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Nairaland Forum / Entertainment / TV/Movies / Swing And A Miss: Batman V Superman(dawn Of Justice) (6483 Views)
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Re: Swing And A Miss: Batman V Superman(dawn Of Justice) by kryptonian1987(m): 5:25pm On Jul 29, 2016 |
friendlyadvice: What's that |
Re: Swing And A Miss: Batman V Superman(dawn Of Justice) by friendlyadvice: 6:10pm On Jul 29, 2016 |
kryptonian1987:this nigga talking shit about bvs Get him!!!!! |
Re: Swing And A Miss: Batman V Superman(dawn Of Justice) by severee(m): 3:26am On Aug 12, 2016 |
ben affleck Hey I just heard that scoot never got his pay checks what gives man? And who keeps sending me these prank letters? These aint funny no more worker Um boss? The town hall just blew up and scoot along with it ben affleck Really? Oh then back to work I guess narrator meanwhile jesse is working on micheal shannons body totally unsupervised jesse eisenberg Yes even though I'm not a scientist or a kryptonian I've stored vast knowledge and technicalities thanks to the 10minute tutorial video carla gugino gave me carla gugino You're welcome jesse eisenberg Now time to re-animate micheal shannon by splicing my dna with micheal's dead corpse and shoving him into the lazarus pit Wait why is there a lake in this space craft? How did no one get electrocuted before now?and how does my dna get to micheal shannon when my blood like totally difussed in this bigass lake? And what makes me so sure he will kill henry this time I mean they were 5 of them the last time and they didn't even get close to rumpling his shirt zack snyder shut up and make a joke before the audiences head explode jesse eisenberg Ok ok you flew too close to the sun micheal shannon Wait how does that make any sense is my skin tanned? jesse eisenberg No micheal shannon Is the sun suddenly harmful to kryptonians? jesse eisenberg What? No micheal shannon I don't get it was there a deleted scene or alternate ending in man of steel where I flew into the sun and got fragged jesse eisenberg Dude? micheal shannon *rolling eyes* Ok ok jeez narrator it's finale time and all the characters furiously prepare for it, ben affleck prepares by moping around like he was forced to eat cheese puffs outta a dudes a*ss jeremy irons So old man what are you doing? ben affleck I'm thinking because that's what old people do jeremy irons C'mon don't worry too much it's bad for your blood pressure and you know you got your athritis and all audience *rolling eyes* Ugh! we get it ben is an older batman jeremy irons So how exactly are you gonna win this fight against a dude who ripped your bat mobile apart by sneezing on it audience #1 Oh my God it's fan service time audience #2 Yea since he stashes his enemies weapons after their capture I bet he's gonna bulk up with banes venom and then distract henry with scarecrows gas and then do some crazy martial arts nerve-paralyzing move he got from the league of shadows and from kryptonian anatomy which he somehow knows about ben affleck Nah an anticipated fight like batman v superman should be totally unmemorable So I'll just borrow iron man's hulk buster, spray henry in the face with kryptonite and call it a day narrator diane lane also prepares for the finale by getting her a*ss kidnapped diane lane why hello sexy dude who looks like oliver martinez, you wanna pork me in the bathroom for old times sake callan mulvey First of all this isn't unfaithful, second you are 12 years older so ew and lastly I'm totally here to kidnap your a*ss for being henry's mother diane lane Finally! I mean with all the clues we carelessly leave behind what took y'all so long?(Gets kidnapped) narrator amy adams prepares for the finales by willingly walking into a trap amy adams Hey callan you totally look familiar oh sh*t callan mulvey Yea I'm about to kidnap your a*ss in this totally public place I just hope you aren't smart enough to scream and alert passersby amy adams (Gets kidnapped too) narrator gal prepares for the finale by being as boring as f*ck gal gadot Hmmm ben knows my secret identity so I've to run for it in narrator we are introduced to flash,aquaman and cyborg ezra miller Hi I'm an flash I fight crime and conceal my identity by not disconnecting the freaking surveillance camera jason momoa I'm aquaman the most unrelatable comic book character in the universe and don't judge me for taking on a movie that directors are avoiding...... I mean it's not like Game Of Thrones is gonna pay my mortgage scientist Hi I'm making a blooper video about experiments gone wrong now time to run around like an *diot while a dude screams like his nuts are on fire and the audience shake their heads in disappointment while marvel laugh theirs off ryan reynolds And I'm green lanter........ audience (Holding up a tyre iron)What you say? ryan reynolds Er nothing gal gadot Yep I'm definitely leaving audience Wait for us To be continued...... |
Re: Swing And A Miss: Batman V Superman(dawn Of Justice) by kryptonian1987(m): 1:06pm On Aug 12, 2016 |
severee: hahaha! na obsession won kill you so oh! people are still debating abt BvS till date, just to tell u it has something they called: classical cultic in it...! unlike that done and dusted CW which no one talk about since 2months+ ago |
Re: Swing And A Miss: Batman V Superman(dawn Of Justice) by severee(m): 3:11pm On Aug 12, 2016 |
kryptonian1987:What's this one saying? kryptonian1987:Debating? More like laffing I mean bvs is like a documentary on how to make an awful movie kryptonian1987:Whatever helps you sleep at nite man kryptonian1987: I have a post for civil war as well you can look it up if you like |
Re: Swing And A Miss: Batman V Superman(dawn Of Justice) by kryptonian1987(m): 6:51pm On Aug 12, 2016 |
severee: why would I want to read it? that childish movie that is meant for teens.... the most overrated movie of the year! despite all its powerful WoM and unbelievable very very high RT score, it couldn't even break the $450m mark , domestically... not even close to it |
Re: Swing And A Miss: Batman V Superman(dawn Of Justice) by severee(m): 9:11pm On Aug 12, 2016 |
kryptonian1987: "hahaha! na obsession won kill you so oh!" - wise words of kryptonian1987 kryptonian1987: Hmmm even tho it's actually one of the highest rated and grossing movies of this year? Like I said whatever helps you sleep at nite |
Re: Swing And A Miss: Batman V Superman(dawn Of Justice) by badinfluence: 11:37pm On Aug 12, 2016 |
kryptonian1987:Really dude?? You brought your fan boyism here too?? |
Re: Swing And A Miss: Batman V Superman(dawn Of Justice) by severee(m): 3:23am On Aug 13, 2016 |
narrator amy is dragged before jesse eisenberg so he can st*pidly reveal his plans amy adams Er you found out about the bullets right? Wait a minute why didn't I turn that over to anyone jesse eisenberg Bullets? What bullets? amy adams The bullets I found in da....ugh! So why are you openly slapping a kidnapping charge on your a*ss? jesse eisenberg how about we throw in an attempted murder charge in the mix cause I've tossed ben and henry in a epic match so ben can totally kill henry with the kryptonite he took off me amy adams O_o ok? So how do you get them together? Throw another "rob the f*ck outta me" dinner party? jesse eisenberg No actually what I did was 1. Uncover batman and superman's secret identity 2. Friended an african war lord 3. Waited till the said african warlord invited you over to 4. Then callan will out micheal cassidy as a spy because somehow the cia will want in on the action and will infiltrate the african warlords compound using you as cover 5. Then luckily henry in his destructive fashion will arrive just in time to destroy a missile and drone over the compound rendering the cia blind but not in time to find callan roasting the rebels 6.Then I bribe an african lady to lie that henry attacked the village luckily also the cia won't be stoked about sticking around to properly investigate the casualties(and the bullet holes in them) before deciding that calvin did it even though they never saw him take out the drone 7. Then I'll pay some dudes to kill a prisoner and make it look like its because he has a batman tatoo and no one will wonder why criminals with bat tats are more hated than the normal criminals 8. Then I'll pray like crazy for henry to watch the news and take offence with ben but not just toss ben in a jail cell with his pinky 9. Then I paid homage to breaking bad by rigging scoots wheel chair with explosives jena malone Number 9 was made possible because there was lead around the wheel chair which stopped henry from seeing the bomb(collects paycheck and leaves) jesse eisenberg 10. Graffitti and send ben prank notes like a 10 year old then I........... hey why are you smiling? You're supposed to be terrified amy adams Because this all sounds like a parody of ozymandias plan from watchmen with extra cheesiness jesse eisenberg you dare laugh at my plans(tosses amy off a building) amy adams yawn! Oh I mean waaaaaaah! I'm so petrified oh the horror of falling to ones death, the terror the zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz oh sorry I mean a........ I mean a......... Well I'm petrified? henry caville I've got you baby now if you excuse me I shall leave you unattended you know just incase you wanna get kidnapped again amy adams Wooo! What a rush, my hands aren't even shaking so I guess I should go talk to ben about how jesse is setting he and henry up..............or maybe I should just stand around till the movie needs me again narrator henry [s]grabs jesse by the ears and forces him to confess to his acts of terror in africa and metropolis[/s] confronts jesse with his epic constipated frown henry cavill Grrrrr! Why did you toss my girlfriend off the building? jesse eisenberg what makes you so sure I did it maliciously? for all I know we could have been waltzing and she slipped and fell off so what are you mad at me for? henry cavill cause the finger sandwiches at your party tasted like hot armpits and your wine tasted like piss that's why I hate you jesse eisenberg Anyway I kidnapped diane and now I shall force you to do my bidding muahahahahahahahaha! henry cavill yea sure like I can't circumnavigate the universe and find her within the fraction of a second*flips through script* oh I mean MOMMA!!!!! *sucks on his thumbs* ok what do you want? jesse eisenberg Well I want you to go fight ben henry cavill Why? are you gonna be watching? jesse eisenberg No henry cavill Is anyone gonna be watching? jesse eisenberg Er........no henry cavill Then why the f*ck am I fighting him? jesse eisenberg Because God didn't save me from my abusive father when I was a kid henry cavill wait what? jesse eisenberg You heard me henry cavill So you want vendetta for your dad beating your a*ss? How does that even add up? And what are you mad at me for? I'm no god you should be mad gal gadot instead she's the one whose a goddess and all jesse eisenberg just shut up and go kill ben ok? You've got one hour henry cavill Fine! By the way I'm just gonna holla my girl real quick you mind? jesse eisenberg *shrugs* she's your mom(hops into chopper) narrator henry meets with amy henry cavill he's got my mom amy adams Ok so go save her I mean you could torture jesse and get him to call off her hit or you use your super hearing or vision to track her I mean that should only take about 10minutes henry cavill Nah f*ck that, I'll rather go negotiate with a crazy dude gosh! Maybe I shouldn't have f*cked up his ride cab man Hey aint that superman? Why am I not totally taking a pic of him french kissing a metro chick and putting it on twitter or selling it to a journalist? *shrugs* narrator henry approaches ben but first he damages the floor because "he comes in peace" henry cavill Er why are you wearing a trash can with a cape? ben affleck Tell me....do you laugh? henry cavill Never mind it's not that funny anyway,so hey ben I need your help(shoves ben to mecca) ben affleck That's why you mentioned my characters first name are you trying to blackmail me? Eat sonic waves you quere(blasts henry with sonic waves that don't deafen ben or shatter the window of buildings nearby) henry cavill C'mon man you are the only one who can help me(trashes ben's gadget violently) ben affleck I'm listening(overdoses henry on bullets) henry cavill hey you better not have wrecked my suit(checks) well what do you know, my suit is bullet proof as well (Tosses ben onto the roof of a building of course in man of steel tradition he totally wrecks someones apartment while doing so) ben affleck Ooooooooooouch! Wait how does this metal suit stop me from feeling the effects of gravity or pain? Oh sh*t henry is coming (tosses smoke screen at him) henry cavill Hey dude c'mon I don't wanna hurt ya you know you're being a real b*tch right now and what makes you think I can't float over the smoke screen or see through it? ben affleck Because you are a m*ron and everyone wants me to beat your a*ss so they've made you extra st*pid for this fight(fires a krypto gas pellet at henry) henry cavill Gas? Really? Have you forgotten that I fought in freaking space in the last movie? I bet I don't even use my nose at all(does so anyway) oh lord I have inhaled kryptonite gas and now I'm as light as a feather but tough enough to not burst open when smudged between metal and hardass concrete ben affleck Yea and I hid my secret weapon at the bottom of the world let's just hope you don't recover before we get there now time for some badass ninja skills like straddle punching(straddle punches henry to recovery) oh sh*t henry cavill Well I can see asking for your help is a bad idea so I'll just go find my mom by myself or maybe just throw you a punch(does so) or maybe two(does so) or maybe three(does so) ok fine I'll stay and fight grrrrrr!(Gets gased again) the f*ck man how did I fall for this twice? ben affleck grrrr you trashed my garbage can suit? I ma go WWE on your a*ss(crashes a toilet sink on henry head)then I ma toss you off a flight of stairs(does so) and just for the kicks I ma take you fishing(makes henry his b*tch with a fishing rod) now time to test and see how sharp my kryptonite spear is(gives henry a tribal mark) yep it is sharp enough, time to go buddie any last words? henry cavill Martha ben affleck Haha few seconds from your death and you're making yo mama jokes that aren't even funny henry cavill No you don't understand my mom's name is martha and........ ben affleck She's a kryptonian and I should totally kill her too good call buddie henry cavill shut up dude! My mom just got her a*ss kidnapped and I was blackmailed to fight you ben affleck yea right! amy adams He's telling the truth ben affleck Oh ok(tosses his spear) this totally erases your raucus in metropolis, henry cavill Gotham? ben affleck C'mon its a hollywood superhero movie you think trashing a few rooms screams FINALE henry cavill Yea you are right now go find my mother yes that's right I want you who I don't trust and is a 1million times slower than I am to go save my mom ben affleck Yea good thing jesse didn't find a way to monitor you to make sure you followed his instructions jeremy irons I've located diane lane with my magic powers she's in a cliched russian warehouse with 3 floors filled with armed russian dudes facing one direction are you sure you are the man for the job? I mean shouldn't you be confronting jesse instead? narrator ben rushes into action by wasting a bunch of time getting change of clothes and probably shaving and catching a tv show before heading to rescue henry's mother zack snyder Now time to cream your shorts for that awesome fight scene I put in the trailer narrator scene is exactly how it's in the trailer without an addition or subtraction audience That's it I'm getting a refund I can just watch the youtube trailers and have a filled day zack snyder Hey wait callan and ben are about to have a showdown callan mulvey If you take one step you'll see the inside of her head........wait haven't we done this before? Yea the showdown between the african rebel and henry with amy inbetween zack snyder Yea it's a take on how ben would have done it audience *praying* God please let there be a good fight scene please please callan mulvey I'll kill her ben affleck Tell that to my killing joke(blasts callan anticlimatically) diane lane A dude just got brutally roasted by a murderous scary vigilante that certainly turns me on watch my orgasm face audience there's no God narrator meanwhile henry confronts jesse again jesse eisenberg Henry we have to stop meeting like this......... uh you didn't kill ben? Wait is my objective to kill ben or henry or both? I'm getting my objectives muddled again cause now it looks like I just wanna trash gotham for no reason henry cavill Why am I not arresting you right now.....o sh*t what's that jesse eisenberg Your doomsday To be continued...... |
Re: Swing And A Miss: Batman V Superman(dawn Of Justice) by kryptonian1987(m): 9:12am On Aug 13, 2016 |
badinfluence: o boy, abeg take ur badinfluence somewhere else....!!! |
Re: Swing And A Miss: Batman V Superman(dawn Of Justice) by badinfluence: 11:36am On Aug 13, 2016 |
kryptonian1987:Congratulations on learning the use of word play. Next step is improving on it.. |
Re: Swing And A Miss: Batman V Superman(dawn Of Justice) by somehowpenis(m): 8:12pm On Aug 14, 2016 |
The most _stupid movie I saw this year, |
Re: Swing And A Miss: Batman V Superman(dawn Of Justice) by severee(m): 8:44am On Aug 17, 2016 |
henry cavill Ew did someone just eat him up and puked him out? why does he look so gross? jesse eisenberg yea I guess it would have been cooler and more terrifying if we made a zombie micheal shannon henry cavill Ugh he looks like that crappy toxic avenger dude from the 80s jesse eisenberg Yea yea henry cavill Almost looks like some disgruntled dude just f*cked him up to get at zack snyder jesse eisenberg Well I gues...... henry cavill Gosh! I mean Did he fall in a bowl of sh*t or is that just how he looks dooms day WE GET IT!!!(Punches henry outter the building) narrator then they start to fight and when I mean fight I mean they begin to trash the Gotham surroundings ben affleck What da? hey are you gonna pay to repair the roads you 're trashing? you're lucky our moms have the same name or I would have lost my sh*t henry cavill C'mon money bags you can pay for it ben affleck Godammit I aint made of cash can't you fight him in space or something? henry cavill Hmmm good idea narrator so henry kicks dooms days a*ss into space meanwhile the military does what they do best in these kind of movies which is sit on their hands and act like *diots military personnel Hey henry is fighting the bogey and has taken him to space harry lennix Awww! He really does love us........now nuke his a*ss military personnel Wait what? harry lennix Well to prevent what happened last time, I'm not so sure why we only see these people when henry is around and most of all I've always wanted to look like I know what I'm doing military personnel Okay.. FIRE!! narrator they fire a nuclear missile at henry and doomsday which kills henry for 2minutes and tickles doomsday military personnel *judgemental look* sir it's raining doomsday harry lennix Dammit where is henry? military personnel Well he didn't come along so what do you think? harry lennix Well I guess its back to sitting on my hands military personnel Ugh! Now he's copying hulk and king kong moves ben affleck Oh great nice going harry now I have to fight him on my own using the lesson I never learnt when going up against henry(doomsday trashes his bat jet) Hey how am I still alive? doomsday Prepare to be laser eye f*cked you jerk ben affleck Oh sh*t wished the meta humans were here ezra miller My mommy is calling me(runs home from milk store) jason momoa I'm too busy with the momoa fish to poor people foundation cyborg Let's do this audience wow that's what you look like? cyborg Yea what do I look like? audience You look like bucket of LFMAO gosh I guess dc is really trying to bring some laughs into their franchise huh? cyborg *cries and runs home* gal gadot I'll save you my love narrator just as doomsday is about to dubstep ben gal gadot Hey I never asked how did you send me that email? it's not like you have my address or even knew my name ben affleck And lucky for you that your costume just happens to be closeby even though you clearly looked like you were done being a superhero except you're a stripper or something narrator henry wakes up and continues his project gotham demolition ben affleck Dude show a lil class c'mon gal's over here fighting doomsday yet you don't see any buildings falling down henry cavill Yeowch! Who is this cactus flower? ben affleck She bleeds........like 5 days a month henry cavill Ugh ew I guess she's with you ben affleck No she's with you henry cavill No she's with you ben affleck No she's with you narrator meanwhile amy struggles to be relevant to the plot but ends up drowning cause NOBODY CARES..back to the super fight gal gadot Taste my blade now taste my sonic boom now taste my lasso doomsday Hmmm hw big is this lasso to bound me and fit in your holster at the same time? henry cavill You nit picker taste pure kryptonian knuckles ben affleck Woa y'all look pretty busy so If you need me I'll be over here sh*tting a brick jeremy irons Shouldn't you be blasting doomsday with your krypto gun or better yet, picking up your staff to kill doomsday with it? ben affleck hey gimme a break I just kicked kryptonian a*ss, kicked a ton of russian thug a*ss, murdered a super villain and survived a plane crash, all that awesomeness can tire someone out you know audience like us (puke from being dizzy) doomsday YOU!!! ben affleck Gulp! Mommy(begins to flee)ok fine jeremy what did you say about my spear? I'm totally running to go get it(nose sprouts like pinnochio) henry cavill Ok guys time out amy is in trouble gat to go gal gadot Hey hang on why not just get ben to do it? you left your mom in his care a while ago I can't take out doomsday on my own.... sh*t he's gone what a jerk narrator henry rescues amy and then retrieves the krypto spear which weakens him instantly and when I say "weaken" I mean still possessing power of flight and super strength but just moan and acting drunk kind of weakness henry cavill Hey are you ok? amy adams Me? Pfft! B*tch please after downing so much dirty water in my lungs....of course I'm fine henry cavill Well I've gotta go guilt trip the world by killing myself instead of simply handing the spear over to ben or gal amy adams What? No henry cavill I love you amy, cavill out(flies off) ben affleck Oh yea this is actually the best time to shoot a krypto gas pellet at doomsday henry cavill Smh ben affleck Hey where are you going with my spear? Don't get yourself killed c'mon whose gonna help DCEU in the box office? jared leto Did someone call for DCs "joker card"? ben affleck Oh right carry on narrator henry stabs doomsday in the heart henry cavill f*ck YOU!!!!!! doomsday Hmm speaking of f*cking(t*tty f*cks henry with his exo-skeletal claws) narrator and they both die audience Pfft!Bologne zack snyder I hate you, you never support anything I do all you care abt is joss whedon I wish you were dead(runs to his room crying) ben affleck *sigh* Well I guess it all worked out in the end *high fives gal* amy adams Hmmm a scary violent unpredictable vigilante, a weirdly dressed super strengthened woman and a giant monster wow I'm so scared I bet everyone can see that in my totally emotionless expressions narrator meanwhile a swat team storms the kryptonian spaceship and find jesse Stealing from the plot of marvels avengers [b]swat team What da f*ck? jesse eisenberg Uh this is not what it looks like Wait a minute why are you here it's not like you have any evidence to arrest me and the only witness you have is a dead alien and his girlfriend swat team Uh ok we'll just keep you in holding till we find/forge some*evil smiles* narrator then there's a mass burial for henry cavill which makes for a very interesting story when amy has to explain how human henry cavill is also dead at the same time everyone wait we are not supposed to know henry is superman henry cavill Grrr! I'm not super.....uh oh zack snyder why you plot spoiling son of a b*tch narrator ben visits jesse in prison ben affleck B*tch despite hearing of how my branding kills people I've decided to do it anyway. BTW why aren't you in guantanamo? jesse eisenberg because I'm insane(sh*ts on hands and write on the walls with it) ben affleck Cool....will take you to arkham then have some friends over there toodles(brands wall) jesse eisenberg Hmm at least try to give a sh*t about the next prisoner who will occupy this room don't you think the branded wall will mean execution for them too? End |
Re: Swing And A Miss: Batman V Superman(dawn Of Justice) by ades0la(f): 10:45am On Aug 17, 2016 |
I find this more interesting than the movie itself |
Re: Swing And A Miss: Batman V Superman(dawn Of Justice) by severee(m): 6:04pm On Aug 17, 2016 |
ades0la: thanx 1 Like |
Re: Swing And A Miss: Batman V Superman(dawn Of Justice) by Blonchilli(m): 10:13pm On Aug 17, 2016 |
Lol I actually enjoy your hit and miss story but I won't agree that BVS was bad. You see fans are already used to Marvel products and expects DC to produce similar movies. DC films are not meant to be funny tbh. See the cartoons, Return of Batman, Batman/Superman:Public Enemies, Batman:Bad blood, and mostly DC cartoons from 2013. BvS was dark, and it set up the DC films perfectly. Mind you this Superman version is similar to the one we find in Return of Batman and Justice League 2014 animation. I respect what marvel are doin but I don't take their movies seriously. Would you stop in between a fight a make jokes? Doomsday was the perfect villain. My only dissapointment was that the fight between batman vs superman was not as bitter a the one in The Dark Knight returns. Glad the kind of batman I saw. You fightin bad guys and not taking them seriously? Affleck was crude and brutal and a confrontation with henry's superman who was trying to be as human as possible was badly needed. My opinion tho |
Re: Swing And A Miss: Batman V Superman(dawn Of Justice) by ades0la(f): 10:41pm On Aug 17, 2016 |
Re: Swing And A Miss: Batman V Superman(dawn Of Justice) by severee(m): 12:28am On Aug 18, 2016 |
ades0la:wish I could but deadpool already yabbed itself for us |
Re: Swing And A Miss: Batman V Superman(dawn Of Justice) by ades0la(f): 12:49am On Aug 18, 2016 |
Re: Swing And A Miss: Batman V Superman(dawn Of Justice) by severee(m): 7:07am On Aug 18, 2016 |
ades0la:yea its rly sad |
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