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Re: Babyosisi's Marital Advice To New And Intended Wives by Nobody: 1:54pm On Mar 06, 2015 |
3cycle:I don't understand this,the two sentences don't gel,someone you don't love and someone you leave and never stopped loving Is it possible to love in marriage? I also don't get this Do you mean loving your husband or loving someone else while married Can you be more explicit |
Re: Babyosisi's Marital Advice To New And Intended Wives by Nobody: 2:00pm On Mar 06, 2015 |
babyosisi:Sorry for the confusion. My que is, can you marry someone you don't love believing that the love will come later in marriage? |
Re: Babyosisi's Marital Advice To New And Intended Wives by Nobody: 2:08pm On Mar 06, 2015 |
All I want to say is, there is a good man in every socioeconomic class (and also across different educational, intelligence and wit levels). It's not only men in lower classes that are good. I don't sense that preternatural is a frivolous Brazilian weave type like the poster msstunner was. If you're not feeling it after 3 years, it's time to move on instead of spending the next 10-20yrs waiting for the love to develop in marriage while wishing you had married someone else. You have already given it a fair chance. 10 Likes |
Re: Babyosisi's Marital Advice To New And Intended Wives by Nobody: 2:14pm On Mar 06, 2015 |
3cycle: There are always exceptions to every rule but my simple answer is no Anything you see in a man and overlook will quadruple in size in marriage (my theory) So whatever you cannot handle now ,you are better off moving on I have written here that there is absolutely no flaw about my husband that I didn't see at courtship Any man you cannot confidently show to your friends and family as the one you love is most likely not the one for you He doesn't have to be handsome,intelligent rich or tall Anyhow he is go full your belle That is the one 2 Likes |
Re: Babyosisi's Marital Advice To New And Intended Wives by Nobody: 2:17pm On Mar 06, 2015 |
ileobatojo: I agree My question to the girl will always be If while single you hear that the man is wedding next month,how will you feel ? If the girl can sincerely say,I will be happy for him and not be sad,then she made the right decision but if she wishes she were the one or spends years comparing every man she meets to him,she obviously lost out on a gem 4 Likes |
Re: Babyosisi's Marital Advice To New And Intended Wives by chikkyB: 3:17pm On Mar 06, 2015 |
Intresting and quite educating |
Re: Babyosisi's Marital Advice To New And Intended Wives by Nobody: 4:03pm On Mar 06, 2015 |
ileobatojo:very true, that theirs ended well does not mean all must end well, thus she shouldnt be guilt into accepting what she is not really into. The other side of the coin is what has not been loudly sounded. Someone told me of how she visited her school mother but had to cut short the visit cos of the happenings, school mum married a good man she never loved out of pity and selfishness, according to this girl, her school mother is nice to everbody but her hubby even after years and kids. She resents him, is easily irritated by him and scream at everything the man does. Schoolmum is not proud of herself though, infact she is a shadow of herself yet she still cant love him and the man is still very good to her. The girl could not endure the torture environment even though they were nice to her, she swore never to go back there. My only advice to pretenature is to be sure she gave her all without holding back so that there is no future regret, if she is not feeling him after this, it is ok, not her fault and shouldnt force it. 6 Likes |
Re: Babyosisi's Marital Advice To New And Intended Wives by Nobody: 4:14pm On Mar 06, 2015 |
Floodgater: I also shared a story about a friend of mine who prayed for a suitor after men had stopped coming and married the next one that showed up after her prayers because she said it must have been God's will for her even though she had zero attraction towards the man. Almost two decades later,she still feels the same way about him,no attraction whatsoever,just managing him The man treats her very well by the way but she still grits her teeth when he touches her and she hates the part of the country he is from till today ,never ever imagined to marry someone from there. Isn't that torture I wouldn't wish that on anyone.it should feel good before saying I do What I gather from mzstunner's post is that you can grow to love and appreciate the man while courting before marrying him That should be ok then But if you are unable to get past that at courtship,you shouldn't marry him to be on the safer side 5 Likes |
Re: Babyosisi's Marital Advice To New And Intended Wives by cococandy(f): 4:29pm On Mar 06, 2015 |
Awwwww So sweet. I wish you guys all the best. I'm such a sucker for love stories #teamhopelessromantic MzStunner: |
Re: Babyosisi's Marital Advice To New And Intended Wives by Nobody: 4:38pm On Mar 06, 2015 |
3cycle:The thing is to love is a woman's thing, a woman can actually love anything if she opens her heart, that is why hearts are easily broken or a beauty ending up with a beast. The principal thing is for a woman to know what she wants to open her heart to love. Love and friendship is what is needed for marriage because sometimes one sustains during rough times more than the other. Hence it is advice to open your heart to love a friend not just anybody although not all friends can be loved in sexual wise. Now you would have notice that you just dont flow with certain people no matter what not because they are bad, with these kinds you dont pray or hope to fall inlove as it will only cause damage...this is what i want preternature to be sure of before quiting. So 3cycle, when a woman does not love a man, she should find and correct it before marriage to be safer. Is it because it is not up to taste but can be upgraded like mzstunner's, is it a bad irredeemable trait, is it something that is not totally bad but you know you cant get past it now or prolly in future like Osisi's case or you just dont flow regardless of how good/bad the man is. The first case is the only one i subscribe to and the change must be done before marriage, if time does not permit its completion, there must be tangible result before and assurance of continuity after marriage. The difference between you and those whose love grew after marriage is that they didnt know what you know now, so towing their path may end you where they are or the unlucky group making it better to err on caution's side. Mzstunner is applauded all over but i hope it is also seen that she corrected and fell inlove before marriage. 3 Likes |
Re: Babyosisi's Marital Advice To New And Intended Wives by Nobody: 4:42pm On Mar 06, 2015 |
babyosisi:Sometimes you just dont flow with some people, it doesnt make you or them bad. 3 Likes |
Re: Babyosisi's Marital Advice To New And Intended Wives by Nobody: 4:43pm On Mar 06, 2015 |
3cycle: Personaly I will say its not a good idea to marry someone one doesnt love at all. What if you never end up loving him? he will be working hard to make you happy, but you wont apreciate it or feel him That means that you would have both been robbed of some happiness in your lives. There has to be some attraction There will be dark days and its the love, atttaction and friendship that will keep you going until the relationship reboots itself and you start moving again. On the other hand, love alone does not sustain a marriage . . Love wont feed a hungry tummy, put food on the table or satisfy sexual urges I think a lot of ingredients go into marriage and then we fine tune how much pepper, sugar or maggi we put in according to taste. 4 Likes |
Re: Babyosisi's Marital Advice To New And Intended Wives by thorpido(m): 4:49pm On Mar 06, 2015 |
3cycle:He may not be a man that sweeps you off your feet like it is for some but the warmth and some fondness should be there. I believe in God's will but I also believe the will comes with a 'lovableness'.God can't just give you what will not trip you afteral.The bible says His gifts are good and perfect. If you really don't feel him even after spending some time together,then it's better to quit. There are quite a no of women just managing who they married.It's not worth the torture. 3 Likes |
Re: Babyosisi's Marital Advice To New And Intended Wives by Nobody: 4:58pm On Mar 06, 2015 |
babyosisi: LOL Na true o! By then, there will be robots and Apps who can bath and feed baby . . .no need for Omugwo sef No need to be there opening pot of soup and monitoring how big the DIL cuts meat and and watching kanayo o Kanayo all day long while baby sleeps 2 Likes |
Re: Babyosisi's Marital Advice To New And Intended Wives by Nobody: 6:04pm On Mar 06, 2015 |
Floodgater: So, so spot on! (really everything is spot on, not just the bolded) In addition, mzstunner also has a guy that's receptive to change and willing to, just as she has changed too. 7 Likes |
Re: Babyosisi's Marital Advice To New And Intended Wives by Preternatura1(f): 7:17pm On Mar 06, 2015 |
[quote author=Onegai post=31345274] I will encourage you to break up with him. Ehhhh you'll most likely regret it but at least you'll learn beautifully from the experience, lol. oya shall I be frank? Please answer the following: Is your dad/mum a lifetime member of Ikoyi club? If they Google your last name, does something pop up? Do your parents own real estate somewhere in UK (preferably St John's wood)? How many times have you or your family flown 1st class on BA? Where's the Riding school in Lagos located and when did any of your brothers start playing polo? Do you have tickets to MUSON concerts on standby? If you get married tomorrow, will you be assured of at least N1mil in gifts from your own family? If no to all those answers, you are not a "butty" you are a mere Nigerian girl who has filled her mind with Instagram, Bella Naija and Linda Ikeji's vulgar excesses. And sweetie, all them posh boys, they don't marry middle class girls. So you better go give yourself lots of brain or just break up with what sounds like a man who cares about you (who isn't perfect). Sorry if I sound harsh but the unrealistic and materialistic expectation I see in Naija society is irritating. Particularly when I watch men and women make life decisions based on it. Now if you had told me "I don't like this or that in his character" that's great. That's important. But you are not that much further up the social ladder than he (most people attract and marry from their social class) and you feel you deserve Mr. Cream-Wannabe-Proposal-in-Dubai because you are wearing fine dresses and fixing "brazilian". Just break up with him. Sigh Lol , that's some tough love there but I honestly do appreciate as I really want to be sure of what I'm doing. When I said he's not in the caliber of men I want, I don't necessarily mean in terms of riches, it's more about how he tends to see things most times, I did make mention of the fact that I find myself questioning his intelligence and how I think he isn't exposed enough, it's not all about money and I do honestly know that, he will be able to propose to me in dubai if that's what it'll take, as he travels well on business but still, I just think his mentality is still somehow. Let me give you examples. I think kids shouldn't be flogged, he thinks otherwise, I like to tip always, he thinks it's me being wasteful, I can and actually prefer to eat out instead of cooking, he thinks that's just absurd(I can count how many times I saw my mum cook,we had people do it while I was growing up, most times my parents ate out),I pay someone to do house chores and that's something he doesn't understand, things like these is what I mean. There won't be any need to write my family history or financial statements but believe me when I say,I'd be mad if I got gifts worth 1 million from them and he is the one going on about me being a "butty" btw. Thank you very much however, for your contribution, you have indeed been very helpful. I will take sometime to think it . 2 Likes |
Re: Babyosisi's Marital Advice To New And Intended Wives by Preternatura1(f): 7:22pm On Mar 06, 2015 |
Floodgater:Thank you, I think he can wait, he started talking marriage on my 24th birthday and if he's waited this long,i think 3 months won't kill him . Thanks again. |
Re: Babyosisi's Marital Advice To New And Intended Wives by Preternatura1(f): 7:47pm On Mar 06, 2015 |
MzStunner:Wow! Why do I feel weak after reading your post? This is just too powerful. To answer your questions. Yes he keeps his words and I trust him, I'm not worried about him and other women at all, he respects women but believes women shouldn't meddle in somethings, he thinks a woman must know how to cook, clean and should do it, I don't want to have babies the natural way and he says that's defying nature. I honestly don't know about him willing to share if I don't contribute, as that area is one I don't even bother myself about, because I believe I don't have to depend on him, he spends on the relationship and me however, just like I do too, money has never caused a misunderstanding between us. I'm just worried he may insist I start seeing/doing those things I mentioned his own way as he always says "no matter what, we are still Africans" and this is affecting how I feel about the relationship now that marriage is the next stop, I feel he's just letting me have my way now because we are not married yet. Thank you, your post is very insightful, I will think it through. 1 Like |
Re: Babyosisi's Marital Advice To New And Intended Wives by Preternatura1(f): 7:54pm On Mar 06, 2015 |
Thank you everyone who has contributed as regards my issue, I sincerely feel honored that you all can take out time out of your busy lives to address the matter. Merci beaucoup. 5 Likes |
Re: Babyosisi's Marital Advice To New And Intended Wives by Nobody: 8:05pm On Mar 06, 2015 |
Preternatura1:You are welcome. Now that you opened up more, i can see part of the naivety slack i cut you earlier. You know that this man really loves you, the average naija man with his average mentality would have written you off as no wife material but you are the one making "shakara". Both of you reason the way you do because of your background which doesnt make either totally wrong, the key thing is compromise. The good thing is he seem wholly in love, use it to your advantage. Know that it may not always be exactly how you want it to be all the time, same with him. Teach him to see from your view as you work on yourself to reason from his end too. Do you know the traits from you both can greatly complement and strengthen each other. I dont want to imagine how your children will be if you get a man that does not flog, dont cook or do chores in this naija not leaving out the possibility of him not loving you like this man. As you break, read books on marriage and how men handle issues so that you can mature more and teach him even as you learn from him. Do you know the best type of marriage is the one the man loves the woman without any reservation or mentality of i am the man and a woman must be a woman, thus not know everything about me. Provided he is willing to compromise, you too compromise. And please add a bit of respect and value to him and all he has done for you, i think it can go a long way. |
Re: Babyosisi's Marital Advice To New And Intended Wives by gleatz: 8:05pm On Mar 06, 2015 |
Lovely thread. Been on it for days now ant its worst it. Of a truth, most times what we so desire and love might not be the best for us @ the later end of life. I am a living witness, though not married but ve had some terrible experiences with Love. Just came out of a rship of about 5yrs. Twas ffull of tears 70% and 30% joy, did unthinkable things, was putting in all I could think just to make it work, risked my life countless time just to have a happy ending. I never had any ptob with the relatives, never depended on him for my daily needs cos I could take care of myself instead I was even giving him cash. It was glaring I loved him more, I saw the signs that he was cheating, I still did not leave him. All of a sudden, he got a better job and remembered h is first love that left for over 8yrs cos he could not provide for her. Anyway the real cheating started, caught him red handed and that was the beginning of our prob. I thought I could not live without him but little did I know that it was prayer answered. Its been months but I am a better and happy person. I know someday soonest I would find love and my god given uhband that would treat me like a queen. Of a truth, love alone is not enough, no be by being a fine boy. If I had stubbornly continued, it would ve been a home of managing his flaws, paying the billls of the house, not loved full of misery and patching. 13 Likes |
Re: Babyosisi's Marital Advice To New And Intended Wives by Nobody: 8:39pm On Mar 06, 2015 |
I see men and marriage in three groups. The first group are those who go into marriage baring all their cards without reservations, they love totally. The second are first concerned about their masculity, they always assert their headship, they dont believe in loving a woman 100%, they hold some back that is why they keep secrets from their wifes. This group is the average husband, he would rather seek and prefare friends opinion to that of his wife. What he doesnt know is that he is hindering the full potential of his wife's love. He doesnt really need all that attitude for a woman that love him. The last group marry because people get married. Every womans dream is the first group, trully they are the best but few. Still most women dont prepare their sons to be in the first group. I notice that most men learn what it means to be married from friends and sustain it with friends opinions. Women please prepare your sons so that your daughters whom most times you prepared can meet a prepared man. 5 Likes 1 Share |
Re: Babyosisi's Marital Advice To New And Intended Wives by EfemenaXY: 8:44pm On Mar 06, 2015 |
Oh my...this thread has really gone far since I last logged in. Oya lemme play catch up... 1 Like |
Re: Babyosisi's Marital Advice To New And Intended Wives by EfemenaXY: 8:47pm On Mar 06, 2015 |
babyosisi: Absolutely ridiculous. I'm actually at a loss for words here. 1 Like |
Re: Babyosisi's Marital Advice To New And Intended Wives by EfemenaXY: 9:05pm On Mar 06, 2015 |
nannymcphee: I don't think this "worked" out. Sometimes, the smart thing to do is to count your losses and move on, especially when lives are at risk. What you're advocating here is tolerance of domestic violence and that is so wrong. On every level. nannymcphee: What exactly are you driving at here? Having a cheating spouse is just as bad as one who's inclined towards violence. The end results are always the same. Death. nannymcphee: It's better to run for the hills without looking back if the partner you're dating is a chronic cheat and can't keep it between their legs, rather than go ahead with marrying them only to "kindly discuss and give conditions". What sort of conditions? Infact in such an instance, I wouldn't even blame the cheating guy if he was open about his indiscretions right from the beginning. You can't fault him for being truthful. The fault would lie solely with any such woman who despite knowing this, decides to go an and marry him, in the vain hope that he will change. 2 Likes |
Re: Babyosisi's Marital Advice To New And Intended Wives by EfemenaXY: 9:11pm On Mar 06, 2015 |
babyosisi: Lol! Now this puts it all in perspective! 2 Likes |
Re: Babyosisi's Marital Advice To New And Intended Wives by Preternatura1(f): 9:15pm On Mar 06, 2015 |
Madampinkolo:. You are a very funny woman, I love your sense of humor. No, his english is not bad but his accent isn't all that(i do know that I don't particularly speak english language like a briton would, yet somehow, people don't usually believe I was mostly bred in Nigeria) and I don't have much problem with this, I just kinda want my kids to not speak like him, he sometimes pick offense, when I try to correct him. His Dressing is very much okay now, he listens to my advice on this some times but I'd like him to spend more on what he wears, he kinda complains about me spending "too much" money on stuffs,and doesn't see why I should buy label brand when I can get it somewhere cheaper, this doesn't really cause any problems as the money I spend is mine, I only take gifts from him In the early stage of our relationship, I told him to stop buying things for me because I didn't really like the kinda things he bought, overtime he stepped up, but I feel he won't really continue this way after marriage now, having read most of the stories on how marriage changes people. His Primary and secondary education was in the village, he was offered admission into college and moved to the city where he has remained. He knows how to drink from a champagne glass and his cutlery etiquette is okay but he would rather eat with only a spoon than with a fork/knife which is not really a problem for me, but what about my kids? He travels but its usually for business and he doesn't stay long when he does. It's not like I'm ashamed of him but I wouldn't like a situation where my family or friends will be asking why he needs to fill the glass to the brim or why he doesn't chew with his mouth closed, the first time he was in my house(dad's birthday), my niece asked him to please be quiet(he was on the phone laughing) because she was watching her show, he didn't find it funny, said the kid is spoilt and wouldn't take it lightly if his child did something like that, I tried to make him understand that it's not the way he saw it but he wouldn't take it. If I hadn't intervened when I noticed what happened, he probably would have scolded her and that wouldn't have ended well. I met him on a plane, he was sitting next to me, he kept me company and somehow we ended up lovers. I don't consider myself a vain or shallow person, I just don't want to encounter too much problems in my marriage. My family doesn't know he's talking marriage as I've not told them, if I do and tell them my reservations, they'd mostly ask me to call it quits especially if I tell my sisters or mum his stand on the things I buy, that's mostly why I brought it here to get unbiased opinions. He took me to meet his mum, she asked me to cook oha soup and I told her I don't know how to, she was shocked but he covered for me, she also had a problem with my gown(though he asked me to change before we left but I refused), I just want to make the right choice. To be honest, I just started feeling different ever since he started talking marriage seriously, I really want to do it right, before the talks started, I didn't even know if I wanted to get married. |
Re: Babyosisi's Marital Advice To New And Intended Wives by bukatyne(f): 9:16pm On Mar 06, 2015 |
Floodgater: God bless you! It is not just women alone... the church, the mosque, the shrine, prepare your sons for marriage! Do you know in my church currently, There is no men's seminar They teach and teach women and still wonder How the marriage does not work. I Don't waste my time with such meetings anyways Good marriage books refer to the couple or have different volumes for the couple. 4 Likes |
Re: Babyosisi's Marital Advice To New And Intended Wives by bukatyne(f): 9:22pm On Mar 06, 2015 |
babyosisi: Trust me, If you are busy or with oga, you will not have time for those stuffs. I cannot imagine checking If DIL greeted with her two knees or If she called my son by his first name or last. It is not just me. I can't cope? Pack myself back home 1 Like |
Re: Babyosisi's Marital Advice To New And Intended Wives by bukatyne(f): 9:24pm On Mar 06, 2015 |
chaircover: I did not say you should do a separate post on men... Address your original post to them. It is beautiful as it is and would serve the purpose. 1 Like |
Re: Babyosisi's Marital Advice To New And Intended Wives by bukatyne(f): 9:27pm On Mar 06, 2015 |
Chinum: Sorry for my late response Other posters have attended to your post greatly Thanks |
Re: Babyosisi's Marital Advice To New And Intended Wives by EfemenaXY: 9:32pm On Mar 06, 2015 |
Onegai: I love this. The bolded got me laughing though... |
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