May 2013. Phone rings beneath the pillow, and the vibrations riffles through the veins in my head.
“Is this Mr. Okorie Mi…mi…”
“Yes, Mitterand”, I respond briskly, with a voice that bore no trace of a man who woke from a forced siesta.
The female voice at the other end, sounding slightly embarrassed at her limp attempt to pronounce the name continued, “I’m calling from company XYZ, we saw your CV and we want you to come for an interview tomorrow. The exact place you submitted your CV, Gwarimpa, 3RD Avenue…”
“OK. Thank you. I’ll be there tomorrow.”

Less than 24 hours to go, I scan through the wardrobe. Only one clean white shirt. Not ironed. No light, and it would be foolhardy to bank on NEPA.
I jump into Utako market immediately to get a good solid white shirt. That night, I go back to the company’s website. It’s a new organisation, I can see. I read up as much as I can about them.
What had I applied for? Personal assistant to the Chairman, so I certainly need to demonstrate good knowledge of what the company does or looking to do.

Next morning, I’m on my grey suit, white shirt, buttoned to the last button. I made sure to leave the tie at home, as experience has taught me interviews down here pathetically take the entire day. Interview is 11 AM.

I arrive 4 mins late. But then 56 people had been there before me. The good thing however, the line was moving.
“Write your name here, said the clerk, they will call you in when it’s your turn.”

Everybody comes out of the interview room with their own story.
“O boy, e be like say these people dey find marketers.”
“O boy, I reach there dem just dey ask me some kain questions.”
“Nna meen, ndi a dighi serious”
“Nna eh, these guys just wasted my time today.”
I sat there, allowing none of that get to me. Certainly, they may have applied for a different position.

3:45PM, it’s my turn. “You applied for Personal aide to the Chairman? What does a personal assistant do?”

I begin to reel out answers, supporting them with my experiences in part time positions I held as a student working in various capacities for two universities.
I'm good at documentation, report writing, organisation, response to queries, etc.
Second interviewer: younger guy, perhaps 5 years older than I was asked the mother of all bullshit: “Can you demonstrate for us over there”, pointing to the white pen board, “a business plan that can grow this organisation?”
In my mind, I’m like “what in the carajo is this one saying?”
I did not study business, which if you’d gone to through my CV and documents submitted earlier was obvious. And drawing a business plan, of an organisation that is just starting, and this is your criteria for selecting an aide to the Chairman? “Sorry, I’m unable to do that. I had no idea these issues are related to the office of a PA, sir.”
The older man tries to calm the situation by going back to my CV and asking a few questions about my academic qualifications. And then interview ends.

Mine was the shortest interview amongst every other person that went in there. They were looking for a tool to monkey around on a board for them. I suppose, trying to humour themselves; you know the sight of watching a fish struggling to climb a tree.

Truth be told, I went home with a crack in my soul, a lot less confident in myself than when I came. But I was glad I didn’t pick up that pen to humiliate myself on the board talking what I don’t know. You are not offering the job, fine, but I can't stand there mumbling disjointed stuff, which was what I thought the previous folks must have been doing.
Those clowns, that organisation, I suspected, badly needed the services of a professional business developer/consultant, but they weren’t ready to pay for one. They wanted to extract it from the bodies of job seekers. Bloody exploitative folks!

Outside, waiting for a cab to take me back home, I sighed, asking myself “Ol’ boy, you don Bleep up to come back to this country o?”

All these company that pay small salary if you go there dem go drill you like say the years wey you do for uni na play you bin the pay.

Time for salary info they starts saying you know we are just starting we want to pay you 30k as time goes on and the company grows we increase your salary. When they say this just pack your wahala and go home.

If the company happens to become big some of the bosses don't even remember those that suffered with them.