most people are saying it's wrong without giving reasons. it could be wrong, depending on the context or circumstance. it all boils down to motives and the person's intentions.

whats the difference between Miss A, who doesn't live with her boyfriend but sleeps with him when she visit and is pregnant on her wedding day. Miss B, who lives with her boyfriend, sleeps with him and is not pregnant on her wedding day. or Miss C who insists on standing fully for what she believes, she wouldn't sleep with her boyfriend and wouldn't live with him so she's not tempted to sleep with him. or Miss D who stay with her boyfriend occassionally, doesn't sleep with him and is not pregnant on her wedding day. it's all about motives. God sees ones heart but people can't.

for the sake of another person who is not strong enough, it's better not to stay with him.
all thing maybe lawfull but not all things may be expedient. it may not be a sin, but it maybe indescent.

You left out Miss A+, who doesn't live with her boyfriend but sleeps with him when she visit and is not pregnant on her wedding day. Most women fall under the A+ category. In this day and age, a woman can have all the sex she wants without getting pregnant (link) and this is exactly what our girls do. Because they believe that that God understands.

nferyn: Only living together helps you find out if you're made for each other or not.

Then how come the divorce rate is so high in countries where living together before marriage is the norm? Countries like the US, Europe? One would have thought that after living together for so long before marriage, they will have no cause to get a divorce later on. Instead, we discover is a very high divorce rate. Why? nferyn please take the stand!

If you critically look at the statistics of those getting divorced, it tends to occur mostly among immigrants... Most likely as a result of newer found freedom of expression..

Also, the trend for most younger couples these days is to co-habit, without necessarily becoming formally married...
Most of the divorce cases one comes across tend to occur with people who haven't lived together before getting married..

Check the statistics, and see if these statements are wrong.. (don't ask me for my source, 'cos I haven't referenced any.. though it would be nice for me to be proven right or wrong.. )

@CimonJorr: You have poured some cold water on the discussion by making those bold statements, so you've got to back them up!

I'm inviting someone who knows facts to discuss the question of why the divorce rate remains high in a culture where cohabitation is a norm. I think the answer will open our eyes.

... ok.. standing by for someone more "informed"...

It's not wrong. It will help both of them how it feels to stick together 24/7 before it's too late.

Seun:

Then how come the divorce rate is so high in countries where living together before marriage is the norm? Countries like the US, Europe? One would have thought that after living together for so long before marriage, they will have no cause to get a divorce later on. Instead, we discover is a very high divorce rate. Why? nferyn please take the stand!

Seun, you mix up correlation with causality, you'd make an excellent talk show host or journalist

btw, Yurop [/b]is no country I know of
I guess (and that's just an informed guess) that there are less divorces in countries like Nigeria because the stigma is much greater, so people stay in unhappy marriages.

Also, don't forget that humans are biologically not 100% monogamous. There's an intersting study on this where sexual dimorphism (differences between males and females) is compared to monogamy rates. They find a very high correlation between differences in size between males and females and their monogamy. the more equal the size, the more monogamous (just make the thought experiment with some species you know). You can read more about this in [b]The Ancestor's Tale by Richard Dawkins, http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/0618005838/103-1561542-6984644?v=glance

If indeed human beings are not monogamous, then the idea of living together before marriage serves no useful purpose. Afterall, you're still going to divorce her, so why not go ahead and marry her immediately and get it over with? There are tax benefits in marriage, you know, plus the society's blesing, so why delay marriage if humans are not monogamous?

About 'causality': Are you saying that the reason why people in countries like the US live together before marriage is because they notice a high rate of divorce around them? If so, then now that they are starting to live together much more than in the past, is the divorce rate coming down? Is cohabitation really helping or is it just a means of postponing the inevitable divorce?

Seun:

If indeed human beings are not monogamous, then the idea of living together before marriage serves no useful purpose. Afterall, you're still going to divorce her, so why not go ahead and marry her immediately and get it over with? There are tax benefits in marriage, you know, plus the society's blesing, so why delay marriage if humans are not monogamous?

There are different scales between monogamy and polygamy. You 're living too much in an ideal platonic world, Seun, but being a geek, I forgive you ... go and multiply
Humans are not 100% monogamous: you have affairs, one-night-stands, mistresses, formally polygamous societies, serial monogamy (very popular nowadays)

Seun:

About 'causality': Are you saying that the reason why people in countries like the US live together before marriage is because they notice a high rate of divorce around them? If so, then now that they are starting to live together much more than in the past, is the divorce rate coming down? Is cohabitation really helping or is it just a means of postponing the inevitable divorce?

There may very well be other factors influencing the divorce rate. there is no direct causal relation between the pre-marriage living together and the divorce rate after marriage. And mostly we're talking about other people (generations) anyway, the people divorcing now [/b]are not the ones that are living together before marriage [b]now.

it depends on what u see as living together
if itz stayin together well itz ok
but if it involves sex Boy
itz not ok

Oracle:

it depends on what u see as living together
if itz stayin together well itz ok
but if it involves sex Boy
itz not ok

Why is it not OK when sex is involved?

umm, living together before marriage as in:

the two are engaged and have set a wedding date

or

the two want to get to see how things will work before they consider getting engaged and getting married.

The first may be ok, the second - there are numerous studies in recent years that who people in that category tend NOT to get married or if they do, they have a very high 85+ percentage of getting divorced.

allonym:

umm, living together before marriage as in:

the two are engaged and have set a wedding date

or

the two want to get to see how things will work before they consider getting engaged and getting married.

The first may be ok, the second - there are numerous studies in recent years that who people in that category tend NOT to get married or if they do, they have a very high 85+ percentage of getting divorced.

See above:
1. We're not talking about the same people
2. correlation does not equal causation
3. any such study making these claims needs to be watertight. Can you point me to some original sources?

We all know it's wrong ...................... but most people do it! It's like sex before marriage!

......it depends on the circumstances but really, its not ideal

What you think marriage is determined how you go about it. The ceremony is apart.

hmmmmmm

I understand that circumstances may force the couple to live together even without any offence intended. But you know, it is always wise to play safe. They should try as much as possible to avoid the guilt and regret of falling into temtation.

1 Thessalonians 5:22 - Abstain from all appearance of evil.  

I have come again with my scripture quotations abi?

Seun the fact that there are more divorces in Europe and America than in Africa is simply because africans believe in for better and for worse, while europeans and americans think if things don't go right pack out and find your way!

resources:
http://marriage.rutgers.edu/

http://people.bu.edu/charris/marriage.html

http://marriage.about.com/cs/cohabitation/a/livingtogether.htm

These are three sites to get you started. The rutgers university site is probably one of the most comprehensive in the planet in terms of exploring the topics of marriage - outside of any "advice" forum and the about.com site should provide you with other links and studies.

from http://www.unmarried.org/marriage-after-cohab.php are some suggestions that I would say ppl thinking of moving in together should take seriously:

Some couples who live together don't want to get married, and some (like gay and lesbian couples) are prevented from marrying. But if lifelong marriage is your goal, as it is for the majority of male-female couples who move in together, here are our ten recommendations for how to increase the chances that your marriage will be a success.

1. Make the decision to live with a sweetie slowly, seriously, and with great care.

2. Before you move in together, be very clear about what you expect. Do you both definitely plan to get married? Do neither of you want to get married? Do you see cohabitation as a trial that will help you decide? You should both have a clear sense of what moving in together means to each of you.

3. Keep your expectations reasonable. Living together will not magically transform an "I'll never get married" guy into one who proposes on one knee. Sharing a kitchen and bedroom will not sweeten a volatile relationship. Live together because your relationship is going well, not to try to make it better.

4. Similarly, don't marry your cohabiting partner because you hope marriage will change her. If you don't like what you see in an unmarried significant other, you definitely won't like it in a spouse.

5. Define the amount of time you'll cohabit. One way is to get engaged and set a wedding date before you move in together. Another possibility is to set a future date (six months, one year?) at which time you both promise to have another serious conversation about marriage and make a definite decision about it.

6. Write and sign a "living together agreement" to help clarify your expectations and define how you'll handle finances and property. The conversations you'll need to have in order to do this will strengthen your relationship -- and protect you later if you decide it's best to go your separate ways. The book Living Together: A Legal Guide for Unmarried Couples, by Attorneys Toni Ihara, Ralph Warner, and Frederick Hertz, has great samples agreements you can modify (it's available from AtMP).

7. Take a couples' education class. Research suggests that all couples have the same number of conflicts, but some handle conflicts well while others break up as a result of them. Couples' classes, which teach how to make sure your relationship can survive conflict, are often targeted for married or engaged couples. Before you sign up, make sure they believe in strengthening cohabitors' relationships, too.

8. If you're considering or planning to get married, talk about what will change and what will stay the same. Will your household chores change? The way your bank accounts are set up? Do you think people will treat you differently, and how to do you feel about that? What does it mean to you to be a husband or a wife? There are no right or wrong answers -- what's important is that you stay conscious about your choices instead of having them dictated by a soap opera script.

9. Use birth control. It's a lot more fun and romantic to get married because you want to, not because you accidentally got pregnant. The unplanned pregnancy rate is high among cohabitors, but kids do best when they're wanted and planned. Whether you're married or not when you become a parent, your family will be strongest if it's fully intentional.

10. Talk about marriage with people you respect who have been married a long time. Ask them about the hardest times, how and why they stayed together, what it was like when the relationship felt rocky, how they feel about it now. The insights from long marriages can be inspiring -- and a good reality check.

Hmmmmmm, Engineer Allonym, that's a nice research U got going! big ups!

From the articles:
1) People who live together before marriage have a higher divorce rate.
2) This is probably because those who live together before marriage value marriage less than those who don't.

My conclusion: If 'my' woman says, "let's live together for a while before the decision", perhaps I should start 'shopping' for another one?

Here's that correlation/causation thingy popping up again, Seun.
The only thing that's established is correlation, we need a little more to have a causal relationship between the two facts.

personally, i really don't see much wrong with it as long as both of you are sure of yourselves, you know where you are going and most importantly, that you WILL eventually end up getting married, becos sometimes somepeople just disregard the whole idea of getting married after they've had kids and are comfortable. Then again, my parents must not hear me say this so ssshhhhh!

I'm satisfied with the statistical information that people who live together before marriage do not enjoy lower divorce rate as a result. Someone has speculated that there's a third factor involved, "desire for marriage", which is responsible for the increased practice of cohabitation as well as the higher divorce rate in certain couples. I am convinced.

People need information they can apply to their daily lives.

Well, I don't care whoever feels offended by this post but why would a girl's parents open their eyes and allow their daughter to go off and live with someone they've not formally given her to? That's carelessness and negligence on their part and I guess it's only parents who practised such before they got married that would allow that. Except if they are dead or they don't know about it sha. But how won't they even know where their daughter lives?

I consider the excuse of not knowing each other enough without living together as "Laziness" of the two lovers in question. They are looking for the easier way to know each other, not willing to work hard at making the relationship work. What of people who never lived together and still gave it all it took to get to know each other and later got married to live happily ever after? It's a very flimsy excuse to say you are living together to know each other better. Please give another excuse.

Cohabitation is a practice of doubtful value but I don't think it's a matter that should provoke any indignation. Honesty before marriage and a strong determination to make the marriage work will probably go a longer way to ensure success, but cohabitation shouldn't be treated as if it's so bad.

IAH: If you're an adult, your parents have no say in the matter of whether you choose to live with your fiance or not. If you're leaving with your fiance, voluntarily, and they start trying to force you out, then you can call the police. I live in Nigeria.

Seun:

but cohabitation shouldn't be treated as if it's so bad.

For me, IT IS SO BAD.
Morally, it is bad because it could lead to Sex before Marriage. Excuse me, it's not even "could" I mean Cohabitation before marriage is definitely = sex before marriage except if the girl lacks everything sensual. How can you live together without sex? It is practically impossible. So if Premarital Sex is bad, then whatever fuels it should be bad too.

What if you find out that you are not compatible after you have lived together? In this case, it's the lady that looses more. She moves out and tries to hook on to another man, huh? Would you, as a man, love to marry someone that has lived with probably 3 different men while running compatibility experiments here and there?

Seun:

IAH: If you're an adult, your parents have no say in the matter of whether you choose to live with your fiance or not. If you're leaving with your fiance, voluntarily, and they start trying to force you out, then you can call the police. I live in Nigeria.

They could have a say if the issue involves disgracing them.

IAH:

[SNIP]
What if you find out that you are not compatible after you have lived together? In this case, it's the lady that looses more. She moves out and tries to hook on to another man, huh? Would you, as a man, love to marry someone that has lived with probably 3 different men while running compatibility experiments here and there?
[SNIP]

Why would the lady have to move? Why not the man?
I wouldn't mind marrying someone who has been with other men before, but it doesn't apply to me, as I'm happily married. What's so wrong with that? Men do it all the time, why wouldn't women?

So, what exactly are the pro's and con's of co-habitation?