Outstrip:

I think your wife needs to get counselling on her own. Not with you. There is something there that makes her not want to be close or intimate with people. If you guys can afford it then I think she should see a therapist on her own and then you guys can do it together. From you description of the issues she is not a bad person just that she is not approachable and that can kill any relationship. People are not born like that. Something ought to have happened that makes her not trust people. Is she a middle child?

Feelitx:

What is the point staying in a marriage where there is no communication? You could try seeking help from anyone she respects.

walestar:

May God have mercy, maybe she is the born again type. my uncle experienced same problem with his wife and both have divorced each other now. like one of the lady in nairaland said, Courtship is important and the foundation of your relationship have affected the future

Builder:

Why are you folks blaming the wife. Ya'll making it look as if the she is some kind of demon, obviously before the wife can turn that cold, the dude must have done something stupid or completely misunderstood the babe. Prolly the dude is boring, or over-controlling,  this is a new century and women are standing up for themselves, if she isnt happy in the relationship she has evey right to jump ship. Simple.

vostel:

I believe Earthy gave you the best advice so far.  In addition to his/her advice, I would suggest the following:

I watched a movie called Fireproof a few months ago. it is a christian movie on marriages -- if you can get your hands on it, i reccommend watching it.  The movie is certainly NOT based on an african marriage, but I think the ideas in the movie are cross cultural.

Here is my advice (some of which came from the movie), everyday for the next month or so, do something unexpectedly romantic for her and say nothing negative to her.  Even she is povoking you, just walk away or hold your tongue.  This is easier said than done, but God will give you grace.

Stop talking to her about what is wrong with the marriage (for now).  You said you already tried doing that and it has not worked.  So do not keep talking-- if she is not responding, then it is a waste of effort at this point.   Rather, just start showing her you love her very much by doing unexpectedly romantic things for her.  For example, you may send her flowers, maybe leave her love notes, maybe call her during the day at work to say you love her, etc.  And when you do these things, do them wholeheartedly.  So, for example, do not send her a cheap bunch of flowers o!  it won't help. Send her the vey best you can afford so that she can see that you have put some effort into it.  Other ideas include making her dinner, maybe helping out with household chores to give her a treat.

This is very difficult to do because she may not respond to some or even most of your actions, she may straight up reject your efforts, or worse, she may mock you for trying to things differently.  But do not expect a reward or even acceptance from her.  Rather, PRAYERFULLY do these things. Make sure your efforts are firmly backed up by prayer. PRAY PRAY PRAY and PRAY again.  

If you have a good christian male friend (preferably someone older that you trust), you may confide in him and ask for his advice as well.  But, if you want to save your marriage, God has to be the center of the relationship. Otherwise, all the trying you are doing is in vain. from what you have described, your wife has likely fallen out of love with you and her heart is not in the relationship.  Only God can make the difference at this point.  But don't just pray and fold your ams.  Be proactive and ask God that the little effort you are making will be sufficient.

luxoire:

even if the guy annoyed her - does that mean she should clam up? how is he supposed to know he has offended her and ask for her forgiveness - how is he supposed to make it better and make it up to her if she won't talk to him?

to me it seems this guy is at a dead end!!

IF SHE WON'T TALK TO YOU, I SUGGEST YOU MAKE HER TALK - HOw? do the things she doesnt want you to do? open her mail, answer her phone - not because you don't trust her, but just to get some sort fo reaction form her - bottom line, you too start making life a bit difficult for her, it seems till now you have danced to her tune - about time you disturb the status quo - now i am one of those ppl who thinks couples should respect each other's privacy. however, it shouldnt be a taboo! open her mail, that will make her angry and usually when ppl get angry, they lash out and start saying things they REALLY mean, then everything will be out in the open.

All you need to do is get past this brick wall - pray about it. But if she can open up and say she is tired and wants out, then you know where you stand. the most frustrating part i think, is not knowing where you stand and whether or not she is even willing to make things work anymore.

No worry mydear, God dey! - just pray for a break through - and i am sure you have learnt and will pass on to your kids and firends the importance of dating / knowing someone fully before committing the rest of your life to them

switosman:

Hello I hope to get to read what I am about to say to you.


1. ur wife is the obstinate type, though a christian by your summation but too stubborn to see issues from others point of view. such dont pose a problem to a man that knows what to do or handle them. from the content of ur writeup, I can see u lack some knowledge of ur wife's psychology. meaning u dont know her at all. my bible say deal with her according to understanding; there are issues about ur wife she will always wonder how to get to know about it. u know her to the extent that every move of her is not strange to u. u predict her not her predicting u.

2. if any body shld be evasive it shld be you. this is an impt ingredient of leadership.


my advice.
if u dont have patient then u have to learn. 1. to be patient, 2. to observant, 3. to make notes of ur observation, 4. to be transparent but keep things to urself, 5. to respect her space.

after all these: then in a loving and caring voice, over time keep telling to change on those issue u want her to change but u most list the benefits of such change.

device a lot of things u do for her that u know she likes/ loves, not things u think she will like.
do those things to the level she gets used them.
then when u have proved she always want those thing then withdraw from doing those things as a punishment anytime but still get back to them. [size=14pt]sorry sir, this is a subtle form of wiitchcraft in my book. this is manipulation. the guy is not looking for suggestions on how to punish or be cruel to his wife. he is a christian. christian men dont purnish their wives.
oga dont do any form of punishment. dont sow any seed you dont want to reap i beg. it is always good to be wrong in the sight of men and right in the sight of God. no matter what she has done, you are not permitted to punish her let God be the judge. th ebible be angry but DO NOT SIN.[/size]

buy books on child and women psychology. it will help u, why because u may not be able to convince her to visit a psychologist so u be one.

JJYOU:

thanks for being a great human being. i like your type of maturity.

JJYOU:

this is why i call most of the God users .  from my observation the more religious the nigerian person is the more you need thread carefully. sadly england doesnt help support nigerian marriages.
not even deeper life people have safe marriages in this part of the world.  religion is supposed to help people i dont know how we manage to use religion to commit and deceive people into business and relationships.

i dont have my crystal balls out today but this looks heading the 1 way street.  

oga, if you can get her into relate counselling if that fails pray and seek counselling for yourself then wait for whatever happens.  i dont know why people who are not prepared to marry go into it and bring kids into it too.  your post is one reason most people use the phrase marry a nigerian woman at your peril.  i dont know what to say other than tell this guy to take heart and learn his lessons.  as said dont think it would be easy. go get yourself a smart lawyer preferably a female because they are best at squeezing a better deal for you. also get advice on reducing your equity and exposure on the properties too.

hope you learn your lesson and dont let the scarf wearing brigade deceive you into another relationship so soon. if you can avoid nigerian and ghanaian women like plagues especially if you are in this part of the world.  they are more prone to this kind of absurd behaviour.

while you do that dont fool yourself into not opening every letter you come across. what you know should not be capable of harming you.

Hey Mr! You see, I am not here to challenge you on this your view, no.  Rather to find out what makes you think your own advise to this gentleman is Godly and worthy?

You see, you are hear advising him on how to squirrel away community NUTS i.e. Assets/shares/monies that belongs to him and his wife so that, his wife is deprived of her own share.  Is that right? Only in your own eyes.   You fail to REALISING WHERE IN THE WORLD THIS COUPLE ARE LIVING. DO YOU THINK THEY LIVE IN THE 3RD WORLD? Didn't it occur to you, he married a smart woman and that before this even began, the wife had already done her HOME WORK AND ITS PERFECT? Where on earth would he squirrel away these Assets/monies or any kind of investments this lady and her solicitors hadn't already burrowed in.  Abi, na Ariaria or Ajegunle markets you mean here or rather, this Western world you are talking about?  What do you think women are?  Fools  Maybe, the ones you go out with.  You have to understand that this marriage has irretrievably broken down hence the wife living her own life and wanting the man to take the bull by the horn to end it so that, both can be free.  Because, they live in the same house does not mean they are a couple as they no longer behave as one. Often she travels abroad without telling her husband and still comes back to the same house without any explanations.  How can you call this marriage?  Can’t that tell you this lady has done her home work thoroughly and ready for the next step.  SHE JUST WANT OUT, OK!!! And no amount of counselling or prayer could change a woman’s  heart when she’d completely made up her mind to end her marriage because, no one else, is living her life in that marriage except herself/husband. 

Instead of you to tell this brother to be fair when it comes to the crunch, you are advising him the opposite, right?  To find a way to cheat his wife off what she worked for and contributed to. I hope, someone in your own life treats you that way then, you would know what it is like because, ‘WHAT GOES ROUND, COMES ROUND 3 TIME AND OVER’.

To start with, they both came to this country together and worked hard for what they have and now, you are advising him to deprive her of her own share simply because she does not agree with his GOVERNMENT any more – whatever that is, abi?  It's all too easy for a man to walk away from his marriage leaving behind his children and into the arms of another daughter of EVE without any questions.  However, when a woman does the same, the world tumbles upside down as you are all up in arms against her, why? Other than the double standards we all know about. What's good for the geese is good for the gander, too!  She worked hard and contributed to the community funds therefore, quite entitled to her own HALF OF EVERYTHING, PERIOD. 

It doesn’t sound good but, that’s the reality we live in today.  Thank God for the change in law that put a stop (to a degree) to all these unfairness men had always perpetrated on women for so long.  For people who hadn’t been here long, they don’t know or understand and for that, I say please ask questions than jumping the band wagon.  The law was changed to give women their rights in marriage. 
If it hadn’t changed, women would still be marginalized by people like you as it has always been.  Some Black men still think they are still operating in Africa particularly, Nigerian men. Well, their experiences in the West, thank God, have subdued some of them as they don’t know what hit them. 
In order to hold on to their archaic evil ways they use religion to manipulate their way through e.g. using the Bible to making women feel guilty about issues important to them.  They quote and quote chapters in the Bible to make you feel bad:  God said this and that about that. Yea!! God said these things only to women and not to men, huh!!!   


For those who haven’t been here long and ignorant of the facts that let to this change in law, let me open your eyes a little bit.  This is one reason.  In the 80’s and early 1990’s Family Law was changed to take into account women’s contributions in marriage.   Cases were rampant about men divorcing their wives of many years without leaving them a DIME for old age – PENSIONS.  Some of those unfortunate women left work at a younger age to help raise their families whilst supporting their husbands endeavours for the sake of the family thus, had no income of their own but fully dependent on their husbands.  Now, at old age, who would hire them for work, YOU.  Now, these women are older, near retirement and children have all fled the nests suddenly, the husbands realized they now need NEW AND YOUNGER MODELS.  What did they do?  Most eloped with these young women together with the entire family funds to have a good life in the CARRIBEANS without their legitimate wives thus, deprived the poor older women of what she worked for all her life.  Now, tell me this is how fair men’s justice should be, isn’t it? If this had happened to one of your sisters, I wish you'd be happy. In fact, 2 – 5 years ago similar cases presented themselves only that we have in place laws that quashed them.  I wish Africa have laws that respect their women, the brodas would have learnt how to respect us.

In these cases it was the men who left the marriages and in the process, took the entire family funds/investments with them, why? Because, they are they ‘MEN’ and they can. Well, I thank one of the ladies  for taking the bull by the horn and brought awareness.  In anger, she happened to cut off the right SLEEVES of her husbands 100 or more designer suits in order to bring the awareness of women sufferings/plights in marriage and eventually made it into the law we know and enjoy today else, sons of ADAM would have continued in their WICKED WAYS.  WE LOVE YOU MAAM!!! 

Right, back to the issue. Is it compulsory that one should marry?? Is it by force that a man/woman should remain in a marriage they both are not happy? It's about time some Black men should learn their lessons and learn how to respect their women.  You are not respecting an African woman by making this WICKED/EVIL SUGGESTIONS about money here.  It seems to me like, you are trying to say, if a woman does not allow her husband to control her she does not deserve any good thing from her marriage.  Well, to that I say 'BUNKUM'. She DESERVES EVERYTHING SHE PUT IN IT, AND MORE, !!  If you don’t want a man/woman in your life please, leave but give them what belongs to them than cheating them off their hard work, that’s evil.  A woman is a person, an individual with her own rights.  She does not have to get her rights through her husband because, he has his – in other words, they are both EQUALS and that’s why you are so antagonistic about women’s rights – well, your problems, not ours.

I could hear some people on here saying, I don't blame this woman because he brought her to Europe, if he hadn’t this wouldn’t have happened.  To that I say, nonsense!  It's like saying, if he hadn't married her, no other man in this world would have, is it?  So, if he hadn't married her and brought her to Europe, no other guy would have married her and give her the WORLD, isn't it?  CRAP!!  And for all you black ladies out there, demand your rights in any relationships you find yourself in, and get it. It’s about time our men should learn how to treat and respect us. You've got the POWER, use it after all, we don't need men, men need us more than we need them and that's YOUR POWER to demand and get that respect. 

Marriage breakup is a very sad situation, no matter what! But it is nothing new!  Marriages have been failing even in the Biblical days and the world did not cave in because of it.  People lived their lives without much stress then today, its different therefore, when a marriage fails, you go your separate ways in a civil fashion.  After all, you weren’t born twins and its not the end of the world, is it? Just try to be civil for the sake of your love ones particularly, your children and not to kill each other because of money and, that's wrong.

itumama:

I think i learnt a big lesson in your story dat its mandatory to court before leaping into marriage cos assuming you ve done this earlier you wont have dis problem you are encountering now.Moreso you cant even explain her likes and her dislikes cos you are not familiar wit her from the onset en you dont even know any of her friend to ask d kind of person who she is,you got little news from yr friend about her en you concluded she is the best for you.Where is your friend now to bring antidote to the problem you are having nowNway wats has happened has happen all you need to do is wake her up at night ask her where you ve gone wrong en wats the reason for all her action cos i dont think she can just act like dat witout no reason.i pray you get a positive answer from her cos you can continue living hostile.All the best man.