The Foolish Dictionary:100 Hilarious meaning of words
If you can take your time to go through this list,it will be worth your time,dont stop at 1,2,15 or 99, get to 100

1.ABSTINENCE: From the Persian ab, water, and stein, or tankard.
Hence, water tankard, or "water wagon."

2.ACCIDENT: A condition of affairs in which presence of mind is good,
but absence of body better.

3.ADAMANT: From "Adam's Aunt," reputed to be a hard character.
Hence, anything tough, or hard.

4.ADVICE: A commodity peddled by your lawyer and given away by your
mother-in-law, but impossible to dispose of yourself. Famous as
the one thing which it is "More blessed to give than receive"

5.ADVERSITY: A bottomless lake, surrounded by near-sighted friends

6.AFFINITY: Complimentary term for your husband or your wife.
Sometimes a synonym for "Your finish."

7.ALCOHOL: A liquid good for preserving almost everything except
secrets.

8.ALIMONY: An expensive soothing syrup, prescribed by the judge for a
divorcee's bleeding heart. (Old spelling, allay money).

9.ANCESTORS: The originators of the Family Tree, a remarkable sex
paradox in which the Ann sisters are always the four fathers.

10.ANTI-IMPERIALIST: A patriot whose conscience works overtime

11.ARGUMENT: Breaking and entering the ear, assault and battery on the
brain and disturbing the peace.

12.ATHLETE: A dignified bunch of muscles, unable to split wood or sift
the ashes.

13.BACHELOR: From Latin baculus, a stick, unattached. Hence, an
unattached man, which any lady may stick, stick to, or get stuck
on.
14.BACKBITER: A mosquito

15.BASEBALL: A game in which the young man who bravely strikes out for
himself receives no praise for it.

16.BENEDICT: A married male.

17.BENEDICTINE: A married female.

18.BENEDICTION: Their children.

19.BIRTH :An aid to life, discovered by Woman

20.BONE: the original price of a wife. Note, Adam, who
had to give up one bone before he got Eve.

21.BRAIN: The top-floor apartment in the Human Block, known as the
Cranium, and kept by the Sarah Sisters--Sarah Brum and Sarah Belum,
assisted by Medulla Oblongata

22.BROKE: A word expressing the ultimate condition of one who is too
much bent on speculating

23.CAB: Affair for a drive.

24.CAFE: A place where the public pays the proprietor for the
privilege of tipping the waiters for something to eat

25.CANNIBAL: A heathen hobo who never works, but lives on other
people.

26.CAPTIVATE: From Lat. caput, head, and Eng. vacate, or empty,--to
empty the head. Note, Women who have captivated men

27.CAVALRY: That arm of the military service that engages in the real
hoss-tilities

28.CEMETERY: The one place where princes and paupers, porters and
presidents are finally on the dead level.

29.CHAUFFEUR: A man who is smart enough to operate an automobile, but
clever enough not to own one.

30.CONSCIENCE: The fear of being found out.

31.COSMETIC: A new face-maker

32.CREDIT: Something for nothing

33.CREDITOR: Something with nothing.

34.CRITIC: A wet blanket that soaks everything it touches

35.CROOK: One who exceeds the speed limit in Law & Order

36.CYNIC: A man who knows the price of everything and the value of
nothing.

37.DANCE: A brisk, physical exercise, invented by St. Vitus

38.DATES: A fruit commonly plucked from the Family Tree and spread on
the leaves of history

39.DEBT: A big word beginning with Owe, which grows bigger the more it
is contracted.

40.DELEGATE: From Eng. dally, to loaf, and Fr. gate, spoiled. A
spoiled loafer.

41.DEVIL: An old rascal mentioned in the Bible, now reported engaged
to Mary McLane

42.DIAMOND: A bright gem the sparkle of which sometimes renders a
woman stone-blind to the defects of the man proffering it

43.DIARY: An honest autobiography. A good keepsake but a bad give away.

44.DIPLOMAT: An international liar, with an elastic conscience and a
rubber neck.

45.DIVIDENDS: A gambler's reward

46.DIVORCE: it is frequently a legal
formula that immediately precedes a fashionable wedding

47.DREAM: What a man may call a woman, though a Pill may have
suggested it. Sweethearts are dreams because they seldom come
true; wives, because they're often a night-mare, and both because
they go by contraries.

48.DYNAMITE: The peroration of an anarchist's argument

49.EARLY: A title of stupidity

50.ECONOMY: Denying ourselves a necessary today in order to buy a
luxury to-morrow

51.ELECTION: A periodical picnic for the American People. Held in
booths, where the Voter puts in his ballot, and The Machine elects
whatever it chooses

52.ENGAGEMENT: In war, a battle. In love, the salubrious calm that
precedes the real hostilities.

53.ETIQUETTE: A convenient code of conduct which makes Lying a virtue
and Snobbishness a righteous deed

54.EVOLUTION: A clever trick performed by one Darwin, who made a
monkey of Adam.

55.FAME: Having a brand of cigars named after you

56.FICTION: The Constitutional fiat that "all men are created equal.

57.FLATTERY: Cologne water, to be smelled of but not swallowed.

58.FORBEARANCE: The spirit of toleration shown when a man who knows,
patiently listens to a fool who does not.

58.GOLF: An excuse for carrying unconcealed weapons and a Scotch
breath.

60.GOSSIP: a vulture that tears its prey to bits, or an
exercise of the wind-pipe from which every victim gets a blow.

61.HEAVEN: A good place to be raised to.

62.HELL: Poverty.

63.HEREDITY: The cause of all our faults

64.HISTORY: The evil that men do.

65.IDIOT: From Eng. idea, and out. One who is just out of ideas.

66.INCOME: The reliable offspring of a wise investment

67.INFANT: A disturber of the peace.

68.INTUITION: A fictitious quality in females--really Suspicion.

69.JOB: An uncertain commodity regulated by a Union Card.

70.JUDGE: One who sits on a bench in a court, frames sentences and
finishes crooks for a living, and swears continually

71.JURY: Twelve men chosen to decide who has the better lawyer

72.KISS: An indescribable something that is of no value to any one,
but is much prized by the right two

73.LAWYER: One who defends your estate against an enemy, in order to
appropriate it to himself

74.LEGISLATURE: Hence, a
company of men brought together to bluster, or a company of law
makers who know nothing about law.

75.LIE: A very poor substitute for the truth but the only one
discovered up to date

76.LOVE: A man's insane desire to become a woman's meal-ticket

77.LOVER: An ardent admirer who says, "Yes, dearest, I will shovel the
snow of the lake so that we can go skating!" and, after marriage
remarks, "What! Shovel the snow off the walk for you? Well, I
should say not! I'm no chore boy."

78.MAN: Something that "Goes first on four feet, then two feet, then
three, but the more feet it goes on the weaker it be!"

79.MANICURE: The only woman who can beat a carpenter at soaking nails.

80.MATRIMONY: A game for women, in which the unmarried half are trying
to find a husband and the married half trying not to be found out
by one. Both halves are eminently successful.

81.MIRACLE: A woman who won't talk

82.MONEY: Society's vindication of vulgarity.

83.MONOPOLY: A modern device for impoverishing others

84.MOON: The only lighting monopoly that never made money.

85.MOSQUITO: A small insect designed by God to make us think better of
flies.

86.NEIGHBOR: One who knows more about your affairs than yourself

87.OBESITY: A surplus gone to waist

88.OPIUM: The real author of "The Dream Book."

89.PARENTS: One of the hardships of a minor's life

90.PEACE: A mythical condition of tranquillity frequently reported
from the Phillipines

91.PESSIMIST: One who paints things blue. And sometimes red.

92.PHILANTHROPIST: One who returns to the people publicly a small
percentage of the wealth he steals from them privately

93.POLICEMAN: A never present help in time of trouble.

94.QUESTION: Is marriage a failure?

95.REPUTATION: A personal possession, frequently not discovered until
lost

96.SINNER: A stupid person who gets found out.

97.WOMAN: An aspiring creature whose political sphere is still
slightly flattened at the polls.

98.YEAR: A period originally including 365 days, now 325, since the
other 40 are Lent.

99.ZEALOT :One who loves morality so well he will commit crime to
maintain it.

100.ZIGZAG: The popular route after a heavy drinking.

From the FOOLISH Dictionary
Executed by GIDEON WURDZ
Master of Pholly, Doctor of Loquacious Lunacy, Fellow of the Royal
Gibe Society, etc., etc.

4.ADVICE: A commodity peddled by your lawyer and given away by your
mother-in-law, but impossible to dispose of yourself. Famous as
the one thing which it is "More blessed to give than receive"
so truuuuueee

Wow

6.AFFINITY: Complimentary term for your husband or your wife.
Sometimes a synonym for "Your finish."

12.ATHLETE: A dignified bunch of muscles, unable to split wood or sift
the ashes.
ohh my lol,esp Jamaicans

Ohk

LMAO.
I happen to prefer Ambrose Bier's Devil's Dictionary; the wit is mordant, and the aphorisms timeless.

1. Academy, n. A modern school where football is taught.


2. Achievement, n. The death of endeavor and the birth of disgust.


3. Alone, adj. In bad company.


4. Beauty, n. The power by which a woman charms a lover and terrifies a husband.


5. Behavior, n. Conduct, as determined, not by principle, but by breeding.


6. Brain, n. An apparatus with which we think what we think. That which distinguishes the man who is content to be something from the man who wishes to do something.


7. Cabbage, n. A familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise as a man’s head.


8. Cat, n. A soft, indestructible automaton provided by nature to be kicked when things go wrong in the domestic circle.

9. Childhood, n. The period of human life intermediate between the idiocy of infancy and the folly of youth—two removes from the sin of manhood and three from the remorse of age.

10. Circus, n. A place where horses, ponies and elephants are permitted to see men and women and children acting the fool.

11. Congratulation, n. The civility of envy.

12. Dentist, n.

A prestidigitator who, putting metal into your mouth, pulls coins out of your pocket.

13. Destiny, n. A tyrant’s authority for crime and a fool’s excuse for failure

14. Edible, n. Good to eat, and wholesome to digest, as a worm to a toad, a toad to a snake, a snake to a pig, a pig to a man, and a man to a worm.

15. Envelope, n. The coffin of a document; the scabbard of a bill; the husk of a remittance; the bed-gown of a love-letter.

16. Famous, adj. Conspicuously miserable.

17. Future, n. That period of time in which our affairs prosper, our friends are true, and our happiness is assured.

18. Habit, n. A shackle for the free

19. History, n. An account mostly false, of events mostly unimportant, which are brought about by rulers mostly knaves, and soldiers mostly fools.

20. Hope, n. Desire and expectation rolled into one.

21. Imagination, n. A warehouse of facts, with poet and liar in joint ownership.