Many young people are very idealistic about marriage; at least, that is the impression I get when I interact with them. At a youth gathering sometime ago, a young man told me this story and asked for advice. His friend and the fiancée had agreed that there will be no premarital sex, mainly on the insistence of the lady.
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The young man grudgingly agreed and looked forward to deflowering his wife after wedding, but alas he encountered no roadblock on their first outing. He was angry and disappointed. He then asked me, what should his friend do?

It was my turn to fire him questions. “Did the lady tell your friend during courtship that she was a virgin?” He answered no. So the friend only assumed. “What or who is your friend marrying, the virginity or the lady?”

“The lady,” he answered. “So what is the problem? This friend who is obsessed with virginity, is he a virgin?” The answer was “no.” A lot of the time we chase shadows instead of substance.

Then I remembered a story another friend told me some time ago and I started wondering, who is a virgin? My friend said in a particular country (name withheld because I could not independently verify his tale), it is a crime or taboo for a girl to lose her “virginity” before marriage.

So what the girls do is to engage in anal penetration (AKA anal sex) and the men also grope their breasts, bums and other parts of their bodies during pre-marriage relationships. But their hymen (the membrane partially or totally covering the opening of the vagina) is still there for their future husbands to “proudly” break after marriage. My question is: are these girls still virgins? Na who be fool? Who be mumu?

Also in some relationships where fiancés and fiancées agree to no sex before marriage, they engage in all forms of sexually intimate acts, except actual vaginal penetration with the penis; are they still virgins? There are lesbians who are actively involved in same sex relationships, but have never been penetrated, so their hymen might be intact, are they virgins?

Now it gets a little complicated. A school of thought argues that rape victims, who were virgins before the rape, are still virgins, even though they have been penetrated and the hymen, broken. They argue that as long as they did not consent to the act, they are virgins because consent is a prerequisite for losing your virginity.

We know for a fact that sports women and others involved in some physical activities can inadvertently break their hymen. The implication is that there is no evidence to prove their virginity, but can those of them who have never had sex still be classified as virgins?

Who is a virgin? The simple dictionary definition of a virgin is “a person who has never had sexual intercourse.” So what is sexual intercourse? Wikipedia says sexual intercourse “is principally the insertion and thrusting of a male’s penis, usually when erect, into a female’s vagina…” This definition is old, traditional and does not address emerging trends.

Humankind has “moved” on. Same sex relationships and marriages have been legalised in many countries, a fact Wikipedia acknowledges. So, sexual intercourse now includes “MouthAction,” “anal sex” and “fingering” among many other new trends.

So who is a virgin? The definition of a virgin has become a matter of individual interpretations to many, but I will associate virginity with one who is pure, chaste, undefiled, unpolluted and unadulterated. You make your deductions.

Many young men want to marry virgins, but cannot find them. Water everywhere, yet none to drink. Who are the pollutants? Why are the virgins scarce? We all know. If married men and women leave bachelors and spinsters alone and bachelors and spinsters keep their hands off one another, there will be an avalanche of virgins. We are knocking our heads over a situation we contributed in creating?

To young men looking for “virgins” to marry, this is my take. It is your life and you have a right to live it the way you like within legal limits, of course, but I have issues with people who come to equity with filthy hands. Also, what exactly do you want from marriage? You must have clarity of purpose, so that you do not focus on the ephemeral to the detriment of recurring issues in marriage.

Virginity is a virtue and it is good for spiritual reasons and the feel-good factor ( na me disvirgin, actually deflower, my wife), but transgressors should be forgiven. God’s grace, if not, I will not be here running my mouth, sorry pen.

I belong to groups who encourage young people to live chaste lives, but we do not condemn others who have made mistakes, because “there is no condemnation unto those who are in Christ Jesus.”(Rom: 8:1). “If the son of man sets you free, you are free indeed.”(John 8:36). The simple message is “go and sin no more.”(John 8:11).

Let me conclude with an analogy. Prior apologies for comparing God’s created with manmade objects, but I see a relationship between virgins/non virgins and brand new cars/fairly used cars. Everybody loves a brand new car. We love the freshness, the pride of being the person who tore off the “rubber,” but can everybody afford a brand new car?

Again if you are offered a brand new Kia Picanto and a Lexus Jeep that has done only 5000 miles, which one will you choose? Also, between a brand new Honda Accord and a Rolls Royce with a 10,000 mileage, which offers superior performance?

Which is better, marrying a virgin you will live turbulently with for the rest of your life or a spouse who is a soul mate, although she had a prior relationship? Virginity is good, godly and holy, but marriage is much more than virginity. Marriage already has trailer-loads of issues. Sort out prior issues during courtship and leave them there; do not import them into marriage.

Share your thoughts

V

Nice one op.