Vivly:

Lol. Even If she wants the movie adaptation of Americanah, she'd seriously think.

Csami:

It's so awesome!
Severee, if the same guy try do the movie adaptation of Americanah, na to send sango after am.

Someone told me that brad pitt and lupita nyongo are looking towards making a movie version of americanah
Na true?

severee:


lol guy make kunle catch u say u talk say e sweat and blood na horse sh*t i hear say the guy dey para gan!
Anyway the small oct 1 wey i watch was kk it was just too predictable and the actors speaking english made it look like a stage drama just my opinion though

exactly! Stage drama. Dats d term i was looking for. I still think the film is mulesh*t. And make kunle 4get! My bros for alaba don run am street. Dem don pirate d movie finish. If im like make im vex 4rm now till 2moro, nothing 4 am.

How about 30 days to atlanta? I swear, tell me say u like dat dogsh*t movie, and i go shoot u

shockwave91:


exactly! Stage drama. Dats d term i was looking for. I still think the film is mulesh*t. And make kunle 4get! My bros for alaba don run am street. Dem don pirate d movie finish. If im like make im vex 4rm now till 2moro, nothing 4 am.

How about 30 days to atlanta? I swear, tell me say u like dat dogsh*t movie, and i go shoot u

Don't plan on seeing that one
From the trailer it looks like one of them osofia in london kind of movie


na wa o see as we don finish all Nollywood blockbusters, at least i appreciate the fact that some of them are starting to take their jobs seriously

Narrator
Next
Chiwetel and genevieve are having a baseless argument
genevieve nnaji
i'm sick of you sounding like you are gaggling water all in the name of mimmicking an igbo accent
chiwetel ejiofor
and i'm sick of you making no effort to sound Yoruba
genevieve nnaji
Well excuuuuuuuse me when i slept with the director he promised me lead role not this irrelevant na by force? cameo appearance how could he do me like that? How could he betray me for an anorexic Brit?

chiwetel ejiofor
Well i have a theory
genevieve nnaji
What do you mean?
chiwetel ejiofor
I mean you were given this irrelevant role because your beauty is overrated, your talent is generic and your hair style makes you look like a match stick
genevieve nnaji
chiwetel you insult me?
chiwetel ejiofor
Then the truth is now an insult
thandie newton
Hey chiwetel you owe her an apology
chiwetel ejiofor
I owe her............ ew! Gross what happened to you? But Biyi said you just recovered from malaria and you were ready to shoot one today
thandie newton
I'm fine i'm just in mourning because my aunty died
chiwetel ejiofor
O_o so the image of Nollywood mourning scenes is no longer a woman in black clothes with messed up hair sitting on a stool with a ton of extras/sympathizers surrounding her and going God giveth and God taketh? nice one Nollywood
narrator
ojukwu odumegwu meets with yakubu gowon
yakubu gowon
Hello there
odumegwu ojukwu
see this one who be your mate? come one prostrate and call me uncle you this small boy
yakubu gowon
Hey i'm not a kid i was made president for my wisdom and maturity check this out, in order to resolve the ongoing conflict in the country i have decided to DO THE EXACT SAME THING IRONSI DID BUT IN REVERSE to hurt your people
ojukwu odumegwu
Eh?
yakubu gowon
And i shall dissolve your power by complicating our nations geo-political zones yea i'm feeling myself
ojukwu odumegwu
mature! Well i have a better plan
yakubu gowon
Lemme guess you wanna seek justice for your slain brothers and sisters?
ojukwu odumegwu
Nope!
yakubu gowon
You wanna coup my a*ss out of office so you can prosecute me for my negligence in the crisis
ojukwu odumegwu
Nope
yakubu gowon
You wanna pump wads of cash into your region to boost the economy and ween yourselves off Nigeria's crude oil?
ojukwu odumegwu
hell no! I propose we play counter ball with the Nigerian lives we both swore to protect, see what i did there i said counter ball cause you're super young
yakubu gowon
hmmmn counter ball i like it count me in
narrator
anika calls joseph in fake london
anika noni rose
Hey joseph!
joseph mawle
Hey baby
anika noni rose
You know i can't stay mad at you even though you f*cking slept with my sister , anyway i miss you could you pop into Nigeria real quick?
joseph mawle
[s]f*ck no! After what hakeem kae kaseem did at the airport? i think i'll pass no a*ss is worth my life and peace of mind[/s]
*flips through script* what are the odds? The implausible plot says i'm to be in Nigeria cool i'm on my way baby
narrator
both heads of states address the nation
ojukwu odumegwu
Hey everyone i've seen all your suffering and my heart bleeds that's why i shall subject you people to even more deaths and displacements and general suffering aka secession
yakubu gowon
And i shall counter this secession in order to defend our nations pride and unity .Many of you will needlessly die but it's a sacrifice i'm willing to leave with see what i did there uncle ojukwu?
ojukwu odumegwu
Nice!
Nigerians
Are you sure this isn't about oil?
ojukwu odumegwu/yakubu gowon
of course not(noses sprout like pinnochio)
Britain
We are joining the war so People will shift the blame for the war from us
France
And we are joining the war because we hate Britain
Israel
And we are joining the war so we can test our weapons
South Africa
And we are joining the war because f*ck Nigeria
America
Yee haw! It Aint no civil war without an american interference
Russia
Dang it we hate america so we are in too
journalist
Ojukwu how prepared are you and your soldiers for the impending civil war your actions may cause?
odumegwu ojukwu
Ah yes my soldiers are well trained and prepared my army sh*ts on Yakubus Army(who trained most them) infact Yakubus army are going to be surprised at what they are gonna get
narrator
BOOM!!!! Thandie,her pot of soup, john,chiwetel and everyone goes on a mass exodus
odumegwu ojukwu
hey not fair i just gave a kick-a*ss speech couldn't y'all follow it with footage of battles we actually won?
biyi bandele
you mad at me wait till you read the novel this is based on i bet you'll wipe your a*ss with it
narrator
thandie's mom tina mba pays her a visit
tina mba
Hi thandie, i want to protect my diamond jewelry that's why i carry it everywhere with me Seriously? Why don't you hang a sign on me that says Mug me
thandie newton
What do you want?
tina mba
I have here four tickets to smuggle us to England you interested? Anika isn't coming i wonder why it's not like her husband isn't an english citizen and all plus she was really scared before war broke out, anyway i obviously made no effort to convince her to come along with us just like i'm gonna do with you cause that's what a real mother would do you know?
thandie newton
I'm sorry i won't be coming either i'm getting married
........... Hmmmm wouldn't chiwetel's kid need my slot since she's a kid and all?.......... nah! She'll be fine poverty and death would be good for her up bringing
tina mba
Ok(walks away)
say hello to the mother of the year
thandie newton
yea a Nigerian woman will hear news of her daughters wedding and won't freak out.
Narrator
next we meet the other nominee for mother of the year Onyeka Onwenu talking to thandie newton
Onyeka Onwenu
hey thandie you barren c*nt
biyi bandele
Oh yea we kind of lost that plot detail of thandie punching her tummy so should we make her barren or not? *thinking* yea let's just abandon that and keep the audience in continous mystery
thandie newton
hey i thought you were cool with me after your son knocked up susan?
Onyeka Onwenu
I care about my son so much so i have a suggestion of what he should do at this time of war
thandie newton
You want him to build a bomb shelter for protection?
onyeka onwenu
Nope
thandie newton
You want us to salvage and replant food crops destroyed during the war
onyeka onwenu
What? No!
thandie newton
You want him to sneak us into cameroon like bruce willis did in tears from the sun i mean that should increase the thrill in the plot right?
onyeka onwenu
Good God no i want you people to get hitched during a violent civil war
thandie newton
I don't think marriage should be our priority right now but hey i'm Nigerian today misplaced priority is our culture. o how romantic will you be there?
onyeka onwenu
F*ck no i love my house more than my son
thandie newton
I don't know where to get a dress
onyeka onwenu
don't worry i bet you'll find another misplaced priorityer who stores wedding dresses but not food and water, the cake would be a f*cking red sand single layer cake made by none other than master chef JOHN BOYEGA
Have fun
thandie newton
Hmmm so lemme review my options here i'm not married to chiwetel yet, chiwetel is absolutely obnoxious and we are in the middle of a civil war so what option do i take (a) Marry chiwetel and live a life of poverty and deprivation or (b) Return to a life of luxury in England?
Hmmmn i will pick chiwetel because my head is full of saw dust you see?
chiwetel ejiofor
ok now this is getting annoying mom come on the city has been invaded either ways you can't keep your house lets run to somewhere safe
onyeka onwenu
Ok fine its not about the house, i wanna get killed off so i can attend a PDP rally later this week they pay more than you guys you know
chiwetel ejiofor
o that makes sense have fun mom(drives off)

o.c ukeje
*singing* i was hereeeeeeeeeee!
narrator
onyeka onwenu dies anticlimatically off screen surprise surprise
chiwetel ejiofor
Wow i care about my mom? Why didn't i drag her with us when i knew what would happen to her, well
boo hoo? I guess
thandie newton
Oh i loved her so much she was so nice(nose sprouts like pinnochio)
narrator
thandie and chiwetel get married and it's the talk of the town
babou ceesay
Hi thandie i saw this dead flowers and i thought instead of catching the bouquet to get married next why don't we throw a bouquet of dead flowers to see who dies next
thandie newton
Are you foreshadowing your impending demise? isn't that for interesting characters people would actually miss?
babou ceesay
meanie all you had to say was you don't like the flowers (walks away)
Narrator
they are about to cut their wedding cake when Yakubus Airforce drop in literary
Airforce pilots
oops my hand slipped
john boyega
*in ty burrell voice* I've got thandie i've got thandie
chiwetel ejiofor
Hands off my newly wedded wife you perv
narrator
Nigerians display their street smarts by running in the same direction as the aerial bombs
chiwetel ejiofor
Wait a minute have you noticed the bombings are going only in one direction?
babou ceesay
(Running past chiwetel and thandie) last man is a fool
(Gets fragged)
ha! Sad death scene i bet there isn't a dry eye in the theatre
thandie newton
Came into the movie like a jerk and died like a p*ssy i think we will be fine
babou ceesay
(Muttering) f*cking Brit(walks off set)

To be continued.....

severee:


Someone told me that brad pitt and lupita nyongo are looking to make a movie version of americanah
Na true?

So I heard

severee:


Don't plan on seeing that one
From the trailer it looks like one of them osofia in london kind of movie


na wa o see as we don finish all Nollywood blockbusters, at least i appreciate the fact that some of them are starting to take their jobs seriously

lol. But just a handfull of them tho. D rest are still chickensh*t. Wat of dat ije director? What has he done since? I really liked that movie

Severee, I think they dropped those bombs just to kill okeoma or whatever his name was. So fvcking annoying!

Csami:
Severee, I think they dropped those bombs just to kill okeoma or whatever his name was. So fvcking annoying!

Mtchew f*cking predictable death come on they could do better why didn't they kill chiwetel instead? Bone say na actor shock value is the best way to sell me a movie just check out;
-The departed
-Scarface
-oldboy

severee:

Mtchew f*cking predictable death come on they could do better why didn't they kill chiwetel instead? Bone say na actor shock value is the best way to sell me a movie just check out;
-The departed
-Scarface
-oldboy

The departed was something else. The director for just kill all the characters make we know say nothing remain.

Csami:


The departed was something else. The director for just kill all the characters make we know say nothing remain.

as in when all of them dey die e be like dream

Sleekyshuga:

I got the Americanah novel 3 weeks ago but I haven't read it yet due to school.. Maybe, during the hols..

Read it? What's it like?

It's very good. One time,towards the end of the book, I thought I was reading her life story. But sha, since she didn't snatch someone's husband, it's just a fictional story.

Vivly:

It's very good. One time,towards the end of the book, I thought I was reading her life story. But sha, since she didn't snatch someone's husband, it's just a fictional story.

Already sounding interesting. I'll read it up immediately after exams..

Sup with your diary? Why the pause ?

Sleekyshuga:

Already sounding interesting. I'll read it up immediately after exams..

Sup with your diary? Why the pause ?

All the best in your exams.
About that, I got bored. Maybe when something huge happens, I'll write.

shockwave91:


exactly! Stage drama. Dats d term i was looking for. I still think the film is mulesh*t. And make kunle 4get! My bros for alaba don run am street. Dem don pirate d movie finish. If im like make im vex 4rm now till 2moro, nothing 4 am.

How about 30 days to atlanta? I swear, tell me say u like dat dogsh*t movie, and i go shoot u

true o. Almost everyone I know yaps on and on about 30 days. It's just a normal Nollywood movie where Nigerians go abroad and start acting like its another planet. Well apart from the 'your real dad part'. I still use that phrase.

Vivly:

true o. Almost everyone I know yaps on and on about 30 days. It's just a normal Nollywood movie where Nigerians go abroad and start acting like its another planet. Well apart from the 'your real dad part'. I still use that phrase.

lol. "ur real dad" indeed. Even dat taxi driver dat obtained them was quite funny. But yeah dat movie is just utter trash. I couldn't blive my eyes. As u, every1 was just yapping about the dogsh*t movie & i broke d cd after watching it. Thin plot, sh*tty screenplay, horrible acting, poor production values, it looked like a poorly made episode of super story, & was miserable @ trying to get u to laff. It was really dogsh*t.

narrator
thandie and chiwetel exodus their a*sses to a refugee camp to teach and help out
thandie newton[\b]
Oh no we are suffering the set backs of war we are so poor we can't even afford kerosine........ even though we all look well fed,we can afford new clothes,john can afford to get an optic prescription , i can afford new hair dressings, chiwetel can afford his expensive bottle of scotch and petrol for our Exodus mobile ........ but we are suffering anyway
[b]narrator
john takes a leisure stroll around a military occupied territory
soldiers
hello there young man of sound health and fighting age, we would like to welcome you into the ojukwu army with a terrifying gun shot to the air and a kick in the a*ss
(Toss john into a truck)
john boyega
Wow perhaps this is an opportunity for the story of the civil war to be told from the eyes of a soldier on the field perhaps we can even show some kick-a*ss scenes
biyi bandele
ha! Very funny(kills john off screen)
narrator
thandie's C U N Tijuana sister shows up to the slum where thandie lives
anika noni rose
Hello sis i'm making money from the war
thandie newton
How? are you selling government secrets?
anika noni rose
Nope
thandie newton
Are you selling arms and ammunition?
anika noni rose
Nope
thandie newton
Then how are you making money? Did you place a bet on William hill or something?
anika noni rose
look i'm making money from the war. And that's that okay? Anyway with all of my affluence i've decided to bonk with you in your ghetto pad just don't get carried away and f*ck joseph again
thandie newton
My p*ssy lips are sealed perhaps we should end the movie here and post some commentaries after?
biyi bandele
Nope
thandie newton
But what else is left? I've patched things up with my sister,she's patched things up with her husband, i've married chiwetel shouldn't it end there? i mean we all know how the civil war ended
biyi bandele
Whose the director here you or me?
Trust me i have a kicka*ss ending in store for this movie just watch
narrator
next biyi bandele starts stringing set pieces together cause yes he doesn't know how to end the movie SET 1 anika finds some villagers trying to Aluulize a soldier
anika noni rose
O_o you do realize this is one of the soldiers fighting for your independence? If you can do this to him i hate to see what you'll do when you capture an enemy soldier(takes the soldier into her house)
narrator
SET 2 ojukwu is on the silver screen again
odumegwu ojukwu
Look i know we are losing territories and we've killed like a bizillion Nigerians displaced another kajillion and are currently starving a brazillion of them but i promise you we shall come out victorious in the end i shall fight till the last drop of my blood(nose sprouts like pinnochio)
yakubu gowon
And i shall do everything possible to secure the lives and property of every Nigerian
(Nose sprouts like pinnochio)
narrator
SET 3 anika,joseph,thandie and chiwetel have dinner while anika acts like a real b*tch to chiwetel
chiwetel ejiofor
hi anika we finally meet
anika noni rose
Hello grissly
chiwetel ejiofor
haha hairy joke i get it
anika noni rose
Hey thandie you get carpet burns during sex
chiwetel ejiofor
*rolls eyes*
anika noni rose
Chiwetel knock knock?
chiwetel ejiofor
whose there?
anika noni rose
Chew
chiwetel ejiofor
Chew Who?
anika noni rose
Chewbecca
chiwetel ejiofor
Ugh!
joseph mawle
i gat one how bout we open a bottle of vino and...........
chiwetel ejiofor
nice try twin f*cker
Narrator
SET 4 chiwetel and thandie are snoozing when Yakubus Airforce give them a wake up call
chiwetel ejiofor
holy sh*t everyone to the Exodus mobile time for some stunt driving guys
biyi bandele
Haha you just never learn i'm here to kill every scene that looks like it has a bit of excitement in it(cuts the scene)
chiwetel ejiofor
Ever noticed in the air raid scenes we never hear the sound of the planes? and they keep targeting sand and grass *shrugs*
biyi bandele
They are called stealth assault angels that's why they magically tip toe all over the scenery
Narrator
anika, thandie, joseph and chiwetel have dinner again
anika noni rose
Ok we are out of food so i'm going to the dangerous parts of town to buy food
chiwetel ejiofor
I don't think that's a good idea but since you've been acting like a b*tch all i have to say is go for it
narrator
anika and her sweet a*ss is never seen again, we take a peek at the soldiers
odumegwu ojukwu
Hey Phillip i've got good news and i've got bad news
Phillip effiong
Oooooh lay it on me
odumegwu ojukwu
Bad news is..............i'm running off to ivory coast and i'm taking my mercedes benz with me for swag purposes
Phillip effiong
say what?!
odumegwu ojukwu
Chill you haven't even heard the good news yet, now you'll get to be president for the next few weeks make those weeks count
Phillip effiong
What about all our fallen soldiers who believed in this cause?
odumegwu ojukwu
Don't worry my friend *singing* the sun will come out tomorrow it's the way i hang on till tomorrow tomorrow tomorrow i love ya tomorrow is only a day away
Phillip effiong
F*ck you disco santa claus(walks away)
Narrator
SET 5 Phillip effiong addresses the nation
chris effiong
Hey guys remember how we actually thought we could win a war against a sovereign nation headed by a Military regime that doesn't give a sh*t about human rights?
We just found out we can't, so yea civil war is over go home let's hope Yakubus army doesn't go all post pearl harbour and concerntration/POW camp our a*sses
yakubu gowon
Concerntration camp? That's a good ide.......... Oh wait a second you want me to run one so they charge me with war crimes i ain't falling for that
Come to think of it i was kind of a d*ck in this war why am i not going down for gross human rights violation?
isreal
(F*cking up palestinians) human rights? What's human rights?
America
(Violating rights to privacy) human rights? Does Gowon have Nuclear warheads? no? Sorry don't really give a sh*t then......
but call us when gay rights are violated we take that sh*t seriously
south-africa
(Enjoying appatheid) human rights of black beingpeople violated? sounds like christmas hey gowon call us when you need a hand
russia
don't you even think of looking back here
yakubu gowon
The darkest days in Nigeria is over now we shall build a new Nigeria based on prosperity, unity and peace(Nose sprouts like pinnochio)

chiwetel ejiofor
Mtchew! And i was having fun with the Airforce and displacement this sucks where are you two going? O_o
thandie newton
Joseph and i are going in search of anika you know since the war is over and all
chiwetel ejiofor
Ok just don't f*ck each other on the way
thandie newton
It happened just one time i don't f*ck everyman i see it's really un becoming ugh!
narrator
SET 6 they search,then they search , then they search some more, then they wonder why chiwetel isn't among the search party since he seems to be more familiar with the routes, then joseph starts crying like a b*tch then thandie grabs the wheel off him then they finally give up and go home
john boyega
hi guys i'm not actually dead! They thought i was dead but i'm not
because seriously that sh*t never gets old with Nollywood flicks
joseph bawle
So thanks for your hospitality i shall bid farewell and keep searching for anika
chiwetel ejiofor
Sure and we shall return to our home and hope it hasn't being bombed or possessed by someone else i mean it's not like that sh*t didn't happen after the real civil war
baby
Will aunt kainene be joining us?
thandie newton
Aunt who now?
baby
Your sister
thandie newton
Oh that's her character name? Ok i almost forgot since there are so many characters that it's a chore just to keep up wait a minute are you spiting me with her disappearance?how can you be so mean? you know she's missing and you are making jest of us well guess what? I ain't your real mom and your real mom is probably dead just like anika now how is that for a comeback smart a*ss?
biyi bandele
Haha see that? I ended the movie with a good old fashioned "cliffhanger" that's how you end a movie
Audience
Yea every character in the movie ends up successful and the most unlikeable characters were either killed or displaced, no cliffhanging there , by the way what is the lesson of this 1hour 55 f*cking minute story?
BFI
Oh come on haven't you gotten a hint? The lesson is that black people are selfish, ignorant,jealous and lazy people who aren't ready to rule themselves now give your country back to the queen
Audience
never
BFI
neo colonialism rain check?
Audience
you got yourself a deal!
End

I like the way u murdered the movie. Nice! Who's next?

Csami:
I like the way u murdered the movie. Nice! Who's next?

My pleasure

Hollywood summer blockbusters
Loading....10%.....

Now this is the version I would happily pay to see. Would be funny as hell to watch piss-take movies

VillageBoi:
Now this is the version I would happily pay to see. Would be funny as hell to watch piss-take movies

Lol thanks

Na wa o una really hate the film gan

severee:


Lol thanks

Na wa o una really hate the film gan

You're welcome.

Was it a poor film? YES. Would I say 'hate'? NO.
They messed up; not the first film to do that... more sad for them because it had a lot of promise (especially for Nigeria & Nigerian filmaking)... but hey; it's what you get when you pair a greenhorn director with a book that's way too big for him to decipher.

Now the 'comedy' version... I can't stop chuckling.

see finishing! biyi bandele must have offended u before hmm? very hilarious! ...I am enjoying it.

richardoz:
see finishing! biyi bandele must have offended u before hmm? very hilarious! ...I am enjoying it.

mtchew! I even dey give am free publicity after the dry film wey e do

Wasted mb

If not for the graphics and sound, i for don swear for the guy

severee:

mtchew! I even dey give am free publicity after the dry film wey e do
Wasted mb
If not for the graphics and sound, i for don swear for the guy

You gave me a wrong email!

chiwetel ejiofor
Ever noticed in the air raid scenes we never hear the sound of the planes?

So true Didn't notice while watching it!

severee:


mtchew! I even dey give am free publicity after the dry film wey e do

Wasted mb

If not for the graphics and sound, i for don swear for the guy

haaaa! don't do that o!

richardoz:
see finishing! biyi bandele must have offended u before hmm? very hilarious! ...I am enjoying it.

As in this guy siddon take e time write this thing
true true the bandele don do the op strong thing before