yell, quarrel, keep tabs on his movements and mistresses but if he's dead set on his ways and sees no need to change, then you are fighting against a brick wall. Right now, you aren't earning so you're totally dependent on him and this gives him the power and control which he's disrespectfully wielding against you. If you were working, I would have advocated for a temporary separation from him, so you can clear your mind and give yourself some breathing space. You've not been intimate with him since the birth of your last child, for fear of contacting deadly STDs. Fair enough. But at the same time, always protect yourself incase the inevitable happens. Buy a pack of condoms and store away in one of his drawers / cupboards.

I don't know how common marriage councellors are in Lagos and their availability / affordability. You both seriously need professional help to pinpoint where things went so horribly wrong, but it's a joint effort. If he's not interested in making his marriage work, then you'll be back to square one of trying to steer that ship on your own.

However, come what may, whether he changes for the better or not, you must start earning money. The longer you leave it, the harder it'll get and the more depressed you'll be. I also want you to cleanse your mind of all suicidal thoughts. Right now. No one has the power to determine your happiness unless you let them. Life is beautiful. Shiningmama, grab it with both hands and LIVE!