just like a book, a marriage is full of words. What words
are included will determine if it is a book of love.
It’s not only the words the couple uses that make a
difference, friends, family and a good few others will
throw theirs into the ring, as well.

When I entered marriage I had what amounted to a well
thumbed ‘complaint thesaurus’ tucked firmly under my
arm.
I also brought along: teenage hormones, self-obsession,
insecurity, impatience, a good helping of rage, some
very broken dreams and a baby in my tummy. (Not to
mention parents -mine, as well as his- who clearly didn’t
think I was good enough for him and let me know as
often as their heart saw fit).
My husband provided quite a few words of his own:
‘beautiful’, ‘clever’, ‘funny’, ‘amazing’, ‘caring’, ‘honest’
and so many more.
It was his words that gave me back my self-respect,
belief in myself, the support I needed to make crazy
leaps of faith, and it was his words that provided the
calming balm that restored me when I landed on the
ground – which I still do with startling regularity.
With his words he built a true home, a safe place that
has grown into a marriage so happy that 35 years later
we can still hardly bear to be apart. Through the years
he certainly has been writing a book of love. You can
hear a TEDx talk I gave about the power of words in our
marriage here – be warned there is some colorful
language – I am probably never going to be a ‘good
girl’!

Here are 10 things I’ve learned about the power of
words:

1. Life and death are in the power of words. I can
help bring out the best in people or I can help to
destroy them, just with my words. A power I don’t want
to misuse, though sometimes do.

2. Words change our behavior. In the UK
documentary series ‘The Young Ones’ researchers
exposed one group of university students to words
about aging (i.e., old, infirm, hobble, wizened,
geriatric), and another group to words around youth
(i.e., skip, joy, jump, fun, young, energy) for just 10
minutes. Those exposed to the aged related words
ambled from the room more slowly than when they had
arrived, some were stooped and sad. Meanwhile those
exposed to the youth related words walked faster or ran
from the room, one even skipped and most were
smiling.

3. Words affect our intelligence. Science is
uncovering some very interesting understandings about
words, for instance: exposure to a word can affect our
actions, our feelings, our thinking and even our
intelligence! Research has shown that concentrating on
the word ‘professor’ will make you smarter, while
mulling over the words ‘soccer hooligan’ will decrease
your intelligence.

4. The words I say to my husband will influence
who he becomes. If exposure to one little word
influences people then I have to keep in mind
constantly just what influence my words have on who
my husband becomes. Some days I have to choose my
words carefully!

5. The words I say to others about my husband will
influence who he becomes – especially if I say
those words in front of him. What he hears me say
about him builds his picture of himself. I was fortunate
enough to learn this little gem very early in my marriage
and I believe it stopped me from destroying a lovely,
lovely man.

6. Complaint mushes your brain. According to
Trevor Blake, author of 3 Simple Steps - even listening to
words of complaint for as little as 30 minutes strips
away neurons in the hippocampus area of our brains
and turns your brain to ‘mush’. Complaint is a fall back
position for me and one I best avoid if I want my
husband and friends to have any brain cells left – the
fact I have a few remaining ones is nothing short of a
miracle.

7. Every single day I am influencing myself with
the words I tell myself about myself. All those nasty
little things I say to myself gain a foothold and bear sour
fruit. Learning to speak nicely to myself grows much
tastier fruit and everyone benefits.

8. Every single day I influence others with my
words. This is often hard for me to remember. I am
quick to point out faults and much slower to find the
good in others. I send myself daily reminders to speak
kindly!

9. Words come with emotions attached. I, like
anyone else, have a stack of oft used words that
regularly appear in my speech and reveal my issues. I
have struggled with fear and anxiety so my speech
tends to be littered with words like “afraid”, “fear”, “Oh
no!”, “Oh dear!”, and “That’s terrible”. Most situations
don’t call for such emotionally laden words.

10. I can see a situation very differently just by
changing the words I use. It isn’t what happens to us
that matters, it is how we think and speak about what
happens that gives it power over us or us over it.
Words are powerful little things, aren’t they? Our
thoughts, actions, emotions, and even our brains can be
affected by them. In marriage it is important that we
remember the ‘power’ of words, and chose them wisely.
We want to write a book of love, remember?

Worth the read not just for marriage.

How Nigerians self-diagnose and denigrate themselves with mental sickness bemuses me really. You'll hear things like, "No try me, I no well oo!" "I dey mental... I dey mad o"

What's tha business?