There is a common complaint we have all heard from husbands at one time or the other.

•My wife can no longer satisfy me in bed,

•She just lies there like a log of wood,

•She just wants me to get it over with so she can sleep.

•It’s like I have suddenly developed a terrible body odour she can’t stand.

•She pretends to be asleep when I get into the bedroom so I will not touch her.

Have you heard all of them, and girls, how many of these sins are you guilty of? But come to think of it, that is like starting the story from the middle. How exactly does a woman move from being the hot bird in bed to the dreary log of wood, in the same bed? What makes a well-stacked woman suddenly lose all feeling in her stacks? How does a woman who couldn’t get enough of her boyfriend metamorphose into a cold wife? This same woman who used to sneak into her guy’s room when his parents went for a stroll is now the wife who feigns headache, menstrual pain, malaria, waist pain, all in one week, just to avoid her husband’s attention. Why would a woman who knew all the tricky quickies in the car, kitchen, even in his office suddenly lose all touch and expertise after marriage? Oh oh, even you are wondering.  I mean, does frigidity happen overnight?

But it is happening everywhere, okay, almost everywhere. I hear there are still a lot of hot women who are still totally hot at 50 and after 20 years of marriage. Their poor husbands are left panting hard and trying to keep up. That story is for another day. Today is about once-upon-a-time hot babes who are now cold fishes.

Sadly, most husbands just get grumpy, angry, belligerent, mean and eventually seek solace in the arms of another hot babe, leaving the cold wife in her cold place. I’m sure an unresponsive wife can be very frustrating. She leaves the man wondering if he’s still a he-man or what? And we all know that a man with all his loads in the right place is not a man to keep at arm’s length. Uh uh, you keep your man close to your chest or he will stray. Not that he needs any excuse to stray, he is a natural hunter, always looking for a prey, something to devour. Even the ones that are well-serviced still operate deregulated libidos.

So, as the Chairman, National Assembly Joint Committee on Intimate Affairs, I decided to investigate. Or…well, the answers to the posers fell in my lap.

Maria and Laolu (not real names, of course) and I have been friends for about five years. They are a sweet couple. Maria is a senior manager in one of the first generation banks while Laolu was a big shot insurance executive. He lost his job about two years ago and since then has not be able to find another. Maria slipped easily and effectively into the role of the breadwinner. She made sure the children didn’t have to change schools. She took a loan and paid two years rent. She seemed happy and very supportive of her man. I was all praises for her and told a few of our friends who are fellows of the Chartered Institute of Nagging Wives to borrow a leaf from Maria. Until one wet Saturday morning when Laolu came knocking on my door.

Maria was far from the good happy wife I thought. She had been hoarding her honey pot and freezing out Laolu.

‘I virtually have to go on my knees to sleep with my wife. Somewhere inside her head is a time table for when I can and cannot touch her. And when she let me, it was always like she was somewhere else. I simply can’t recognise this woman she has become. In every area she has been strong and supportive but I think she’s having an affair. If she’s not getting it outside, why does she suddenly find my touch repulsive?’

Aaaah, I knew calling my friend and pulling her ears was a matter of urgent national importance. I summoned her pronto. I told her what Laolu told me. First she got angry that her husband was accusing her of infidelity, then she threatened to move out and then she broke down and wept plenty.

‘Funke, I’m not having an affair and I can swear on my children’s lives. I’m just not feeling like a woman any longer. I feel like a slave. I feel like Laolu is taking me for granted. He cannot see what working like a horse is doing to me. The doctor has called both of us and warned me to slow down, work less hours, prepare to retire but how can I? There are bills to be paid and they seem to be rising directly proportionately to my blood pressure. I’m closer to 50 than 40. My health is failing but I can’t slow down because each time my husband gets a job offer, he turns it down if the salary is less than what I earn. It has to be a better job than mine with a bigger official car and a high sounding title. So, I continue to do all the work and he watches football and calls up his friends on Fridays so they can hang out with the money I make. And he wants to make love to me? I have no urge or passion for what he wants. I need to get as much sleep as I can, rest a lot to keep my blood pressure down. My boys are in private universities and they have a father who’s waiting for a bank to beg him to come and be the Managing Director/CEO.’

Like Chief Zebrudaya once said, ‘are you see what I’m see?’ Men are so logical sometimes you want to give them a ‘teacher’s knock’ on the head. If a man wants to pound, his wife must bring out the mortar and ensure the pounded yam is smooth and nice. Once his pestle is ready, the mortar must be automatically ready and where the mortar is not accessible, there must be another pestle doing the job elsewhere. Very convenient for men. But the truth is, a woman wants to be a woman. Modern woman or not, every woman wants to feel like a kept woman once in a while. She wants to be pampered, cuddled and told what to do. She needs a man to look up to, a man she can run to, someone who has the solution to her confusion. Never mind that in the office she is the lady boss whose word is law. But when she has to be hard at work and breadwinner at home, she begins to lose her womanhood and feminity. And when that happens, she stops feeling like a mortar and thus has less and less need for her pestle.

Every woman, I insist, must stand in the gap for her man when things get tough. If his economy suffers a meltdown, she must provide the bailout. But he must not go to sleep. He must find a way to quickly bounce back. A man who lets his wife start wearing his trousers should not scream when she offers him wrapper to tie. Don’t let your wife become a man because unless you are gay, you cannot make love to a man.

What does this story teach us? Women want their men to be providers. All modern reversals and adjustments are abnormal. Women are just struggling to be what they are not. The way a man is not wired to be anything but the head is the same way a woman is not wired to be passionate in bed with a man she feeds. What about sugar mummies and their toy boys? Well, toy boys are toys, lollipop, a glass of fine wine; she bought it to enjoy it.

http://sunnewsonline.com/new/?p=116432

cc:lalasticlala ishilove

Owk..Men hope una don hear

Hmmmm

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