How To Divulge Your Weaknesses Or Dark Side/Past To Your Partner. - Family - Nairaland
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| How To Divulge Your Weaknesses Or Dark Side/Past To Your Partner. by MizMyColi(f): 5:12pm On Jul 11, 2015 |
I've nursed the idea of this topic for a while and had started writing on it, before a mail from Esther Perel, landed in my mail box, I was surprised and actually felt like she stole my idea  but then I remembered, she's a superior, a mentor of sorts whom I have never communicated with on a tête-à-tête basis.It was the content of her mail that gave me the final motivation to put down something on this topic. A majority of this intellectual property belongs to her. We all have weaknesses which we must overcome, in the course of doing this, it behoves on us as a moral duty, to let our partners know that we are trying to be better for them and ultimately, ourselves. As we engage in this discourse, we should bear in mind that as humans, we believe that sharing is caring. Now when streamlined into genuine intimate relationships, sharing here doesn't just border on money and/or material stuff; it entails sharing your being with them, sharing YOU. So more oft than not, if you're not that way with them, they might assume they are not worth your time, and they just move on. A dilemma we all grapple with, to one degree or another, is telling a potential partner about our past....and we all enter relationships with a past. That history can include being in serious debt, a parent who went to jail, divorced parents, having a child out of wedlock, an STD, a bad gambling habit, sexual or physical abuse, a family member who committed suicide, a less common sexual preference, a particular illness which runs in the family, psychological issues when it comes to sexual relations, criminal/murderous past -- the list goes on. If we want to build meaningful relationships that transcends time itself, I think that in addition to showing off our strengths and the things that make us tick and divine, it is equally okay to show our human side too...to folks whom we believe might be worth it (until they give us reasons to believe otherwise) This ^^^ is a lesson I'm learning to learn. We're usually more focused on people seeing our warm, angelic side and how cool and collected we can be. But there's another part of us too.... We yearn to be accepted and loved, and we’re told we need to be open and authentic in our relationships for that to happen. But we also fear rejection. Our darker side often carries a degree of shame, which can make us feel tainted and unworthy of being loved, being touched, being chosen. So the challenge now would be, when do we feel comfortable around a certain individual enough to remove our masks and let them in on our strengths and flaws, our successes, our failures? ^^SUGGESTION This depends on how you feel about who you are, and how comfortable you are with the secret. First of all, think about the difference between explaining something from a place of victimization vs. from a place of heroism. If you emphasize how you overcame a situation, how you grew from it, how it became a resource in your life, then you turn shame into strength. Also, keep in mind that information may affect the other person in different ways. For example, telling a potential sexual partner that you have an STD casts a different spell than if you tell him or her about your alcoholic father. There's no gold standard of when to discuss challenging issues of your past. If you disclose too soon, you’re likely to be judged and your date may not want to deal with the complications that your history carries. If you wait too long to disclose, you risk your date feeling that you're not being honest, that you've withheld important information. Ideas to consider: 1.Use your intuition and consider the other person. 2. How mature is he or she? How will he or she take news that takes away the easy ride of the romantic story? 3. Talk about the process itself. Ask your date, “How do you decide when and what you share?” “Have you ever said anything you regretted?” “Did you wish, at times, you had been more forthcoming?” This will lead you into the conversation about the conversation. It’s a way of entering into the arena and navigating openness and privacy. You’re touching the walls, seeing where they’re hollow, and finding entry points where it’s more inviting. You’ll sense very quickly if this secret frightens your date, or instead, if their curiosity is heightened. Be patient: they may be silent and unsettled at first, pull away initially, but become less reticent later. Don’t immediately react or regret opening your mouth. Accept that some people will find this grounds for not wanting to continue. That’s a blessing in disguise. If they tell you that they are not interested upfront, you don’t have to spend time wondering and living in doubt. And while you contemplate when and what to say, remember that they are probably doing the same, for they too may have secrets to reveal. When we are invested in our own dark side, we don’t always realize that others have a dark side, as well. In addition to the suggestions above, I would love to read your suggestions and not mind your sharing experiences of how you've handled talking about a past you're not particularly proud of, and your successes stories too, on how you rose above. The Summary Of All That Is Written Above Is, In Our Relationships, When And How Do We Go About Showcasing Our Bad Character/Past? Tenk  You can visit my Blog to share your story and/or suggestion(s) anonymously....and read other write ups by me. 7 Likes 5 Shares |
| Re: How To Divulge Your Weaknesses Or Dark Side/Past To Your Partner. by okotv(m): 5:14pm On Jul 11, 2015 |
First off is there a fake you   Bookmarked...would be back to read and comment appropriately. |
| Re: How To Divulge Your Weaknesses Or Dark Side/Past To Your Partner. by Deexxy: 5:15pm On Jul 11, 2015 |
Couldn't get to half of the write-up. 5 Likes |
| Re: How To Divulge Your Weaknesses Or Dark Side/Past To Your Partner. by Nobody: 5:18pm On Jul 11, 2015 |
GOOD STRUCTURE IN TERMS OF WRITE UP.... EMPTY CONTENT... 11 Likes 1 Share |
| Re: How To Divulge Your Weaknesses Or Dark Side/Past To Your Partner. by MizMyColi(f): 5:18pm On Jul 11, 2015 |
okotv: Impossible is nothing 1 Like 1 Share |
| Re: How To Divulge Your Weaknesses Or Dark Side/Past To Your Partner. by Tallesty1(m): 5:21pm On Jul 11, 2015 |
Typing |
| Re: How To Divulge Your Weaknesses Or Dark Side/Past To Your Partner. by okotv(m): 6:16pm On Jul 11, 2015 |
MizMyColi:. Well I can say you don't have you. |
| Re: How To Divulge Your Weaknesses Or Dark Side/Past To Your Partner. by Nobody: 6:36pm On Jul 11, 2015 |
The real Mizmycoli is back from her foray in political .. |
| Re: How To Divulge Your Weaknesses Or Dark Side/Past To Your Partner. by MizMyColi(f): 6:42pm On Jul 11, 2015 |
| Re: How To Divulge Your Weaknesses Or Dark Side/Past To Your Partner. by MizMyColi(f): 6:43pm On Jul 11, 2015 |
https://www.nairaland.com/2444360/feeling-unworthy-how-find-way#35750897 ^^^ the universe is speaking to "someone" loud and clear today. |
| Re: How To Divulge Your Weaknesses Or Dark Side/Past To Your Partner. by Nobody: 6:47pm On Jul 11, 2015 |
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| Re: How To Divulge Your Weaknesses Or Dark Side/Past To Your Partner. by Nobody: 6:47pm On Jul 11, 2015 |
MizMyColi: The political season is over. At least you have another four years to find a solid footing in your God given career. Your come back thread is a little bit rusty but I'm sure you'll blossom again. |
| Re: How To Divulge Your Weaknesses Or Dark Side/Past To Your Partner. by Nobody: 6:48pm On Jul 11, 2015 |
Freemanan:I kept reading and reading but still couldn't get a message. 5 Likes |
| Re: How To Divulge Your Weaknesses Or Dark Side/Past To Your Partner. by donbenedict(m): 6:49pm On Jul 11, 2015 |
I tot mizmycoli wrote she was gona write about herself in this thread... |
| Re: How To Divulge Your Weaknesses Or Dark Side/Past To Your Partner. by Nobody: 6:51pm On Jul 11, 2015 |
ahsekeena:The writer got too carried away with words and forgot her message.... Common mistake... 4 Likes |
| Re: How To Divulge Your Weaknesses Or Dark Side/Past To Your Partner. by MizMyColi(f): 6:56pm On Jul 11, 2015 |
Brandnew2: Young Man, Incase you've not noticed, there is nothing come-back ish around here. If I wanted a come-back I would write an article that is fully mine.....without using anyone's words. The two threads I have created today are soul searching and isn't meant to impress anyone, and as you can tell from my tone, I am not happy-go-lucky at the moment. Please do well not to get me provoked. Thanks. |
| Re: How To Divulge Your Weaknesses Or Dark Side/Past To Your Partner. by Nobody: 6:59pm On Jul 11, 2015 |
MizMyColi:You are getting somewhere with this. I'd like to see more fire in you. I don't mind getting burnt either. |
| Re: How To Divulge Your Weaknesses Or Dark Side/Past To Your Partner. by MizMyColi(f): 6:59pm On Jul 11, 2015 |
ahsekeena: It's okay if you don't. I did at first glance. I guess the message is not meant for you. 2 Likes |
| Re: How To Divulge Your Weaknesses Or Dark Side/Past To Your Partner. by MizMyColi(f): 6:59pm On Jul 11, 2015 |
 Brandnew2: |
| Re: How To Divulge Your Weaknesses Or Dark Side/Past To Your Partner. by Nobody: 7:01pm On Jul 11, 2015 |
MizMyColi:Corrections made. |
| Re: How To Divulge Your Weaknesses Or Dark Side/Past To Your Partner. by MizMyColi(f): 7:05pm On Jul 11, 2015 |
[s] donbenedict:[/s] Your contribution on the other thread was "lol" And now this. I ask you.... Are you here to truly listen and be inspired or are you here to showcase how versed you are in the art of judgemental-ism? |
| Re: How To Divulge Your Weaknesses Or Dark Side/Past To Your Partner. by Nobody: 7:07pm On Jul 11, 2015 |
So there's a real/fake side to everyone? |
| Re: How To Divulge Your Weaknesses Or Dark Side/Past To Your Partner. by donbenedict(m): 7:22pm On Jul 11, 2015 |
MizMyColi:I laffed cuz i found it amusing. Well its a nice post buh I was expecting smth different |
| Re: How To Divulge Your Weaknesses Or Dark Side/Past To Your Partner. by Nobody: 7:33pm On Jul 11, 2015 |
I had to read the article at least twice to fully grasp the import it conveys within. And I can sincerely relate with it. When I was into one of those relationships I knew were headed nowhere, I simply played my very good part and somehow allowed the babe(s) to find out the seeming ugly parts. Everyone has these two parts in themselves. Everyone has some aspect of their lives they're very keen to improve on. Everyone has some habits and traits they would love to not associate with. People naturally amplify their good ends and beat low on the other sides. Everyone has a past. Some even have a past they wished can be undone. That's life. But when it came to the one relationship I knew was destined to the very last, I had NO option than bare it all for her. I did it for myself and for her. I risked being rejected; but I was determined to not allow another person share the negative impacts of something they know absolutely nothing about. I think that was human! I had to place myself in her shoes. I was ready to be despised for being true than be loved for being false. You can even cover the truth for eternity. I had done something in the past I thought it could negatively impact our future. The future is very important and very close. With courage I bared it all; and with a sigh of relief, I greeted her decision to continue. It was a very tough one. I just had to be true to myself. 2 Likes 1 Share |
| Re: How To Divulge Your Weaknesses Or Dark Side/Past To Your Partner. by MizMyColi(f): 7:38pm On Jul 11, 2015 |
MarvellousGod: That's why the "real" was put in quotes. It's a way of describing that part of us that we don't readily put out there. Then there is also a the issue of having a dark past... Let's assume I was a member of a female fraternity during campus days... That's not the kind of thing one announces willingly na 2 Likes |
| Re: How To Divulge Your Weaknesses Or Dark Side/Past To Your Partner. by Nobody: 8:12pm On Jul 11, 2015 |
Sincerely, I didn't even understand the SUMMARY, not to talk of the PASSAGE The only thing i like, about the Write-up is just the colour blends 4 Likes |
| Re: How To Divulge Your Weaknesses Or Dark Side/Past To Your Partner. by Nobody: 8:14pm On Jul 11, 2015 |
MizMyColi:Good for you. The topic got me attracted,which means it reached out to me. But the content, not so much. 5 Likes |
| Re: How To Divulge Your Weaknesses Or Dark Side/Past To Your Partner. by Nobody: 8:14pm On Jul 11, 2015 |
Freemanan: Now, this is what I call, Constructive CRITICISM!!! 4 Likes |
| Re: How To Divulge Your Weaknesses Or Dark Side/Past To Your Partner. by Joromi1: 8:29pm On Jul 11, 2015 |
Tomfrench:No, it's not constructive criticism. He's just too lazy to read and digest 2 Likes 1 Share |
| Re: How To Divulge Your Weaknesses Or Dark Side/Past To Your Partner. by MizMyColi(f): 9:09pm On Jul 11, 2015 |
1 Like 2 Shares |
| Re: How To Divulge Your Weaknesses Or Dark Side/Past To Your Partner. by Dyt(f): 9:14pm On Jul 11, 2015 |
Deep sigh I didn't bother to read cos I was so sure I won't understand a thing, good she made do with a clear subject In my small life, I have seen lots and to some extent Love does matter a lot, I have foolishly loved that I kept forgiving this same guy, he only needs to say sorry and we are back. But yes I can Can I really date a killer/abuser? Hell noooo I am too pretty to be disfigured Runs away 1 Like |
| Re: How To Divulge Your Weaknesses Or Dark Side/Past To Your Partner. by MizMyColi(f): 9:18pm On Jul 11, 2015 |
Tomfrench: Gosh, could you please stop displaying your ignorance and being all smiles about it? If you do not understand and you truly desire to, why don't you ask questions? Or you're purposely on the thread to put my, and the efforts of the original writer down? I would ignore this comment if it were made by some random person, but for a person who emerged Mr NL, this goes to show how much intellect you possess. |
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