Time Limit: 3 WKS

Name: _____________________________

1. What language is spoken in France?

2. what is the capital of AMERICA     ______________

3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to
___ (a) build a bridge
___ (b) sail the ocean
___ (c) lead an army or
___ (d) WRITE A PLAY

4. What religion is the Pope?
___ (a) Jewish
___ (b) Catholic
___ (c) Hindu
___ (d) Polish
___ (e) Agnostic
(check only one)

5. Metric conversion. How many feet is 0.0 meters?

6. What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand
is on the 5?

7. How many commandments was Moses given? (approximately)

8. What are people in America's far north called?
___ (a) Westerners
___ (b) Southerners
___ (c) Northerners

9. Spell: Bush, Carter, and Clinton
Bush: ____________________________________________
Carter: __________________________________________
Clinton: __________________________________________

10. Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being
George the Sixth. Name the previous five:

11. Where does rain come from?
___ (a) Macy's
___ (b) a 7-11
___ (c) Canada
___ (d) the sky

12. Can you explain Einstein's Theory of Relativity?
___ (a) yes
___ (b) no

13. What are coat hangers used for?

14. The Star Spangled Banner is the National Anthem for what country?

15. Explain Le Chateliers Principle of Dynamic Equilibrium -OR- spell
your name in BLOCK LETTERS.

16. Where is the basement in a three story building located?

17. Which part of America produces the most oranges?
___ (a) New York
___ (b) Florida
___ (c) Canada
___ (d) Wisconsin

18. Advanced math. If you have three apples, how many apples do you
have?

19. What does NBC (National Broadcasting Corp.) stand for?

20. how do people get to USA?
___ (a)train
___ (b)bus
___(C)plane

21.WHO IS THE CURRENT PRESIDENT OF USA __________
(A)--------bush
(b)_____forest
(C)_____grass

22.what ae tennis rackets used for?

* You must correctly answer three or more questions to qualify.

A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer
during a felony trial,
_______________________________________________________________________-
Q. Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?

A. No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the
description of the offender running several blocks away.

Q. Officer, who provided this description?

A. The officer who responded to the scene.

Q. A fellow officer provided the description of this
so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?

A. Yes sir, with my life.

Q. WITH YOUR LIFE? Let me ask you this then officer, do you
have a locker room in the police station , a room where you
change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?

A. Yes sir, we do.

Q. And do you have a locker in that room?

A. Yes sir, I do.

Q. And do you have a lock on your locker?

A. Yes sir.

Q. Now why is it, officer, IF YOU TRUST YOUR FELLOW OFFICERS
WITH YOUR LIFE, that you find it necessary to lock your
locker in a room you share with those officers?

A. You see sir, we share the building with a court complex,
and sometimes defense LAWYERS have been known to walk
through that room.
------------------------------
LAWYERS,NOBODY TRUSTS THEM

Dey dnt wnt d trust. Dia profesn is about prove, evn if its wrong.

aint you guys supposed to answer the damn questions

what is the capital of usa, abuja

Q:what religion is the pope?
A:POPELIC.

7. How many commandments was Moses given? (approximately)


Moses was given 1 commandment: go to egypt and free my pple

These are actual excuse notes teachers have received, spelling mistakes included. ---------------
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.

Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.

Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.

Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.

Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.

Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.

Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.

Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.

Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.

Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak.

Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.

Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.

I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wear.

Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.

Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.

My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.

Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.

Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.

Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.

"Hey, Mom," asked Johnny "can you give me twenty dollars?"

"Certainly not."

"If you do," he went on, "I'll tell you what dad said to the maid when you were at the beauty shop."

His mother's ears perked up and, grabbing her purse, she handed over the money. "Well? What did he say?"

"He said, 'Hey, Marie, make sure you wash my socks tomorrow.' "

A blonde buys a ticket and wins the lottery. He goes to lottery headquarters to claim it and the man verifies his ticket number. The blonde says, "I want my $20 million." The man replied, "No, sorry lady. It doesn't work that way. We give you a million today and then you'll get the rest spread out for the next 19 years." The blonde said, "Oh, no. I want all my money right now! I won it and I want it." Again, the man explain that he would only get a million that day and the rest during the next 19 years. The blonde, furious with the man, screams out, "Look, I want my money! If you're not going to give me my $20 million right now, then I want my 5 dollarS back!"

No wonder they call them dumb blondes!he-he-he-

the blonde guy must b a super dullard to want his 5dollas back

A young IGBO man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love
and going to get married. He says, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going
to bring over three women and you try and guess which one I'm
going to marry."
The mother agrees. The next day, he brings three beautiful women
into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for
a while.
He then says,"Okay, Ma. Guess which one I'm going to marry."
She immediately replies, "The red-head in the middle."
"That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did you know?"
"Because I don't like her."=
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
We could never learn to be brave and patient if there were only joy in the world.

Christino stormed up to the front desk of the library and said, "I have a complaint!"

"Yes, man?" said the librarian looking up at him.

"I borrowed a book last week and it was horrible!"

Puzzled by his complain the librarian asked "What was wrong with it?"

"It had way too many names and numbers there was no plot whatsoever!" said the TINO.

The librarian nodded and said, "Ahhh. So you must be the person who took our phone book."

you guys are so so so so so hilarious

I wanted a perfect ending. Now I've learned, the hard way, that some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next. Delicious Ambiguity.
-----------sam milla

A gent spots a nice looking girl in a bar goes up and starts small talk. Seeing that she didn't back off he asked her name.

"Carmen," she replied.

That's a nice name," he said warming up the conversation,

"Who named you, your mother?"

"No, I named myself, she answered.

"Oh, that's interesting. Why Carmen?"

"Because I like cars, and I like men," she said looking directly into his eyes. "So what's your name?" she asked.

"Beersex."

*************************

Little Johnny was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another. After the sixth one a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, make you fat."


Little Johnny replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."
The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"
Little Johnny answered, "No, he minded his own business!"

Little Johnny sees his grandfather smoking and asks if can he try. The old man says "can you touch your ass with your dick yet?" "No" says johnny. "Then you can't have one" says his grandad.

Then the old geezer is drinking alcohol. Johnny asks can he have some. But he can't as he couldn't touch his ass with his dick yet. Later Johnny is eating cookies and his grandfather asks can he have some. Johnny asks,"Can you touch your ass with your dick yet?" Why of course I can replies the grandfather. Johnny quickly replied "THEN GO F**K YOURSELF!"

Johnny was in the playground with his friend Jimmy, when he noticed the brand new shiny watch Jimmy was wearing.

"Did you get that for your birthday?" he asked. "Nope," Jimmy replied. "Well did you get it for Christmas then?" Johnny asked. "Nope."

"You didn't steal it, did you?" "No," said Jimmy. "I went into Mom and Dad's bedroom the other night when they 'doing the nasty'.

Dad gave me his watch to get rid of me. Johnny was extremely impressed with this idea, and extremely jealous of Jimmy's new watch.

He vowed to get one for himself. That night he waited outside his parents' room until he heard the unmistakable noises of lovemaking.

Johnny swung the door wide open and boldly strode into the bedroom. His father, caught in mid stroke, turned and asked him angrily; "What do you want now?"

"I wanna watch," Johnny replied. Without missing a stroke, his father said, "Fine. Stand in the corner and keep quiet, then."
=========================================================
Son, always tell the truth. Then you'll never have to remember what you said the last time.

haha haah aha haa hah aha aha aha hah.

so funny!

do u really think about this jokes urself or wat?

yeah sure i do, wanna join me

-----------------------
Anyone who proposes to do good must not expect people to roll stones out of his way, but must accept his lot calmly if they even roll a few more upon it, milla

Two accountants are in a bank, when armed robbers burst in. While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers, including the accountants, up against a wall, and proceed to take their wallets, watches, etc. While this is going on accountant number one jams something in accountant number two's hand. Without looking down, accountant number two whispers, "What is this?" to which accountant number one replies, "it's that 5000 NAIRA I owe you."

MEN ARE LIKE

, Placemats.
They only show up when there's food on the table.

, Mascara.
They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

, Bike helmets.
They're good in emergencies but usually just look silly.

, Government bonds.
They take so long to mature.

, Copiers.
You need them in reproduction but that's about it.

, Lava lamps.
Fun to look at it but not all that bright.

, Bank accounts.
Without a lot of money they don't generate a lot of interest.

, High heels.
They're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.

, Curling irons.
They're always hot and always in your hair.

, Mini skirts.
If your not careful they'll creep up your legs.

, Handguns.
Keep one around long enough and your gonna want to shoot it.

, Floor tiles.
Lay them right the first time and you can walk on them for a lifetime.

, Parking spots.
The good ones are taken, and the rest are too small.

, Bananas.
The older they get, the less firm they are

Two bored casino dealers were waiting at a craps table. A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet twenty thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice.

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude".

With that she stripped from her neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Mama needs new clothes!"

Then she hollered "YES! YES! I WON! I WON!"

She jumped up and down and hugged each of the dealers. With that she picked up all the money and clothes and quickly departed. The dealers just stared at
each other dumbfounded.

Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"

The other answered, "I thought YOU were watching!"

Moral: Not all blondes are dumb, but most men are gullible.

sososo niiiiiiiice.keep it up.

A first time police officer was out for his first ride in a cruiser with an experienced partner. A call came in telling them to disperse some people who were loitering.

The officers drove to the street and observed a small crowd standing on a corner.

The rookie rolled down his window and said, "Let's get off the corner people."

A few glances, but no one moved, so he barked again, "Let's get off that corner, NOW!"

Intimidated, the group of people began to leave, casting puzzled stares in his direction.

Proud of his first official act, the young policeman turned to his partner and asked, "Well, how did I do?"

Pretty good," chuckled the vet, "especially since this is a bus stop."