I’d like to take a moment here and apologize on behalf of all men everywhere, Nigerian and otherwise, for the way we generally like to feel like the leaders of the pack, like we’re the ones who know it all, like you women should be subject to our every whim, caprice and device. We easily forget how mama was the boss at the very beginning while papa was only the featuring act. We forget how when we woo our women, she’s the boss. It is ultimately her decision whether the relationship/engagement/marriage happens or not. We forget that following our initial gra gra, women usually stick around in this dimension called life longer, calling the shots long after their male peers have checked out. Statistically, women live longer than men and I’d like to believe it’s specifically because of your greater bossness.

***

My purpose of writing this letter is not to extol your wonderful virtues, quite the contrary actually. I’m honestly trying to understand something; when you were at your wedding service (for those of you who got married in church), did the pastor pronounce you “Husband and Wife” or “Wizard and Wife?” Are you certain what you want in this life is a companion to share all your joys and sorrows with? Are you certain your desire is a being with a spirit, soul and body or are you really just looking for a spirit? Because I don’t understand how you beautiful women expect us to just magically know when you’re upset, angry, pissed off, on your period and all those random moods that you get into.

***

Sex is not something you give us. Sex is not a gift you bestow upon your faithful servant, your Queenship. Sex is not something we take from you, it’s something we share. It’s a beautiful, magical experience that we BOTH enjoy dammit. Don’t ruin the most beautiful thing God created by giving us attitude like “damn right nigga, you should be happy I gave you some”. Do you know that you can be replaced by fingers?

***

I didn’t realize how destructive your talking was until their leader said “Shebi you are buying your daughter range rover” Before shooting him for not cooperating. Your dad had warned me about the women in your family especially you about your “gift of speech”. I now realize even he had reservations about our relationship based on your ways. You are not an angry woman, you just talk too damn much. It is that mouth that has now brought death and destruction. No more contract no more Range rover, no more daddy.

***

Dear Nigerian women, put yourselves in our shoes. How would you feel if you went home with a brother after beholding a long thing through the outline on the front of his trousers? And upon removal of the boxers, you only behold a prosthetic dick attached to a cigarette stub-like eggplant. Wouldn’t you curse the gods and shrines in your villages? That is the same position you put us in when you accentuate your God-given body parts with fake products and we eventually find out rather disappointingly.

***

It’s funny. I’ve heard you tell your friends about how I changed over the years. The other day, I heard you tell Bisi that I had turned into this incredibly kind, loving, and ambitious guy. I’ve thought long and hard about it, but I don’t remember a time when I wasn’t the guy you described. I just wish you had seen it back when those shoes were all I had. It took me a long time to figure out that having money didn’t make me worthy of your love; it only made you notice that I could be.

http://thenakedconvos.com/announcement-dear-nigerian-women-special/

Dear Nairaland ladies/women,..