I am an African-American Woman who is going through the greatest pain of her life and I just need your advice and prayers please.

I was with a Nigerian (Yoruba) man for 8 years(since I was 21 years old-I'm 29 now), had his baby and was really vying for him to marry me(and he promised he would-he "just wasn't ready yet". We lived together, paid bills together, had all our finances together, and I tried so hard to be the rock for this man to lean on when he was missing his 2 children back in Africa and for any other ills that came before him. I embraced his culture as if it was my own-cooked pepper soup and pounded yam, eba, egusi and everything else you can think of. I convinced him to move from NY to Atlanta so he could get his citizenship faster and get greater use out of his HVAC certification-with much protest, he finally agreed. He got his citizenship in less than a year after we got here and I did ALL of the work to get him clients for the HVAC business I helped him start. Last year alone he brought in about $52,000 in the business, and he was only doing it part-time. And to think, he was only a cab driver back in NYC. You know when I found out he was married? March 1st, 2009. You know when his wife and 2 children got here? March 30th, 2009. I was well aware of the possiblity of him bringing his "baby mother"(his words, not mine) here and that we, as a family, would help her get on her feet. I had NO IDEA that he was married to her and planned to leave me for her. His own Mom and sister in Nigeria got on the phone with me constantly and convinced me he wasn't with her, she moved on with her life and got a new man to quell any fears of anything like this happening. Little did I know, his family can't stand his wife, so they were hoping that he would leave her alone and be with me.


He now has an apartment on the other side of town with her and has temporary custody of our daughter. Do you know how difficult it was to tell my 6 year old "Sorry baby, Daddy is married"? I am in so much pain right now! And of course, in typical African/Muslim man fashion, he still says he loves me and wants me, and I was stupid enough to let him visit me on several occasions and sex me since this has all happened-and I may be pregnant. I don't know how to move on. I cry every day. I look out the window and expect him to come home any moment to tell me he made a big mistake and he's coming back home. I am so lonely-I miss my Baba.

And to add insult to injury-we recently got back our tax refund from last year. The IRS audited us, so we only got the 1st half of the money on time. The 1st check was over $2000-he used that to pay for their plane tickets. The 2nd half of the money came 2 weeks ago. He had promised me $1000-after all, he wouldn't have made that money if not for me. When it got here he told me $1000 is too much and he has bills to pay and get the kids clothes, etc. He paid about $200 worth of bills he left behind, gave me $45 to do some maintenance on my car and $20 for the week-and not a dime more.

Just the other day I saw his wife wearing brand-new, expensive, brand-name clothing. I asked him if he really spent my money on her-and all he could say was sorry and promise to pay me back. Here I am with a new job, won't get paid for 2 weeks, need gas money to get to and fro work, and $20. I pray everyday, but I just ask yall-total strangers-to pray for me too. Ask God to give me the stregnth to make it through this without going mad and killing him! I know God doesn't like ugly and karma comes back to you hard-but I am not dealing with my emotions in this very well.

Everybody around me keeps telling me I'm pretty and young and can still find another man but I didn't want another man-I wanted the one I had-he and my daughter was my family and I had planned to be with him for the rest of my natural life. He left me-a well-educated woman who did everything he ever desired plus made him money-for a woman who doesn't speak, read, or write English and can't even get a job in this country? And I found out that they were together for only 6 years back in Nigeria when we have been together for 8. Out of the kindness of my heart, I signed her up for a ESOL Literacy program so she can at least get the skills she needs to get employment-and do you know she refused? This is who he left me for? Help me God,

Just to add to that-he is already reaping what he's sown. Ever since this has happened, most of his friends have stopped talking to him or have bothered him about how he has treated me. You see-I'm not the typical "akata"-his friends actually liked and respected me and a few of them have expressed that they don't care for this "new" woman, lol! He can't even call his family back in Nigeria because they are livid with how he handled things and lied to everyone. And more importantly, even though to this day I pray for his prosperity and success and continue to advertise for him, you know he hasn't received not 1 business call for the season as of yet? Even though it's been hitting upwards of 85 degrees everyday? Karma is a , you know the rest.

I must say your story is really touching      . . .ah some men can be so heartless. . .     

If you did all you said you did above. . .and even extended a kind hand towards his wife. . .then you've got a good heart and you will continue to be blessed in life. . .


My dear wipe your tears because for everything we sow in life we reap. . .this is just the beginning for him. . .just forget the man. . concentrate on other aspects of your life. . .like your job and daughter. . .it won't be long before he comes running back . . .and please do not listen to any more of his lies. . .just erase him completely from your mind. . .praying for you. 

Men! Newayz u r in our prayers.

wow that is a really sad story. sorry to hear that you are hurting and there really is nothing anyone can say that would make you feel better. only time would heal your pain. That man would eventually get whats coming to him.

Stop having sex with him and i hope that you are not pregnant because you dont want to further tie your self to that man. get your child support and find someone who would love you and your child.


By the way how did he get custody what did you do wrong that they gave him custody

Everybody-thank you so much! I really needed all your kind words. @Omega-I gave him custody-not through the courts-on my own volition. He lives the closest to her school, so it's just more convenient for the meantime. Especially because he left me with nothing. Most importantly, my baby is soooo happy about her brother and sister being here and I couldn't take that away from her. It's only until summer break-then we'll decide where to go from there. Plus, she's truly Daddy's little girl-if she doesn't see me for a few days, she fine-but if her dad leaves for 1 day-OMG! You would think her world fell apart, lol,

@Thonia-yes, I welcomed his wife with open arms, apparently he lied to her too. She knew he had a child with me but had no idea we have actively been together for the past 8 years. He told her he moved to Atlanta by himself and I still lived in NYC, (if you're wondering how I got this information-when he came clean about his wife-he found religion and came clean about everything he lied about-at least I think he did.)

babe . . . . . from the depth of my heart i pray that the man that will love you COMPLETELY and will take your child as his own will locate you in JESUS name. Amen.

Please stop having sex with him like Omega said . . . . the sooner you start severing the ties you have emotional with your EX the sooner you start becoming available to the ultimate love of your life.

My heart goes out to you but you have to be strong so you don't make a fool of yourself.

God is good girl. you didn't even have to lift a finger to "get back at him" he is reaping what he sow. I really applaud your patience and your kindness. You love like God loves, unconditonally. We should all strive to be like you. Kindness is what you display toward him, guess who looks like an ass now? Him!
I will be praying for you girl.
God bless.

I know I've been playing myself having sex with him yall. Shoot, he even still has the keys to my house. Had the nerve to say to me the other day "please don't cheat on me". I felt the need to remind him he is openly f_cking another woman who just so happens to be the wife I didn't know about, so if I go out and do me, it wouldn't be called cheating-it would be called moving on. He just is a whole new person to me-I feel like after 8 years, I didn't really know him at all. Never in a million years could someone have told me this would happen and I would have believed them, ya know?

And all my American friends would tell me "Be careful girl, you know them African men be married in their country." And I would always tell them, "Not my Baba", and I meant it. I just told him that he is now perpetuating the stereotype-as if Nigerians needed any more stereotypes, lol!

Look at this yeye woman. You are playing yourself. A nigga as bleeped up as that is pulling mad game on you and you're still spreading toto real wide letting him hit it. Talking about you "felt the need to remind him da da da" .

You need to take a step back. Perhaps a week's worth of break from seeing this dude so that you can organize your thoughts, separate the cute lil feelings in your heart from the reality you currently face, and rationally dissect the matter.

@C2H50H-Thank you for that dose of reality. I have since stopped sleeping with him but since we have a 6 year old daughter together and since I fancy myself a good mother-I cannot go a week without speaking to him because that would mean I'd have to stop speaking to my daughter. Unfortunately, at 6 years old, she doesn't have a cell phone or private line I can call her on, so in order to speak to her I have to go through her father. Since she cannot drive herself to my house, I have to go through her father to get him to bring her to me, or go over to where he stays to pick her up. That's what makes this so hard-that I can't cut off communication with him because of our daughter. Everybody else on here was so cool-what's up with you? Anyways, thanks for the advice-no matter how ill-mannered it was given.

You are in our prayers, God is a just God, but what are you going to do for gas money, and other things you need till payday?

I would say more . . . but I think you are looking for the sorries and pity remarks right now.  They are already coming in batches.  Hope they make you feel better.  At the end of the day just remember that they won't solve your issues until you really do something about 'em. You came here for advice and that is what I am going to try to give you.

that's all.

Be strong and move on.shit like this happens everyday.He's in ur past now.honestly, i've gone out with afric/americans but i've never seen ur type.as a man,i suggest u bury ur past emotions.if i may ask,y must he have access 2 ur home?i mean d keys 2 ur home.

Treetop20:

it pays to be sensitive at times
something terrible has happened to her and she is mourning right now
she needs all the sorry s and all that
she is behaving normal as it is hard to get a grasp on all
that is happening to her now. allow her and when she is ready
to completely move on she will!

I initially thought C2H5OH's comment was harsh, but after reading it again, he is on point. She is not to blame here but the earlier she gets her head out of the clouds, the better.

@C2H50H-Honestly, I was absolutely looking for SOLACE. Looking for people who are unbiased who don't know me to give me their thoughts from a Nigerian point of view, since all my American friends are like "Sorry girl, but we told you so"-Just based on the fact that he's an African man. I don't believe in condemning people by their ethnicity, just the content of their character, so those remarks don't make me find solace but just frankly pi$$ me off. At the end of the day, I have a good paying job, a nice 3 bedroom 2 bathroom HOUSE roof over my head(while he's in a 2 bedroom 2 bathroom tiny apartment with a wife and 1, 2, 3 kids), I just got accepted to the school of my choice to finish out my bachelor's degree yesterday and I just lost 30 pounds and physically feeling great. I just wanted some emotional reconfirmation because I was really stuck in a rut over the father of my child with whom I spent my entire adult life with. PLEASE, I BEG-Excuse me for being human.

And for your information-I really was beginning to feel better-until you came along. Give yourself a big pat on the back.

C2H5OH:

I would say more . . . but I think you are looking for the sorries and pity remarks right now.  They are already coming in batches.  Hope they make you feel better.  At the end of the day just remember that they won't solve your issues until you really do something about 'em. You came here for advice and that is what I am going to try to give you.

that's all.

i quite agree with you here

iyakadijat u r not ready to move on

if that man comes to you right now for sex ,you will lie down and open ur two  legs wide for him

the earlier u become a good role model to your daughter the better for u

What was so insensitive about the comment?
By offering candid advice instead of just following the trend of saying sorry, my post was insensitive?
Just trying to understand.

Poster,
Why are you just finding out he is married.  Had you at any other time asked him if he is or was married to this other woman?

IyaKadijat:

@C2H50H-Honestly, I was absolutely looking for SOLACE. Looking for people who are unbiased who don't know me to give me their thoughts from a Nigerian point of view, since all my American friends are like "Sorry girl, but we told you so"-Just based on the fact that he's an African man. I don't believe in condemning people by their ethnicity, just the content of their character, so those remarks don't make me find solace but just frankly pi$$ me off. At the end of the day, I have a good paying job, a nice 3 bedroom 2 bathroom roof over my head(while he's in a 2 bedroom 2 bathroom tiny apartment with a wife and 1, 2, 3 kids), I just got accepted to the school of my choice to finish out my bachelor's degree yesterday and I just lost 30 pounds and physically feeling great. I just wanted some emotional reconfirmation because I was really stuck in a rut over the father of my child with whom I spent my entire adult life with. PLEASE, I BEG-Excuse me for being human.

And for your information-I really was beginning to feel better-until you came along. Give yourself a big pat on the back.

This is a forum where you are going to get dissenting opinions as well as people agreeing with you. C2%0CH is right, you have to stop sleeping with the guy, collect your house keys back from him and learn to start putting your foot down, amongst other things, otherwise he will keep on walking all over you and continue to play you like a fool.

It is not our intention to rubbish whqt you are going through, we are not being harsh, just being real with you.

Treetop20:

how is she not being a good role model?

did you really have to ask this question

oh the daughter is a kid,all well,when she grows up and find out that her mum not only slept wt a man shes not married to and had her,and is/was still sleeping with this same man even when is wife came over there ,and this same man finished her savings on a man and his deceits and she is still dying to have this same man,and still loves the man dat does not give her penny but rather takes hers and use it good on his wife and. . . . . . . . .  should i go on


if i had such a mother,that isnt ready to become useful to womanhood or to herself,i will strangle her to death

@amebo and C2H50H-yall do realize that it has been less than a month since this all went down? I think I went through the motions properly for what I have endured and I am really trying hard to pick up and move on. I like how amebo jumped on me talking about being a good role model for my daughter and said nothing of the kind of example her father is setting for her. Could this be straight bias because I am an AA woman?

I will never speak bad of her father to her face-I am too much for that. She will grow to see what kind of asshole her father is for herself. In the meantime, I explain every step of the way what is going on to her the best way a 6 year old can understand while still affirming that both her Mommy and Daddy still love her very much. I think that's going above and beyond being a good role model , thank you.

Do not even try to pin this shit on me sister.  

Treetop20:

how is she not being a good role model?

Because she's letting this man tear through her like a useless piece of meat.

You need to get this dude to court.  File for co-parenting rights or something.  Get custody of your child and have him pay child support if you have to.  Some things are beyond forgiveness.  Nigga wasted your life by leading you on for 8 years.

IyaKadijat:

. I like how amebo jumped on me talking about being a good role model for my daughter and said nothing of the kind of example her father is setting for her. Could this be straight bias because I am an AA woman?

There is nothing like being biased

she has a useless father already,the only thing you can do for her is to become useful yourself

you both cant be useless,atleast one person must have the brains to lead that little girl right

@C2H50H-right, I am such a bad role model to my daughter because she was right there when I had a few vulnerable moments in the beginning and had sex with her father. Yup, she was right in the room watching. I am SUCH a TERRIBLE mother-SHAME ON ME.

And contrary to everywhere else he has f_cked up in our lives, he is still a good father. I WILL NOT take him to child support unless that is my final and last resort. What's most important to me is that he is there for his child. He dotes on her, takes her everywhere he goes and loves her with all of his heart. I will not take that away from either him or her, thank you.

Treetop20:

i understand all you have said
and i do understand  that she needs to stop sleeping
with him as well. i reckon this only happened ain't it?
she is then distressed as anyone could imagine. i just
want her to be able to move on when she can and soonest as well

shes not ready to move on,read her last reply

what she wants is sorry,not advice"s" , cos her mind is already made up,so what is she doing here?

iyakadijat you can go home now to your lover,atleast youve gotten d sorries  you want

o da bo

He is not honest and he does not respect you.  And this is so sad because your daughter is involved.

In fact it still amazes me that this mofo has the audacity to tell you not to cheat on him.  You must have taken the whole thing in stride or something, because most women I know would have bashed his balls.  Dude should be curled up in fear.  All that deceit and he still gets to bust a nutt at your expense.  Don't make no sense!

amebo no1.:


There is nothing like being biased

she has a useless father already,the only thing you can do for her is to become useful yourself

you both cant be useless,atleast one person must have the brains to lead that little girl right

I started up an HVAC business on my own, bought a house with the money, got my own job, car and am going back to school to pursue my dreams of owning my own PR business, my daughter is ahead of her class with a 3rd grade reading level and on the honor roll because of the extra homework I give her at home and I have no brains? You're right-I'm real stupid. Wow. I don't know how I ever got along in life.