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Nairaland Forum / Entertainment / TV/Movies / Swing And A Miss: Spectre (2649 Views)
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Swing And A Miss: Spectre by severee(m): 5:15pm On Jan 23, 2016 |
dedicated to skyfall: AFTER SEEING THIS MOVIE I THINK I OWE YOU AN APOLOGY ![]() narrator the movie opens in mexico city as the mexicans celebrate the day of the dead in grand style, we then spot a dude in a mask and a white suit walk past another guy whose in a full skeleton suit, ignoring a gorgeous latina lady and eye-ing the other guys butt? ![]() daniel craig ![]() audience Phew! For a moment we thought you were checking alessandro out narrator daniel and Stephanie Sigman are followed around in a brilliant and unnecessary 1 shot which ends up in a hotel room Stephanie Sigman Hmmm so you've disrobed into a british assassin suit armed with a snipers long range rifle, i guess i should ask why you have these but being a b*tch in a james bond movie i guess the only question to ask is "where are you going"? daniel craig And i guess i should stutter and make up some lie to justify my situation but hey it's a bond movie so SHUT UP AND STAY IN BED YOU C*NT(climbs out the window) narrator next we see daniel listening in on a conversation between alessandro and two other guys in a hotel room directly across his hotel in the full glare of a procession Alessandro Cremona Ha upon walking into the room let's blatantly start talking about illegal activities just incase a british secret agent is eaves dropping on our conversation other dudes Yea. bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb now let's toast to BOMB!! daniel craig ![]() ![]() mexicans Hmmm did someone hear that loud bang followed by what sounds like a building crashing on 100s of mexican people? No? Oh well let's keep going Alessandro Cremona (Running) ![]() daniel craig Sh*t time for an exciting parkour chase scene sam mendes Ahem! You do know i'm directing this franchise right back to the 60s right? So i have a better idea, SILLY HELICOPTER FIGHT! narrator an evil helicopter lands in a square which catches everyones attention for some reason, and an unarmed alessandro is hurriedly picked up by an unarmed bodyguard so he can flee from an equally unarmed daniel craig daniel craig/Alessandro Cremona/bodyguard Why didn't non of us think to bring no guns? narrator daniel craig whacks the bodyguard with a staff which he proceeds to throw away so he can handle alessandro's goodies all in the name of a "helicopter fight",this scene goes on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on till daniel kicks out alessandro and the helicopter pilot and stabilizes the helicopter within a minute(cause it's that kind of movie) Then daniel stares at a ring he snatched off alessandro as he flies unto the sun set mexican government Hmmm mexico is depicted as a grotty disgusting country with Deaf people and lazy law enforcement agents who allow terrorists run away scot free i bet this should bring in tons of investors and tourists ![]() narrator next sam smith does the impossible which is MAKE A JAMES BOND MOVIE GAY sam smith *singing* Spoilers spoilers listen close this movie is just a re-enactment of casino royale,QOS and skyfall run away while you still can sam mendes Dude? WTF sam smith Well at least i didn't say one line for half the whole song Adele ![]() narrator next we see ralph fiennes losing his sh*t back in london ralph fiennes WTF holy f*ck, what the good f*ck, sh*t f*ck dammit sh*t f*ck, f*ck f*ck f*ck, F*ck(takes a deep breath) F, U, C,K spells F*CK!!! daniel craig ![]() ralph fiennes No i'm just mad that they cast me in this role instead of ciaran hinds or liam neeson or tom wilkinson and why are we doing that scene from casino royale where judi dench yells at you for destroying an embassy? she did hers with a lot of class but i'm doing mine like a stereotypical black police chief from 21 jump street......wait you blew that building? daniel craig ![]() ralph fiennes Grrrr! I'm going to suspend you indefinitely for going after spectre the same way i did in on her majestys secret service for the same reason now f*ck off andrew scott Hello daniel i heard you are difficult to control and often insubordinate, ![]() daniel craig Nice name you've got i'll call you A.hole andrew scott *losing focus*Don't call me that i'm your boss ralph fiennes Yea maybe we should call him S for sucker andrew scott Hey don't call me that i'm warning you daniel craig Hey i've got one let's call him S.O.B andrew scott ![]() To be continued....
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Re: Swing And A Miss: Spectre by Nobody: 5:17pm On Jan 23, 2016 |
you've started again ![]() |
Re: Swing And A Miss: Spectre by severee(m): 6:37pm On Jan 23, 2016 |
coollabman: ![]() 1 Like |
Re: Swing And A Miss: Spectre by Nobody: 6:59pm On Jan 23, 2016 |
severee: lol! ![]() ![]() |
Re: Swing And A Miss: Spectre by severee(m): 7:03pm On Jan 23, 2016 |
coollabman: Yea they did with the ton of ads on tv and forcing the actors to lie in the movies commentary they practically forced me to see it ![]() |
Re: Swing And A Miss: Spectre by Nobody: 7:07pm On Jan 23, 2016 |
severee: lol! the movie wasn't a waste of mb jor! you enjoyed it and just want to beef for no good reason! ![]() |
Re: Swing And A Miss: Spectre by severee(m): 7:11pm On Jan 23, 2016 |
coollabman: Oh c'mon the movie was terrible and you know it don't even go there |
Re: Swing And A Miss: Spectre by Nobody: 7:16pm On Jan 23, 2016 |
severee: lol! its not as bad as you're making it look. as far as the numbers are concerned, it was a hit! ![]() ![]() |
Re: Swing And A Miss: Spectre by severee(m): 7:22pm On Jan 23, 2016 |
coollabman: Not as bad? - SPECTRE resurrected from 60s and forced into 2016 -James bond's character development tossed in the garbage and made into a robot again -Recycled themes and scores from skyfall -Blofeld that showed in 3 scenes - Forcing the movie to relate with the other craig movies - and james bond retiring from MI6 for a girl he met in a week ![]() 1 Like |
Re: Swing And A Miss: Spectre by Nobody: 7:38pm On Jan 23, 2016 |
severee: bwahahahahahaha!!! ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() |
Re: Swing And A Miss: Spectre by armadeo(m): 12:24am On Jan 26, 2016 |
Guy. You have come again. Thank God I have watched it cos this one pass spoiler. |
Re: Swing And A Miss: Spectre by newguy1(m): 12:41pm On Jan 26, 2016 |
I am disappointed firstly i thought Monica belluci was playing n integral part of the movie(cus of what heard from the commentary). Secondly the movie was too straight forward was actually thinking this movie was made to generate fund or just to end the contract with Daniel Craig. N him retiring for that girl! Bosnan didn't do dat even for halle berry. Dis 007 is a no brainer |
Re: Swing And A Miss: Spectre by 2baga(m): 1:47pm On Jan 26, 2016 |
hilarious spot on... but still hilarious |
Re: Swing And A Miss: Spectre by Nobody: 9:08am On Jan 27, 2016 |
spectre?? More like meh-ctre ![]() |
Re: Swing And A Miss: Spectre by severee(m): 12:27pm On Jan 29, 2016 |
narrator next daniel is walking aimlessly when naomie harris suddenly appears in front of him naomi harris Hey daniel where are you going? daniel craig i'm heading home cause i've been suspended as that is basic protocol for intelligence agencies, I've left scores of mexicans are dead, millions of dollars in property damage and frightened the f*ck outta everyone but hey I'm james bond so I'm going home ![]() naomi harris Anyway i have this box of burnt trash that forensics picked up from skyfall........ ![]() ![]() audience Ugh! ![]() daniel craig Any reason you couldn't just hand this box to me when i left ralph's office you're still his secretary right?anyway bring it to my house by 9:00 pm sexual predator hour *evil smile* narrator later that evening naomi shows up at daniels apartment with the box naomi harris So i heard about mexico everyone is talking about it daniel craig Da f*ck? How is this public knowledge? this is the british secret service damn it naomi harris care to explain? daniel craig ![]() naomi harris Judi............dench ![]() judi dench That's right the bond franchise couldn't live without me so i'm going cameo b*tches.....now daniel since you sucked at protecting me and carelessly got me killed in the worst way possible, i've decided to will you my kill list, now number one, go kill a dude named alessandro and attend his funeral to f*ck his widow and get answers audience Any reason you couldn't just arrest and interrogate the guy when you were alive? naomi harris shouldn't you have 'willed' this over to british intelligence instead? daniel craig Or perhaps just skip to the 'f*ck his widow' part? judi dench Look you wanna f*ck monica bellucci or not? daniel craig ![]() naomi harris Now why would i risk my career and probably my life committing treason for you? daniel craig Hmm do it for me and i'll buy you a bouquet of flowers naomi harris Hmmm that seems fair enough i'll do it narrator daniel heads over to Q-branch Ben whishaw Hello daniel notice how funny i sound? I'm trying to be....... daniel craig *rolling eyes* Desmond llewyn's Q i get it just give it a rest cause you suck ben whishaw ![]() daniel craig Ouch! ![]() ben whishaw (Changes topic) so here is the aston martin 2015 for your eyes only literary cause it belongs to 009 i don't even know why i'm showing it to you haha ![]() ![]() daniel craig Instead of piecing it together why not just get me a new car? ben whishaw You know how they say"if e pain you go hug transformer" well i've got this exploding wrist watch incase e too pain you see ya daniel craig Oh i just remembered i've got some a*ss to crush in italy so i'll need you to cover for me ben whishaw What? No! I can't do that besides you could always cut out your nano tracker and stuff it in your couch at home or something what do you need me for? daniel craig Dude did i tell you the a*ss in question belongs to monica bellucci? ben whishaw Oh my sh*t you've got to get on that.......ok you know what? I'll let you slide, if ralph asks, despite being a hacking computer genius who can play with the screen and make it seem like you are in london, i'll simply just say you are in london when you aren't and hope ralph doesn't know how to read a GPS daniel craig Atta boy, i shall now raise suspicion by stealing 009's car(steals aston martin 2015 and trades it for a bottle of champagne?) ben whishaw ![]() narrator daniel arrives in italy and doesn't run any flags cause MI6 doesn't put up APBs on stolen vechicles and it definitely doesn't have a tracker to stop the car from working you know? Like every other modern car does? anyway daniel is just in time for alessandro's funeral don't ask how he knows where it is cause it's that kind of movie daniel craig Hey wait a minute why does everyone here look like assassins? And isn't that my adopted brother christoph waltz? Never mind(staring at monica's a*ss) target acquired(approaches her) hey there lady your husbands death is giving me mourning wood get it wood? ![]() old as f*ck monica bellucci Mtchew!(Walks away) narrator later that evening monica walks into her house with two spectre hit men behind her and one daniel craig behind them old as f*ck monica bellucci Hmmm it's so weird that despite my husbands dangerous job i made no preparations for a day like this o well if i must die it must be close to my swimming pool with a drink in my hand, ![]() spectre hitman 1 Shut up! Now prepare to be shot by three spectre agents spectre hitman 2 Three i thought we were two? daniel craig Tada i'm the third hitman and i've been sneaking up your a*sses spectre hitman2 Damn it spectre hitman 1 this is your fault why didn't you lock the front door?(Daniel murders them both) daniel craig So monica i just saved you from an awful marriage to an ugly as f*ck dude and from being gang r*ped with bullets according to bond universe this means you owe me p*ssy old as f*ck monica bellucci And i guess we shouldn't go into details like say HOW I GOT INTO THIS MESS IN THE FIRST PLACE? daniel craig R*pe mode activated narrator daniel assaults monica's lips and she clearly looks like she's having a bad time old as f*ck monica bellucci Calm down dude they are lips not a f*cking burrito, did you just stick your nose in my mouth? ugh! the mirror is cold against my bare back CUT!!! |
Re: Swing And A Miss: Spectre by severee(m): 12:41pm On Jan 29, 2016 |
armadeo:Mtchew wetin dey for person to spoil the movie na just straight line even if na 20 minutes to end you start am u no go even miss anytin shockwave91:As in I'm not even going to take the next bond movie seriously especially if they are retaining that yeye director newguy1:Oh na dat part even vex you? What of when bond and the dr were going to spy on spectre and they dragged change of clothes with them like they were going on vacation or when blofeld said he and bond were brothers or the part where Q studied the ring and all three villains from the previous movies just happen to be related? as in na three days I use take finish the film to show how uninterested I was |
Re: Swing And A Miss: Spectre by forreelinc(m): 2:52pm On Jan 29, 2016 |
Severee abeg dem talk say them spend 300m on this movie abeg help me ask dem where the money go? |
Re: Swing And A Miss: Spectre by Nobody: 5:16pm On Jan 29, 2016 |
severee: i don't think the homie's coming back to the franchise. E don try. Wen r u doing Ant-Man?? |
Re: Swing And A Miss: Spectre by Nobody: 5:18pm On Jan 29, 2016 |
forreelinc: monica bellucci's make-up. Or dose senseless car chases & explosions. |
Re: Swing And A Miss: Spectre by severee(m): 5:48pm On Jan 29, 2016 |
shockwave91:Mtchew! Who dey watch that one? |
Re: Swing And A Miss: Spectre by Nobody: 6:56pm On Jan 29, 2016 |
severee:hahahaha!!! |
Re: Swing And A Miss: Spectre by severee(m): 9:14am On Feb 12, 2016 |
narrator daniel is done r*ping monica so he contacts his buddie from the CIA to "protect" monica let's all try to forget that spectre had direct links to the CIA in quantum of solace, moving on daniel is just in time to attend alessandro's succession meeting which is in a grand chapel with luxurious cars parked in front because........subtlety annoying bouncer ![]() daniel craig ![]() annoying bouncer ![]() daniel craig ![]() narrator daniel walks into the worlds largest and creepiest board meeting and in typical fashion spectre spills their evil plans in the presence of an MI6 agent Spectre Operatives Bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb Bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb Bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb Christoph waltz So anyone wanna replace mr alessandro? Hurry this up i've gotta feed my cat *WINK* doomed spectre dude I shall replace alessandro and i shall bring #Change to spectre operations i am loyal and patriotic to spectre. #SaiSpectre christoph waltz *Yawn* anyone else? dave batuista Hey guys remember me from guardians of the galaxy as the irrational big blue dude? Well guess what? i'm an irrational big dude in this movie as well(smashes doomed dude's face against a table,makes eye jelly outta him and snaps his neck for no reason) christoph waltz Hmmm a scary as f*ck dude who lights the fuse on every situation and can easily blow our cover........ ![]() spectre operatives ![]() christoph waltz So next matter of business daniel craig just infiltrated our meeting but don't worry you see it was a trap and now i've placed annoying bouncer behind him dave batuista ![]() narrator they race through the streets of italy and despite being a high speed race between two expensive as f*ck sport cars, the italian police chose not to give a sh*t daniel craig Hey naomi! i've found no better time to call than during a car chase naomi harris What is it daniel? daniel craig First of all despite just seeing my dead brother alive and being on the run from a murderous lunatic, let's quip about your boyfriend at the pure disgust of the audience naomi harris Done daniel craig Alright then,now reveal the identity of this pale king everyone has been talking about naomi harris ![]() daniel craig ![]() naomi harris (Flips through script) Ah yes it's jesper christensen from quantum of solace and casino royale remember him? daniel craig You mean the dude that blackmailed eva green into committing suicide and almost got judi dench murdered? ![]() sam mendes Cut! alright let's do this again but instead daniel act like jesper is an old dictionary you forgot to take back to the library daniel craig Gorrit, so where can i find jesper? naomi harris He is hiding in austria daniel craig Won't call it hiding if we can actually find him you know what i mean? ![]() Anyway yea please help me find out how christoph waltz is still alive despite dying in horrible bosses2 thanks dave batuista ![]() daniel craig Oh right you're still in this movie dave batuista One question, how is an aston martin faster than a jaguar? daniel craig ![]() ![]() ![]() dave batuista Seriously? you think i can't see you in a parachute not too far from here?(Flips through script) oh look i can't *shrugs* oh well(walks away) narrator next we see ralph, greg and andrew in tokyo for a G9 meeting of all intelligence heads? ralph fiennes ![]() andrew scott We are here to vote for or against joining our powers together to spy on weak nations without their permission #GoDemocracy ralph fiennes And what if we vote no other intelligence chiefs Then we'll call off the meeting in which case ![]() andrew scott ![]() ralph fiennes Good grief! how will you do that? dave scott ![]() ralph fiennes Hey i thought that was my job? andrew scott Well we are repeating that crappy"you can't control your agent" storyline from skyfall cause it never gets old, look at 009's car crashed in italy automatically that means daniel did it ralph fiennes How did you even know about daniel going rogue before me? shouldn't i be a bit suspicious about that? andrew scott Er No! I mean i saw a picture daniels crashed expensive as f*ck car in a river see? Nothing suspicious there(nose sprouts like pinnochios) daniel craig ![]() andrew scott And he had a late night chat with naomi harris ralph fiennes ![]() andrew scott No you slowpoke it's about how she is his mole at the office ralph fiennes Oh my God naomi just commited treason and assisted insurbodination dave scott So......what will you do to her? *evil smile* ralph fiennes Nothing actually if you don't mind we will be skipping to the next scene please And let's ignore the part about how daniel infiltrated the organization responsible for all'em bombings ok? andrew scott We've been doing well ignoring that part so far narrator next we see daniel in austria once again passing through austrian immigration despite the MI6 knowing he's gone rogue he heads to a cottage that has jesper christensen in it how daniel knows and how he found out doesn't matter ![]() daniel craig Hmmmm this is it my arch nemesis from my first two movies he's an excellent marks man just like me and smart as f*ck i better be on my guard this will indeed be an epic battle scene, hey heinsenberg could you direct me to jespers house please? jesper christensen ![]() audience What da? Hey sam! Breaking bad called they said STOP STEALING THEIR SH*T!!! jesper christensen Anyway, since you did such a tremendous job protecting catalina murino,gemma arteton,berenice marlohe, judi dench and eva green i shall now entrust my daughter into your care daniel craig Fine! what's your daughters name and how do i erase this conversation incase anyone stumbles upon the camera footage jesper christensen Good bye mr.craig(blows out his head) daniel craig Ugh! Sick i ma puke right now seriously i ma have a severe psychological trauma and i ma start having nightmares and PTSD and...... sam mendes Cut! Nice one daniel now we shall take this scene again this time act like a kid who just saw his parents kissing daniel craig Ok dave batuista Ha i'm here, time to make eye jelly outta you with my iron thumbs......oh damn daniel got to him before me ![]() jesper christensen Be sure not to look at my surveillance tapes.......sh*t i should have erased those dave batuista Hmmmm i shall find your surveillance tapes and watch them...............MENACINGLY!!! surveillance tapes ![]() To be continued...... |
Re: Swing And A Miss: Spectre by mrmagoo(m): 10:16am On Feb 14, 2016 |
Terrible write up you clearly don't have a clue about the bond franchise 1 Like |
Re: Swing And A Miss: Spectre by mrmagoo(m): 10:34am On Feb 14, 2016 |
severee: As for spectre's so called resurrection I guess you missed the part where blofeld confirmed that quantum is part of spectre Bonds character development wasn't thrown away he was still the same emotional and imperfect person from casino royale that will explain him falling in love again and why he accidentally destroyed that hotel in mexico nothing about him changed And what if the themes were recycled from skyfall that was meaningless Donald pleasance blofeld showed in only one scene and he was able to make him the most iconic villain on earth, so how does blofeld showing in three scenes affect the movie especially when he was played brilliantly It didn't seemed forced to me quantum is part of spectre so blofeld is bound to monitor bond and his journey so far and not kill him because of his relationship with him it seems logical to me And who said james bond is retiring just because this may be daniel craigs last bond movie doesn't mean bond is literally retiring and if you noticed there were several scenarios bond found himself with madeleine that reminded him of vesper lynd that will explain him falling for her easily If you don't understand something ask questions instead hating it to appear sophistcated and impress your peers 2 Likes |
Re: Swing And A Miss: Spectre by severee(m): 4:43pm On Feb 14, 2016 |
mrmagoo:Answer me one question, where does spectre fit in a post cold war world? For Godsake they were so forced that they didn't even have a decent evil plot and failed to be menacing plus quantum and spectre are two entirely different organizations with different mode of operations that do entirely different things so how can quantum be part of spectre it may have even the a bit manageable if spectre was the muscle wing for quantum mrmagoo:Oh really? Bond has gone from the cold calculated assassin who trusts no one and doesn't fall in love cheaply to a wise cracking wreckless guy who willingly walks into a trap 3 good times and f*cks anyone just for the sake of f*cking yet you didn't notice this? I see mrmagoo: The theme is how you tell a movie Apart from the other, it's laziness when you just re-use old stuff and frankly themes and scores are the bread and butter of the bond franchise how could you possibly be okay when you eagerly await the new scores only to hear the old one? even mission impossibles cue theme is edited with each new movie mrmagoo: Donald pleasance could get away with appearing at the end because it was a reveal that fans awaited for years and he didn't have much work to do but christoph waltz was bond's brother, who died and came back to life and is the suprise head of an agency bond has been tracking for the past ten years be honest is three scenes enough for all that? mrmagoo: keep in mind that bond met lechiffre, green and silva by accident so suggesting blofeld has a hand in their meeting and outcome Is just plain silly mrmagoo: 00 section has been cancelled,he didn't report back to M at the end, Q said it to him at the end even sam smith hinted it in his song from the tone of the movie did it look like bond was getting ready for another mission after this one? mrmagoo: lol what scenarios please? There was absolutely no chemistry between the both of them all of a sudden bond is being tortured and she goes I love you? Even their sex scene had no chemistry mrmagoo: Dude the movie is awful suck it |
Re: Swing And A Miss: Spectre by severee(m): 6:14pm On Feb 14, 2016 |
narrator daniel goes in search of jespers mysterious daughter who works in a clinic at the top of a snowy mountain because ![]() ![]() daniel craig Hmmm jespers daughter just happens to be really sexy and of bond girl age yumm! lea seydoux Pardon me ![]() daniel craig ![]() lea seydoux O_o so you paid all that money and filled all these forms and wasted all that time to fix an appointment just to tell me this? What if you were assigned to another doctor did you think about that? Now leave my office anyway daniel craig ![]() ![]() bar tender Crushed brocolli juice with a twist of cucumber and pickles shaken not stirred sir? daniel craig ![]() ben whishaw Hey daniel i've come to take you home daniel craig Not scared of flying anymore ![]() ben whishaw Oh right! ![]() daniel craig Hey take this ring and have it analyzed. ben whishaw And what exactly will i be looking for? daniel craig Hopefully a weak plot device that forcefully ties up all my previous bond entries dave batuista ![]() daniel craig Oh sh*t(chases after them) audience Oh yea i bet we will see some cool snow skiing stunts since you were raised by a skii instructor and i bet you'll like to pay homage to on her majestys secret service daniel craig F*ck that sh*t i've got a better plan.......*in epic voice* this is a job for BRITISH WALEED ALSHERI-MAN narrator daniel steals a plane and using his years of training as a professional assassin he goes all 9/11 on the whole of austria probably killing a few innocent austrian residents while at it dave batuista Hey lea you like my sawn off handgun I bet it's turning you on right? just look at it penetrate through daniels aircraft without killing him ![]() lea seydoux *scowls* dave batuista Ok someone roofie the f*ck outta her I bet that should turn her on spectre operative I'm on it (loads syringe full of roofies in front of lea like that's a good idea) lea seydoux Hey look over there angels of death from on her majestys secret service spectre operative Really? Where? I heard those chicks were hot (Gets roofied by lea) ![]() dave batuista Damn it what exactly turns you on for christ sake car crashes? daniel craig ![]() ben whishaw Er why are scary dudes looking at me weird in this cable car which i'm also not afraid of by the way? ![]() scary as f*ck dudes We are here to kill you by staring you to death audience I bet ben whishaw has some kickass gadget to display and kill off scary as f*ck dudes with, then perhaps he will make some quip to spice things up ben whishaw (Runs away like a b*tch) audience Any point to that scene? narrator meanwhile bond is done crashing into the evil suvs and lea crawls outta the wreckage without a scratch but she is unconvincingly in shock daniel craig Come with me if you want to live lea seydoux ![]() daniel craig Nah actually i was going for bourne identity but *shrugs* hey,whatever works............ so........*smacks* unto tangiers? lea seydoux Unto tangiers dave batuista ![]() narrator daniel and lea meet with ben at some hotel in austria daniel craig ![]() austrian government Yes because according to movies the only thing austrians are good at is tosca and even more tosca isn't that right rogue nation? Rogue nation F*ck YEA!! ben whishaw So this ring connects all the bad guys from previous craig movies daniel craig And how is that possible? Never saw a ring on mads mikkelsen or mathieu almaric or javier bardems fingers and isn't it a little convenient that they are the only ones who have worn the ring? And how have their DNA not wiped off the ring when alessandro washed his hands of wiped the ring? and knowing me and my habit of foiling every one of their plans,Why didn't spectre ever try to kill me? ben whishaw ![]() narrator daniel and lea journey off to tangiers in search of le merican lea seydoux By the way le merican is a hotel not a person what a mystery right? audience Zzzzzzzzz *snaps* God will this movie ever end? ![]() daniel craig Ha it's a good thing this place is still intact despite being abandoned for years oh look a dusty old bottle of scotch my favourite ![]() ![]() lea seydoux Hell No! That's f*cked up man you are old enough to be my uncle daniel craig *evil smile* oh we'll see about that....... ![]() ![]() sam smith Ugh! lea seydoux Hmmm a convenient list of spectre members ,*shrugs* I guess jesper was writing names of noise makers that day or something narrator next daniel and lea board a train to nowhere because sam mendes has a serious b*ner for trains daniel craig Hey i wanna give you the "death talk" have you killed a man before? lea seydoux Don't worry i've seen quantum of solace already take a deep breath, make it count........ But i don't like guns i prefer being rescued by a MAN and besides spectre didn't kill my dad so everything is cool daniel craig Okay let's do a mr and mrs smith cohabitation gag to amuse the audience audience Zzzzzzz *snaps* Please..........make it stop ![]() narrator next we see daniel and lea are[s]strategizing on how to attack spectre or gathering intel to forward to MI6[/s] having a romantic dinner because ![]() daniel craig O_o you know I could equally have dinner in my pajamas right? It's dinner in a f*cking train sam mendes I'm sorry I just remembered that I forgot to insert a tuxedo scene so I had to force one in here just like I did in skyfall narrator lea shows up in a f*ck me dinner dress daniel craig ![]() lea seydoux You know how i said we aren't gonna have sex? Well i've decided to look sexy and hope you don't get drunk and force yourself on me afterwards daniel craig ![]() ![]() dave batuista ![]() daniel craig ![]() dave batuista ![]() ![]() daniel craig ![]() dave batuista ![]() audience Oh this should be nice two gritty and highly skilled assassins fist fighting narrator dave and daniel embarrass bond fans by recreating richard kiel and roger moore's train fight scene from "the spy who loved me" audience ![]() lea seydoux ![]() dave batuista ![]() daniel craig (Running like a b*tch) HELP!!! dave batuista ![]() daniel craig ![]() lea seydoux ![]() ![]() daniel craig Gotcha (Puts a rope around daves neck and attaches its hook to a gas canister , yep its as confusing as it sounds) dave batuista ![]() lea seydoux So daniel......what do we do? daniel craig Well we haven't had dinner, we've destroyed this here train and we just killed a high ranking spectre member which may unleash the wrath of the other assassins on our a*sses plus thanks to batuista i will be needing a billion stitches and we are both writhing in pain, So obviously our best course of action is to have sex lea seydoux *smitten* awww! nothing turns me on more than an alchoholic wimp who encouraged my dad to commit suicide (They have sex) To be continued.... |
Re: Swing And A Miss: Spectre by Alaroro(m): 6:49pm On Feb 20, 2016 |
lol op this is good keep it up |
Re: Swing And A Miss: Spectre by severee(m): 5:25pm On Mar 20, 2016 |
narrator the following day daniel and lea get off the train and wait for spectre to pick'em up? sam mendes ![]() narrator shortly after, a rolls royce pulls up in front of them lea seydoux Hey what's that? daniel craig That's a rolls royce lea seydoux *rolling eyes* i mean why is he here? rolls royce driver Ahem! May i kidnap you please? daniel craig Well since you asked nicely(hops into the car) narrator daniel and lea are driven to a set location from quantum of solace but the hotel dunais is swapped for a fake looking villain base built in a crater christoph waltz Hello daniel welcome to my hideout daniel craig ![]() christoph waltz ![]() daniel craig And with all the power you consume, the electric companies are bound to get curious christoph waltz ![]() daniel craig And of course a rolls royce totally brought us here......... I mean people are bound to get curious about a rolls royce coming in and outta a cave in tangiers christoph waltz *scowls* daniel craig So lea and i aren't dead yet, i suppose it's because you wanna unveil your evil plans yes? christoph waltz ![]() daniel craig That's it? And what happened to "we have people everywhere" in quantum of solace? christoph waltz ![]() By the way all the bad guys in your movies work for me daniel craig What? christoph waltz I mean all the sh*t that happened to you by chance like ola rapaace carting away with that NATO NOC file or eva green commiting suicide out of guilt and mathieu almaric sending bolivian cops after giancarlo and drowning gemma arteton in crude oil were all my orders to hurt you daniel craig What? Even javier bardem? Cause that looked pretty personal to me christoph waltz It was all me daniel daniel craig Including the part about a riccocheted bullet killing judi dench by chance? christoph waltz Yes that was me too daniel craig Hmmm what else did you plan? ![]() christoph waltz ![]() daniel craig ![]() christoph waltz ![]() audience Tada? It's a movie called spectre who else runs spectre? christoph waltz ![]() lea seydoux Honey you're such a badass you didn't even flinch when jesper spilled his brains like pedigree from a can christoph waltz O_o ok, now I shall show daniel a live footage of ralph fiennes being retrenched muahahahahahah! daniel craig Oh dear christoph waltz Yea....... ![]() daniel craig No! I was just thinking may be i should have handed the ring over to ben whishaw when i returned from mexico and avoid all these really really boring plot Hollywood Common sense is forbidden in hollywood movies ![]() narrator next daniel is strapped to a chair with clothes on this time so daniel is a lil relaxed daniel craig Wow I had this bad dream that I was in a bond movie with the most boring blofeld depiction ever..........oh no it's not a dream.......... ![]() christoph waltz ![]() daniel craig ![]() ![]() christoph waltz Hey lea did you know that Daniel and i are brothers? my father was made daniels guardian when daniel lost his parents daniel craig ![]() christoph waltz ![]() ![]() audience Hey austin powers called he said STOP STEALING HIS SH*T!!! lea seydoux So you became a megalomaniac become of an unwanted house guest? And how old were you back then? you look more like daniels grand father than his older brother christoph waltz ![]() lea seydoux Ouch! Why? christoph waltz ![]() lea seydoux Seriously why? christoph waltz Because i'm trying to forget that i was in this movie, so i wanna try it on daniel first daniel craig Aint working ![]() christoph waltz Really? sh*t ur.......er......um ok I'm all outta evil things to do why are the cameras still rolling? daniel craig Lea let's blow up this facility and escape take my watch and......... lea seydoux Nah that ain't powerful enough I've got a bigger bomb shell..........DANIEL I LOVE YOU daniel craig What? christoph waltz What? audience What? spectre operatives What? eon productions staff What? spectre facility What? Oh I mean BOOM!!! To be continued..... |
Re: Swing And A Miss: Spectre by severee(m): 6:03am On Mar 28, 2016 |
narrator lea and daniels severly underdeveloped "love" blows christoph and his henchmen away and frees daniel because somehow chair straps respond to computers ![]() daniel craig How is this big-a*ss explosion not making us deaf right now? lea seydoux I'm more concerned about how we will make it back to england daniel craig No problem we shall totally GTA this helicopter conveniently placed behind us with a full gas tank, it's keys left in the ignition and a magic map that will tell us how to get back to england narrator with faith trust and pixie dust daniel and lea make it back to london anyway Daniel craig Hey ralph ralph fiennes ![]() ![]() daniel craig Sure! andrew is a bad guy and christoph waltz is dead ralph fiennes And i should believe this because........................ daniel craig When i blew up those building blocks in mexico and.......... ralph fiennes ![]() Daniel craig Dude do you want an excuse to kick andrews a*ss or not ralph fiennes Fine let's all hop into the mystery machine and solve this riddle daniel you coming? daniel craig Sure, hey lea where are you going? lea seydoux Er I just thought about it and I don't think I love you that much so I'm leaving you......now i shall walk into this lonely dark alley all by myself daniel craig Er shouldn't you wait till we are done with spectre to talk about this? C'mon do you even know your way around london? You know what? Fine! go, you are just gonna get kidnapped again anyway(walks away) narrator in the "empty" streets of london daniel and ralph cruise to kick andrews a*ss when their car gets f*cked up by spectre baddies immediately killing ralph fiennes and giving daniel a violent concussion........PSYCHE! They are both fine because it's a bond movie, anyway daniel is taken away while no one sees a 50 year old ralph fiennes slip through the scene because he is that sleek ralph fiennes Oh they took away daniel.........*shrugs* oh well more andrew a*ss for me to kick narrator daniel is driven to the old MI6 building which looks like an antic from the 60s and not a building that was evacuated 4years ago, daniel over powers spectre baddies by sneezing on them and walks into the building to find it has been made into a bond taunting funfair audience Hey sam joker from batman called he said STOP STEALING HIS SH*T daniel craig Hmmm maybe i shoulda waited to see what i was up against before overpowering those guys I guess I should be very stealthy from now on....... ![]() christoph waltz ![]() audience *rolling eyes* all craig movies are related we get it christoph waltz i also rigged this building to explode making this the third grand explosion in this movie because I'm evil you see? daniel craig Wow i'm more concerned with how you walked away from that other blast with just a crappy scar you were supposed to be blown to sh*t man!..........wait did you just say you rigged the building to BLOW?! christoph waltz Yea and i shoved lea in M's office so you'll spend all 3 minutes looking for her daniel craig Lea's here?Wow all it took was less than 5seconds to get recaptured ugh! What a b*tch christoph waltz Well now that i've trapped you in the building i shall now fly away as easily as i flew in despite being known to MI6 as a terrorist goodbye mr.craig narrator meanwhile ralph boringly confronts andrew ralph fiennes M doesn't really mind you earning a little money on the side...... Oops wrong script but wait aren't we repeating the opening scene from casino royale? andrew scott No we aren't ralph fiennes It's night, the buildings all dark you are a high ranking british intelligence officer andrew scott Still don't see any similarity........ ha! i shall shoot you with an....... ralph fiennes Empty gun? Just like casino royale i'm even gonna flash your catridge at you and stuff andrew scott Oh my gosh this is totally casino royale that's why i shall spice things up by fighting like a little girl ralph fiennes And i shall fight like a grandpa narrator the dance of shame goes on for not too long before andrew falls off a building and dies like a disney cartoon character audience Hey winter soldier called they said STOP STEALING THEIR SH*T narrator meanwhile, daniel uses the GPS in his P*nis to find where Lea is stashed daniel craig Hey lea i'm glad you are alright now we shall jump a billion feet lea seydoux To our deaths? daniel craig Oh don't be silly we'll totally survive it i learnt this from skyfall(jumps a billion feet and lands on a motor boat.......... don't ask) hey isn't that christoph's chopper? christoph waltz Lalalalalalalalala escaping in my chopper no worries in the world daniel craig B*tch please!(shoots chopper down with a hand gun because laws of physics is also forbidden in bond universe ) sam mendes Just thought i go biblical and throw an ode to david and goliath ![]() narrator christoph's chopper crashes but he doesn't die for "opportunity to return" reasons, daniel hops outta his motor boat and walks towards christoph christoph waltz Oh thank God, please daniel shoot me i don't wanna be in another cheesy bond flick please sam mendes Cheesy? But kingsmen said they liked bond movies this way mathew vaughn ![]() daniel craig I would love to shoot you right now but I've got a tonne of cops who will witness me kill an unarmed dude so sorry can't help ralph fiennes Hey christoph on behalf of her majestys secret service i shall now hook you up to a life time supply of prison r*pe b*tch christoph waltz O_o how exactly are you gonna do that? You have no evidence that I'm evil and your only witnesses are an alchoholic insurbudonate MI6 agent who murdered a ton mexicans in a terror attack and a well respected british intelligence officer you carelessly killed ralph fiennes ![]() christoph waltz Yea yea I promise(nose sprouts like pinnochios) End audience Thank you God naomi harris Oh sh*t wait stop i forgot the evil satellite is about to launch we are going to be spied on and andrew is the only guy who knows how to turn it off audience Oh God WHyyyyyyyyyy? ![]() ben whishaw Pfft! I've got this i shall miraculously shut it down with my laptop i woulda used my phone but my battery is dead (Shuts down the "non-threatening" threat) daniel craig Hey lea lea seydoux I love you again ![]() daniel craig One more thing.......ben have you fixed my car despite not having time due to following me about this movie? ben whishaw Yea here it is daniel craig Riding unto the sunset b*tches till lea gets murdered and I swear revenge against spectre(sh*ts all over the set and wipes a*ss with his james bond movie contract) End for real |
Re: Swing And A Miss: Spectre by Raalsalghul: 3:17am On Apr 05, 2017 |
(1) (Reply)
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