Dear Members,

Please, I need your help. I am planning on writing a novel that projects Christian Value with Nigeria flavour. I want it to be a world-class standard novel like the Harrold Robins, John Grisham, James Hadley Chase, etc

So I need your help to critique part of the novel which I have been writing in my blog-www.dipotepede.com

P.S.-I started writing heavily about 3 months ago so please be truthful in your critism so I can grow as a writer.

The write-up is below this thread.

Memoirs of a virgin

Lara looked at the mirror and liked what she saw; her face was looking very bright and the make-up fitted perfectly into her dark skin. Her bust lifted her shirt revealing the gold chain with a diamond pendant reflecting across the mirror. She adjusted the seat of her Honda car because she was feeling quite uncomfortable with the Channel suit. She drove past the gate of the church hastely and headed home regretting her decision to come to church; the message was the same, and she felt so dry in her soul. Worst of all, Emeka (or Brother Emeka) was not any where in sight.

Emeka had always accompanied her home after church and his absence brought a sense of loss to her. She had struggled with the decision of waiting for him which translated to two hours of dry songs and messages. She was driving unusually very fast along Lekki Express way as the air conditioning affected her judgment; she was lucky to get home in one piece. She horned expecting the security man to open the gate but after 5 minutes of waiting; she parked the car by the side of the road. She hurriedly walked into the compound and headed straight to the boys quarter thinking of how she was going to deal with the security man. She heard an unusual moan coming straight from the door of the boy’s quarter and atmosphere was pungent. She had opened the door, before she remembered the courtesy of knocking. Her legs became very weak as the image was very lucid; her best friend, Ene was stark naked and was over the naked security man; both were lost to the present reality and seem to be enjoying themselves.

She hurriedly walked to the car and sat inside, putting her head on the dash board. She laughed strongly at the scene she just witnessed though still in utter shock. Ene, born-again sister, spirikoko, sleeping with the security man. She could not help the tears that dripped out of her face as she laughed. She quickly regained herself and wondered what could make a prayer warrior like Ene fall so low as to commit fornication. Ene was a beautiful woman and very spiritual but the scene she witnesses seemed like a dream. She quickly nudged herself to reality thinking of how she will deal with this incident. Ene must have thought she was coming home in 2 hours time, she would never had guessed she will leave the church early enough.

Lara had never discussed her virginity with Ene though she shared a lot of herself with her. She and Ene had come a long way right from secondary school to the same university and now working in different industry. They joined the same bank but Lara left the bank for a telecoms company. They both worked and lived in the same house in Victoria Island for 3 years now, waiting for their dream husbands. Ene had always been more principled than she was in the Christian faith, she had always steered the cause. Lara looked across the window and noticed Ene’s Toyota Camry and wondered why she had not seen it earlier. She must have been so angry with the security guy. This was not her first time, she was experiencing unusual events, and this was the second. The first occurred in their university days at OAU; she had gone for an all night service in church and left very early in order to meet with her fiancé before he left forLagos en-route to London for Masters. He had come earlier to visit her before he took off for a 15 months program in Oil and Gas. He spent 2 days in the hotel and was leaving very early the next day to meet his appointed flight.

Lara’s fellowship organized an all night fellowship at one of the halls which was due at 5.00 am on Saturday. She left the service at 3.30 am in order to reach the hostel on time and cook for her fiancé. She had calculated the time it will take her to reach his hotel. On her way to her hostel, rain poured heavily shielding the moon; she quickly took solace in one of the building. She was shocked when she saw a figure come out of the building holding a knife. On close observation, it was a guy wearing a mask and approaching her.” Pull your clothes off” said the guy.

“Why?” She said but she was shocked with her boldness. “I said pull off your clothes” He insisted, pointing the knife to her direction. She quickly backed off and quickly said “okay, you want me but please, you will be gentle with me. I will cooperate.” There was a hint of smile coming from the mask. He seemed settled as she pulled her blouse revealing her bra. She immediately pulled her skirt, then she said ” I am a Christian so I will be hurting God if I do not tell you this secret.” “What secret?” he barked.” I am HIV positive” she said very slowly and convincingly. He jumped back, stood motionlessly and ran away.

She dressed up very quickly and ran to her hostel despising the rain. She got to her room and noticed every other student was sleeping. She climbed on her bed, wrapped herself under the blanket and shook. After 10 minutes, she recalled the event and laughed at her ingenuity. She was saved from being raped like an animal, she wondered where the courage and lies came from but she was happy her virginity was kept intact. She immediately regretted not giving her fiancé her virginity when he piqued her about it. She could not wait to tell him. She waited till

7.00am and immediately boarded a bus to town. She got the hotel and she was not too shocked to hear the fiancé had gone. The concierge handed her a piece of paper from her fiancé and written on it was;

You bitch; you want to give me HIV. The relationship is over……………,

i really like the story, it's very discriptive and gives us insight into the main characters thoughts and past. I also like the theme and name of the story but i guess u already know it goes with memoirs of a geisha.
And the next time you are going to write a which is has sexual insight say so at the begining, i have to know if i'm going to end up taking a cold shower. Very good story though i'm sure you'll go far.

Ooops !Man, That was perfect,u really tried but u av to make some corrections and complete the story cos i cant wait to read the END OF THE STORY. . .

Cheers

@ Damsal

Thanx so much!

@ Play-boy

Thanx. What are the corrections? I am truly interested.

@ iice

Thanx so much but I will appreciate the corrections

@ iice

The story is not complete but some pieces are available on the site.

What do you have in mind?

The story line is very perfect!


Its a nice play!

i need the conclusion b4 any criticism
4 naw

lol thats crazzy!!

i like it, i want to read some more

Dear all,

The story continues;


JUMAI’S REDEMPTION


“What is the meaning of born-again?”

Jumai quizzed as she looked directly at Lara who was lying on her sofa. Lara looked up and wasn’t too surprised at the question; Jumai loved arguing with her especially on religious issues and being married to Musa who joined the born-again click one week before their wedding day made her arguments with her much heated up. Jumai was a first class Law student who believed strongly in social development and arguing with a very strong opinionated Muslim was not Lara’s way of spending the Sunday afternoon especially after the unusual incident at her own residence with Ene and the security man.


“Jumai, you read the bible more than I do and you own almost all the versions of the bible, why ask me?” Lara sat up looking straight at her friend.” I like listening to you talk about it, dear” Jumai answered. Lara continued looking at her and knew she was serious.“The word born-again was used once in the bible and it was directed by Jesus to a teacher of the law named Nicodemus. The offshoot of the discussion was based on the productivity that Nicodemus found in Jesus life and wanted to find out the secret. Nicodemus did not fully understand the answers Jesus gave him so Jesus was surprised that a teacher of the law could not understand spiritual things”. She was interrupted by Jumai’s baby girl crying in the room. “Go on my dear, my sister will tend to her”.


Lara stood up from her seat and looked at the huge wedding picture hanging across the living room. She wondered why Musa decided to go on with the wedding despite pressure from his church. She remembered his call two day before the wedding date asking her what were the implications of marrying a Muslim. Lara was torn between her friend and the truth so in order to escape the pressure placed on her, she had simply dodged the question by referring him to 1st Corinthians 7:36. Whatever decision he made was not hers.


“Musa has changed a lot. He surprises me everyday with the wisdom he brings to every argument. He is very gentle and different from the Musa I was dating. He does not lie even when he knows it will hurt me and his business is just growing in an astronomical measure. Can you imagine that yesterday, I screamed and nagged at him for something he did not do and he merely hugged me and told me he loved me. Is that what you meant by the productivity in Jesus life?” she said rising up to join Lara. “Yes, that is what cooperating with the spirit of God does to you” Then Jumai faced her and asked her “then why is my neighbor who disturbs us with his prayer every morning not like Musa? Our neighbor is rude and he looks down on everyone as if he is holier than thou, but he seems to be having issues with his business as he borrows money all the time.” Lara was prepared for that question as she responded “Being born-again is not enough, you also have to be born of the spirit. The spirit teaches you through various medium like listening to a pastor, reading your bible and so on. That is why you read the bible and not understand. The program has not been activated inside of you to fully understand and unlock the wisdom in the Bible. You also have to cooperate with whatever he tells you to do.”


Jumai looked away from Lara, something was burning in her heart. She always felt this way whenever she discusses with Lara. There was a surge of torrent in her heart as the heat increased; this was beyond her human intellect and there was no rationale for this.Lara’s phone rang as if saving her from the embarrassing situation.“Hello Lara, I will need you to fill-up my position as I am stuck in Abuja and the singles are waiting for me this evening to speak to them.” said the speaker at the other end of the phone. Lara was shocked that the Single fellowship President could actually ask her to speak to thousands of singles. She does not even attend church regularly not to talk of attending the singles meeting. In fact, she has only been there once and she left early giving the excuse she was sick. She wondered if the lady did not make mistake with the name, so her response was “I am Lara Gbadamosi, I am sure you are speaking to the wrong person.” There was a long silence at the other end and a rich voice filled the phone “I know, I have been watching your progress ever since you joined us and I am sure you are the best person to speak on my behalf. I want you to tell the ladies especially your secret of happiness despite your singe state.” Lara was shocked but she eventually caved in and was told the talk was in 30 minutes time. After disengaging the phone, Lara was shocked beyond her wildest dream. She was to speak to thousands of singles and she was giving 30minutes to prepare not to talk of distance to reach her destination. She was about to speak to God when she realized that Jumai was still in the room. Jumai turned to her; she came to her front and knelt down as tears began to flow from her cheek”


Please, Pray for me; I want to be born-agan”………………………….

I need comments!

it was grippin and that one of the most important things - catching your audience and holding there attnetion

im talkin bout the first one, i didnt see the second one

the type of story to read on and on to unwind. 7 out of 10

This is great.I'm really enjoying it.
Holding ur audience in suspense is good, but iI hope it wont av a predictable end like every other stories in magazines.

it's obvious u've got talent. i liked the ending of the first one , a lot. but u need to work on some grammatical usage and use of tenses in the story.

for instance u used fitted; should have been fit. etc, etc.

it's good very good
this part really held me to my seat! it is suspence filled.all you need is just some little corrections!

nice stories

Good piece ! though i think its very assertive and plain to say those fornicators were 'committing immorality or having sex' rather than 'sleeping with d security man'. that sounds to me like calling a Spade a 'farm tool' and not a 'Spade'

ur too much,though. Pls kip it up !

At that command from a woman in a leather dress holding a whip, two women wearing g-strings and fishnets, chained by the neck to the hand of the woman in the leather dress, began to grind me lustfully outside of Textor 102.

"Enough!" the leather-dress woman shouted as she yanked the chains, pulling the women off me. I blew them a kiss off my red-polished fingernails as they pranced away. I adjusted my candy corn nipples, which the recent display of desire from the chained women had displaced. I also shifted the pseudo-cellulite on my butt--really two towels stuffed inside of my argyle pantyhose.

I was a drag queen supreme at this year's Rocky Horror Picture Show, held in Textor Hall, Friday and Saturday nights.

Women and men, men and men, and women and women were striking scandalous poses everywhere. I saw a woman kissing a man against the wall of Textor and pressed myself up against her, making her the meat between the bread of me and her partner in this sandwich.

Having never been to the show, I was marked a virgin by a big "V" drawn in red lipstick on my forehead. Slightly intimidated by what the distinction presented, I entered the theater.

Sitting in the front, the virgin on my left was pulled out of her chair and entered the banana eating contest with four other contestants, including a balding man who looked to be in his '50s, to see who could eat the phallic fruit in the most seductive way.

With peels on the floor and contestants in their seats, a new group crowded the front. Standing on the table, a man pulled down his pants, revealing a black thong to the crowd. He was followed by other men and women bearing their skimpy silks to hardy cheers and whistles from the crowd.

With the projector now rolling, red lips appeared on the screen as if floating in the air of a darkened Textor Hall. While the lips spoke, flash lights illuminated a cast member with a British flag tied around her waist. She danced in a way I would not expect to see in Ithaca--except at our local strip clubs. As characters appeared on the screen, matching actors appeared on the floor of Textor, mimicking the actions--orgies included--of "Frank," "Janet" and the other actors on screen.

At points in the show, the audience threw rice and bread across the room as the crowd shouted profanity at the screen.

Cast member Adam Bricault, a sophomore, who played the part of "Rocky," said he hoped virgins would leave Rocky Horror with "more of a comfort with your own body after you see people that are so comfortable with their own bodies that they can perform this kind of a show; that maybe they could walk away being able to laugh at things and not being so intimidated by other [sexual behaviors]."

I had never been to a drama that was as physical as what I saw at Rocky Horror--it was a new experience for me.

"There's something about Rocky like drinking. People lose their inhibitions," said junior Bob Oswald, who has seen the show three times. "What can you say about Rocky? It just has to be experienced."

I didn't understand the movie at all, but I loved the experience. I'll definitely come next year to see the spectacle that is Ithaca College unzipped.

Thank you all for your comments; I really appreciate it!

Does this mean I am good to go with the novel.

Check the next piece below this post.

Lonely Londoner


Parker stumbled into Harrods and headed straight into the shirt section. His head began to do numbers on how much it will amount to when he converts the cost of a shirt to Nigeria Naira and he immediately stopped; the figure was running to six digits. He looked at his seven months old SWATCH and felt out of place with the crowd. He knew he had to get a shirt because he had a meeting in 30 minutes time that will change his career for good. He had left his apartment at the North to Knight Bridge with a clean Calvin Klein shirt and Polo by Ralph Chinos but he had messed the shirt up because of his frequent habit of masturbation. He immediately weighed the price heavily against his savings and decided to look for a cheaper shop. As he turned round to go, he was greeted by his past; standing face to face with him and extending her fingers was Jumai.



“Hello Parker, what a surprise?” as she extended her hand and on the move to hug him. Parker immediately shifted away, not wanting her to notice the sperm-stained shirt, he immediately held her on her shoulders “look at you, you look so beautiful” he managed to say and quickly added “I heard you finally married Musa.” She was shocked at his behavior towards him “Is this how you speak to someone you have not communicated with for the past 4 years?” He immediately felt ashamed with his present behavior and said “I am very sorry Jumai, why not give me your contact in UK and I promise to check on you but right now I am pressed for an urgent meeting.” Parker bolted away as soon as they exchanged phone numbers and addresses. Jumai immediately went after him calling his name. “Hey Parker, let me invite you for a church program this night” she said immediately she caught up with him. She handed him the flier and patted his back.




Parker had never been hit with a “triple in one” shock; Jumai, an Islam protagonist turns Christian, a very poor girl in school picking suits upon suits in Harrods and the very reserved and ugly Jumai looking trendy and beautiful. Jumai had always had a thing for him and he took the advantage of that weakness to sleep with her. Now he wandered if it was possible again with all this church talk. He immediately recalled the night he met with Lara; the crazy babe he dated for three years, all the time proclaiming she was a virgin and ended up being an HIV patient. He and Musa had gone to Moremi Hall to see Jumai and he was immediately struck with the beautiful, elegant and well dressed lady he saw in Jumai’s corner. He was overwhelmed and all his senses were lost. He knew he must have this girl, as she said “hello, Jumai is in the bathroom. Let me tell her you are here” She dropped the book she was reading and went out of the door. He quickly regained his senses and picked up the book; on the cover was inscribed “REFORMATION OF THE CHURCH BY Noel Woodruff”. He did the calculation of the next line of approach.



When Lara came back in, he asked her casually about her fellowship and said he was interested in joining one. The rest was history though it took Lara 2 years to finally concede with his advances. As he stood on the street of Central London, he regretted thinking about Lara because he knew he would not be able to think about anything else. He looked at his watch and realized it was seven minutes to the meeting time and he had not bought the shirt. There was an immediate spasm of urge that flowed through his body and he felt so mad at himself. “Not now” he said to himself as the urge sprang a deep feeling inside of him. He tried to pray but he felt empty and he determined to use his will to overcome this one as he headed straight to the meeting place. He looked to his side and saw two couples engaging in a very deep kiss, he immediately turned to the restaurant he ate this morning, headed straight to the toilet to start the process of masturbation

Thank's every one for your commendments

nice. really nice. deep. good storyline. full of suspense. tho some grammatical corrections r needed. all in all tis pretty tite. 8/10.

way to go man. goodluck!!!

wow, dipo,
that was awesome,,,men,,, love the story line and all,, very innovative, you really have the talent of a prolific writer, but you just need a lil brushing up here and there, and watch out for diction and spelling errors.
men, we have another Achebe or Soyinka in the making.lol.
u go, guy
i'll score u 9 out 0f 10.

@ crazykid,
wot in God's name was that, that was OBVIOUSLY lifted from a book, and it was quite disturbing, belongs in the porn section, not here.

Dipotepede,
I read the first part and that is actually what the professional readers of publishers would do to determine whether you are worth further consideration or to tell you to master how to write first before writing a full-length novel.

Your title is perfect and the sooner you register it with the copyrights commission the better and safer you would be.

If you are in Nigeria, go to the National Library and get the ISBN for your novel in order to save the title from being stolen by opportunists online and offline.

Now on your story.

You already know your story and your characters are allright. But beware of intellectual and social anachronisms.

I see that you have not researched very well or you did not research at all before writing your story.

Your story calls for thorough research on the circumstantial possibility or probability of the bizarre occurrences of the incongrous and incongruous behaviour of Ene sleeping with the security guard in the BQ when she could have taken him to a more rational and appropriate place to avoid the harassment and embarrassment of being caught or seen and on Sunday of all days? And that encounter of Lara with the attacker who wanted to rape her and just mentioning that she had HIV put the man off? In most cases such excuses would not have frightened the attacker. And could she be raped there without her screams alarming others.

You have to study the best language to use and research the words as well. Your sentences must be appropriate. How should the words be used and how appropriate would the words be in such a condition or position and situation or location?

Lara's reaction to the shocking sight of Ene and the security man was faulty. Where was the location of the BQ in the house that the honks of her car could not be heard by the security man or Ene who would have been apprehensive of being discovered by Lara whom she knew was returning from church?
What kind of house were they?
A private duplex belonging to Lara alone or a block of flats with other tenants?
If there were other tenants, where were they at this time? All of them were not around or were ignorant of the others.
Would the security man have preferred to have sex with Ene at such a time with the certainty or uncertainty of Lara or other tenants catching him unawares?

Again, the manner of speech of every character must be ascertained from their level of education.

A university graduate with good education should not be speaking secondary school grammar. Because, a Nigerian who has spent years in England and educated there cannot speak like a Nigerian who was born and bred in Nigeria. And also a Nigerian who had Ivy League education cannot speak like the one that went from from local "Jakande" primary and secondary schools to Lagos State University (LASU) where many graduates are internet illiterates. Most people develop their knowledge of the English language during their formative years from the primary school to the secondary school. That is why someone from Corona or Atlantic Hall school will speak better English than someone in LASU who came from the "Jakande" Alakara school in the Ghetto of Mushin in Lagos.

You need to take time to study the common errors in English grammar before writing your novels.

You will also improve your knowledge of the English language by interacting with others in American and English forums.

Many members of Nigerian forums abuse and misuse the English grammar and most of them claim to be students and graduates of higher institutions. And I hope they are not disgracing Nigeria in American and British forums.

I am mentioning all the above salient points, because you have to address them if you want to write a good novel and these points are even missing in the prose of many ignorant Nigerian writers, because of their limited knowledge of the English language.

I have a book that I recommend to those who want to write serious prose, poetry or drama. It was written by a Nigerian tutor.

Well done!

@ Orikinla

Let me see if I can draw up a bullet point for your review;

1. I should safe gaurd the title because it's okay and can be stolen

2. I did not research my story

3. You recommended an improvement in my English Language.

4. You want me to interact with others in American and English Forum


Thanx for the review!

i jst wanted a glance of it but i jst cudnt stop readin. the story line is perfect.but d part about d events precedin d rain should be explained better, i got a little confused.i mean wer lara was goin to meet the guy if u get what i mean.but the description is so vivid and very creative. keep it up.before i forget, the last line was so touchin, i cried out.am talkin bout d first part.am yet to read others.

hmmmmmmmmmmmm OrIkInLa the reveiwer

i just looked at your story. the plot is absorbing. i'm an English language major and i usually edit books. so i'm going to try to edit yours and if u dont like it u dont have to accept it. the modified aspects are emboldened.

Lara looked at the mirror and liked what she saw; her face was looking very bright and the make-up fit perfectly into her dark skin. Her bust slightly lifted her shirt[b], [/b] revealing the gold chain with a diamond pendant reflecting in the mirror. She adjusted the seat of her Honda car because she was feeling quite uncomfortable with the Chanel suit. She drove past the gate of the church in a hurry to get home, regretting her decision to come to church[b]. The [/b] message had been the same, and she felt so dry in her soul. Worst of all, Emeka (or Brother Emeka) was nowhere in sight.

Emeka had always accompanied her home after church and his absence brought a sense of loss to her. She had struggled with the decision of waiting for him which translated to two hours of dry songs and messages. She was driving unusually fast along Lekki Expressway as the air conditioning affected her judgment[b](this sentence is not clear. explain how it affects her judgement). [/b] She was lucky to get home in one piece. She hooted impatiently, expecting the security man to open the gate but after five minutes of waiting, she parked the car by the side of the road. She hurriedly walked into the compound and headed straight to the 'boys' quarters' thinking of how she was going to deal with the 'security man'. She heard an unusual moaning sound coming straight from the door of the boys' quarters, along with some pungent odour. She had opened the door, before she remembered the courtesy of knocking. Her legs became very weak as the image was very lucid; her best friend, Ene was stark naked and was lying above the naked security man. Both were lost to the present reality and seem to be enjoying themselves.

She hurriedly walked to the car and sat inside, putting her head on the dash board. She laughed hysterically at the scene she had just witnessed, though she was still in utter shock. Ene, born-again sister, spirikoko, sleeping with the security man. ( if she is thinking, italicise it) She could not help the tears that ran down face as she laughed. She quickly regained herself and wondered what could make a prayer warrior like Ene fall so low as to commit fornication. Ene was a beautiful woman and very spiritual but the scene she witnessed seemed like a dream. She quickly nudged herself to reality, thinking of how best to deal with this incident. Ene must have thought she was coming home in 2 hours time, she would never had guessed she would leave the church early enough.

Lara had never discussed her virginity with Ene though she shared a lot of herself with her. She and Ene had come a long way right from secondary school to the same university and were now working in different industries. They had joined the same bank but Lara had left the bank for a telecommunications company. They had both worked and lived in the same house in Victoria Island for 3 years now, waiting for their dream husbands. Ene had always been more principled than Lara in the Christian faith, and she had always steered the cause. Lara looked across the window, noticed Ene’s Toyota Camry and wondered why she had missed it earlier. She must have been so angry with the security guy. This was not the first time she was experiencing unusual events. In fact, this was the second. The first occurred in their university days at OAU; when she had gone for an all night service in church and left very early in order to meet with her fiancé before he left for Lagos en-route to London for Masters. He had come earlier to visit her before he took off for a 15 months program in Oil and Gas. He spent 2 days in the hotel and was leaving very early the next day to meet his appointed flight.

Lara’s fellowship organized an all-night service at one of the halls. She had left the service at 3.30 am in order to reach the hostel on time and cook for her fiancé. She had calculated the time it would take her to reach his hotel. On her way to her hostel, rain poured heavily shielding the moon; so she took solace in one of the buildings. She was shocked when she saw a figure come out of the building holding a knife. On close observation, it was a guy wearing a mask and approaching her.

” Take your clothes off” said the guy.

“Why?” She said but she was shocked with her own boldness. “I said take off your clothes” He insisted, pointing the knife in her direction. She quickly backed off and said “okay, if you want me to, but please, be gentle with me. I will cooperate.” There was a hint of smile coming from the mask. He seemed settled as she pulled off her blouse revealing her bra. She immediately pulled her skirt, then she said
"I am a Christian so I will be hurting God if I do not tell you this secret.”
“What secret?” he barked.”
"I am HIV positive” she said very slowly and convincingly. He jumped back, stood motionlessly and ran away.

She dressed up very quickly and ran to her hostel despising the rain. She got to her room and noticed that every other student was sleeping. She climbed on her bed, wrapped herself under the blanket, shivering from the shock. After 10 minutes, she recalled the event and laughed at her ingenuity. She had been saved from being raped like an animal, she wondered where the courage and lies came from but she was happy her virginity was still intact. She immediately regretted not giving her fiancé her virginity when he was piqued about it. She could not wait to tell him.

At 7.00am, she boarded a bus to town. She got the hotel and she was not too shocked to hear the fiancé had gone. The concierge handed her a piece of paper from her fiancé and written on it was;

You bitch; you want to give me HIV. The relationship is over……………,

remember it's ur story and u can do what u like, but i just gave u my personal opinion.