I have read a lot on NL and felt its a place to to get a little help. i am 26 female doctor currently in the US on a graduate program. Before comming to the States , I had boyfriend who incidently wanted to marry me  before leaving , but because i was bent on furthering my career, i had to go. Although he is nice, good looking , had a good job in the bank, he is older than me by 15yrs.

Before that guy , I had a boyfriend in the university that was in medical school with me, we broke up  but still kept in touch even after he left for the states for the same program  which i am now. Though not in the same city. some where northeast USA. He loves me ( But i dont think he is the way i do for him), and had done so much for me too, like helping with admission process and all the info needed to come in.

Then, here comes the third guy whom i never in my wildest dream will ever meet. He is nice, good looking and very caring. infact he can go extra lenght to do anything for me. This guy in question is married and currrently seperating from his wife for reasons thats medically related on the wife not able to concieve. The pressure has been on him by his parents, that i never believed him until one day he got a call from home while having dinner in a resturant. He was so terified that for once i knew the situation was getting serious.


Let me say that my boyfriend in North east has finally finished the program and has move down to metro Atlanta and decided to move in with me instead of staying with his relation. The situation was such that i couldnt say no to his moving in because of the relationship i have with him. But considering that the guy i met here  is thinking of settling down and have what i actually needed, I am in a confused state. To prove to me how serious he was he called my snr sister about it and want me to give a go ahead to conclude things back home.


I am loosing him cos he cant stand the fact that i have a man at home with me. I do love and care for him but my northeasterner is on me too. I dont know what to do. He is getting tired of waiting and dont want to hurt him either. he has not done any wrong to me and the guy i have at home dont wanna see it happen either. 

What do i do?. I want to get married , settle, file for my papers and live a good life with someone that will love me unconditionally. I doubt if after knowing that i am still seeing the third guy, he will marry me. i know this because he is already making me scared, threat, almost beating me few weeks ago. If he gets on his feet, will he dump me?

Please help.

@Tbaby12



I wish you the best.

Tbaby12:

I have read a lot on NL and felt its a place to to get a little help. i am 26 female doctor currently in the US on a graduate program. Before comming to the States , I had boyfriend who incidently wanted to marry me  before leaving , but because i was bent on furthering my career, i had to go. Although he is nice, good looking , had a good job in the bank, he is older than me by 15yrs.
Before that guy , I had a boyfriend in the university that was in medical school with me, we broke up  but still kept in touch even after he left for the states for the same program  which i am now. Though not in the same city. some where northeast USA. He loves me ( But i dont think he is the way i do for him), and had done so much for me too, like helping with admission process and all the info needed to come in.
Then, here comes the third guy whom i never in my wildest dream will ever meet. He is nice, good looking and very caring. infact he can go extra lenght to do anything for me. This guy in question is married and currrently seperating from his wife for reasons thats medically related on the wife not able to concieve. The pressure has been on him by his parents, that i never believed him until one day he got a call from home while having dinner in a resturant. He was so terified that for once i knew the situation was getting serious.
Let me say that my boyfriend in North east has finally finished the program and has move down to metro Atlanta and decided to move in with me instead of staying with his relation. The situation was such that i couldnt say no to his moving in because of the relationship i have with him. But considering that the guy i met here  is thinking of settling down and have what i actually needed, I am in a confused state. To prove to me how serious he was he called my snr sister about it and want me to give a go ahead to conclude things back home.
I am loosing him cos he cant stand the fact that i have a man at home with me. I do love and care for him but my northeasterner is on me too. I dont know what to do. He is getting tired of waiting and dont want to hurt him either. he has not done any wrong to me and the guy i have at home dont wanna see it happen either. 
What do i do?. I want to get married , settle, file for my papers and live a good life with someone that will love me unconditionally. I doubt if after knowing that i am still seeing the third guy, he will marry me. i know this because he is already making me scared, threat, almost beating me few weeks ago. If he gets on his feet, will he dump me?
Please help.

Wait, you said you like the guy you're living with 'cause he has what you need. Well there's your answer.

@ Igwe.

I dont want to close his chapter because he and his wife has agreed to divorce and its proceeding  the normal way. its going to be final next month. Its not his fault if it didnt work out. I think he still deserve to be treated as a person.

I dont know if he will still believe me and trust  me after i have made him go through those period. Its had to find a man living with someone you want to have a serious relationship with.

I love him but i dont know what to do to get the Northeasterner out. i have to settle down. The Atlantan has all i needed and very caring like i said in my thread.

@ Okra soup,

The one i met in the states has all i need in life. althoug not my tribe unlike the rest. But the loving one is having a tight grip on me. and almost becoming physicall. i have to call from the bathroom if i want to reach the Atlantan or when he is not around.

Tbaby12:

@ Okra soup,
The one i met in the states has all i need in life. althoug not my tribe unlike the rest. But the loving one is having a tight grip on me. and almost becoming physicall. i have to call from the bathroom if i want to reach the Atlantan or when he is not around.

What is most difficult in your situation is not taking the actions that support what you say you want. You want the Atlantan, you've stated you do yet have you told the man you're living with? Perhaps he's angry because you seem to be going back and forth back and forth. Have you told him you love someone else and want to be with that person and he needs to move? Perhaps he feels you're jerking him around. Is there a reason you're not telling him? Is he helping you with rent and your other bills? You've stated he sometimes gets physical, well that's never a good situation to be in so perhaps coming clean with your thoughts and feelings will help everyone involved? What do you think?

"almost physical" sorry , Almost can lead to definite so please be careful

Tbaby12:

I have read a lot on NL and felt its a place to to get a little help. i am 26 female doctor currently in the US on a graduate program. Before comming to the States , I had boyfriend who incidently wanted to marry me before leaving , but because i was bent on furthering my career, i had to go. Although he is nice, good looking , had a good job in the bank, he is older than me by 15yrs.

Before that guy , I had a boyfriend in the university that was in medical school with me, we broke up but still kept in touch even after he left for the states for the same program which i am now. Though not in the same city. some where northeast USA. He loves me ( But i dont think he is the way i do for him), and had done so much for me too, like helping with admission process and all the info needed to come in.

Then, here comes the third guy whom i never in my wildest dream will ever meet. He is nice, good looking and very caring. infact he can go extra lenght to do anything for me. This guy in question is married and currrently seperating from his wife for reasons thats medically related on the wife not able to concieve. The pressure has been on him by his parents, that i never believed him until one day he got a call from home while having dinner in a resturant. He was so terified that for once i knew the situation was getting serious.


Let me say that my boyfriend in North east has finally finished the program and has move down to metro Atlanta and decided to move in with me instead of staying with his relation. The situation was such that i couldnt say no to his moving in because of the relationship i have with him. But considering that the guy i met here is thinking of settling down and have what i actually needed, I am in a confused state. To prove to me how serious he was he called my snr sister about it and want me to give a go ahead to conclude things back home.


I am loosing him cos he cant stand the fact that i have a man at home with me. I do love and care for him but my northeasterner is on me too. I dont know what to do. He is getting tired of waiting and dont want to hurt him either. he has not done any wrong to me and the guy i have at home dont wanna see it happen either.

What do i do?. I want to get married , settle, file for my papers and live a good life with someone that will love me unconditionally. I doubt if after knowing that i am still seeing the third guy, he will marry me. i know this because he is already making me scared, threat, almost beating me few weeks ago. If he gets on his feet, will he dump me?

Please help.

I think it is natural. A times comes in a womans life she becomes very confuse which man to choose all I can say is the one that that gives you peace and smile when you remember him is the one

Be honest. This is your basket of problems:

1. you want to marry for papers
2. you want to settle in the US
3. you really don't care about any of these men, rather you are looking for who can provide most of your selfish needs

You sound like a very manipulating person ~~~ that is the REAL problem.

On your bike. . .

Beaf:

Be honest. This is your basket of problems:

1. you want to marry for papers
2. you want to settle in the US
3. you really don't care about any of these men, rather you are looking for who can provide most of your selfish needs

You sound like a very manipulating person ~~~ that is the REAL problem.

On your bike. . .

Spot on

This story seems very familia, anywaz~ @ Poster, Let's get this straight, one guy is 15yrs older than you (lol) the other guy is divorcing his wife cos she can't conceive ( so if you can't conceive he'll drop you too) and the last guy is living off you and beating or about to beat you. hmmmmmmmm.

Okay, i'll get back to you when i try and figure out whats confusing you!

Why the many criss cross? Please free yourself from these men so that you can see clearly to make a good choice and stop living a complicated life. Remember a lady should live her with dignity and honour.

Beaf:

Be honest. This is your basket of problems:

1. you want to marry for papers
2. you want to settle in the US
3. you really don't care about any of these men, rather you are looking for who can provide most of your selfish needs

You sound like a very manipulating person ~~~ that is the REAL problem.

On your bike. . .

I dont understand what's confusing abt this. . .

you are obviously more inclined to a married man, the fact that he is STILL married is reason enough to 'MIND THE GAP'.
You shouldnt even be emotionally involved in the first place, remember whatever goes around comes around.

Man wey wan beat person? dem dey consider that one? and u neva enter him house o! Marry him and you may have saved him gym fees. . . because y pay for a gym wen you've got an 'object' of practice live in?

As per getting paper, financial security etc. . . there's nothing more liberating than knowing you can stand alone, you dont need anyone to provide for you, and there's alot more ways to getting ur papers.
But I guess Laziness makes us choose the easiest option that would be detrimental in the long run.

My Advice: Break free of 'em all, work on urself first. You'll find how easy it all becomes!

Definately don't marry the guy 15 years older than you. . .

//

@TBaby12,

1. If your so called married guy could leave his wife of many years on grounds of "not being able to conceive" ignoring the "for better for worse" oath, then I wonder if he is the guy that will stick with a woman if she has a problem that can only be solved divinely. Ask yourself thi question and answer honestly. If you marry this guy and you end up no t being able to conceive or some form of medical condition (I forbid that for you), WILL HE STICK BY YOU TILL THE END?

I guess you know the answer. So, to me, he is out of the way.

2. The naija guy is an ok guy, nice, good looking etcetera etcetera but he is in Naija, no matter how much you love or want him, the distance between you guys is the obstacle and gap which the Northeasterner is gladly filling. I am even so sure if you marry the naija guy, this northeasterner will still be able to melt you down anyday anytime (you know what I mean) cos he knows you wella.

So, I think out goes the naija guys.

3. We have on candidate left. You can do many things,

i. Count your losses and move on
ii. Discard all of them in the name of fairness and start all over again
iii. Use the elimination criteria above or
iv. Pray and Fast for 3 days and seek God's guidance.

I wish you well.

chaircover:

1. I advise you nicely tell your north-eastern boyfriend to go stay in relatives.

2. As for the one leaving his wife because she can’t conceive; isn’t marriage for better for worse? What happens if God forbid you suffer a terrible illness, or disfigured in an accident or can’t conceive yourself? Will he divorce you too?

3. As for the one in Nigeria, do you know what he is getting up to in your absence? If he really wanted to marry you, he would have done so even if the wedding had to hold a day before you left Nigeria.

I agree with 1 and 2, but 3 is wrong. Who knows what he is getting up to?? How hypocritical when she has one guy living with her now and she is having dinner and calling a married man on the phone in the bathroom! As a woman I know you'll support your fellow woman, but please - if anything, she's the one messing around now.

As for marrying her before she left Nigeria, obviously she DIDN'T want to marry him before she left. she said

Tbaby12:

I have read a lot on NL and felt its a place to to get a little help. i am 26 female doctor currently in the US on a graduate program. Before comming to the States , I had boyfriend who incidently wanted to marry me  before leaving ,[b] but because i was bent on furthering my career, i had to go. [/b]Although he is nice, good looking , had a good job in the bank, he is older than me by 15yrs.

Obviously the decision was hers.

Frankly I think she is using each of these guys for what she can get from them, which is a wrong mentality.

Leave all three alone for a while and refuse to be put under pressure to act immediately. You will definitely be confused when you're keeping one man in the house, calling another one secretly in the bathroom and stringing another one along in Nigeria.

I will like to reply to the contributions so far. Life is not perfect and thats why I am stil giving the married one a chance. I am in the medical feild and i know when lab test comes back good or bad. The wife have done several surgeries and age was not her side either. Infact the test confirmed that he was okay. I proved it my self and i dont need to explain here.

There is mutual agreement between them and they have to go their ways.

I dont know how long i have to live under such condition. thanks for all the contributions so far.

//

seriously, as a doctor, how do u have time for three men?

You want to be with a man who left his wife? Just b'cos she didn't give birth. Someday he may be leaving you for some reason too.

I've seen marriages of 15 yrs before the first child came. Thats what marriage is about, thick and thin. Look before you leap.

baby,
It seems you are bit greedy cos you believe that you can have it both ways by keeping two men and using them interchangeably? you are leaving with a guy who has got no baggage like the other guy who is married and you are loosing sleep over him. I think it's an  infatuation for the married guy. Maybe you can go sleep with him and calm your nerves. First of all he is married and trying to get a divorce from his wife. do you know how long it will take? do you really know if he is the problem not his wife? Since its a fertility problem as you said, can he show you any medical evidence to back up his claim that he is medically potent? Why do some women want to believe they can always change a guy. What if he's telling about his divorce in order to sleep with you if he hasn't done so. What is it about  women that most of them cant seem  to push the right buttons whenever a stranger-man- stammers " I love you" I am having the same problem with my sister who is not asking the right questions to her bf.
My best friend got married in 1987 and his wife will deliver for the first time twins by next week. No kid for the past 22yrs even though they adopted a kid less than 3yrs ago. So get it in your head that you are not looking for a boyfriend who will go to your high school prom with you but a man who is going to stick by you all through.

Tbaby12:

I will like to reply to the contributions so far. Life is not perfect and thats why I am stil giving the married one a chance. I am in the medical feild and i know when lab test comes back good or bad. The wife have done several surgeries and age was not her side either. Infact the test confirmed that he was okay. I proved it my self and i dont need to explain here.
There is mutual agreement between them and they have to go their ways.
I dont know how long i have to live under such condition. thanks for all the contributions so far.

Life isn't perfect that's why you're giving the married guy a chance? LOL Don't kid yourself. Don't make up lame excuses to make it easier for you to deny the fact that you're having an affair with a married man. All that other bullshit you're spewing about  proving he's okay and the wife is the one with the issues conceiving does not legitimize your position. It seems to me you want people to say you're doing fine and everything you're doing is okay 'cause you have an excuse for everything and none of them seem to be clearing up the mess you're in.
Good luck and I hope you do the right thing for everyone involved.

Tbaby12:

Life is not perfect and thats why I am stil giving the married one a chance. I am in the medical field and i know when lab test comes back good or bad. The wife have done several surgeries and age was not her side either. Infact the test confirmed that he was okay. I proved it my self

@TBaby
At the risk of name-calling, are u not being selfish, self-absorbed and self-centered. If u're really truthful with urself, seems u're only out to gain something from ur situation. Obviously the man is one of ur patients. Are u telling me, it's no longer safe to have female doctors? What, How, where and even when did u prove that he is 'ok'. Kai, Im seriously restraining myself from using derogatory words on u. For crying out loud, u are only 26 _{at least that was the age u gave} why the desperation?
In the first place, why did u agree to date someone 15 years older than u are. I think you are battling with insecurity and low-self esteem. seems you are attracted to father-figure (i.e men who can play the role of father in your life. Watch ursef. Seems u're the one with the problem, not any of them.  Like someone earlier advised, what goes around. Joy to the Wise I refuse to be a fool cos _{*I think thatz what u wanna willingly be*}
Let it be said that Ashaby has spoken her piece!

//

frank3.16:

seriously, as a doctor, how do u have time for three men?

This is the first sensible post i've seen from u in all my years on nairaland. CONGRATULATIONS!!!

Definately don't marry the guy 15 years older than you. . .

Why?

Okay, i'll get back to you when i try and figure out whats confusing you!

IDLDF (ie I [b]D[/b]e [b]L[/b]aff [b]D[/b]e [b]F[/b]all  

Igwe.:

Did they wed in the church?

Is it any reason for the poster encouraging divorce?

Gaggi:

You want to be with a man who left his wife?  Just b'cos she didn't give birth. Someday he may be leaving you for some reason too.

I've seen marriages of 15 yrs before the first child came. Thats what marriage is about, thick and thin. Look before you leap.

Good one there!!!

I smell something here,a guy sometime ago said something about him getting to meet a lady in america through a friend,and the lady he wanted to marry cant give him a child,hence d dissolution,and his parents back home are really disturbing him to get married soon.The same guy said he met a girl in US,and the lady has got a bf in medical school,and has another bf too.And so so many things that really matches what d poster just described. Are we sure the poster is not the person the guy was talking about? If he's d one,just marry yourselves ok,cos both of u really needed advice and i think its better that way

ashaby:

This is the first sensible post i've seen from u in all my years on nairaland. CONGRATULATIONS!!!

ME!!! hey see insult, if i catch u ehhh!!