Cutehector:
trust me, u can deal with anger issues if u choose to..

enieme:

people can't control what they are born with. If it's a no go area for all guys, who would then marry them?

Impatience is something fairly common in most humans women especially.

skylowlow:
who go come marry the angry women

eDoc:


Love your thoughts men!!!!

lordizak:
You see, your perception about life must no conform with everybody's. Every relationship is a potential roadmap to marriage; At 25 or more u still want to be doing what you did @15 -23 (flirting). There comes this time when your mindset have to change, You need to have things of your own eg Your car, house, your woman, all things your own. You can't expect people in a committed relationship to have this your mindset.
Secondly, You need to look at your role in the conflict. Conflict is not necessary a violent tool, but the tool the oppressed use to voice out their anger. Let's take for instance you asked her to see Ur uncle and maybe this uncle is the man you owe every to, on announcing that to your uncle, he cancel all appointments of that day, so as to meet your prospective wife. Your spouse arrived, he met with a few people and opted to go, you try convincing her on the need to meet your uncle, she refused. Wouldn't that be regarded as rude and disrespectful?. She only was trying to touch that gentleman spot in you, on the other hand, you are the stubborn fellow here. Treat a woman like she is one. Pet her, love her, tolerate her. When she wrongs you, accept her apologies. Leaving her does make u a better man or mean you are better off. That girl needs you back, that girl is sorry, she sure have learnt lessons. she's hurting. Thanks.

dearpreye:


Have no idea what you're even talking about.

dicefrost:



People can change themselves, they can control what they where born with! I am a good example. I grew up a very shy and socially withdrawn person. Even up to adulthood. It began to affect me negatively. I made conscious effort to change. Today, i am a completely different person from who i use to be 2yrs ago. Change is possible, only if the person sees the need, and wants to. If not, she could find someone who will accept that particular flaw.

megareal:
In all ramifications, uncontrollable anger is bad. I know a couple who are both extremely crazy when angry. No one backs down and all household items are destroyed in the process. After the war, you will see them cooing like two lovebirds. We all think they are abnormal, they think us pretenders. Truth is, they were both like that during courtship, and went ahead to get married despite protests. The guy didnt run, according to him, she is the ideal woman for him. Me, I dey fear for them sef but their marriage seems to be working, 10 years now. Though it works for them, I still cant see myself living in such a house abegi.

emekamigo:
Good one and true-had same experience,ignored and I live everyday wishing I can turn back the hands of time.Guys BEWARE!

Miggs:
you should continue ignoring me as I'm a troll just like you

dearpreye:
Good morning all.

Moments ago, I saw and read a relationship topic on front page. This is as a result of that topic. The OP asked for advice from NLers over his to - be wife who has very serious anger issues. Anger is one of the worst weaknesses any person could have or tolerate in their lives.

We have this erroneous belief that ALL courtship must end in marriage. It's a dangerous mindset. The purpose of any courtship is to ascertain the COMPATIBILITY of the people involved. It's a time for each person to carefully decide what they can or can't tolerate in their partner. The courtship period is the most vital period before the knot is tied.

This message isn't tailored towards discouraging those who are in a courtship neither is it intended to make us fault finders but its purpose is make sure we make good decisions with our HEADS after taking the time to study and understand people.

People don't change.

Humans are some of the most complex creatures God ever made. We hardly change. We only change when we want to, not because some people wanted us to. That's the human nature. If you're tolerating very difficult issues with the belief the person will change in marriage, you've inherited an eternal prayer and fasting ministry. They will hardly change.

Don't ever ignore RED FLAGS.

Red flags are warning signals predicting potential dangers in the path of your relationship.

If any person told me I want going to marry Mary, I wouldn't have believed. I thought we were in love. Maybe we were. I was old enough to have witnessed my parents argue very bitterly, sometimes also to the point of not talking to each other for days. So I knew marriage is one of the most vital events I'll ever undertake; so I was prepared to get as much facts as I could on the issue of marriage.

When I visited her this fateful day, I didn't know it would be the last day we would see. It was blissful day. She had suggested I visit a pastor friend of hers. I did. She suggested I visit another friend but this time I refused because of the exhaustion that followed the first journey. In fact I suggested we reschedule the visit. An argument ensued. She insisted I should go, but I stood my grounds. After some exchange of words, I decided to return home. That was when the unthinkable happened : my clothes were hooked up and ruffled and all my buttons destroyed. I didn't believe it was happening.

I got a new clothe and returned home. On my journey, I typed a beautiful message, appreciated all the times we had and gave reasons why the relationship has ENDED. There was no way I would be getting married to a potentially violent woman. She apologised and call my parents but I was gone. No promise of change on her part OR emotional tears could have me change my stance; I was gone.

If a little argument could lead to my buttons being destroyed during courtship, I didn't need any person to have told me what lied ahead. That moment, I engaged critical thinking and forever exited the relationship. But I didn't fail to point to her her anger issues. Some other person could put up with her, but not ME.

We need to be very clear when we make very critical decisions like whom to get married to. How far you go in life depends, to a very large extent, whom you're getting married to.

Never permit pressures of age or parents or even the society force you into making decisions that will only guarantee decades of bitterness, sorrow and gloom. Your decisions determine your destiny. Your decisions determine your happiness or sadness.

I'm not advocating for impatience on anyone's part. You could still give very reasonable time for your partner to address some red flags you'll notice. But where such a partner has not shown any meaningful, positive difference, let your head rather than your heart, guide thee.

Life's beautiful but getting married to someone you're NOT compatible with, will make life long, sad and miserable.

Make a smart choice and avoid a life of endless prayers, fasting and counselling. The average Nigerian has enough prayer points already! LOL.

Have a great day.

dearpreye:


Thanks for contributing to the issue at hand. The thread will be useless without comments from people like you.

Odunharry:

dearpreye

Timbuktou:
The women of nairaland are as predictable as the seasons. It's interesting to see the mental gymnastics going on in this thread and Mencade's that inspired this. Had both threads been opened by women we'd have seen solidarity and unison in countenancing Nigerian men as brutes and barbarians just as their ancestors were/are.

I am surprised, or not, that these very same women such wise counsel as handling these mentally unstable women properly. Where is the place of this proper handling when it's a man being violent. Some have even brazenly cited love as the reason to manage the situation. Even Blade21 who says she avoids and flees from angry men has explicitly told OP to hang in there. Hypocrisy at its finest.

The only admonishment left unespoused thus far is the one branding men who value their lives and choose to leave such relationships as immature. That's about the last batch and I'm sure its proponents will arrive shortly.

mentorandfriend:
The average Nigerian has enough prayer points already. Why add to your prayer points and headache with the wrong choice of person in marriage?

Lol. Nice one sir. It's been a while.

spacyzuma:
+1000

I feel you, OP. I had a similar situation sometime last year. At a point, she held a bottle to my head and threatened to break my head with it. I couldn't believe this was someone I once considered marrying.

I broke up with her and cut off all ties. She's been apologizing and begging for forgiveness since. I've told her I;ve forgiven her, but I just cannot bring myself to be close to her anymore, so I avoid communicating with her.

Life goes on.

dearpreye:


Whether it's called grace or mettle, some people can manage such deep anomalies amongst themselves but not favourably disposed to violent anger. Once I witness it close to me, I'm off.

darlingnuel:
I bet, If you really love that lady, you wouldn't have been too quick to abort the relationship based on such a, rather, trivial reason. She only acted out her anger and disapproval. Love covers a multitude of sin. It was her own way of reacting. We all have our on ways of showing anger. How many relationship would you quit based on ur poor judgement? Would you divorce ur wife if she reacts in a weird way? Be slow to judge...

megareal:

Yea, some people can but its not ideal since it can lead to future dangers and even death. Since the grace is not there, its wise to move on.

enieme:

it could be psychological. They may try dealing with it but there'd surely be moments of uncontrolled outbursts which may be what the op experienced.

spacyzuma:
+1000

I feel you, OP. I had a similar situation sometime last year. At a point, she held a bottle to my head and threatened to break my head with it. I couldn't believe this was someone I once considered marrying.

I broke up with her and cut off all ties. She's been apologizing and begging for forgiveness since. I've told her I;ve forgiven her, but I just cannot bring myself to be close to her anymore, so I avoid communicating with her.

Life goes on.

Carter4luv:
nice point preye. my question how long has she been shwing u her bad side? frm ur story is jxt once, did u seat her down to talk sense into her. God created a man to guard his wife, if u gave up easily on her, dats to say ure not ready to get married, and also not ready to face life time challenges. all u jxt av to do is go talk to her, teach her if she decide not to change let her be and move on with ur life.

enieme:
So what if they inherited it? And they arent even aware of its dangers
who would help them up?
I don't see this as a Good enough reason; it's valid though

enieme:

people can't control what they are born with. If it's a no go area for all guys, who would then marry them?

Impatience is something fairly common in most humans women especially.

Timbuktou:
The women of nairaland are as predictable as the seasons. It's interesting to see the mental gymnastics going on in this thread and Mencade's that inspired this. Had both threads been opened by women we'd have seen solidarity and unison in countenancing Nigerian men as brutes and barbarians just as their ancestors were/are.

I am surprised, or not, that these very same women offer such wise counsel as handling these mentally unstable women properly. Where is the place of this proper handling when it's a man being violent. Some have even brazenly cited love as the reason to manage the situation. Even Blade21 who says she avoids and flees from angry men has explicitly told OP to hang in there. Hypocrisy at its finest.

The only admonishment left unespoused thus far is the one branding men who value their lives and choose to leave such relationships as immature. That's about the last batch and I'm sure its proponents will arrive shortly.