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A Letter To My Future Husband: Suicide, No Murder by Mamywatobi(f): 7:30am On Jan 04, 2016 |
Dear Future Husband,
There is something about me you must
never forget: I am not in any way
irresponsible. As a daughter, my
parents never worried when they left
me alone with my younger siblings. As
a girl, the windows were never dusty,
dirty plates did not sit in the kitchen till
the next meal and I didn’t burn my
chicken or plantain. As a student, I
never blamed a C grade on the lecturer
without asking myself if I truly
deserved it. As a graduate, I never
blamed my unemployment on the
economy knowing that same economy
had royalties who were not so by
blood. As a friend, I don’t transfer the
blame for any quarrel without humbly
accepting my own fault in it. As a lady, I
make my own money, spend on well-
defined priorities and never wake up in
a random man’s room at noon
hungover.
And so you will see, dear husband, that
I am very meticulous and do well to
take responsibility for my actions and
inactions. You may not have sensed
that tinge of an extremist but I am very
sorry to inform you that I fear that I
could be, not always, mind you, an
extremist and it is that extremist me I
write to explain to you.
I will go out of my way to please you. I
could become a partner when you
need a helpmate, a nanny for a
mother, a loyalist for a friend, a
servant for a housewife, a LovePeddler for a
lover. I could choke you with the love I
have harboured in my heart for years
(even without knowing you) but be rest
assured that I would always give you
mouth-to-mouth kisses to resuscitate
you if you be overwhelmed. I would be
such a good wife that even hell will
attest I deserve a good husband. A
good husband…that would only be fair.
I do not demand you be an extremist
husband. Oh no. Just be a good
husband. Simple. In case you think
“good husband” too ambiguous a
description, do consider the following
illustration. You can get angry and yap
and yell at me – I’m human, not perfect
– but never you raise a finger to hit me.
We can go to the zoo or game reserves
as much as you please to see wild
animals but we don’t need one at
home. You can chivalrously
compliment beautiful ladies – I don’t
kid myself to be Miss World – but don’t
you ever, in the slightest way, defy our
conjugal bond. You can raise our
children with laws and acts or even
flexible decrees you deem fit – they’ll
be yours as they’ll be mine – but never
let the devil put ideas of any form of
harassment in your nice big head. You
can have your carefully chosen flaws –
“My angel” is your pet name but your
nature is still human – but, I pray you,
choose them well. There are many
hazards of a bad husband but I hope
these ones mentioned illustrate a
perfect picture.
The thing is, dearest husband, if you do
any of those things I pray and have
begged against, the responsible me
would weep in search of my fault in it.
Should she find none (as is likely), my
extremist alter ego will respond
promptly. On a good day, she will put
an ingredient in your tea that will make
you sleep deeply for her to carry you to
our matrimonial bed. By the time you
wake, you will be so weak that even
your loudest scream would be no more
audible than the faintest whisper.
Because she is my alter ego, I cannot
say what would happen after you wake.
What I can say is she will not fail to
teach you that there are certain
punishments worse than death. I hope
it never comes to that. I deeply pray it
doesn’t come to that. But if you ever
see my alter ego and her extremism
hastens your death, then it means you
were all at once blind, dumb and deaf
to this prayerful letter. Such death, my
dearest, cannot be termed murder but
suicide.
With love,
“
Your Future Wife. |
Re: A Letter To My Future Husband: Suicide, No Murder by madridguy(m): 7:34am On Jan 04, 2016 |
When dey send you PM now una go dey do yanga. Be on standby your future husband will locate you soon. |
Re: A Letter To My Future Husband: Suicide, No Murder by Monalisa185(f): 7:36am On Jan 04, 2016 |
lol...the guy above seems pained....why? |
Re: A Letter To My Future Husband: Suicide, No Murder by ULSHERLAN(m): 8:02am On Jan 04, 2016 |
Nice write up. We all deserve the best |
Re: A Letter To My Future Husband: Suicide, No Murder by Mamywatobi(f): 9:25am On Jan 04, 2016 |
ULSHERLAN:thanks |
(1) (Reply)
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