chaircover:

Nairaland is a global community and I want us to agree that some things which are acceptable in the western culture are frowned upon in the Nigerian culture and vice versa.

I give an example; In the Uk whoever gets home first starts the cooking but in Nigeria I do not allow my husband anywhere near the kitchen even though he wants to. Another example is all this palaver about owners corner in the car and I've got to sometimes remind myself on which side of the car to sit at the back when our driver drives us.

In England sometimes my daughter struggles for the front seat to sit beside her dad and I sit in the owners corner. . . . No big deal. Yes its two faced but I am not prepared to let anyone start putting sand in my gari causing trouble in a marriage I have invested years in. Two weeks of this wont' kill me & then we go back to our normal life.

I am not talking for every husband/wife relationship however generally speaking the following applies;

In Nigeria a man is not expected to boycott his best friends wedding of only a few hours duration just because his wife may or may not go into labour in his absence. In the western world this will be unheard of infact it is good grounds for divorce wit the husband being accused of unreasonable behaviour. This is understandable because in the Western world each family unit is nuclear and with little or no help from the extended family or neighbours. The woman is on her own.

In Nigeria, there are lots of people close by who will be able to take care of this lady if she does unfortunately go into labour while her husband is in Benin. I am not even sure that husbands are allowed in the labour room these days anyway so he will probably be of no help even if he is there when she does go into labour.

As one poster mentioned, In Nigeria you want to be on the good side of your husbands friends for obvious reasons.Besides no one knows what the groom has sacrificed for his friend over the years.

I wont go as far as saying the wife is emotionally blackmailing her husband but in Nigeria no one lives as an island or "me and my husband only". That is not the culture out there.

thank you sister, thank you

Outstrip:

I don't know why you think it has anything to do with being single or married. I am married and my husband will not do it. It's not that the wife said it was okay. He has said that his wife is as much on his neck to stay as much as the best man. She wants her husband there and you have advised a husband that even though his wife wants him there he should ignore her and go ahead with a friend that does not even have the grace to say "I understand that your wife is pregnant so if you do not show up I will not take it personally". If his wife says it was okay it would be one thing but you are telling a man who feels guilty about leaving his wife in the first place to go ahead and ignore his feeling of guilt and his wife's request to go to a friends wedding. The most outrageous one is even accusing the wife of emotional blackmail.
Which friends are you asking her to keep close. I am 100% sure that the best man is aware that his friends wife wants him by her side. If he knows this don't you think that the gentlemanly thing to do is to back off. I was very emotional when I was pregnant and I even remember having this terrifying fear of being alone for more than two weeks after my boys were born. I would cry for no reason, extra anxious and some times felt like I was honestly going to have a panic attack. It was just my knowledge that it was probably just postpartum blues that helped me pull through it. He is going to do what he is going to do. I do not think the woman should feel bad about saying  need my husband. I do not want to be alone right now. The best man on the other hand is being immature. I wonder if he would leave his new wife if she was in the same situation.

sweetheart sentiments drips from ur post, like someone said leave sentiments out of this

can i ask u a question? if it is an official assignment, that will take the man off his home for 1 month, will u tell him to stay back at home or go? will his wife tell him to go or stay?  yea yea, its an assignment not a wedding, but truthfully answer dis, if it is a burial of one very close relative and he needs to be there , im sure u will tell him to stay back wont u? yea yea family, its family isnt it? now dis brings me to a very good question

do we only do things or sacrifice alot of things to ONLY  important people?

If he is truly your friend he will allow you to be there for your wife. Another man can be his best man but another man can't be there for your wife

I can't even argue. What does you and your daughter sitting in the front sit have to do with anything here. If you sit in the back or the front what difference does it make. Are you not going to get to your destination. Please simply say that it is what you believe is your culture and leave it at that. So you basically telling him that for the sake of eye service he should go to his freinds wedding. It is what would be expected. That is BS. I think I have pretty much said what I believe

@ amebo I have pretty much responded to what you just posted re read my post. As for me my husband and children comes first and I expect nothing less from my husband. There of course is a reason out there that a husband might have to miss his wife's delivery. This situation is not one of them.

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The man shouldnt even think twice about this sitaution. If the friend wants to understand, let him do so and if he doesnt want 2, let him equally do as he wishes but the man needs to be beside the woman. She needs him the most especially emotionally. If am the wife and my husband leave, alot of things will pop into my head. As in, he is capable of satifying someone else 1st b4 me no matter what the condition I am in.

There is a difference that your mother is there and ur husband being there, HUGE DIFFERENCE!!

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chaircover:

I repeat my question



The compromise on both sides should be the husband attending the wedding but on a day trip returning to his wife ASAP after the wedding.

My sentiments.let the man go on the wedding day and come back same day.
BTW,i believe some of us here are mothers,we really dont know the circumstances surrounding the pregnancy and we all know some women can be pretty much _{am sorry to use this word} unnecessarily silly when preggie esp IF its the first one.
Maybe shes been having complications with the pregnancy,Perharps they stay in an enviroment where no-one cares for the next neighbour. . . .so i think the hubby shld also put such things in consideration.
Asssuming its me and it was my first preggie,i wud simply ask him to leave sat. morning and come back same day with last flight or ask my mum or his or anyone close to me to come stay with me.each man to his own anyway.

Outstrip:



@ amebo I have pretty much responded to what you just posted re read my post. As for me my husband and children comes first and I expect nothing less from my husband. There of course is a reason out there that a husband might have to miss his wife's delivery. This situation is not one of them.

thats why i sad we should only sacrifice things for people that are only important to us


anyways back to my qstion, if it was an assignment dat will take him out for 1 month, will she and will u advice him to stay back?

ifyalways:

My sentiments.let the man go on the wedding day and come back same day.
BTW,i believe some of us here are mothers,we really dont know the circumstances surrounding the pregnancy and we all know some women can be pretty much _{am sorry to use this word} unnecessarily silly when preggie esp IF its the first one.
Maybe shes been having complications with the pregnancy,Perharps they stay in an enviroment where no-one cares for the next neighbour. . . .so i think the hubby shld also put such things in consideration.
Asssuming its me and it was my first preggie,i wud simply ask him to leave sat. morning and come back same day with last flight or ask my mum or his or anyone close to me to come stay with me.each man to his own anyway.

thank you, too much sentiments is attached to this thingy silly, dats why i asked if she will allow him go if it is an official assignment

my immediate family comes first after God, but sometimes the immediate family should be fair enough and sacrifice for other people

your husband is ur life, someone dat will stay with u till thy kingdom come, sacrificing a day out of 365 days in the calender for a friend who made your wedding a success by being the best man in ur time, is not too much to ask


she has a family ,someone can come stay with her for just one day

seriously its a one day thingy not a year

haba women, haba

Does your wife's EDD actually fall on that date or you merely exaggerating your dilemma? It's clear you and your best friend are very dear to each other. But it appears both of you still think you're kids in high school going 'Best Friends Forever.' The moment you married your wife the relationship between you and your best friend changed. I very much doubt any married man would leave his pregnant wife to oblige you. Why is your friend being so unreasonable as to want to force your hand, forcing you to choose between your wife and him? He should cherish and respect the relationship you have with him, but he should also respect the one you have with your wife and not see it as something that competes with his. You were his BEST Man. So what? It's not the same thing; he didn't have a pregnant wife at home who might go inot labour while he was gallivanting about with you, he was single. This is your wife and she is expecting your first child and she will be apprehensive of dealing with labour without you. She did not marry members of her family, she married you, and she did not get married to you so she can have a child that belongs to you both,alone. She has every right to want you with her.

Realize you're a MARRIED MAN,and your family comes FIRST.And the sooner your friend realises that too, the better. The decision is yours,but I would listen to some good advice you've already been given; Tell your friend you want to be there,but that he should have a stand-in for you, if your wife goes into labour and you can't make the wedding. If your wife's water doesn't break and she isn't in the labour on the day of the wddin get to Benin very early and be there for your friend. Be ready to leave if your wife calls that she's in labour. Otherwise,be the Best Man,but return same day.

Your entire family is involved here.You have ur wife and unborn child here and ur talking of your friend.Do u want to be an irresponsible father?When has one being ur bestman become a debt that must be paid?Why is he insisting on ur presence or does he want to arrange u?
He is indirectly telling the wife to be that he can abandon her in any condition. Please young man stay with your wife.

All of u saying that this man should leave his wife for his friend's wedding,if there is any emergency during labour will u all be there to attend to it.He who wears the shoes knows where it pinches.

im actually disappointed with d women who said the husband should disregard the wife nd go for the wedding. having gone thru labour pain i know what difference it makes when the hubby is there, wat if its her first time in labour, she needs the encouragement of her hubby for her the push d baby out and wat if there was complications and they needed the man to sign papers urgently? i bet most women on this panel would raise hell if they were to be in this situatn.

@ poster im sure u re a matured guy pls act like and u common sense that God gave u.

@ amebo 1 ' u talk too much and i dont agree with ya views anyway ur name suits u

sweetbee:

im actually disappointed with d women who said the husband should disregard the wife nd go for the wedding. having gone thru labour pain i know what difference it makes when the hubby is there,  wat if its her first time in labour, she needs the encouragement of her hubby for her the push d baby out and wat if there was complications and they needed the man to sign papers urgently? i bet most women on this panel would raise hell if they were to be in this situatn.                                                       

forget emotions and sentiments for 1 minute and try read  ms yaba right or left, chaircover and ify's write-up on this again.  this lady need more than her husband to run a happy marriage.

sweetbee:

@ poster  im sure u re a matured guy pls act like and u common sense that God gave u.

@ amebo 1 ' u talk too much and i dont agree with ya views anyway your name suits u

  dont get personal with this.  she is not an in law here she is only talking for the sane minority. this is a public forum we cant all posibly agree on everything.  try not take somethings here personal. chaircover is one of the safest sensible woman on NL when you see amebo and her singing from the same hymn sheet you better join the choir unless you want to remain the same.  changing our mind set is a very difficult thing to do but change you must unless you like the results you are getting at the moment.

chaircover:

I repeat my question

How did our mothers and grandmothers cope?

How do all those women whose husbands are in military service, widows and other women in varius other circumstances cope without their husbands at their bedside when they go into labour? Lets spare a thought for single 16 & 17 year olds etc who find them selves on thier own after a teenage pregnancy? What about women who were raped and dont know the father of their babies?

Ideally a woman will want her husband at the birth but if he cant make it is it the end of the world?

It works both ways and their should be compromise by both parties; not one happy wife and one resentful husband especially if the wife doesnt eventually deliver on the wedding day.

The compromise on both sides should be the husband attending the wedding but on a day trip returning to his wife ASAP after the wedding.

,amebo no1:

thats why i sad we should only sacrifice things for people that are only important to us


anyways back to my qstion, if it was an assignment dat will take him out for 1 month, will she and will u advice him to stay back?

thank you, too much sentiments is attached to this thingy silly, dats why i asked if she will allow him go if it is an official assignment

my immediate family comes first after God, but sometimes the immediate family should be fair enough and sacrifice for other people

your husband is your life, someone dat will stay with u till thy kingdom come, sacrificing a day out of 365 days in the calender for a friend who made your wedding a success by being the best man in your time, is not too much to ask


she has a family ,someone can come stay with her for just one day

seriously its a one day thingy not a year

haba women, haba

madam jenny, you cant help yourself when you know you are right can you? some people brew trouble and put their head first in it.

@ Gew' im entitled to my opinion

sweetbee:

@ Gew' im entitled to my opinion

nice one. why do you think jenny is not entitked to her views?

sweetbee:

@ poster im sure u re a matured guy pls act like and u common sense that God gave u.

@ amebo 1 ' u talk too much and i dont agree with ya views anyway your name suits u

My dear, if your friend is a good friend, then he should understand that you need to be there for your wife. Your wife should be your first priority and also that is your child in your wife's womb, so imagine while you there standing for your bestfriend's wedding, and your wife gives birth to your new born baby and your not there how will your child feel when he/she grows up and find out?, your wife needs your assisstance more than your so called friend, friend comes and goes, but a good supportive woman (wife) comes only ones in a life time.

My friend insists that i remain his best man no matter what.

If I were you, the above is the reason why I'd choose to stay with my wife. I am rather uneasy about the fact that your friend is insistent.

@ Gew; madam y re u pickn on me na, are u advocating for amebo 1

heartcry:

Thank you all that contributed. My wife delivered a baby boy safely 2 days before the wedding. Though there was complication. My advice to men who find themselves in this same situation is STAY BY YOUR WIFE, STICK IT OUT WITH HER TILL THE END. I called my friend on the day of her delivery and i was disappointed at what he told me. He said it doesn't matter that i still have to go with him. He was simply INCONSIDERATE!

Congrats I am glad she has put to bed at least you were there for her. I like your highligted part well said

I hope she has fully recovered from the complication. Thank God you were there

WHERE ARE ALL THE AMEBO NO1'S,IFYALWAYS AND CHAIRCOVERS.HOPE U GUYS READ THE POSTERS REPLY.''UNCARING LOTS"

10 weeks b4 my due date is vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvery late to me.il rather tie him once i conceive.i dont have time to argue with u(best frend's relative)