1, After hearing that a lunatic in a mental hospital had saved another from a suicide attempt by pulling him out of a bathtub, the hospital director summoned the rescuer to his office.
"looking from ure file and taking into account ure heroic behaviour, i am confident that u are ready to be allowed home. I am only sorry that the man u saved later killed himself with a rope around the neck."
Oh no, said the rescuer. He didn't kill himself. I hung him up to dry.

2, An inmate in an asylum proclaimed loudly. " I am Napoleon"
How do you know? asked a fellow inmate.
God told me.
A voice from another room shouted. I did not.

yea good attempt lol