Westendel:
Why all this? why derail this thread. I only seek for your advice not you people attacking one another with your unnecessary argument.
To everyone here,post your comments and stop imposing your opinions on others.
stop this e-war. no matter how anyone proposes his or her advices to me,it is what is on mind that I will do.so stop killing or giving yourselves headaches.
I might decided to forgive and continue with him or divorce him kia kia. what ever rocks my boat.
well, well,the purpose of this thread has been achieved, time to deactivate and continue with my original moniker.
Thank you all,family nairalanders. creating this thread was therauptic ,it helped eased the pains and hurt .Can't thank you guys enough .
off to TTC health section, with my original moniker. the beauty of nairaland!
once again thank you all ,am most grateful
@phema,thanks for that wonderful prayer.it came at the right time.thanks

OmoAlata1:


Forgive but divorce her?

mrsmith11:


Please read the story properly before you advice

The sister is not 14 years ....she was 14 when she firt lived with the Op. She sent her back to the mum in the village when she couldn't keep legs close where all the boys in the street were having free fun and was even caught by there landlady
The Op got married 5yrs ago and the sister happen to get admission I think abt the same time which she is now 19yrs and moved into the Op matrimonial home

From my observation I think this sleeping with husband just started and so there are still room for forgiveness if the Op can sit the husband and talk to him

You people just like divorce

My advice to the Op before you do anything talk with your husband and sister then your family before take your final decision and please let divorce be the last option

Note I know you are very emotional but do not allow your emotion cloud your reasoning

To err is human and to forgive is divine

My 10 cent

veraponpo:


Thank you for the words of wisdom, as much as babyosis (don't know if I am correct) has wealth of wisdom, she is usually to fast to bring divorce to the fore. I have seen men who really goofed in their homes but with the wisdom of the wives, they salvaged their homes. You don't throw divorce up when a matter just occurred. She did not even mentioned separation pending when the case will be settled, she just said take a walk.

Our women need to think twice and seek for godly advice not from one lady on Nairaland who will lead them astray.

veraponpo:


Thank you for the words of wisdom, as much as babyosis (don't know if I am correct) has wealth of wisdom, she is usually to fast to bring divorce to the fore. I have seen men who really goofed in their homes but with the wisdom of the wives, they salvaged their homes. You don't throw divorce up when a matter just occurred. She did not even mentioned separation pending when the case will be settled, she just said take a walk.

Our women need to think twice and seek for godly advice not from one lady on Nairaland who will lead them astray.

deadie:


Every little or difficult situation they jump ship? Are you serious? I do not understand your mentality.

If your partner can go as low as sleeping with your own sister, how can you rewire your brain to still love and share the same bed with that person? Well as I earlier wrote, what do I know. If people marry for the sake of money, convenience and material things, then this situation probably falls under your category of "little or difficult situation" that doesn't warrant "jumping ship". But if the foundation of your marriage is love and trust, then this act is a tsunami which has completely washed away that very foundation of marriage.

Beetle:
@ op, this is coming from one TTC to another.

Infertility is difficult to deal with and to add infidelity to it, it makes it a compounded problem.

Some questions to consider:

Have you found out the reason for your infertility?
Why is your husband bent on having a child outside regardless of the mum?
Is this to test his fertility?
On your infertility journey, who's putting more effort to it?
Have you seen a doctor who diagnosed your problem?


I see your husband as very selfish and someone who's not aware you two have a problem if he's willing to go all the way with an outsider. And even more disrespectful to want to do the act with your sister. Hes belittling you. Pls don't brush this under the carpet cos you mentioned you're going back to TTC thread? What do you want to achieve by going back to that thread. Pity party and pretend nothing happened and carry on TTC with yourself cos this man ain't on the same page with you, I'm sorry. You're on your own. My sister its high time you sat down and think of the next steps. I'm not going to say divorce him cos at the end of the day you will be the one carrying your cross and besides that you're 32 yrs old. Old enough to make life decisions by yourself.

And to the family members who referred to the biblical story, will they say the same thing if it was their daughter.

Don't hide behind infertility and think it's alright for your man to do as he pleases. Regardless of what your infertility problem is, it's the both of you who are battling not for someone to go behind you and start trying to solve his own problem, so if he solves his own problem, where does that leave you?

deadie:


Every little or difficult situation they jump ship? Are you serious? I do not understand your mentality.

If your partner can go as low as sleeping with your own sister, how can you rewire your brain to still love and share the same bed with that person? Well as I earlier wrote, what do I know. If people marry for the sake of money, convenience and material things, then this situation probably falls under your category of "little or difficult situation" that doesn't warrant "jumping ship". But if the foundation of your marriage is love and trust, then this act is a tsunami which has completely washed away that very foundation of marriage.

kaboninc:


Lol.
My dear, most divorced women or widows choose to remain single not because of any sillyy drama but conflict of interest.

Let me even ask you, what's the primary purpose for a man to marry sef?

veraponpo:


Thank you for the words of wisdom, as much as babyosis (don't know if I am correct) has wealth of wisdom, she is usually to fast to bring divorce to the fore. I have seen men who really goofed in their homes but with the wisdom of the wives, they salvaged their homes. You don't throw divorce up when a matter just occurred. She did not even mentioned separation pending when the case will be settled, she just said take a walk.

Our women need to think twice and seek for godly advice not from one lady on Nairaland who will lead them astray.

deadie:


Every little or difficult situation they jump ship? Are you serious? I do not understand your mentality.

If your partner can go as low as sleeping with your own sister, how can you rewire your brain to still love and share the same bed with that person? Well as I earlier wrote, what do I know. If people marry for the sake of money, convenience and material things, then this situation probably falls under your category of "little or difficult situation" that doesn't warrant "jumping ship". But if the foundation of your marriage is love and trust, then this act is a tsunami which has completely washed away that very foundation of marriage.

fem29:



Omg omg, ok pls talk true, are you a Nigerian man?. You rock

deadie:


Every little or difficult situation they jump ship? Are you serious? I do not understand your mentality.

If your partner can go as low as sleeping with your own sister, how can you rewire your brain to still love and share the same bed with that person? Well as I earlier wrote, what do I know. If people marry for the sake of money, convenience and material things, then this situation probably falls under your category of "little or difficult situation" that doesn't warrant "jumping ship". But if the foundation of your marriage is love and trust, then this act is a tsunami which has completely washed away that very foundation of marriage.

deadie:


Lol. Yes. Born and bred. But I am taken...by a beautiful blonde .

cococandy:
You can't even answer a simple question.


Yes he's the head of the family. Just as OP's husband is the head of their family. Is there a reason why that is under discussion in this scenario?
Head-of-family's responsibility is not to chook his dyck into any available hole.
So why should that come up in a case like this?

Now back to the question. If you will answer. What does 'it's a man's world' mean in this context where the man is sleeping with another woman, worse, his sister-in-law.
Someone is sleeping with his wife's younger sis and all you can say is that It's a man's world And God cursed women to be under men.

Is that what being a leader means to you?
Is it not even worse that the leader who should be leading by example is the one setting bad example for the wife to follow?
Leadership is not a license to behave badly. It is a responsibility to set good examples.

Anyway what has it being a man's world got to do with op's case? Does that make it ok? Yes or no? Simple answer. Not all this insincere beating about the bush.

Answer the damn question and stop dragging my husband into matters that don't concern him.

mrsmith11:



If he is sorry and truly remorseful then you just have to speak to your mind,think of the bright side of him often and I believe with time you will be heal of the wound

He fell in his moment of weakness so just believe God use you to bring him back .

Remember he brought you to christ so you too can also bring him back from backsliding

I wish you the best and I hope your husband will be truly sorry for the mess

fem29:


It is true, pls don't marry. A man of your sensibilities and mindset should not marry

babyosisi:


I do know without a doubt that if I had been born during that okonkwo things fall apart era,I probably wouldn't be married
The typical nigerian idea of what a woman ought to be and do and tolerate and manage in the name of marriage is no where in my DNA
I am not an incomplete person looking for a man to complete me,I am a full and complete individual with a complete thinking faculty with or without a man.
That's how I see myself and how I have always seen myself.

chibic:
truth is bitter. Men marry becuase they want to have kids. Not because they need a companion.

fem29:


Chaiii deadie, diaris God ooooo. Why forsake our naija sister's , you could have gone some way to make up for all the neanderthal nigerian men, issorait

honeychild:


I think a lot of people are misunderstanding kaboninc. The simple truth is that in today's world, men get away with a lot of things that women would not dare simply because it is a man's world. This doesn't mean it is right, it simply means that they can get away with fewer sanctions than women do. It hurts, but that's just the truth.

veraponpo:


Hmm. Good advice but not sufficient. Any time I hear or read women supporting divorce, I am always afraid.

veraponpo:


Hmm. Good advice but not sufficient. Any time I hear or read women supporting divorce, I am always afraid.

You are correct at the surface but don't you see it from another angle that divorce might be the target of their enemy? With this advice, you have nailed the coffin.
Pls OP, Forgive him and move on, if u leave him, do you know how bad the next man will be? Work on your home.

raumdeuter:
My own advice is very short

When people say in all things give thanks to God. When God denied you a child for this guy now you would think he was a wicked God.

Imagine you having a child for him

My own, this marriage is over. Good thing you dont even have anything tying you together. You dont even need more evidence than this especially with your own SISTER? Maybe in 20yrs time it would be with your daughter. Of 100m women in Nigeria na your sister he see

If he likes let him marry your sister

Abeg move away from that area and vicinity start a new life. You were never married.

God thing you have a job too. If you continue one day you eye would see real evil

babyosisi:


Chi chi, let me try
This one is tough but I will try

First of all get yourself together,I am saying this knowing how hard this must be
I have a younger sister 14 years my junior and as I was reading this I was imagining you being me and wondering what would be my reaction if my own sister slept with my husband under my own roof.


[size=18pt]Do not confront your husband yet So don't speak to them together please [/size]


1.) Take screen shots of that evidence because they will deny this and wipe off the chats and it becomes their words against yours so you need solid evidence.

2.) Be prepared that even with that evidence,most of what they will confess to will be a lie if you question them together so don't!. They will most likely say it happened only once, most likely it's been happening a long time,more likely than not,since she was 14, he may even be the one that deflowered her and that makes him a rapist.14 year olds are minors and cannot give consent.if he didn't force or coerce her it is statutory rape by virtue of her age,
His action could have been what led your sister on a promiscuous path and that is another story altogether.
If this has gone on since she was 14 ( which is my suspicion ) your husband is also a pedophile and all other neighborhood kids are at risk.
This has gone beyond your husband slept with your sister,there could be a wider circle of victims here.I am scared of what might be uncovered in a good investigation where other kids are questioned properly.you could have been sleeping with a monster.


3 ) speak to your sister before speaking to your husband to confirm no 2 above.this is tough but approach this very calmly and in a non confrontational way.you want to ascertain that he did mol.est her as a 14 year old and the circumstances, let her give you details ,then ask her if she knew of other little girls. The results here will depend on your manner of approach.you have to pretend to be on her side totally,as a caring older sister who is like a mother figure looking out for her best interests ,she will surely open up and spill everything. That's what you need.

4.) Call your mother and bring her over also call a family member of his over to where you live and with the 5 of you sitting together ,ask your sister to repeat what she had told you.

Then leave your husband to make a response


If indeed he slept with a 14 year old,you should have nothing to do with Him after this,the man belongs in prison
I would actually get the police involved
Either way this marriage is over
As hard as this sounds,this marriage is worthless
The marriage is irreversible at this point and you are free to remarry, Biblically speaking,don't try to salvage anything there is nothing here to salvage.

Wedon:


Careful ooh, they will soon start calling you a FEMINIST!

Meanwhile how are you holding up? How are the kids she left behind? May God be with you at this trying time. *hugs*

babyosisi:


Like I care much what the labels are from nonentities that disappear once I log off?
Na them get the assignment


Nne eh,Obi agbawala m na dat issue o
I called the hubby and his words were
Nne,enyi gi nwanyi aha pula Anyi o
Tears filled my eyes and I tried not to break down as he spoke so lovingly of her and how she suffered in the last days and how much he cried seeing her suffer.
As soon we dropped I broke down weeping hysterically
Nne Ihe mere dia o
Uwa di egwu my sister