18th February 2016
Group Commander of Federal Rebulic of Nigeria
Presdiential Villa
Aso Rock
Federal Capital Territory
Dear Buhari,
I’m sorry I haven’t been able to write this letter to you since January, it’s been difficult shuttling between two cities. I’m home now, my girlfriends’ having cramps so I came home to take care of her. She’s asleep now, so I have about half an hour before she wakes up and the craziness starts again. There’s a lot I have to tell you, a lot of catching up to do, I’ll try and pace myself so it won’t be too lengthy.
CONGRATULATIONS! Haha. That one’s long overdue. I honestly thought we were going to have another 4 years of Johnny, Patty J and Deizaini and all the corporations milking us dry. I’m honestly still baffled about how you pulled it off. You got some of the most corrupt gangsters in your cabinet though, but how does that saying go “the enemy you know”. Besides I think it’s wiser you have them following your instructions than plotting against you. Just keep looking tough General, those negroes can smell blood miles away. Speaking of blood I saw the most gruesome accident today, some guy was running away from VIO Officers and drove into a barrier, SPLAT! and he was on his way to his maker. Of course the VIO was out of there before you could say Dansuki. Told my girl about it but she seemed uninterested, guess she’s seen enough blood of her own today already.
I bet you’re feeling like Jack from Jack and the Beanstalk. You bought some Magic beans (Nigeria) from some dodgy salesman (INEC) only to discover it’s growing in the opposite direction. Don’t feel that way brother, somehow, you’ve magically put yourself on the right track. You see, even though you’ve employed mostly your people (we’ll speak about that later) you do have a couple of people in your corner that have foresight. The people who see that before you can heal from an injury, you have to gradually recuperate and do even more painful recovery exercises so you can get better. Eventually they’ll see the bigger picture, well hopefully. Shit! Nepa!..sorry for the foul language. Oh no they didn’t take light, I haven’t had light since morning and they just flashed for a second and took it away. Always teasing and taunting me. My gen is working but its not yet 6pm so I have to chill a while.
So the elephant in the room, about time we address it. THE WAR ON CORRUPTION. Before I go on lets flashback, remember that time you used to import escaped political criminals in containers hahahaha that was so wrong but so necessary. Haha THE GENERAL.. Meanwhile your opposition can be so dramatic, haba! What was the name of that one that insisted they bring him in handcuffs everyday just so cameras could see him and people feel sorry for him. And the other one that came in a wheelchair to court haha. Oh Oh and lets not forget Deizaini the newlyfound cancer patient haha, that woman was always that ugly, all she did was take a picture without makeup she doesn’t have cancer jor.
So as I was saying, War on Corruption. I’ve been in quite a good mood, but I think I should be serious for this. You know I can understand if your former colleagues were stealing oil money, that’s cool, nothing new there, people been stealing oil money since Rockefeller dug his first oil well. But you can trust Nigerians to take corruption to a whole new ultimate boss level. They overinflated contracts and never executed we kept quiet, someone stole pension money for old pensioners with nothing to eat, we kept quiet. They were buying bullet proof cars for hundreds of millions of naira, we kept quiet. But the icing on the cake, to create an inflated Defence budget and then disburse the money for personal gain… All the soldiers that died, all the victims of the clashes, the so-called fictional chibok girls, all these lives, lost. For what?! I’ve seen the properties the EFCC have been seizing, complete rubbish and lack of taste, that’s what happens when you give an slowpoke money, they don’t even know how to spend it.
Now let’s be realistic, you know I left school not too long ago so my economics is still very fresh. In order to increase a budget, there has to be a demand for it. So how do you get senate to approve the increase of the arms budget, same way George bush got America to invade Iraq, you create Terror!!! Boko Haram! General, there is no such thing. Jonathan’s colleagues created terror on their own, using their means and resources they executed this terror. When the senate wouldn’t budge they took it to drastic measures until the senate approved the money.
So like you and I, and so many other sensible people, you were furious, you persecuted them and even if the male prostitutes in the Judiciary set them on bail you refused. Now the public wants to twist it, Buhari does not obey the Judiciary. General screw the Judiciary!! Honestly if I knew someone who knew how to operate a Sniper Rifle effectively, that no good trifling negro will be eating, drinking and pooping through a straw for the rest of his life, because death is way too simple of a punishment. Everyone’s forgotten the crime and is focused on the fact that you think you are above the law. And that’s how it’s going to be, we’ve made some noise, raised placard and expressed our feelings on social media. But for Pete’s sake when is somebody going to shoot someone in the head!? That’s what I would love to see, someone walk up in that courtroom and put a bullet in Dansuki’s head. A selfless act that will resonate through the minds of all the imperialists looting us dry. You can steal from us and treat us like servants, but one good day, I will find you and put two bullets in your head and you will never get to enjoy the money. We don’t need a War Against Corruption Campaign. We need a swift and prompt visual consequence. And please, let it be televised!!
Honestly sometimes I feel bad for you, I know you want to cut off some people’s arms and fingers so bad but you have to put those old ways behind you in this civilian government. Which reminds me, speaking of cutting off arms and fingers, why does the name of almost every newly appointed official in your government or cabinet begin with Alhaji or Alhaja. You’re sort of a good man and you have the right morals. Don’t make the same mistake Johnathan made, rewarding ex-cons and militants with political positions. All because they came from the Niger Delta, what a STUPID thing to do. How can you award Pipeline Safety contracts to Asari Dokubo and Tompolo!? They were and still are THUGS! Where Is the freaking dignity and respect for the country. What happened to Nigeria does not negotiate with terrorists!? Now it seems you wanna do the same thing and you know as my bro I have to call you to order else I’m not a good friend. Look at the one who rejected your appointment of her as a Vice Chancellor, Thank God she rejected it. Look at her English, “I WISHES to thank you”. On a freaking National Newspaper!! Honestly if I didn’t know better I’d think you were trying to turn us into an Islamic state, but I’m already sure you know better, because mosques would be on fire before the prayers even started. Just diversify, try. Employ people from different tribes, you’ll get to hear the voice of the whole Nigeria that way. At least you didn’t employ Reuben Abati, dude that guy was an slowpoke. He was like that Educated gorilla from George of the Jungle. The Gorilla seemed educated, but he was still a gorilla. Stay clear of such characters.
The changes are a lot though, but hopefully you have a plan. You should probably do something in the education sector because my God these children are D.U.M.B. There is no way or no need to sugercoat it, majority of the children we have in Primary and Secondary Schools today are Extremely DUMB. I know if some parents see this letter, they’d be offended and claim their child isn’t dumb. I understand you must feel emotional about it. But ask the following questions: Can their kids name the state capitals of at least 15 states, can they name 6 ministers except Amaechi and Fashola? Can they name 5 senators except Ben Bruce Banner and Saraki. Hiss. Dumb Kids. Unsubscribe your DSTV today and set your kids free.
And what happened to the Nigerian Ambition, Culture and Values. When did it become a thing for Nigerian Girls to aspire to be Make-up Artists?! When did that become a career goal for Nigerians. Is their horizon that low that their highest goal is to go around carrying a suitcase of powders to convince other women their natural skin is not beautiful and they need to reinforce it wth coloured concrete before they can be beautiful. And don’t get me started on Instalife and Tweetfam, General, please tell these people those likes don’t mean shit. I live in the real world, and you can’t filter the ugliness. People are out here dying, starving to death and literally running mad out of hunger and poverty, and daddyfreeze wants to tell me how his AP was a good investment. Everyone’s all up in Shoprite snapping selfies. Here’s the ironic thing, a few months ago, they were killing Nigerians in SA for coming to live there and steal their jobs. Yet, SA brought the lowest of their lowest retail franchises, SHOPRITE, which is for low income people in SA, and it has turned to the highlight of Nigeria. I salute the freaking flag, Lebanon is not as big as Lagos but yet our retail and construction industry is run by Lebanese. Let me break it down for you Big daddy!. Electronics & Retail are the Lebanese!, Automobile and Marine etc are the Indians, Mining and Minerals are all handled by the Chinese. These are the people calling the shots in these Industries in Nigeria. The Nigerians you see in the interviews and PR images are just Man-Fridays. Nigerians do not own squat in Nigeria, maybe a miserable 4% of the population can say otherwise. We were working for white Masa then, we still working for Masa now. Telling me about dollar rate has gone high, when was the last time you walked into a booker or a restaurant and they gave you your bill in dollars.
Wow time has gone, I gotta go now, its past 6pm already, and I have to bleed my gen before starting it, diesel finished the last time I used it. The Mrs will be awake soon as well, and there has to be light when she wakes up. I’ll contact you again soon, when I have some free time.
In the meantime remain strong and try to make the right decisions. I support you, I know the change is not what everyone expected, but I know we’re getting there.

Best Regards
Arc. Lu

There is a bookstore beside my house they sells summary text books

Too bad they weren't selling birth control when your mom lived there. waste of species.

skelewu404:
There is a bookstore beside my house they sells summary text books

MrLuGold:
Too bad they weren't selling birth control when your mom lived there. waste of species.

so this small thing wey i talk now na y u dey mention my mother na wa o